How to announce to my family I am no longer Catholic?

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Vicki_T

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I am a 32 year old female who has fallen away from the church for quite some time. I haven’t really gone to church on my own terms for a long time… probably less than 10 times in the past 15 years. It started out as me not going to church yet still holding onto some of the beliefs, but I have completely fallen away from the Catholic Faith for about 5 years now. I live in a different state from my parents/family so whenever I would go visit them I would just accompany them to church to “keep up appearances” so to speak, but honestly I hate every minute of it. Going to church this past Christmas was the last straw, and I am just tired of living a lie.

I don’t consider myself an atheist, I just personally believe that the church/bible/pretty much any dogma doesn’t paint the true picture of God and that a lot of it is an embellishment/lie. I feel like religion tells us more about the nature of man than the nature of God, since religion basically is a man made institution. I felt like the church never really explained anything so I have gotten into “New Age” spirituality and have seriously never felt better in my life. I feel like the church just thrives on guilt, shame, and fear and doesn’t allow you to have an opinion or ask any questions. I feel like I have more purpose in my life and have never felt so connected to God before and I just feel waaaay happier than I ever was as a Catholic. Abandoning the church is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made.

So, now the problem is how do I express this to my family? My parents know that I have been dabbling in alternative beliefs and that I have some radical ideas (well, radical as far as the church goes), and they probably know I don’t go to church anymore, but none of this has been FORMALLY expressed. The ones I am most worried about are my mother and one of my sisters. My mom has branched out a little bit by recently having some non traditional beliefs so she might be more ok with it than I give her credit for, but my other sister is just plain delusional. She still thinks that at almost 33 years old that I am still a virgin because I am not married (HA!). She also cried when I told her I was questioning whether there really was a Hell or Satan.

I feel sad that this even has to be an issue because these are my beliefs and I am not telling them that they shouldn’t go to church or believe in the church either. So how should I go about telling them?

Also, as a side curiosity, what would you do if you found out one of your family members officially left the church?
 
Well, as a Catholic I’m duty-bound to say the spiel that warm fuzzy feelings aren’t the primary goal of religion - finding and living the Truth is. Okay, that’s for you to explore or ignore for now.

With your family, I would say be honest but don’t go into all the stuff like you did in your post. That will just start an argument and will be an attack on them for the gift of faith they tried to give you. It seems ungrateful and arrogant to say the least. Simply tell them you’re no longer practicing your Catholic faith and what if any differences in behavior that will entail when you’re with them. If you are not practicing Catholicism and you attend Mass with them, at least be respectful and not snarky, and refrain from receiving Communion since it does represent the unity of belief you no longer maintain.

In short, be an adult about it and don’t come off sounding like a whiny teenager who’s been done wrong by. And don’t stir up controversy. I’m not saying you would, just saying don’t. Be aware also that those of us who are the remaining Catholics in families where most have fallen away (such as yours truly) are sad enough about that, so don’t rub salt into their wounds.
 
Vicki_T said:
I am a 32 year old female who has fallen away from the church for quite some time. I haven’t really gone to church on my own terms for a long time… probably less than 10 times in the past 15 years. It started out as me not going to church yet still holding onto some of the beliefs, but I have completely fallen away from the Catholic Faith for about 5 years now. I live in a different state from my parents/family so whenever I would go visit them I would just accompany them to church to “keep up appearances” so to speak, but honestly I hate every minute of it. Going to church this past Christmas was the last straw, and I am just tired of living a lie.

I don’t consider myself an atheist, I just personally believe that the church/bible/pretty much any dogma doesn’t paint the true picture of God and that a lot of it is an embellishment/lie. I feel like religion tells us more about the nature of man than the nature of God, since religion basically is a man made institution. I felt like the church never really explained anything so I have gotten into “New Age” spirituality and have seriously never felt better in my life. I feel like the church just thrives on guilt, shame, and fear and doesn’t allow you to have an opinion or ask any questions. I feel like I have more purpose in my life and have never felt so connected to God before and I just feel waaaay happier than I ever was as a Catholic. Abandoning the church is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made.

So, now the problem is how do I express this to my family? My parents know that I have been dabbling in alternative beliefs and that I have some radical ideas (well, radical as far as the church goes), and they probably know I don’t go to church anymore, but none of this has been FORMALLY expressed. The ones I am most worried about are my mother and one of my sisters. My mom has branched out a little bit by recently having some non traditional beliefs so she might be more ok with it than I give her credit for, but my other sister is just plain delusional. She still thinks that at almost 33 years old that I am still a virgin because I am not married (HA!). She also cried when I told her I was questioning whether there really was a Hell or Satan.

