How to announce to my family I am no longer Catholic?

[Allegra]

I think she was saying she felt her family was imposing their beliefs on her, not the reverse, that she was afraid to tell the truth out of fear of her family´s reaction.

Actually, what she said was that she thought that it was the right thing to do to tell her family how she feels. This was her response when it was asked why she didn’t just say she wasn’t Catholic anymore and didn’t want to participate in Mass. She apparently feels it is important for her to express her reasosns why she doesn’t want to be Catholic.

 

[Allegra]

Well, she goes to mass…doesn´t believe. That´s why this has all come to a head. She no longer wants to go to mass if she doesn´t believe.

Then she should stop going. She’s 32. Most women at 32 have husbands, children, and own their own home. Her mommy can’t force her to go to Mass. There doesn’t have to be a big presentation or a “coming out” moment.

 

[ClearWater]

Actually, what she said was that she thought that it was the right thing to do to tell her family how she feels. This was her response when it was asked why she didn’t just say she wasn’t Catholic anymore and didn’t want to participate in Mass. She apparently feels it is important for her to express her reasosns why she doesn’t want to be Catholic.

It´s her call. If she says she´s no longer Catholic, I suspect they will ask why. So, she will probably more or less expected to give some kind of response.

If it means a fight, another option would be to just say, “It’s personal” or, “I´d rather not talk about it”.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, she goes to mass…doesn´t believe. That´s why this has all come to a head. She no longer wants to go to mass if she doesn´t believe.

So…what, are you translating?
Why don’t we let her answer the questions herself?

 

[John_Martin]

Why? this makes no sense.
If they ask, answer in truth.
If not…I don’t’ get why it has to be a talking point.
Particularly if they’re going to be hurt.

Is there more to this? Are you planning on some big “reveal?”

People desire to be known and loved.
Known, so they reveal themselves to the other.
Loved, so they hope the other finds them desirable to be together with.

She knows her family, to some degree, but feels they do not know her in this area.
And if there is the unknown being, then love is unknown as to actuality in relation to the unknown.

There is a kind of sadness in saying something you think will not be liked. But there is still the human need to be known.

 

[ClearWater]

Then she should stop going. She’s 32. Most women at 32 have husbands, children, and own their own home. Her mommy can’t force her to go to Mass. There doesn’t have to be a big presentation or a “coming out” moment.

Sometimes, just saying one is changing one’s faith, in some families, IS really hard. I´ve seen it in my own family. Once, my sister said she was changing her faith. Since she lived at home, she waited until she was officially married, then said she was changing her faith. My mother was SO upset, said it was like a “slap in the face”.

Yet, my sister, now in her 60s, says she understands what it’s like to experience that on the receiving end, because her daughter left that church.

It’s hard for parents when their children leave the faith they were raised in. It can hurt, even if it is done very nicely and considerately.

There are a lot of feelings for everyone to work through.

 

[Allegra]

It´s her call. If she says she´s no longer Catholic, I suspect they will ask why. So, she will probably more or less expected to give some kind of response.

If it means a fight, another option would be to just say, “It’s personal” or, “I´d rather not talk about it”.

That would definately be my response. That’s why I tell my mother anytime she brings up some aspect of my life that she feels I’m doing wrong. It’s called “setting a boundary” and it’s an excellent strategy for adults who want to get along with their parents. (And OP’s parents sound a lot more chill than mine.)

 

[Allegra]

People desire to be known and loved.
Known, so they reveal themselves to the other.
Loved, so they hope the other finds them desirable to be together with.

She knows her family, to some degree, but feels they do not know her in this area.
And if there is the unknown being, then love is unknown as to actuality in relation to the unknown.

There is a kind of sadness in saying something you think will not be liked. But there is still the human need to be known.

I’m a human and if I let every person I came in contact with know what I think of everything they say, do, or profess, I would be a very lonely human. Keeping ones negative opinons of what is important to others is not dishonest, it’s respectful. If a person feels comfortable having an actual discussion that’s one thing, but that’s very different from speech making and “coming out”.

