How to ask a woman to lose weight

[Karianne]

this issue is just one of many you have to settle before marriage: what physcial, emotional, spiritual, psychological health means to you, what you are willing and able to do individually and as a family to insure the health of the parents and children, and how you will cooperate as a couple in providing this for your family.

I don’t think the guy is worried that she might look a little porky when viewed in slacks from the rear, he sounds like he is worried she already has a chronic health issue, which will only get worse, if she does not take care of herself.

Having been on both sides of the battle, I can only state my opinion that a spouse who abuses themself, either through poor eating habits, lack of commitment to whatever medical program is prescribed, lack of exercise, is just as guilty of damaging the relationship as a spouse who uses illegal drugs, drinks or otherwises engages in self-abuse.

A married couple is literally one flesh, and to abuse oneself is to abuse one’s spouse, and this is a sacrilege against the sacrament of marriage. In fact, some psychologists would say this person is engaging in passive aggression in so doing. I am aware this is a very strong opinion but through observation and experience, and extensive counselling dealing with related issues, I think it is pretty sound.

bottom line, resolve this before marriage, the underlying attitude not just the behavior or outward appearance, or it will come back to haunt you. also remember the little fable about the pot and the kettle-- FW is right about leading by example.

This post is well written and you put your comments out there in an interesting way.
I only disagree with the comment that married folks are LITERALLY one flesh,maybe they are spiritually one, but they are separate and distinct bodies.
As far abusing yourself thru over-eating, smoking, etc it’s not a good idea, but it’s not abusing the body of your mate.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Since this seems to be such a point of contention, even prior to getting married, it would be wise to evaluate your relationship further before the wedding day. Anything that you are having problems with now, will become moreso after the marriage. Is it something you can deal with? Your fiance’ may have a medical problem, but she does not seem willing to get treatment at this time. From your posts, it also sounds like she is, in general, not as interested in being “in shape” as you are. Honestly, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
As for why it is okay for a woman to tell a man to lose weight, but not the other way around…I don’t think that’s exactly true. It really depends on the people involved. If dh was over-eating and putting on a lot of weight, I would feel comfortable talking to him about it. Likewise, if he felt I was, then he would tell me. However, I know if he said something to me, it would be because he’s worried about my health, moreso or at least in addition to, being concerned about my physical attractiveness. If your fiance’ gets all bent out of shape because you mention her weight/health to her, then she’s being a little over-sensitive. After all, she knows that she should seek treatment, not overeat, and try to exercise to control her PCOS. If you are simply concerned about her appearance rather than or more than her health, she can probably sense that.
Again, I think you need to re-evaluate if this woman is for you. It would be far better to determine that now, for both you and her.

 

[jman507]

This post is well written and you put your comments out there in an interesting way.
I only disagree with the comment that married folks are LITERALLY one flesh,maybe they are spiritually one, but they are separate and distinct bodies.
As far abusing yourself thru over-eating, smoking, etc it’s not a good idea, but it’s not abusing the body of your mate.

She’s using literally, figuratively. Hehehe. But she explicitly said that abusing yourself through over-eating or a lack of following a medical program is abusing the marriage the same as anyone who abuses alcohol or drugs. Which I could tell you from having a failed organ, if I didn’t follow my medical program, I could put my family through a lot of grief.

But for the matter at hand, I would avoid the whole weight issue, and get to the underlaying problem. If she’s having esteem and self-worth issues, those are what really needs to be addressed. If she’s not following the medical program, well actually more about her attitude towards the whole thing, I think you need to sit down and have a long talk about that. Ask her what she’s depressed about. Then ask about what she feels towards the whole med. situation. If she’s not going to open, drop it but keep probing it later. Chances are a depressed person is going to deny they are depressed when you first ask, but more likely they probably want you to keep asking and probing, if not at that time, but to know that you really are concerned.

If you two are going to be married, she’s going to have to know that she can open up about this. If her attitude can be flipped from negative to positive, she’ll be on a spiral up and not down. Chances are her body will also respond too and the med. condition can get better.

