How to ask a woman to lose weight

[calchiquita]

Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

If I was only going by this post, I would just say don’t ask her. Having read other posts, though, I am lead to wonder if your concern is more for her health. If that is true, bring up the health issue instead. By the way, PCOS does affect metabolism in a way that causes her to be hungry more often than other people so don’t think she doesn’t care, she may just feel beaten down thinking she doesn’t have willpower.

Women and men are sensitive about different things. It would probably be ok to ask a woman to get a higher-paying job, but a man would feel offended, don’t you think?

 

[MCGar]

Out of all the responces so far, I find lotusblossom’s post the most enlightening. There have been some horrible comments and some down-to-earth comments. Lotusblossom stands out in her post because she seems to assume the best intentions.

Of course, our posts reflect our own experiances so I’ll explain where I am coming from. My future fiance has a horrible horrible diet. Cheese, bread and pasta with some fried chicken strips once in a while. This disturbs me and I’m quite frank with him about it. He needs good nutrients and there is no explaining that away. He acknowledges this and tries to eat new things once in a while, but his palette is extremely limited [stunted].

My huge concern is not only with his health but with the diet habits of our future children. I know there is no way to completely keep them away from modeling him. He doesn’t want our future kids to be ‘forced’ to eat anything they don’t like. I KNOW kids need to be prodded once in a while and have a pantry full of healthy choices. I KNOW they body suffers when not fed correctly.

This type of concern should by on the OPs mind. From my impression of the situation the most bothering thing is the manner in which the lady in question goes about in her reaction to her illness. If my boyfriend would react in that same manner I would just not go down that road further with him.
I can’t stay with a person that doesn’t even let me know he’s the kind of person that **would try, **if only for my sake.

I also find myself highly offended at the insinuations that women in general would desolve into a puddle of crippling inferiority complexes if faced with the facts by a loved one. If she doesn’t know that he is concerned through love, then there are OTHER issues that need to be resolved.

Sometimes truthfullness stings badly but I believe women are strong and rational human beings. I’m dissappointed that the world believes differently.

I also notice that in the American culture there is so much stigma when attached to weight and the result is an overreaction in the opposite extreme to counter-act this stigma.

 

[leonie]

I think it might be more helpful if Kelpha took an interest in her PCOS instead of focusing on diet or weight. If he read up on it, discussed it with her, and then, sympathetically offered to help her manage her symptoms, she might be more willing to change than if she perceived it to be a criticism of her appearance.

I think it would be fair to say that he has an interest in assuring her best fertility.

But, if she’s not willing to do the things to manage her PCOS, I think he should consider not marrying her. After all, she should be eager to do all she can to be fertile. Refusing to do the things necessary to be most able to conceive might be a sign that she is not mature or selfless enough for marriage.

Kelpha, don’t forget to pray and fast for your fiance! What a blessing to have such a caring fiance.

 

[blessedtoo]

To clarify, I love this woman, would never think of breaking up with her over something like this, and if she doesn’t change, I can definitely live with something as insignificant as this.

I think this was quite clear from your first post. Why else would you bring this issue to the forums?

Let’s leave weight out of the equation…how do you ask someone you love to live a healthier lifestyle?

This is such an important concern. I dated a gentleman many years ago who had such horrendous eating habits that I found myself repulsed by his complete disregard for his own health. In addition, Kepha, if this woman is someone with whom you plan to have children, you will absolutely want healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle to be the foundation. So many children today do not know what it is to have a home-cooked dinner with all the food groups represented in their natural state. I applaud you for your concern and it is more than valid.

I like the suggestion made by another poster about cooking together. As a professional chef who has worked in private homes for folks with weight problems, when food is prepared, portioned and presented (the 3 P’s!) beautifully, people will want to eat what is good for their bodies. Shopping and cooking together could really be a bonding experience. Perhaps even taking a cooking class?

 

[Rebecca_New]

One of my friends told me that she was not going to lose weight until she was married. Then she would be sure that the man loved her for her instead of her body. Sounds unusual to say the least…I think that fat is unhealthy and everyone knows that by now. Forget about losing weight and think about eating healthy.

 

[Jay2]

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

1. The night before, secretly measure the length of her dominant arm & leg… add 12". Then your’ll know her reach.
2. Put on your track shoes
3. Unlock & open all doors
4. Remove all sharp, pointy, or heavy objects along your intended escape route.
5. Standing outside the dimension in #1, ask the question.