 

[petra22]

Be aware also that those of us who are the remaining Catholics in families where most have fallen away (such as yours truly) are sad enough about that, so don’t rub salt into their wounds.

I understand this part!

 

[ClearWater]

People desire to be known and loved.
Known, so they reveal themselves to the other.
Loved, so they hope the other finds them desirable to be together with.

She knows her family, to some degree, but feels they do not know her in this area.
And if there is the unknown being, then love is unknown as to actuality in relation to the unknown.

There is a kind of sadness in saying something you think will not be liked. But there is still the human need to be known.

YES!

I think people want to be accepted AS THEY ARE, first.

Actually, I knew a couple who accepted their kids, or tried to, and it actually generally worked REALLY well. So, instead of flaring out, getting into heated arguments, the parents would respond, “You know what you’re doing”, and they would NOT normally try to interfere. Often, teens, and others, would be simply going through a stage, would come right back, even faster, if anything, when accepted for what they were, loved as they are.

If we want to change someone, I think the best way is to accept them. It’s almost like reverse psychology. As long as people are telling you, “How DARE you question that?! How DARE you leave the Church?!”, it basically pushes people even further away.

Were someone to really want to genuinely turn this person around, the way to approach her would be…“Oh…I am SO sorry you feel that way!” “That’s got to be SO hard, not feeling even you can turn to your own FAMILY for understanding and support!” “If you can´t turn to your own FAMILY, who CAN you turn to?!”

THEN, if one wants to talk about New Age and say, “Well, New Age also has some drawbacks”…x, y, and z.

I think if the person at least TRIES to accept the person, validate the feeling of …not being understood…having religion forced upon oneself, rather than allowing it to be her idea, her choice, feeling the need for secrecy in order to keep the peace, to try to live a lie.

I think it WOULD be rough.

In my family, differences over faith have generated probably more conflict than anything else…resulted in people not speaking for years on end.

It’s a shame it’s that way. In the ideal, one SHOULD be able to go to family with…doubts, disagreements, concerns, and find someone who is, at least, willing to hear your reasons out.

 

[ClearWater]

So…what, are you translating?
Why don’t we let her answer the questions herself?

Actually, I have no way to stop her from talking.

I am part of this dialog, stating my views, as are you.

She contacted this forum, to have our (name removed by moderator)ut. I gave my opinion…as you are giving yours.

If she disagrees with me, she will say so.

 

[petra22]

I have met many people who have expressed their belief, as you have in this thread, and then later have woken up to greater truths. I could have said similar things thirty years ago.
Truer words were never spoken!

 

[John_Martin]

I’m a human and if I let every person I came in contact with know what I think of everything they say, do, or profess, I would be a very lonely human. Keeping ones negative opinons of what is important to others is not dishonest, it’s respectful. If a person feels comfortable having an actual discussion that’s one thing, but that’s very different from speech making and “coming out”.

You seem to be doing very well at letting everyone know what you think of what they say.

But Vicki was wanting to let them know what she is about, she was not intending to tell them what they do is wrong. She wants them to know her in her current understanding of herself, rather than pretending in their presence.

And, from a Catholic perspective, how can we pray for someone to return if we do not know they have left?

 

[pianistclare]

Actually, I have no way to stop her from talking.

I am part of this dialog, stating my views, as are you.

She contacted this forum, to have our (name removed by moderator)ut. I gave my opinion…as you are giving yours.

If she disagrees with me, she will say so.

I have no issue with you posting…I do have an issue with you speaking for her.

 

[ClearWater]

You seem to be doing very well at letting everyone know what you think of what they say.

But Vicki was wanting to let them know what she is about, she was not intending to tell them what they do is wrong. She wants them to know her in her current understanding of herself, rather than pretending in their presence.

