How to announce to my family I am no longer Catholic?

[Vicki_T]

That is really sad ClearWater. I definitely have issues with my parents, but I don’t feel as trampled as you must feel. My parents have overall been very loving and supportive of me throughout my life. There have been many things that I have done that they didn’t necessarily agree with, but they still loved and supported me if it was important to me. Religion is such a big core value that I am not sure if they will be so supportive. I am sure they will have a problem with it at first but eventually get over it. It’s just that initial conversation that is soooo hard for me. I don’t want it to be one of those moments for them when your life just flips upside down, like a kid who finds out there’s no Santa Claus. I don’t think it will be THAT Earth shattering, since I have said that I have discussed some of my new beliefs and that I have taken an interest in some things, but I never officially denounced myself from the church. They probably already know, but to just hear the words spoken from my own mouth might be a huge reality check that might be tough to swallow.

 

[Allegra]

It’s pretty bad. My mother and father clearly don’t get along and haven’t for a long time, but they are both so stubborn that neither of them talk about their feelings with each other. My mother just gives everyone the passive aggressive silent treatment instead of talking things out. And she comes to ME about issues with my father. I am her child, not her marriage counselor. I tell her that talking to me about the issues she has isn’t going to fix anything and that she needs to talk to him but she refuses to talk to him. So she’s been stewing in anger and resentment for years. I’m sure they both have. I know I have communication problems too, but I never want to get as bad as my parents, which is why I am really trying to work on them now and break the bad habit of silence and ignoring problems.

If that’s the case, then why do you want to discuss this with them at all? It seems to me that if I was dealing with people who I knew struggled with appropriate communication, I don’t think I would breach the waters with a such a highly emotional subject. I mean, perfectly normal people with the best of intentions and no personal connection often get into screaming matches over issues like religious beliefs. You’re biting off a pretty big piece to chew if you make this issue the one you attempt to break down the wall with. I have to go back to the option of simply telling them that you no longer practice Catholicism and it isn’t up for debate.

 

[ClearWater]

squeezing note in here: Ask questions from apologist. He will resolve your disquiet. Corporal punishment w penance is not allowed per vatican. It is a local cultural thing. It is like in the phillipines where some get crucified on crosses (yulk). The priest scandal was real. There is beauty in the church. Priests are christs representatives/ministers but they are still sinners saved by grace. You will not agree w all rules of any church you join. But catholicism has most of it correct.
God bless you
alice

Really? I didn´t realize that. Good to know! Thanks! I’ll keep that in mind should this come up again.

 

[ClearWater]

If that’s the case, then why do you want to discuss this with them at all? It seems to me that if I was dealing with people who I knew struggled with appropriate communication, I don’t think I would breach the waters with a such a highly emotional subject. I mean, perfectly normal people with the best of intentions and no personal connection often get into screaming matches over issues like religious beliefs. You’re biting off a pretty big piece to chew if you make this issue the one you attempt to break down the wall with. I have to go back to the option of simply telling them that you no longer practice Catholicism and it isn’t up for debate.

Well,…one option…continue to suppress your feelings…hide in order to keep the peace, lie if necessary.

You can tell the truth, gently, just that you lost your faith. When they ask why, how…you can say it came about over a period of time, didn´t want to say anything, because you were so afraid of their reaction, that they’d be hurt, upset, but finally, you didn´t want to try continue like this, hoped they could understand, that you still love and care about them.

 

[ClearWater]

That is really sad ClearWater. I definitely have issues with my parents, but I don’t feel as trampled as you must feel. My parents have overall been very loving and supportive of me throughout my life. There have been many things that I have done that they didn’t necessarily agree with, but they still loved and supported me if it was important to me. Religion is such a big core value that I am not sure if they will be so supportive. I am sure they will have a problem with it at first but eventually get over it. It’s just that initial conversation that is soooo hard for me. I don’t want it to be one of those moments for them when your life just flips upside down, like a kid who finds out there’s no Santa Claus. I don’t think it will be THAT Earth shattering, since I have said that I have discussed some of my new beliefs and that I have taken an interest in some things, but I never officially denounced myself from the church. They probably already know, but to just hear the words spoken from my own mouth might be a huge reality check that might be tough to swallow.