I feel sad that this even has to be an issue because these are my beliefs and I am not telling them that they shouldn’t go to church or believe in the church either. So how should I go about telling them?

Also, as a side curiosity, what would you do if you found out one of your family members officially left the church?
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Hmmm. As to your first question, I’d wait for a good opportunity to bring the whole issue up. I’d also try to handle it via email so that the other person has a chance to think before replying.

Let’s say, for example, that you plan on spending Easter with your family. As discussions come up about the logistics of that–when you’ll arrive, at whose house (if applicable) you’ll be staying at, etc–this would be an excellent time to send an email briefly explaining why you won’t be attending Mass with them. I strongly suggest that you do not wait until, say, next Christmas Eve at 11:15 PM to tell Grandma that you aren’t going to Midnight Mass because you’re no longer a practicing Catholic.

Whether or not you want to discuss this further is up to you. As you might imagine, I disagree with you on a number of points in your post (churchgoing Catholic here 😉 ), but you’re an adult, and to me your question is more about etiquette than religion. You’re an adult, you’ve made a decision, and it’s reasonable to insist that other people treat you respectfully about it. (They needn’t agree with you and probably won’t, but they don’t get to treat you badly as a result.) Insofar as further discussion of your position goes, you could either indicate courteously but firmly that you don’t want to discuss it any further, or you can say something like “if you have any questions about how I’ve arrived at these conclusions, I’d be happy to try to answer them.”

As to your last, it would really depend on the family member. I’d probably ask them if I could ask why they left the Church, and perhaps ask if they’d like to talk about it. If they seemed interested in discussing things, I’d listen to what they had to say and, if asked, offer my opinion or explain Church teaching as best as I could. If I wasn’t asked, I’d probably say something like “I’m sorry that you’re leaving, and though I disagree strongly with your decision, I wish you the best. If you have any questions you’d like to bounce off someone about the Church or Her teachings, I’d be glad to listen, and I even promise not to give my opinion unless asked. In any case, I love you; are we still on for coffee next Tuesday?” Finally, I’d keep praying for that person.
 
Why make an announcement? If or when it comes up, (like if they ask you to participate in Mass) explain that you no longer believe. You’re an adult and you have the right to choose your own beliefs. I don’t see how it’s helpful or beneficial to do a big production and call your sister names and speak disrespectfully of the beliefs of your family. Simply opt out.
 
And as to your other question. When someone I know informs me that they’ve left the faith, my reaction would be to pray for them. However, if they ranted at me the way you did in your post, I would think little of them and I would probably limit my contact with them in the future.
 
The Catholic Church is not out to make you have good and pleasurable feelings. Christ gave us the Church to save us from both ourselves and hell. Question “New Age” spirituality. How do you know if it made you further from the faith? How do you (as an individual) know the true nature of God?
 
Allegra said:
Why make an announcement? If or when it comes up, (like if they ask you to participate in Mass) explain that you no longer believe. You’re an adult and you have the right to choose your own beliefs. I don’t see how it’s helpful or beneficial to do a big production and call your sister names and speak disrespectfully of the beliefs of your family. Simply opt out.
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Agreed. What would be the motivation fro wanting to hurt or disappoint them?
Seems selfish.
If you think Catholicism is so awful, don’t’ practice. That’s what you’ve already done.
They’re not stupid, they probably have known for some time.
To make an announcement sounds confrontational. Unless that’s what you’re aiming for. 🤷
 
I have met many people who have expressed their belief, as you have in this thread, and then later have woken up to greater truths. I could have said similar things thirty years ago.

What gives me happiness now is that I did not take many loud stands back then on my search… What gives me sadness is that I discounted my mother, grandmother, and others’ faith and belief and may have led young relatives astray, all because I thought I was smart and MY faith journey was so important over theirs.

Be sure you are not rebelling against something, rather than honestly seeking truth. Be quieter and kinder with those who believe differently, especially the ones who raised you. Their paths, must be respected as much as you wish to be respected. I can find as much arrogance amongst New Age thinkers as I find amongst others. They frequently look down upon their families and church of origin. This can isolate you and them.

Be wise, cautious, private, humble, and loving on your faith journey; you do not know where it will lead.
 
I’m not necessarily trying to disappoint anyone or be selfish… I am just tired of not being truthful. I am not the best at communication and I am really trying to work on that because I have a fear of confrontation, so I feel like I need to get my feelings out and be honest with them. Of course I love my family and they might not like the fact that I have fallen away from the church but I believe they will be able to see past it. They might not love my decision but they will still love ME. It’s just really hard to make that first step.
 
