How to agree to disagree

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Anglewannabe

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First I need to give a bit of background

I have certain boundaries for a reason. To others they may seem odd, but I know in my heart I need to have them. The reality is, when in social situations, I don’t like to engage in certain conversation because of thing people have said in the past to hurt me. Let’s call these my ‘off limit topics’

So when asked a question I don’t want to answer, I either give a vague indirect answer hoping the topic will change or I say in a polite tone of voice ‘I would prefer not to talk about it’. Sadly, these approaches don’t always work and I end up with people ‘drilling me’ trying to figure out why I just don’t want to have the conversation.

I have a couple of trusted friends I can talk about these things with. They know my boundary yet, think I should loosen up and just answer people’s questions. I want to take the approach ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and I suspect they are totally OK with that approach.

The problem: I was in a situation where I told someone ‘Greg’ I did not want to talk about the ‘off limit topic’ and when Greg asked me why, I started to explain it was a soft spot. I was semi hoping Greg would have compassion and drop it. Instead, Greg start to tell me I had trust issues and just totally analyze my personality and give me ‘free counselling’ (Greg is a therapist). I asked Greg if we could please drop it and he didn’t.

So, I called one of my trusted friends and of course this friend just use that as proof that my boundary doesn’t work and I should drop the boundary.

So the real problem: I knew that my friend would not care to support my point of view. I never should have told her about it in the first place. If I am trying to agree to disagree, why can’t I just quit bringing up the topic with her?

Does this make sense? I know I should not have talked about it yet for some foolish reason, I initiated the conversation. How can I accept my friend for what she can give me and not look to her for what she can’t?

Thanks

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
First I need to give a bit of background

I have certain boundaries for a reason. To others they may seem odd, but I know in my heart I need to have them. The reality is, when in social situations, I don’t like to engage in certain conversation because of thing people have said in the past to hurt me. Let’s call these my ‘off limit topics’

So when asked a question I don’t want to answer, I either give a vague indirect answer hoping the topic will change or I say in a polite tone of voice ‘I would prefer not to talk about it’. Sadly, these approaches don’t always work and I end up with people ‘drilling me’ trying to figure out why I just don’t want to have the conversation.

I have a couple of trusted friends I can talk about these things with. They know my boundary yet, think I should loosen up and just answer people’s questions. I want to take the approach ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and I suspect they are totally OK with that approach.

The problem: I was in a situation where I told someone ‘Greg’ I did not want to talk about the ‘off limit topic’ and when Greg asked me why, I started to explain it was a soft spot. I was semi hoping Greg would have compassion and drop it. Instead, Greg start to tell me I had trust issues and just totally analyze my personality and give me ‘free counselling’ (Greg is a therapist). I asked Greg if we could please drop it and he didn’t.

So, I called one of my trusted friends and of course this friend just use that as proof that my boundary doesn’t work and I should drop the boundary.

So the real problem: I knew that my friend would not care to support my point of view. I never should have told her about it in the first place. If I am trying to agree to disagree, why can’t I just quit bringing up the topic with her?

Does this make sense? I know I should not have talked about it yet for some foolish reason, I initiated the conversation. How can I accept my friend for what she can give me and not look to her for what she can’t?

Thanks

Angie
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In my family, we had to call a truce to agree to disagree. Both politics and religion caused major rifts, since each side was convinced it was right. It’s important that you not bring up the off-limit topics, as well, tempting as this may be.

Have your friends agree to the truce, and each time one violates it, say, "Remember we agreed we would not talk about x (religion, politics, vegetarianism, etc.). If they continue, do a “broken record” and keep repeating this and adding that you really want to have a nice visit, time, and that’s why.

As to free counseling, it’s not advisable for friends to counsel each other, because they need to take a side, yours, and can’t be neutral. Someone neutral would be recommended (should you ever have a need for counseling).
 
One time, my sister initiated the truce for me, and for the rest of us. She acted as a kind of mediator. I didn’t feel confident to set this boundary by myself, and she had to enforce it. A family member violated it, and we were heading towards an argument.

She reminded him of the truce, and we were lucky he came around.

If your friend is a counselor, he understands about boundaries and needs to respect them. Tell him you’re setting a boundary, because you don’t want to discuss…x. Ask him to respect that, and you.
 
I have an off limits topic because it causes me serious distress but there are a few friends who love bringing it up. I have explained a million times, asked them nicely to stop asking, told them in an angry way to drop it. Yet they bring it up again and for days after that I am in emotional turmoil.

My conclusion is that people are cruel. When they sense that there is a painful issue in someone’s life many people will latch onto that because it somehow makes them feel good. Maybe they have a similar problem so they talk about it because they identify with you, or have issues with self esteem and crossing your boundary makes them feel powerful.

In the end, the reason they do it is of no relevance and I have to find a way to shut people up. My problem is that every time I swallow the hook and end up talking about it. Sounds like you do the same thing.