Yeah, it will probably be hard all around.

However, as you say, as deep as religion is as an issue, you seem to have other issues that need addressing…communication…boundaries.

Religion tends to be one really highly-charged issue. People often get wound up about it in a way they wouldn´t with any other issue, except maybe politics.

Sometimes, this can have yet another level…be about control.

Though, it sounds like they truly do love and care about you despite problems, want the best for you, just have some issues. What family doesn´t?

 

[Allegra]

Well,…one option…continue to suppress your feelings…hide in order to keep the peace, lie if necessary.

This is the exact opposite of what I suggested. It isn’t necessary to lie. Simply say that you aren’t a practicing Catholic anymore. That’s the truth.

 

[ClearWater]

Oh yeah…and not talking about problems in a direct manner…using silence…accompanying the silence can be an emotion…often anger.

Passive-aggressive is really hard to deal with.

I wish there were some way for you to seek family counseling to have a neutral, uninvolved person, sworn to confidentiality, to help your family work out any issues.

I realize that is, in some ways, unrelated…although, it also is…it’s about their overstepping their boundaries with you, that you are fearful, don´t feel free to live your own life. That’s really unfortunate.

 

[ClearWater]

This time around, the issue is …religion…but this sounds like a pattern, that will tend to repeat unless something changes.

In my family, I am 50 y.o., and this pattern has gone on so long that I’ve given up hope of it ever changing.

I just feel, at least in my case that I can´t change any of this. So, I have stopped trying, and I get painted as sort of like the “black sheep”, get the brunt of the blame, I think, which sometimes, doesn´t seem fair.

Your case might be different. You’re younger, have completely different family dynamics. I don´t believe my family will ever change. So, I accept that.

Yours…I don´t know.

It’d be nice, religion aside, if you could try to see if you could work on issues of…say, communication…having it more direct. If you do that, my suggestion would be to try to tackle one issue at a time.

Pick one thing, and work on that.

If it would help, YOU can also receive counseling. Now, you may wonder why I suggest this, but if you have dysfunction in your family…boundary problems, you will probably learn that from your family. If you have your own family, it will probably repeat into the next generation.

If you want to break this, you might find counseling helpful. They can be neutral, objective. They have often dealt with this many, many ,many times before, have experience, know how to deal with it, how to help.

You might need to learn assertiveness which is very different from aggression. I need to learn how to stand up for myself, as well.

 

[ClearWater]

In my family, the dysfunction is just so great that even when I have tried assertiveness (not aggression), it STILL doesn´t work…or maybe that’s what “working” looks like…not sure.

It was just SO uncomfortable.

Anyway, sounds like your family is different. A shame you couldn´t get some family counseling, work on one issue at a time…say, communication.

I had trouble with my relationships with communication.

You will probably find if you have this problem with your family that it will be reflected in your other relationships. So, even if you ever completely picked up and just left your family, the same patterns often come up again and again, because you will always bring your head with you.

If you want this pattern to change, YOU are the first one who would need to change.

I’ve been told that with change, if you stay firm, it can work. That´s why it’d be helpful to get support on how to work through this, from a professional with experience.

 

[MaryT777]

I suggest then telling your family very gently, with much love and with very minimal information to begin with.

In other words, simply say “I don’t attend Mass any longer but appreciate your prayers for me that is thoughtful.” or something like that, that you could think of. Leave it minimal please, try and not give your family a lot of details about what you find false about the Catholic church. This is not to be false or hypocritical, they will find this information out eventually as you are not going to hide it forever you are just letting them down gently because they are still members of the church.

Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it’s not necessary (or kind) to tell him every single last detail about his personality that you find annoying about him when you break up with him is it? Sometimes it is sufficient to say, “I am just not happy” and list a few main reasons just to soften the blow hope that makes sense. Just trying to spare some of your families emotions since I am guessing you are concerned about that while trying to be honest with them. Over the course of time you will have conversations, phone calls, emails etc. and you can hash out your faith differences but that should happen over time just my two cents.