From the sounds of it, your concern is not so much her physical apperance, but her attitude.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I have to disagree with this. I think the importance of looking and feeling good about oneself should not be underestimated. I am not talking about compulsivity here, but a normal desire to look attractive and be comfortable in your own skin. There is no way that any human being can be comfortable carrying around 50, 60, or 100 extra pounds. The human body was not designed for that much weight. And the mind and heart, despite our political correct society and the big and beautiful brigade propoaganda, can not be at peace when your own body feels like it doesn’t fit.

While I definitely agree on the health factor…again, I think it’s probably a discussion better suited between a woman and her doctor not a woman and her DH/DF because there are too many emotions and feelings involved. My grandmother is no longer so heavy…when her overall health took noticeable turns due to her weight (such as needing both hips replaced) she did what she needed to do to lose the weight. Had my grandfather harped on her about her weight at all during any of her issues, I just think it would have backfired and she, herself has alluded to me as much.

I’ve carried 60 extra pounds around (actually, I’ve carried up to 100 extra pounds when I was pregnant with dd#1) but a heart-to-heart, so to speak, with DH would not have been productive IMO.

As the OP said, he is disturbed by the fact that his fiancee doesn’t seem to care. Of course, we all know she probably does but has buried those feelings and used food to keep them buried. Perhaps a loving and compassionate discussion with the man who loves her might bring some clarity to the situation. I think we all know that when we are overweight, we like to believe that no one has “noticed”. After all, no one would ever dare say anything directly to an overweight person so that person can be pretty safe in their delusion that they don’t have a problem.

Unfortunately, the OP probably doesn’t really know if his fiancee “cares” or doesn’t…his impression of whether she cares about her situation is muddied by his own feelings about her physical appearance and overal manner regarding her weight. AS a former obese person, I can tell you that (at least I remember) that an overweight person doesn’t truly believe no one has noticed…and rarely do they believe the one or two people who would venture to offer that they look like they’ve lost weight either (if they haven’t). I just don’t think a truly loving conversation about such a thing can be STARTED by the man in this situation. It would come off poorly and probably cause more doubt in her about his love for her (and perhaps put that shred of doubt that he’s entering into a marriage he can truly commit to for the long haul) than be productive in getting her exercising and eating right. Just like smoking…the motivation to correct a weight problem has to come from within the overweight person.

 

[puzzleannie]

This post is well written and you put your comments out there in an interesting way.
I only disagree with the comment that married folks are LITERALLY one flesh,maybe they are spiritually one, but they are separate and distinct bodies.
As far abusing yourself thru over-eating, smoking, etc it’s not a good idea, but it’s not abusing the body of your mate.

I am of course making reference to Genesis and to Christ’s teaching based on that passage. yes, what I do to my body does hurt my spouse. Ask anybody who has been married 30 yrs. they will probably agree.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

The National Catholic Register has a column written by a married couple; they addressed a simlar issue recently and the columns are online for now. Here are the links:
Tread Lightly on Poundage Problem
Poundage Problem, Part 2

From Part 1:

Also, no matter how positively and gently you express your concern, **it is quite possible she will mentally boil it down to, “He thinks I am fat and unattractive.” **This makes her feel bad, it makes you feel bad, and nothing changes.

But, one might ask, couldn’t words of encouragement help motivate her to do something positive about her problem? Two responses to this: First, even encouraging words will be taken negatively, given the topic. And second, in a word, No.

   Why won’t words help? The truth is simple. Y**ou aren’t telling her anything she hasn’t thought of 10,000 times before. **Her appearance, her health, her ability to keep up with her marital and motherly duties — all those things are just as apparent to her as they are to you.

Anyone who wants to see a loved one lose weight should use caution when doing things such as “Hey let’s all go to the gym together!!!” Maybe if a person is stupid they won’t pick up on the hidden message (someone needs to lose weight). It’s not as subtle as one thinks.

I made a suggestion when a similar question was asked before, but I’m tweaking it a bit. I would suggest the OP take a good look at himself and figure out an area that needs improvement. Not physically, in this case perhaps, but in some other area. Consider what you bring to confession over and over. If this is hard for you to determine, well that could be part of the problem. In order for this to make sense whatever you decide on should be really difficult; embarrasing even (if people knew). Anyway, begin work on that and note your struggles, backsliding, etc. Offer your suffering and struggles up for her. In this way you can come along side of her.

The PCOS adds a different dimension, it’s one more thing piled on many others. Try tackling two faults at once. One may be a challange but most find two impossible. Either way offer it up and allow it to give you some insight.