In all seriousness. If you have a valid reason for asking (as many have posted - bad habits, obesity, medical, etc.) there is no reason why “Honey, we have to talk about a touchy subject…” wouldn’t work.

I also find myself highly offended at the insinuations that women in general would desolve into a puddle of crippling inferiority complexes if faced with the facts by a loved one. If she doesn’t know that he is concerned through love, then there are OTHER issues that need to be resolved.

Well said.

 

[LSK]

Ok…touchy subject here, and I’d like opinions from some women especially. It’s a popular notion in today’s society that it’s perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple pounds (albeit kindly), but for a man to ask a woman to do the same is punishable by death.

To all women out there especially (and men if they have any idea), what is the best way for a man to ask a woman to lose weight?

WHERE is it considered perfectly ok for a woman to ask a man to shed a couple of pounds? Unless that woman is the man’s physician, of course…

I think it would be a difficult subject to broach for either a man OR a woman…we know we are fat. We struggle with our sin/addiction/obsessiveness whateveryouwanttocallitthisweek thing…when my doctor told me I had to lose at least 100 pounds before he would do ANYTHING about my knee problem I was upset, hurt and even angry…but I worked at it for almost 2 years to get and keep my weight off. I am not thin…I am a nice big size 12 but I am no longer morbidly obese. If someone - man or woman - today asked me to lose weight my first question would be ‘why?’ and unless they could give me a solid health reason as to why then I guess I would have a new friend…

 

[LSK]

You are not being demonized but I am still really confused. I cannot imagine an overweight man taking kindly to be asked to lose weight by someone other than a medical professional so I am having a difficult time understanding this idea you have that it is ok to ask a man to lose weight but not a woman.

This could make or break your relationship. For one thing, if this is something that affects her fertility and she is not taking it seriously she may not be open to life in a way required by a Catholic Marriage. You are right to ask the questions you are asking, because this may turn out not to be the woman for you…do you both have a priest you can talk to?

 

[Island_Oak]

Kepha,
I was really “into” reading this thread, thinking how insightful and thoughtful everyone’s points were, and then–bam!–your posts # 40 and 41 brought me up short. As in, total surprise out of left field.
I really, really think you might have jumped to the worst conclusions about the tones people are using in their posts.

Try re-reading everything again, only this time, assume the best about everyone who posted.

Ditto.

As to the topic at hand…very interesting as my husband (of 18 years) and I had this very discussion–somewhat accidentally this fall. Dh was bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t nagging him about his having put on a few pounds. When I casually laughed it off–he turned serious and said he didn’t think I was being “honest” with him about what I *really *thought. [For the record…what I really thought was that he has been incredibly busy with work, more than a little stressed and the few extra pounds he was toting around were not troubling me in the least nor anything I thought would be a permanent change in his shape]

So…like a dope, I turned the tables and asked since when had HE been perfectly honest with me about my weight/shape and just what did he think about me? Well…apparently it had been too many years since I had tried a case in court and forgetting the old adage ‘never ask a question to which you don’t already know the answer’ rendered me an easy target. His (“honest”) response…was to look me over and declare that I “had a few pounds to give back.”

I have to say I was shocked and even a little hurt–probably more wounded pride than crushed heart. I tend to take deliberate care with my health, weight and appearance and have always been trim and athletic. BUT…when I really thought about it–he had only confirmed what I knew to be true. I had been wanting to take off a few pounds this fall and even told him so–but hadn’t made any progress.

Armed with his (honest) observation, I decided there was no time for pouting or sulking, and that I needed to get to work. Since then I have lost 10 lbs., been working out almost daily and feel great. [He was going to do this with me but has yet to really dedicate himself to it]. I guess the moral of the story is that I know he loves me, is affectionate and in “being honest” did nothing more than confirm what I already knew to be true. Maybe it would be different if I had a “weight problem” or the relationship was not otherwise strong, but in my case his comments were the motivation I needed to finally make the very change I had wanted myself.

 

[jennifer67]

Hi,

Very long post - sorry!

I haven’t had time to read the entire thread, I just had a reaction right away…this has been a very hurtful subject for me and perhaps others will relate or you can understand how an unhealthy approach to a woman about weight even if well-meaning can damage her emotionally/make things harder…

I think it is generally ok and can even be positive, a sign of love and care, to express concern about someone’s “health, lifestyle” etc…(weight alone can be a bit touchy) when you are trusted by a woman and have a history of being respectful.