I am very sorry that you left the church and that as a faith community we let you down. God bless you on your faith journey and I hope to see your return some day.

Well said and I agree this would be a good approach~
Mary.

 

[Allegra]

Delusional means having unrealistic beliefs, and I think that in general, a 32 year old virgin is quite unrealistic. I never said she was stupid for thinking that way, just that it was naive and pretty unlikely.

By the way, “delusional” doesn’t mean “having unrealistic beliefs” or thoughts that are “naive and pretty unlikely”. “Delusional” is actually a psychiatric term that describes a person who is unable to face reality despite irrefutable evidence that their delusion is inccorrect. Your age does not meet that standard of evidence. Now if you were to say that you have been living with a man for four years, staying in the same room, and you had two children together, that might rise to the level of delusion. But if you’ve never given your sister any reason to believe that you were sexually active (other than your age and your own presuposition that virginity is not something to be desired.), then that’s called “giving you the benefit of the doubt.”

Perhaps you didn’t know what the word “delusion” means, or perhaps you do and you were just exhaggerating. Euther way, I would refrain from using that word and other name-calling when you talk to your sister.

 

[Vicki_T]

In my family, the dysfunction is just so great that even when I have tried assertiveness (not aggression), it STILL doesn´t work…or maybe that’s what “working” looks like…not sure.

It was just SO uncomfortable.

Anyway, sounds like your family is different. A shame you couldn´t get some family counseling, work on one issue at a time…say, communication.

I had trouble with my relationships with communication.

You will probably find if you have this problem with your family that it will be reflected in your other relationships. So, even if you ever completely picked up and just left your family, the same patterns often come up again and again, because you will always bring your head with you.

If you want this pattern to change, YOU are the first one who would need to change.

I’ve been told that with change, if you stay firm, it can work. That´s why it’d be helpful to get support on how to work through this, from a professional with experience.

Thanks ClearWater. I know that communication is a big problem of mine but hopefully it’s something I can get over. I’m always afraid of what people think or how they will react, but I just have to accept the fact that I don’t have control over that. In any case, it will definitely feel better just to be open about things. I don’t want to live my life without a voice.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am a 32 year old female who has fallen away from the church for quite some time. I haven’t really gone to church on my own terms for a long time… probably less than 10 times in the past 15 years. It started out as me not going to church yet still holding onto some of the beliefs, but I have completely fallen away from the Catholic Faith for about 5 years now. I live in a different state from my parents/family so whenever I would go visit them I would just accompany them to church to “keep up appearances” so to speak, but honestly I hate every minute of it. Going to church this past Christmas was the last straw, and I am just tired of living a lie.

I don’t consider myself an atheist, I just personally believe that the church/bible/pretty much any dogma doesn’t paint the true picture of God and that a lot of it is an embellishment/lie. I feel like religion tells us more about the nature of man than the nature of God, since religion basically is a man made institution. I felt like the church never really explained anything so I have gotten into “New Age” spirituality and have seriously never felt better in my life. I feel like the church just thrives on guilt, shame, and fear and doesn’t allow you to have an opinion or ask any questions. I feel like I have more purpose in my life and have never felt so connected to God before and I just feel waaaay happier than I ever was as a Catholic. Abandoning the church is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made.

So, now the problem is how do I express this to my family? My parents know that I have been dabbling in alternative beliefs and that I have some radical ideas (well, radical as far as the church goes), and they probably know I don’t go to church anymore, but none of this has been FORMALLY expressed. The ones I am most worried about are my mother and one of my sisters. My mom has branched out a little bit by recently having some non traditional beliefs so she might be more ok with it than I give her credit for, but my other sister is just plain delusional. She still thinks that at almost 33 years old that I am still a virgin because I am not married (HA!). She also cried when I told her I was questioning whether there really was a Hell or Satan.

I feel sad that this even has to be an issue because these are my beliefs and I am not telling them that they shouldn’t go to church or believe in the church either. So how should I go about telling them?