 

[Darrel]

We all get old and saggy at some point. If we cling to the idea of physical standards we will eventually be let down. The best way to get a woman to loose weight is to accept her like she is and make her feel loved. Then she can decide for herself if she wants to loose weight and fit our cultures Barbie image.

-D

 

[TraderTif]

As an overweight woman struggling with many of the medical conditions mentioned in this thread, I would agree with many of the suggestions.

Make sure that the doctor talks to her about it.

And for you, I would say that you should do your best to live a “healthy” lifestyle yourself (eat right, exercise, etc.). I know that I’m more likely to do something if my loved ones are doing it, but NOT pressuring me to do it, you know? I get really, really annoyed when my loved ones keep pointing out to me all the health risks associated with being overweight, or start following me around commenting on everything I eat, or asking me every day if I exercised, etc. Trust me, anyone who is overweight KNOWS all that stuff. I am much happier joining my family in healthy meals, or going for walks together, etc.

And you don’t even have to mention weight loss in any of this. You can try new recipies together (maybe ones that use exotic ingredients) and they just happen to be healthier recipies. Go on walks together through interesting places, which is fun, and just happens to be exercise. You know?

And, if you can tactfully bring this up in a conversation, reassure her that your love for her does not depend AT ALL on her weight!

And as for your other question, I have no idea why some people think that it’s ok for women to ask men to lose weight. I had never heard this idea before, lol.
Tif =8-)

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Malia…His finacee is not overwight becuase she over eats (I am sure that this does not help the situation) .but because of a medical condition PCOS…

I am aware of the PCOS factor. My sister suffers from this condition and I have also read up on it alot because I suspected I had it too (I don’t).

---

The OP knows about the PCOS and it’s symptoms. He is concerned with

---

she doesn’t act like she cares about this. It seems like she is always eating the wrong things and making excuses not to go to the gym

Any medical or phsychological condition can be used as an excuse. I’m not saying the OP’s fiancee is doing this, but it is possible.

---

The OP wants to see some effort and concern from his fiancee about her health. I don’t think that is too much to ask…do you?

---

Malia

 

[rayne89]

When did it become ok for women to nag men about their weight?
I don’t think it’s okay to police each other in this way. If you are not married to this lady I think that it’s time to get away from her because it doesn’t sound like this is real true love.
She needs a husband, not a parent.
There are plenty of guys who like chubby girls, she will do just fine after she gets over her grieving period.

I really tend to agree. You can dress it up anyway you want. You say it for her health but I’m not buying it. Her current body is not up to your standards. That’s fine but you need to find someone who is. Someone that is into physically fitness and going to the gym. Someone who shares your values when it comes to physical apprearance. I have to tell you for a lot of women going to the gym isn’t even on the top 100 things they would like to do -ever. It’s just not their thing.

All your going to accomplish is hurting this woman by telling her you don’t think she’s making an “honest effort” to fit what you find attractive. Having kids and age in general is not going to make it easier, it’s only going to get harder. If you can’t accept that she doesn’t like working out and she’d rather have a cream puff then a salad you need to move on.
In the long run you both will be much happier.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I really tend to agree. You can dress it up anyway you want. You say it for her health but I’m not buying it. Her current body is not up to your standards. That’s fine but you need to find someone who is. Someone that is into physically fitness and going to the gym. Someone who shares your values when it comes to physical apprearance. I have to tell you for a lot of women going to the gym isn’t even on the top 100 things they would like to do -ever. It’s just not their thing.

All your going to accomplish is hurting this woman by telling her you don’t think she’s making an “honest effort” to fit what you find attractive. Having kids and age in general is not going to make it easier, it’s only going to get harder. If you can’t accept that she doesn’t like working out and she’d rather have a cream puff then a salad you need to move on.
In the long run you both will be much happier.

I totally agree. I have known many overweight women and I have not known any who were spurred to lose weight by being encouraged by another person (no matter how gentle the encouragement). Such comments are likely to breed insecurity, sadness, and resentment–not change. She already knows she is overweight and doesn’t need anybody to tell her. If she ever changes, it will be because she decided to do so, not because someone thinks she’s ugly the way she is.

If the OP doesn’t like how his fiance looks, he needs to consider whether or not she is the right woman for him.