At 40 I can now let trusted men in my life discuss the issue with me despite a very bad history on the subject with my father…see below

My problem came when I gained a small amount of weight naturally during adolesence (having been athletic and very skinny up to then - my father even called me “bonesy”) - turned more curvy naturally like the women in my family and my father hounded the living heck out of me, shamed me for years as a teenager, eventually feeling free to call me fat and ugly,pig, etc… whenever any sort of conflict would come up during the teenager years…and laughed when I would end up sobbing.

He would stand behind me, stare pointedly at my body (this to a self-conscious young teenage girl) and say loudly “you’re getting broad”; he would also ask almost daily in a very demanding insulting way “WHEN are you going to lose some weight?” Often I would be trying in misguided, psychologically unhealthy ways to lose the so-called extra weight not really knowing how, but would become angry/exasperated at the daily demand to magically drop visible amounts of weight seemingly from one day to the next or to humiliate myself by what he seemed to want: a daily assertion of my effort to lose weight? I had my pride - I wasn’t going to talk every day to him about how “fat” I was and beg for his approval by doing whatever it was he was asking. Sometimes I would end up so exasperated I would start openly expressing anger and ask him things like “what do you want from me to show you I am going to lose weight - do I need to lose 20 pounds by tomorrow so you will stop? Do you want me to cut off an arm in front of you as an offering?” This resulted in ridicule and laughing and sometimes punishment for my supposedly being "out of control’ disrespectful etc…he refused to let my nurse mother work with me to teach me nutrition, consult with dietititans, obtain healthy eating plans…and demand I do it his way by “just cutting back.” Since I didn’t know why/how I had gained the 5 pounds (now know this was normal adolescent weight gain for that age) I didn’t know how to “just cut back.”

When I naturally developed a bosom, he ridiculed me, telling me I had a bosom like a cow, imitting me, indicating it was ugly…he taunted me about my body for years…making gestures as if Ihad a huge monstrous bosom when I am only normal

What was an original healthy 5-10 pound weight gain and natural change in my shape became an obsession with food/weight that I am still overcoming today. I had up to them eaten unselfconsciously and according to my appetite and was naturally of moderate weight, although developing naturally… I then started me self-conscious about every bite, lost a great deal of self-esteem, began obsessing over weight and my shape, feeling deep shame, and so could no longer naturally follow my appetite…started trying to “diet” - restricting all foods, and feeling that food was something bad I could never have/enjoy as a woman…eventually becoming obsessed with food it having become a forbidden thing and then the real weight issues began…

I eventually did start gaining weight due to alternate restricting/overeating when starving…an unhealthy unnatural cycle/approach to food…

My father and I foought bitterly about my weight all during my teenage years and i eventually got to the point I felt extremely ugly/deeply ashamed when in fact I was beautiful according to others, afraid of men, marriage etc…

Needless to say as an adult I can see my father was abusive and had apparent hatred of women which he directed at me. But the damage was done. I only started healing when I joined a weight loss support group for women where I was able to be loved back to respecting myself and my body.

Now I am able to be open about my weight issues and make efforts to reverse the bad habits developed years ago…

I just share all this to show how the wrong approach can permanently damage a girl/woman - I am sure you are not doing these things, but with the pressure/images provided by the media and in society about the wrongness of the average woman’s body etc…damage on a lesser level can still be done…

so I would say: stay away from repeat reminders, anything that feels like nagging, checking on her, watching, monitoring, and focus on positive reinforcement and asking how to support her, show concern and love and really listen to how she feels and do only what she asks or says will be truly helpful, not doing anything that feels like forcing your ideas on her

Thanks for listening

 

[23eagle23]

Thank you. Jman507 seems to be one of the only ones here that actually gets it.

To clarify, I love this woman, would never think of breaking up with her over something like this, and if she doesn’t change, I can definitely live with something as insignificant as this.

I meant this to be a message board about health, and how to encourage someone you love to be healthy. Say what you want about appearances, but being overweight is also not a healthy thing, especially for someone with PCOS. I think I brought up some very good points in posts #40 and #41, and I really wish people would read them before making judgments about me, my intentions or my character.

I’ve been told I don’t really love her, that she would be better off with a man who doesn’t think thin women are attractive, that I am immature for even THINKING about this, and that I must be a terrible person to live with and that I probably make her feel insecure about herself. I wish there was a way to close this thread for good, just so I wouldn’t have to listen to these insulting comments anymore.