Also, as a side curiosity, what would you do if you found out one of your family members officially left the church?

Well, number one, I can tell you you are wrong about God. But number two, you are 32! You can believe as you wish. Free will and all… Why do you feel the need to make some sort of official announcement knowing it will be seen as a rejection of the most important things in your parents lives… Are you independent or married? Why is this even an issue?

 

[Viki63]

I haven’t really gone to church on my own terms for a long time… probably less than 10 times in the past 15 years. . . .
Also, as a side curiosity, what would you do if you found out one of your family members officially left the church?

Just a brief note: I urge you not to formally leave the Church. People change their beliefs and opinions over time, and you are young enough that you will continue to do so, hopefully. But formally leaving the church, if that is what you mean by officially, is burning your bridges unnecessarily,
If I understand you correctly, you practiced Catholicism until about the age of 17, when you began drifting away, and basically haven’t really attended in the last 15 years.
A 17 year old isn’t really an adult, and one’s thinking at that age tends to be flawed. The brain doesn’t finish developing until about the age of 25. So it seems to me that you may have erroneous beliefs about the Catholic Church that you have never checked out.
I sure would not want to make serious decisions based on my knowledge of anything at the age of 17. I thought I knew it all, and definitely didn’t.
Before you throw out the baby and the bath, I urge you to take another look at the church. Jesus wasn’t just whistlin’ dixie when he founded her, at the cost of his life.

 

[ClearWater]

Thanks ClearWater. I know that communication is a big problem of mine but hopefully it’s something I can get over. I’m always afraid of what people think or how they will react, but I just have to accept the fact that I don’t have control over that. In any case, it will definitely feel better just to be open about things. I don’t want to live my life without a voice.

In my life, I actually tried to find my voice, pretty much got beaten down. So, I just have learned not to confide about my personal stuff with my family. Times I forget, it usually comes back to me.

You haven´t told your family before, probably because you feared their reaction. Now, it’s my experience if we are reacting this way, it’s probably because we tried to express our views, in the past, got shot down so badly that now, we simply don´t even dare, even if we are adults. We find the degree of conflict over the issues not to be worth the suffering.

 

[ClearWater]

If you would like support while confronting your parents (gently), with the truth, you could possibly get some from a counselor.

 

[Allegra]

Just a brief note: I urge you not to formally leave the Church. People change their beliefs and opinions over time, and you are young enough that you will continue to do so, hopefully. But formally leaving the church, if that is what you mean by officially, is burning your bridges unnecessarily,
If I understand you correctly, you practiced Catholicism until about the age of 17, when you began drifting away, and basically haven’t really attended in the last 15 years.
A 17 year old isn’t really an adult, and one’s thinking at that age tends to be flawed. The brain doesn’t finish developing until about the age of 25. So it seems to me that you may have erroneous beliefs about the Catholic Church that you have never checked out.
I sure would not want to make serious decisions based on my knowledge of anything at the age of 17. I thought I knew it all, and definitely didn’t.
Before you throw out the baby and the bath, I urge you to take another look at the church. Jesus wasn’t just whistlin’ dixie when he founded her, at the cost of his life.

I’m not aware of a way to “formally” leave the Church. One simply ceases to practice. There’s also no way to “burn the bridge”. God’s mercy is infinate. If or when Vicki T wants to return to the Church, she will always be welcomed to the sacrament of reconcilliation.

 

[mjs2001]

I think that you should tell them that you rejected the moral teachings of the Catholic Church a long time ago and that you prefer the self-directedness that comes with new age spirituality. Tell them, that without moral constraints of the Church, you do whatever it is you want to do, and that you feel less guilt and shame. Tell them that, in indulging yourself, you know God better. Tell them that their religion–which calls people to give their lives to others in love–teaches us only about humanity, but that your new age spirituality–whose creed is “I will not serve”–teaches us about God. Tell them that religion is a man-made institution, but new age spirituality is from God–notwithstanding all of the new age best sellers written by men, purchased by men, and parroted by men. And please remember to tell them that they’re delusional.