As to why it is so offensive for women to be told to lose weight… well, I think what this comes down to is that women deeply desire to be treated with gentleness and tender care, loved for who they are inside. Men are generally more visual than women, as well, and that makes for a difficult balancing act. When a man asks a woman to lose weight, she knows (or at least fears) that the man’s first concern is her looks, even if he is also concerned about her health. When a woman asks a man to lose weight, he can feel somewhat confident that she is more concerned with his health or lifespan than with his lovehandles.

Women are constantly made to feel inferior by popular media. They want a safe refuge from this with the man they love. It may sound illogical, but the first step to helping someone lose weight is to love and cherish her and make her feel valued now as she is. If the OP’s need for a fit woman is so strong he can’t do this, or can’t cope with the possibility that she may never choose to lose weight, I think he should in fairness break off the relationship.

 

[Damascus]

Carol Marie’s comment has me rolling on the floor! Sorry.

 

[siamesecat]

I dont know what to say about your situation…I can see that there is definately a problem and why it would bother you that your wife is living an unhealthy lifestyle and not trying to change. From my own perspective, I’m 17, 5’ tall, and usually around 95 lbs, but sometimes closer to 100. Whenever I get past 95 lbs, my mom, a very weight conscious person even though she was previously somewhat heavier, notices right away and nags me about it. I’m not overweight, although I rarely exercise and my eating habits leave much to be desired. I truly am trying to work on it, but my willpower around food is weak lol…but when my mom nags and screams and makes me put food back, it makes me feel really bad about myself and self concious and I eat and sit around just to spite her. It just makes me feel very defensive.

 

[jman507]

Frankly I see losing weight is only part of the problem, but there is something under it more closer to the heart of the issue. There seems to be one huge disconnect between both of you. It seems to me you feel she’s insecure about something, but she won’t let you in on it.

Why do you think she trying to act as if she doesn’t care? How do you think she feels about herself? How do you feel about her med. condition? How do you think she feels about it? While am at it, why do you stay with the relationship? What would you ask her and tell her, if you could without any bad repercussion?

 

[carol_marie]

Carol Marie’s comment has me rolling on the floor! Sorry.

 

[unworthy]

why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

Actually it’s not acceptable; I think that sometimes we women don’t realize that men are sensitive as well and are sometimes insecure. They may hide behind their hurt, but I’m sure they’re pained.
Of course, I’m referring to the fact that if one “tells” someone to lose weight, that is unacceptable. If in fact, you really care about her health, then that is love and I suggest not telling her but like what most people have suggested, commit yourself to having a walk every two days, and then a run every two days, and then a walk every two days… Try to arrange a walk FAR AWAY from food stores and the like.
Find a sport that you both would enjoy doing, and go and play. Tennis is good, so is badminton; I personally love soccer, so I would suggest that.

Oh, and don’t expect to have a “physically attractive” wife, whatever that is. I’m sure you find her “physically attractive” the way she is right now. If your motive is for her to be healthy, I think you will be at peace with what you’re doing. If your motive is for her to achieve a certain “look”, then I’m afraid you may be dissapointed. Take care,
-unworthy

 

[Brenda_V]

Of course I’m not. I never bring up her weight, even in a fight, and I really don’t like being demonized for asking this question. Again, I go back to my original statement…why is it acceptable for a woman to ask a man to lose weight, but a cardinal sin for a man to ask a woman?

First of all I don’t think Malia was trying to demonize you . Just trying to make sure you aren’t one of the hundreds of guys like that - and believe you me they do exist, I have friends who have otherwise wonderful husbands but if they put on so much as five pounds (never mind they have born five children) then they (the husband) is all over the wife to lose that “extra weight”.

As for why is it okay for a woman to ask a man to lose weight and not vise-versa, well if you have read most studies on weight issues, most men don’t see that 15-50 extra pounds as a problem until their wife or significant other points out the health issues involved, it rarely is about how her man looks but on the flip side of that coin is that a woman whether she is just the right weight or needs to lose 100 lbs. sees herself as fat and needing to lose weight (now whether she actually does anything about it is another matter).

If there are severe health issues with your fiancee and her weight you can gently ask her what you can do to help her be healthier then follow her lead on that.