Like I said, I don’t have a problem with my family being Catholic, I just hope they don’t have a problem with me NOT being it. I more or less stated some of my beliefs just to show why I disagree with and left the church and as additional information, not to try to convince anyone to have my beliefs. If anything, New Age thinking has made me more respectful of other people because it made me realize we are all on our own path and that it’s our own truth and it’s all right for us. When I was a Catholic I was always trying convert people and/or got upset when people didn’t think like I did. I think it’s more arrogant to think that your beliefs are the “right” ones and that everyone else is wrong. I don’t think there is a universal “right” way, its what ever resonates most with you since everyone is on their own journey. That’s just my opinion.
 
Vicki_T said:
I’m not necessarily trying to disappoint anyone or be selfish… I am just tired of not being truthful. I am not the best at communication and I am really trying to work on that because I have a fear of confrontation, so I feel like I need to get my feelings out and be honest with them. Of course I love my family and they might not like the fact that I have fallen away from the church but I believe they will be able to see past it. They might not love my decision but they will still love ME. It’s just really hard to make that first step.
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As an adult, why do you feel this is necessary?
 
I can relate. I’ve had questions about the faith, too, probably similar reasons. Though, I’ve still managed to go to mass on Sundays and holy days. Still, it´s hard. I understand. Though, if you say that to people here, some will get angry with you. I won´t, though.

I am seeking, too. I don´t feel qualified to answer, but I won´t get upset for your asking. I allow it. Actually, that was supposed to be the original intent of the forum, was for people with questions on the faith.

With your family, I´d probably say to keep it short and sweet. When they ask you to go to church, say you´re not attending, because…you´ve lost your faith.

I understand what you mean about not wanting you to ask questions or doubt. I´m seeing that right now as you´re talking.

Sometimes, when I have a doubt, people more or less have sometimes done the same thing to me, and I probably have done that to others, as well.

I also think I know what you mean about the guilt and shame. Sometimes, in psychology, we learned guilt wasn´t very helpful…regret, yes, guilt, no. However, some are really into it.

I live in Mexico, and here, they still have self affliction for penance. We have people knee walking. I had that as my penance, once, and I remember bleeding from it. I had a friend who got that as a penance, to knee walk across SEVEN churches.

After that, I stayed away from the Catholic Church for about 10 years. I felt that it almost seemed depressing, at times.

I´ve had some difficult dealings with priests, as well. Once here, I had a priest yell at me in front of everyone for using the wrong hand for communion. It was actually, I think, my first mass in Latin America.

Once, someone I know, got yelled at by a priest for wanting to receive communion in the hand, rather than on the tongue.

The environment can feel “cold” in that there is generally a lack of fellowship. A lot of people say fellowship…isn´t important, though…Catholics, especially.

I remember my former sister-in-law once was saying someone she knew was trying some Protestant denominations, didn´t like them calling at the house, wanting to go over and pray with the person. So, she invited the person to a Catholic church, promising that NOBODY would bother them, and of course, nobody did! So, they loved it!

Here, we generally just come and go.

I´ve talked to some of my former students. I asked one why she left the Catholic Church, and in a word, she said, “fellowship”. She said she believed fellowship was actually important.

I actually honestly believe that is probably one of the reasons why people are leaving the Catholic Church. They sometimes don´t feel belonging, can´t fit in. If they have a question, or a doubt, instead of trying to express concern, understanding, caring, empathy, they sometimes flare out in anger, further helping to drive the person away.

I have a lot of questions myself.

Today, people were saying the pope said that there´s no answers in yoga. Now, I didn´t research it or anything, if that even was what he said. However, I practiced yoga for years, and I just had to disagree. They also believe in chastity, truthfulness, non-covetness, non-harming, non-killing.

So, if he actually said that, to me, that´s a falsehood. Yoga, DOES have some answers. Again, a lot of times, quotes get misquoted. Maybe he didn´t say that. IF he did, it pushes me further away, still, because I believe he´s wrong…exaggerating…to a point of falsehood.

I also have other doubts, as well. Like take, euthanasia. There have been true cases where a person is cut in half, screaming to be put out of his misery. The Catholic Church says it’d be a grave sin to pick up a gun and shoot.

Also, I have a friend of mine who is from a family of TWENTY. We are told contraception is not okay. I´m from a family of eleven. We were almost a family of fifteen…seventeen including parents. I saw how they suffered.

Sometimes, it concerns me how the church will take a really hard approach, no exceptions.

