How to Ask a Guy Without Being Obvious?

[O_Sanctissima]

So, I’ve written previously about a guy friend of mine. Since then, we’ve gotten a lot closer, and know each other so much better. I feel quite confident that he is a good man, and could be a worthy partner in life. I love him so much! I just wonder if there’s a way I can ask him if he feels the same way without seeming too eagerly obvious. I do not want to hurt our friendship and I am always hearing about friendships being broken because someone liked the other party, made it known, and the feeling was not mutual. I am absolutely terrible at reading people.

I’d like to ask in such a way as to see if he’ll get the hint, or at least so that I can get some kind of idea if he is open to it, before I decide what to do next. Truthfully, what I really want to do is just tell him straight up that he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and that I value him more than words can tell, and that I would like to know if he likes me in the same way. But I do not want to risk changing or deleting our friendship if the feeling is not mutual, or if I’m not reasonably confident anyway.

Also, are there any signs of a guy being interested, or anything I can body-language-wise? Anything in writing (email, chat, text) that one does or can do? What about speaking on the phone?

Also. When communicating via writing (i.e. chat, etc.) he often uses a lot of emoticons, and he’s been doing a lot more lately, whereas when we met, he never did it. He uses the one the most often. Is that flirting? He’s kind of a serious guy (though he has a great sense of humor- he just is pretty serious and not given to such things ordinarily).

Thanks for any help!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Do you have a mutual friend, someone he knows well? Perhaps you could take that friend into your confidence. Have him (or her) ask your friend how he feels about you. That can be part of a longer conversation about unrelated topics without being manipulative. If he feels good about you, he can be encouraged. If his feelings don’t match yours, at least no face was lost, you know where you stand but you can still pray on this.

 

[Caroline723]

I think you are moving way too fast interiorly here. You love him so much? You need to reign that back quite a bit. He may very well see you only as a friend.

You could ask him over for dinner and scrabble (or something fun, along those lines). Or invite him to something free like Shakespeare in the Park (hard now, but summer is coming) where you bring the food; you want to avoid a situation where you are going dutch as friends. See how it goes. But at some point, risk is involved because one of you will have to make the first move. To tell him he is “one of the best things to ever happen to you” is way too weighted and intense. The only time I ever made a first move on a guy was when the chemistry/tension was frustratingly stalled and he wasn’t making the first move. I simply said to him “I really like you”, and he took it from there.

 

[1ke]

I love him so much! I just wonder if there’s a way I can ask him if he feels the same way without seeming too eagerly obvious.

No

I’d like to ask in such a way as to see if he’ll get the hint, or at least so that I can get some kind of idea if he is open to it, before I decide what to do next.

If he were truly interested, you would know it and he would show it.

But I do not want to risk changing or deleting our friendship if the feeling is not mutual, or if I’m not reasonably confident anyway.

This is the problem with male-female “friendship”. What you really have is not a friendship, it’s a wish and a prayer for more. You spend time with him in hopes of more.

Also, are there any signs of a guy being interested, or anything I can body-language-wise? Anything in writing (email, chat, text) that one does or can do? What about speaking on the phone?

Yes. They ask you on dates.

Also. When communicating via writing (i.e. chat, etc.) he often uses a lot of emoticons, and he’s been doing a lot more lately, whereas when we met, he never did it. He uses the one the most often. Is that flirting? He’s kind of a serious guy (though he has a great sense of humor- he just is pretty serious and not given to such things ordinarily).

Thanks for any help!

Not trying to burst your bubble. Just trying to be honest. If you keep hanging around with him as “friends” hoping for more then the guys who are actually interested in you will be deterred. You have made yourself unavailable with this quasi relationship. And he is fine with that. He has someone to hang out with, something to do, and no commitment to more.

Find someone who wants more and is willing to make it happen. Not this guy who will roll along with the tide forever if you let him. He’s not looking for a relationship.

 

[1ke]

Do you have a mutual friend, someone he knows well? Perhaps you could take that friend into your confidence. Have him (or her) ask your friend how he feels about you.

I would not involve others. Particularly not mutual friends.