My husband and I both talk about needing to lose weight (we are both significantly overweight but that happened over 28 years of marriage). A big thing about it is though that neither one of us loves the other less because of this. We help each other however we can and continue to love the person we married, not the body of the person we married (now don’t think I am trying to demonize you here either!)

Malia is right in your needing to ask yourself if you love her for who she is and not for her body, if this is true and you are able to show this to her then asking her to lose weight for her health and for you so you can have her longer to love shouldn’t be an issue. (sorry gals in the “don’t ever ask” camp, if you are truly loved you can take this kind of question).

Brenda V.

 

[kaj3]

Frankly I see losing weight is only part of the problem, but there is something under it more closer to the heart of the issue. There seems to be one huge disconnect between both of you. It seems to me you feel she’s insecure about something, but she won’t let you in on it.

Why do you think she trying to act as if she doesn’t care? How do you think she feels about herself? How do you feel about her med. condition? How do you think she feels about it? While am at it, why do you stay with the relationship? What would you ask her and tell her, if you could without any bad repercussion?

Nailed it! I totally agree. Search out the underlying issues. I think the weight issue is just the surface issue. God Bless.

 

[hasikelee]

Dr. Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs” could be purchased to bring up the subject. In the book, he specifically talks about a need for physical attraction and gives lots of advice.

The book also includes 9 other needs. That way you can both work on talking about each other’s needs and thinking of new, exciting ways to fulfill each other in the relationship.

Adopting a healthy, positive lifestyle will have the most effect as opposed to talking about “weight loss” or “dieting.”

Goodness, just working on replacing all liquids with water will have a dramatic effect. Are you married? Offering to grocery shop and cook will make any wife happy and also provides time to choose healthier foods.

How about signing up for a fun class? I am taking a ballroom class with my fiancee starting January. It is supposed to be very intensive and we’ll have a ton of fun, too.

 

[Kepha15]

I really tend to agree. You can dress it up anyway you want. You say it for her health but I’m not buying it. Her current body is not up to your standards. That’s fine but you need to find someone who is. Someone that is into physically fitness and going to the gym. Someone who shares your values when it comes to physical apprearance. I have to tell you for a lot of women going to the gym isn’t even on the top 100 things they would like to do -ever. It’s just not their thing.

All your going to accomplish is hurting this woman by telling her you don’t think she’s making an “honest effort” to fit what you find attractive. Having kids and age in general is not going to make it easier, it’s only going to get harder. If you can’t accept that she doesn’t like working out and she’d rather have a cream puff then a salad you need to move on.
In the long run you both will be much happier.

You know what…forget it. I came to this board to ask an honest question, not to have the entire validity of my relationship questioned and to be treated like an insensitive jerk.

I won’t deny that men are visual creatures, and I also won’t deny that part of the reason I want her to lose the weight is because I think she would look terrific if she did, but I resent the fact that people make assumptions that I don’t love her based on this alone.

I think she is a beautiful, wonderful person, and I have no doubt in my mind that she is the person for me. I know that weight is a sensitive issue, especially for women, which is why I came to this board in the first place. If I was really as insensitive as some of the people here make me out to be, I would have just come out and said it to her and not cared how she took it.

And furthermore, who are you to tell me that I’m not really concerned about her health? That’s a really cold thing to say, and I resent it.

I know a lot of men who won’t say anything about their wives’ weight problems out of respect for their feelings, but that doesn’t change the fact that men are visual creatures. Whether a man will say it or not, the fact remains that we find certain physical features attractive. It’s not because we’re jerks, it’s just the way God designed us. And if women understood this, why isn’t it just as important for them to make an effort to stay in physical shape, if only out of love for their husbands, especially if he doesn’t say anything to her about it?

It would be like a man who isn’t affectionate toward his wife. The woman might not like the fact that he doesn’t ever hold her hand or stroke her hair, even though he might have nice, pleasant conversations with her everyday. If she brings up the fact that he isn’t affectionate, he might be offended because he thinks he is doing his best and that she doesn’t love him for who he is, when this isn’t the case at all.

Men and women both need different things from each other, and when one or the other is lacking, it does put a strain on the relationship. In my opinion, physical appearance is just as valid a relationship problem as anything else, and having honest, loving conversations about it should not be strictly “off limits”. Marriage is supposed to be about working problems out, not hiding them.