I complained about this to a friend just the other day and she told me that once I tell people I don’t discuss my off limits topic, I just don’t talk about it. And if they still try to gauge something out of me, I don’t talk about it. She told me to just look at them and stay silent if needed. Or if that happenes over the phone to tell them I have to go and hang up.
She said that whatever happens I must not talk about it because I would feel awful about it afterwards and people will see that I don’t respect my own boundary.
 
My ex-husband and I got into talking about politics, and a relative and my ex would argue and argue. It got nowhere. Nobody changed, and finally the relative said, “You know what I believe, and I know what you believe, so how about we go back to talking about…burgers!”

In retrospect, I think that was wise.
 
I think avoiding a topic and talking about burgers is a good way of resolving some disagreements, such as politics for example. But the way I understood the OP’s post, there is something personal that is off topic and people love to discuss it against her expressed wishes. I think that requires a different tactic.
 
In my family we frequently agree to disagree, but we don’t have fixed boundaries about what we will discuss. The result is that agreeing to disagree is more of a process than a condition. I think that allows for the potential for change and/or better understanding. Maybe neither of those potentials ever happen - but if there is no discussion at all, how do you know that something has not changed or that you can’t reach some increased understanding? We don’t argue incessantly. We just kind of run through a sort of review. At times it would seem to me that someone might be wanting to contend about something just for sport. In that event, I would bring up Title IX - a topic on which members of my family will NEVER agree (and we all know it)… Over time, bringing up Title IX ended all controversy pretty quickly because everyone had became bored with it.
 
ClearWater said:
As to free counseling, it’s not advisable for friends to counsel each other, because they need to take a side, yours, and can’t be neutral. Someone neutral would be recommended (should you ever have a need for counseling).
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I was being sarcastic. He was giving unwanted advice and also, I have to wonder how good of a counsellor he is if he can’t respect boundaries
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I think avoiding a topic and talking about burgers is a good way of resolving some disagreements, such as politics for example. But the way I understood the OP’s post, there is something personal that is off topic and people love to discuss it against her expressed wishes. I think that requires a different tactic.
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Yes your understanding is correct
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I think avoiding a topic and talking about burgers is a good way of resolving some disagreements, such as politics for example. But the way I understood the OP’s post, there is something personal that is off topic and people love to discuss it against her expressed wishes. I think that requires a different tactic.
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Ok, what would work where changing the subject wouldn’t?
 
You could say that it’s none of their concern, avoid them.
 
ClearWater said:
You could say that it’s none of their concern, avoid them.
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Yes. That is an option. I do avoid some people because they just would not stop asking about the topic.

I think some people are good about establishing boundaries and cutting people off when they start prying. I am not. I tend to swallow the hook every time and get into a conversation about my off limits topic, and then I am angry and upset for days.

I must listen to my friend’s advice and just not answer, even if it means shrugging, looking at the ceiling or some other awkward body language. I think it is a question of practice.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
My conclusion is that people are cruel. When they sense that there is a painful issue in someone’s life many people will latch onto that because it somehow makes them feel good. Maybe they have a similar problem so they talk about it because they identify with you, or have issues with self esteem and crossing your boundary makes them feel powerful.
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I don’t think people do it to be cruel; I just think they want to connect with other people. It’s human nature.
 
One method on how to agree to disagree is just to listen and not respond in any fashion, defensively or argumentatively, etc.

I’m the one usually bringing up a sensitive topic, and I’m learning to not do that, if possible.

In one of Shakespeare’s plays whose title I can’t remember, there’s a line that goes something like this – unwelcome guests are most welcome when they leave. That’s 450 year old humor (or at least satire) that tells this is a long-standing situation. There’s a line spoken by the dowager on Downton Abbey that goes something like this “I have a lot of friends that I don’t like.”

We’re lucky if we can steer the conversation away from sensitive subjects,but sometimes we just have to be church-like and listen to the sermon.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I was being sarcastic. He was giving unwanted advice and also, I have to wonder how good of a counsellor he is if he can’t respect boundaries
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You are absolutely right on this.

I am not sure that people are “cruel” but we do have a morbid sense of invasive curiosity about others that many times is damaging. It is what fuels gossip. One reason people are so pre-occupied with the private matters of other is that focusing on such things lets them avoid dealing with their own issues.

Therapists are notorious for being voyeuristic. I think you could tell this counselor friend exactly how you feel. Use “I messages”

I wonder how good you are as a counselor when you seem to have trouble accepting boundaries.

I feel pressured, unconfortable, uneasy, etc.

It is a private/personal matter. I am not in the space where I can go there right now.

I have told you I do not want to discuss this and I feel disrespected by you right now.

It is also good to do the broken record with these statements. Keep repeating them over and over. When the person finally gets the message thank them and compliment them for deciding to respect you.
 
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