 

[k5rakitan]

Sometimes you need to be obvious.

I recommend getting him alone somehow. Ask him to do fun things with you, and then see if you can find a quiet moment to tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, he should jump at the opportunity to go out with you. If he does not share your feelings, he’ll make excuses not to be alone with you or insist on having other friends along with whatever you are doing.

Never confess your feelings in the presence of others. He may feel pressured to respond a certain way or to spare you the embarrassment, which could lead to further complications down the road. One-on-one is best!

 

[Jenny35]

From experience, even though I know it’s not what you are wanting to hear, I very strongly recommend listening to the advice you received from 1ke.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

No
If he were truly interested, you would know it and he would show it.

Are you a man? I wouldn’t be so hasty, we (well, all human beings, really, but men certainly) can be oblivious at times.

Not trying to burst your bubble. Just trying to be honest. If you keep hanging around with him as “friends” hoping for more then the guys who are actually interested in you will be deterred. You have made yourself unavailable with this quasi relationship. And he is fine with that. He has someone to hang out with, something to do, and no commitment to more.

How do you know he doesn’t want more? Perhaps he’s shy and hasn’t worked up the courage just yet. Perhaps he’s dipping his toes in the water, getting to know her better before he commits to a relationship?

Find someone who wants more and is willing to make it happen. Not this guy who will roll along with the tide forever if you let him. He’s not looking for a relationship.

Based on what?

 

[1ke]

Are you a man? I wouldn’t be so hasty, we (well, all human beings, really, but men certainly) can be oblivious at times.

How do you know he doesn’t want more? Perhaps he’s shy and hasn’t worked up the courage just yet. Perhaps he’s dipping his toes in the water, getting to know her better before he commits to a relationship?



Based on what?

I think that the time between last August and now is plenty of time. Let’s not make excuses such as he might just be shy. He might want to get to know her better. He might be oblivious.

I stand by my original post-- #2 on her other thread: If he is interested, she will know it because he will do something about it. He has not.

My advice remains the same. Move on and quit making yourself unavailable by hanging on to the idea of a relationship with this guy.

 

[ClearWater]

My experience is similar to that of 1ke, actually. With guys, if they are interested, they will generally find a way to let you know. There generally will be little doubt.

I hate that, though. I think the guy is a friend, nothing more.

I say this as a woman who has wasted years and years on guys who were friends, hoping that something more would develop. Those were actually the best times for me to look for someone, while I was in college, say. Once you get out of college, you can still find people, but there’s less of a context to meet people.

So again, I know this must be disappointing, but it might be better to look around now for someone who could possibly reciprocate your feelings than stay in a one-sided relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

 

[Bklynguy]

So, I’ve written previously about a guy friend of mine. Since then, we’ve gotten a lot closer, and know each other so much better. I feel quite confident that he is a good man, and could be a worthy partner in life. I love him so much! I just wonder if there’s a way I can ask him if he feels the same way without seeming too eagerly obvious. I do not want to hurt our friendship and I am always hearing about friendships being broken because someone liked the other party, made it known, and the feeling was not mutual. I am absolutely terrible at reading people.

I’d like to ask in such a way as to see if he’ll get the hint, or at least so that I can get some kind of idea if he is open to it, before I decide what to do next. Truthfully, what I really want to do is just tell him straight up that he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and that I value him more than words can tell, and that I would like to know if he likes me in the same way. But I do not want to risk changing or deleting our friendship if the feeling is not mutual, or if I’m not reasonably confident anyway.

Also, are there any signs of a guy being interested, or anything I can body-language-wise? Anything in writing (email, chat, text) that one does or can do? What about speaking on the phone?

Also. When communicating via writing (i.e. chat, etc.) he often uses a lot of emoticons, and he’s been doing a lot more lately, whereas when we met, he never did it. He uses the one the most often. Is that flirting? He’s kind of a serious guy (though he has a great sense of humor- he just is pretty serious and not given to such things ordinarily).

Thanks for any help!

As a guy, I can say it is just better to be direct. You don’t have to be overly eager or pushy, just be direct on how you feel. A guy doesn’t like trying to read a woman’s mind.