Thank you to those of you who understand where I am coming from, and shame on you to those who judge without taking the time to even understand the circumstances.

-Kepha

lol lol

Son, I say that with respect, I beleive you learned a very valuable lesson on this thread. Never ask other women, about a women in your life, on a message board, or in life (even when its a catholic forum) about weight.

WOW (the hammer came down apond you)

All your points are valid, your should be able to talk about weight with your Girlfriend, but do it with love and in private. Just remember, she knows already. Talk about this subject once for every 500 times you tell her she is pretty and that you love her. (when you say you love her, dont say these words after “however you are” just that you love her. Trust me on that one.

My advice, you must build a trust between the two of you before you talk about such a subject. Offer to help, encourage, lead by example. But never demand.

Once your married, the best time to talk about the subject is after relations, holding her tight. Trust me on that on as well.

One last word of advice from an old married man,

Sometimes what you don’t say is heard more then what you say.

Confused? good your ready…

Pray to St. Joseph, and ask for his strength in being a good husband.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Just wanted to point out this thread ended several years ago, and somehow got revived today…Im thinking the OP probably decided what to do by now…

 

[23eagle23]

WOW, thanks…

Poor management of a web forum to allow a 2 year old thread to be commented on…

From now On i will check post dates…

 

[jennifer67]

Sorry, I am brand new at this and stumbled upon the thread in the middle of the night when I was unfortunately exhausted – about of insomnia. I did not think there would be 2 year old threads on here or know to check for that.

Sorry if I revived that. Also it was hard for me to see much earlier comments - they didn’t show up on my screen.

Just wanted to explain why this could be a sensitive subject for women, not suggesting our author was anything but respectful and well-intentioned.

Thought it might be helpful to describe how women feel when the subject gets destructive might be helpful for others to understand since there were references to all sort of conflicting, serious opinions on the prior thread which I could not see. Might help people understand the women in their lives who struggle with these issues.

I think my suggestions about focusing on asking the woman how a man could be helpful and supporting her in that way were practical and positive and not at all critical of our author.

Anyway, sorry if I revived a dead thread and was supposed to know that somehow and avoid it.

Peace and have a great day!

 

[KCtheMommy]

lol lol
My advice, you must build a trust between the two of you before you talk about such a subject. Offer to help, encourage, lead by example. But never demand.

Once your married, the best time to talk about the subject is after relations, holding her tight. Trust me on that on as well.

NO NO NO, never, ever, never, ever tell her she needs to lose weight right after having sex. Please don’t. You might never have sex again!

(I don’t get my fee fee’s hurt often, but Dh would be sleeping outside if he suggested I lose weight at that moment.)

 

[Alycin]

NO NO NO, never, ever, never, ever tell her she needs to lose weight right after having sex. Please don’t. You might never have sex again!

(I don’t get my fee fee’s hurt often, but Dh would be sleeping outside if he suggested I lose weight at that moment.)

I completely agree! When I read the part you bolded, I was thinking, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

If my hubby and I just made love and he was holding me and we were enjoying that moment and then he commented on my needing to lose weight, I would be absolutely crushed. I would feel like seeing me naked had not been a positive experience for him and that I was not good/pretty/thin enough.

 

[adrift]

Just wanted to point out this thread ended several years ago, and somehow got revived today…Im thinking the OP probably decided what to do by now…

As long as its not locked, it is still open for comment.

 

[jennifer67]

Since the other gals have spoken up, have to say I’d agree. Talking about weight when being intimate…not so sure about that…but of course the guys being sensitive would orient it as conern and care about her health, but women are smart and most would rightly or wrongly quickly wonder about the weight issue itself…

I further would venture out on a limb and say that advising a guy never to consult with women on things may or may not be good advice.

Frankly, it was almost a back-handed swipe at us gals, but I don’t want to incite any controversy on here! Peace be to you all, including the men!

Yes, man to man advice is great and maybe that’s what’s needed, but I think our author showed his good intentions when he asked for general feedback, including from women.

It may not always be comfortable to get it, but knowing how to do so and to listen even when uncomfortable would seem a good preparation for any relationship with a woman, including marriage.

The female point of view may be very different and more men could benefit from being open to understanding it…and of course vice versa…I certainly need to learn more about seeing things from the male point of view on things, too.

Well, that’s my two cents.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

I realize it’s still open for comment, I just wanted to be sure folks noticed how old it was so that they would know that the OP probably isn’t needing more advice on this…

Carry on…