And, from a Catholic perspective, how can we pray for someone to return if we do not know they have left?

Amen.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

I think technically speaking, if you have been confirmed you can’t “no longer be Catholic”. Now you might be a Catholic who no longer practices the faith, but once marked, always marked.

I think to explain to your family, just prove the logic of your decision. Do a chapter study on the Gospel of John. This will give a solid chance to explain, in a thoughtful and non-condemning way, why your new way of life is a better option than the one Christ offered.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[Allegra]

You seem to be doing very well at letting everyone know what you think of what they say.

But Vicki was wanting to let them know what she is about, she was not intending to tell them what they do is wrong. She wants them to know her in her current understanding of herself, rather than pretending in their presence.

And, from a Catholic perspective, how can we pray for someone to return if we do not know they have left?

We are talking in an open internet forum, where everyone is here with the understanding that religious matters are being discussed and debated and rules of engagement are in force. You don’t see how this environment is different then staging a big announcement in your mother’s livingroom?

I’m not advocating for the OP to pretend to be a practicing Catholic. What I’m pointing out is that the confrontation the OP claims to be dreading does not actually have to happen. She has the perfect right to opt out, if she thinks it will upset her family and if it would preserve their relationships, it is certainly advisable.

 

[ClearWater]

I also think what was in the original post was for our ears only, that I doubt she intends to phrase it that way to her family. That´s why she was asking for our feedback. She asked us how to approach her family. That was even the title of the thread.

She trusted us enough to tell us the truth about ALL of her feelings. When people tell a difficult truth, I try to be MORE understanding, even when I disagree. I try to acknowledge the difficulty of speaking the truth when it is hard.

She was not saying she was going to tell family that way. She seemed to be looking for a diplomatic solution.

I have a friend of mine who is honest much of the time, and in the beginning, it was REALLY hard. If she didn´t like something, she wouldn´t lie, be polite, and say she did! She would say she didn´t like it…be it food, or whatever.

After I got used to the truth, I learned to REALLY value it, because if she told me she liked something, I knew she actually meant it, that she wasn´t just saying what she thought I wanted to hear.

In the beginning, it hurt some,…the truth, I mean. She would even tell me the truth about myself…my weaknessness, how I came across. However, she later became one of my BEST friends. I valued her honesty.

She was not just like a “yes” man, trying to please me.

It reminds me of, in relationships, when I was younger, I tried very hard to please people. I’d say I LOVED things that I actually HATED! I felt like telling the truth would hurt people, even when done gently. So, I did a lot of white lies.

Now, I still do white lies, but really, the more we can be truthful, in a nice, GENTLE way, would, in many cases, work well.

Insofar as confrontation goes…when I was in social work, we were advised to use confrontation sparingly…number one. Number two…to do it GENTLY. IF you do this, I’d say to handle this with kidd gloves. GENTLY!

 

[Vicki_T]

Sorry I stepped away for a bit!

Obviously there was a lot of replies to this, and I don’t remember what everyone said, but I agree with ClearWater and John Martin. It’s not about bashing anyones beliefs or trying to convince others of mine, but it’s about the anxiety of expressing to my family that I no longer share their beliefs. I love my family dearly but I don’t want this to make them change the way they feel about me. I want them to love and accept me just as much as they do now. I guess the only way I will find out how they will react is to just tell them. And I know I have no control over how people feel or what their response will be, but I just don’t want them to worry about me or think that something bad will happen to me. I don’t want them to feel like they failed me or anything or just have any type of sad or bad feelings. But I want to be fair with them and I don’t want to feel like I am living a lie or being a hypocrite. This has been weighing down on me for a while now and I just want to come clean and lift the veil.

 

[acadiANNA]

Find an RCIA class. Go to the meetings. Do not give up too quickly, but stay with it. You can’t be interested in something you don’t know enough about. So learn again about the Catholic faith. I hope and pray you will and that you will receive proper instruction. God bless you.