If a guy is using a lot of emoticons when he writes, there is a good chance that he is flirting. If it isn’t flirting, he is comfortable enough with you to do so. Either way, it’s a good thing.

 

[Rete]

What women seem to mean by not being obvious doesn’t seem to register with most of us men. If you are not being obvious, then he probably won’t get the message. Just saying.

 

[1ke]

OP, have you two met in person at this point? Do you do things together?

Last summer you indicated you hoped to meet him soon. That was 6 months ago.

If this is all still just online and over the phone, and you are now saying you love him, you’ve lost perspective.

 

[Jenny35]

Take care on the emoticon advice. I have a guy friend from work that texts occasionally. He recently started using emoticons with me as well. And he is about to get engaged to the love of his life and I think his happiness has spilled over into all parts of his life. Don’t read too much into stuff.
Maybe he does like you. Only you really know the ins and outs of your relationship. But I could have written your very post 10 years ago, I went against advice to let it be and lost a friend. Best to you.

 

[O_Sanctissima]

When I say that I love him very much, I don’t mean a fleety romantic love. I am NOT feeling butterflies or the like around him or when I think of him. I don’t sit around daydreaming about him. I love him as a brother in Christ, as a friend with so much in common, and then I love him as a man who I can seriously see spending the rest of my life with, raising a family with, and going through good times and bad with. We are both introverted and have Asperger’s tendencies, if anyone is or knows someone with the condition you will know what I mean (we have people in both of our families with it). It’s a calm love, not a passionate one in the sense that one normally speaks of when discussing someone they want to date, but it’s there and it’s very strong.

And the thing is, I value this friendship. If I knew that he did not want to date, I would still value it strongly. I just can see in him all the makings of a stable, worthy husband and father and a friend for life. We have a freakishly large amount in common, from odd personal preferences to hobbies and interests.

I know everyone says their romantic interest is “the best thing that ever happened to them”, but when it comes to my own life, it’s quite true. He helped support me through some incredibly trying situations and done a number of other things that I will be forever grateful for. I have almost no family.

And the thing is, I’m not even especially interested in dating as a rule. At the time I met him, I wasn’t even sure that I ever wanted to get married. Before I met him, I really wasn’t interested in it at all. He’s really the only man I’ve ever seriously considered. I will say, he certainly is not going out on dates and I’ve seen him decline them repeatedly. And we spend a fair bit of time together, talking at least if not in person, usually about mutual interests but also as time went on more personal stuff too. Yes, we have visited at least once a month, when our schedules permit (it was maybe once every couple of weeks until the weather got really, really crummy). In fact, he came over one Saturday and did some work on my car, which I never asked for, and another day he built me a bookshelf (again, didn’t ask for it), which I thought was very kind of him, and I of course do what I can to reciprocate. We often work on projects together, or go see things like seminars or go to the museum or to shows and then go to lunch or dinner and talk.

Talking to some women I know just today, they told me that I have a tendency to react poorly, even involuntarily, to the suggestion of dates and the like, and maybe’s he’s picked up on it? I don’t know what I can do to stop that.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Not trying to burst your bubble. Just trying to be honest. If you keep hanging around with him as “friends” hoping for more then the guys who are actually interested in you will be deterred. You have made yourself unavailable with this quasi relationship. And he is fine with that. He has someone to hang out with, something to do, and no commitment to more.

Find someone who wants more and is willing to make it happen. Not this guy who will roll along with the tide forever if you let him. He’s not looking for a relationship.

This is some of the best advice you will get. I had a “friend” like this, we taught together, he was clear (after some time) he didn’t want more but he was content to go out often, eat, see movies basically do things he wanted to do without having to make any commitment. Once I put distance between us, yes we would hang out on occasion but not my whole Saturday like before, I was starting to meet potiential partners because there was no blockage on my time. Well this “good friend” of mine is such a good friend that he hasn’t wanted to hang out or catch up in the almost 2 years I have been with my S.O.