Someone raised a case of a couple where one, or both, couldn´t consumate the marriage. The civil authorities will allow a couple to marry. I´m told in that case, the Church would NOT. Now, the Church says not to live in sin, to get married. If these two try to get married, again, no! So, do you see my point?

I just have several questions, myself, and I also don´t like when I´m not supposed ask, ever doubt, …or else. I don´t think it needs to be that way.

I know I haven´t told my family any of this, for the same reason. I live in Mexico. They live in the US, though. I am trying to do what I can…go to church, but I find it harder and harder to believe, especially when I keep crossing paths with Catholics who seem to be miserable, in part, because their interpretation of the faith. Some seem to make those around miserable, as well. Some believe suffering is good, that God WANTS us to suffer.
 
Why do I feel it’s necessary to tell my family the truth about how I feel? Because its the right thing to do.
 
Vicki_T said:
Why do I feel it’s necessary to tell my family the truth about how I feel? Because its the right thing to do.
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🤷 Why do people always think that? I can think of at least a few dozen scenarios right off the cuff, where clearly the right thing to do would be to keep how one feels to oneself. It’s hardly an uncommon occurance. Why do you feel it is “right” to tell other people that what they believe is wrong? You express disdain for having done it when you were Catholic, why has it become “the right thing to do” now? All you have to say to your family is that you no longer believe and you find it disrespectful to those who genuinely do believe for you to go to Mass and go through the motions.
 
Vicki,
I would tell them.
They would still, I am sure, ask you to join and welcome you accompanying them to Mass, and they would then understand why you do not eat and drink the body and blood of Christ with them.

You are correct, the Catholic Church is a man made Kingdom, the man being Jesus, appointing Peter, and commissioning all the apostles as his Bishops, and we do continue along the line of the Orders of that Man.

As humans we have many appetites that we seek to satisfy, and you are seeking to do that as expressed in your post, feeling that the Church inhibits or restricts satisfaction of desire. While it actually calls you to responsibility in desires it can seem restrictive when desires seem the main goal of life. It tends to seem that way when it is seen as a set of teachings, dogma, rather than a Person, Jesus. And, in fact, your new ideas will be the same, a set of ideas to be lived according to rather than a person to know.

Your new ideas are also man made ideas; by what man, I don’t know. You are trusting your meaning in living to that man who made your new ideas.

We all, here, would wish you to trust the man who made our ideas, Jesus, and come to know him.

Tell your family, in person, not in email.
 
Allegra said:
🤷 Why do people always think that? I can think of at least a few dozen scenarios right off the cuff, where clearly the right thing to do would be to keep how one feels to oneself. It’s hardly an uncommon occurance. Why do you feel it is “right” to tell other people that what they believe is wrong? You express disdain for having done it when you were Catholic, why has it become “the right thing to do” now? All you have to say to your family is that you no longer believe and you find it disrespectful to those who genuinely do believe for you to go to Mass and go through the motions.
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I think she was saying she felt her family was imposing their beliefs on her, not the reverse, that she was afraid to tell the truth out of fear of her family´s reaction.
 
The New Age movement is feel good for those who follow it because it removes the concept of God as defined in Christian belief…sin and the consequences of sin and final judgement…ie…heaven or hell…there is no one dogma or doctrine to follow…no commitment to a single divinity…just a mish mash of mainly eastern religions and philosophies…no set moral standards …if it feels good do it…as long as it isn’t hurting others…which it invariably does because there is no moral standards… so what feels good for one person may not feel good for another…or what appears good for one person but not for another…and so on…so there is gradual breakdown where humans become merely another life form …like animals…like secular humanism but seeking some utopian dream where they’ll become one with the universe.
 
It sounded like she was saying she doesn´t impose her views on her family…is afraid to even talk about it. Whereas, if she believes anything differently, she is afraid they will …not sure…explode…be sad. In other words, she seems to be saying her family has the right to believe what they believe, talk about their beliefs, but she doesn´t feel she has any rights with that regard, is to keep silent in order to try to keep the peace.
 
Vicki_T said:
Why do I feel it’s necessary to tell my family the truth about how I feel? Because its the right thing to do.
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Why? this makes no sense.
If they ask, answer in truth.
If not…I don’t’ get why it has to be a talking point.
Particularly if they’re going to be hurt.

Is there more to this? Are you planning on some big “reveal?”
 
pianistclare said:
Why? this makes no sense.
If they ask, answer in truth.
If not…I don’t’ get why it has to be a talking point.
Particularly if they’re going to be hurt.

Is there more to this? Are you planning on some big “reveal?”
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Well, she goes to mass…doesn´t believe. That´s why this has all come to a head. She no longer wants to go to mass if she doesn´t believe.
 
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