To play to the offense, if the situation were a bit different and you had desire to ask a guy out, I don’t see any reason to beat around the bush or involve others. You can approach a guy and be friendly, if he is interested it will generally naturally evolve and you will start to get to know him a bit more, when you (and hopefully he) feels its time to go out, just ask him to go to go. I am a fan of making plans and inviting the other person for a first date, so its not super formal. For me I have a favorite restaurant/book store that has wifi, I would be there hanging out weather the guy came along or not so its no pressure. I invite who I’m interested in, haven’t had anyone turn me down yet. Boom first date/outing out of the way.

 

[Cricket2]

Honestly this is not something to beat around the bush about. Simply tell him that you are developing stronger feelings, even of love for him and you wonder if he feels the same. Have the courage to accept a no answer and the humility to enjoy a possible yes.

I can only tell you that there is nothing more miserable to a friendship if one of the parties has stronger feelings for the other, which can’t be returned. It is better to clear the air sooner than latter. I had a male friend who felt more for me than I could ever feel for him, and I always made this very clear. Unfortunately he could not take that answer very well and came close to stalking me.

I finally had to break off a 20 year friendship because of it. If your friend says he does not feel the same as you it will be your responsibility to accept that and not push the issue again. If he says he might feel the same, then you can move forward. But, go for honesty and be upfront all the way.

 

[MaryT777]

Here’s what I think. Ike is completely on target but it’s not what you want to hear.So,
go for it. Just tell him what you think and let the chips fall where they may. It’s not healty to be pining away over some man and dreaming about marriage when you haven’t even had a date.

If he says he just considers you a friend than decide if you want to hang out in friendship land forever or move on and find a man who wants to marry you some day. Ike is right. While you’re in this friendship you’re unavailable to other men.

Also remember he could find someone else at any time if he has an intention like you to marry and you are not the one.

Hoping and thinking is wasting your emotional time now so just ask and do it soon before you spend anymore time thinking this way.
Mary.

 

[Robnv]

My two cents:

As a young man, I am intimidated about showing my feelings for a young woman because I don’t want to make things awkward between us if she doesn’t feel the same way. There is someone I like right now, and I’m getting the feeling that she may like me, but I am also terrible at reading people (as far as I know, at least). I’ll say two things.

1. I probably should say something because it’s better to find out than be left wondering and miss an opportunity, and this is true for women as well.
2. If she were to tell me that she likes me, that would be awesome. Even if I didn’t have feelings for her, I’d still be flattered and wouldn’t take it negatively at all.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

So, I’ve written previously about a guy friend of mine. Since then, we’ve gotten a lot closer, and know each other so much better. I feel quite confident that he is a good man, and could be a worthy partner in life. I love him so much! I just wonder if there’s a way I can ask him if he feels the same way without seeming too eagerly obvious. I do not want to hurt our friendship and I am always hearing about friendships being broken because someone liked the other party, made it known, and the feeling was not mutual. I am absolutely terrible at reading people.

I’d like to ask in such a way as to see if he’ll get the hint, or at least so that I can get some kind of idea if he is open to it, before I decide what to do next. Truthfully, what I really want to do is just tell him straight up that he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and that I value him more than words can tell, and that I would like to know if he likes me in the same way. But I do not want to risk changing or deleting our friendship if the feeling is not mutual, or if I’m not reasonably confident anyway.

Also, are there any signs of a guy being interested, or anything I can body-language-wise? Anything in writing (email, chat, text) that one does or can do? What about speaking on the phone?

Also. When communicating via writing (i.e. chat, etc.) he often uses a lot of emoticons, and he’s been doing a lot more lately, whereas when we met, he never did it. He uses the one the most often. Is that flirting? He’s kind of a serious guy (though he has a great sense of humor- he just is pretty serious and not given to such things ordinarily).

Thanks for any help!

Just my opinion… I am a guy and I don’t like when women play games. Not saying that you are but just ask him what you want to ask him. Why is that so hard for some women? They will not cease to be woman and if the guy really likes you he will not care that he did not make the first move, he will just be glad you like him too. My advice is… Just ask him. No games, no trying to drop hints hoping he can read your mind. If he is a serious guy, I think he would appreciate it more. Good luck.