How to assert myself in deep family conflict. Please help

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krbto39

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Hi everyone,

My mom and sister are at odds. I come from a family that has always been very “close” in that we all loved each other very much but my mom and sister butt head so often. My mom came down very hard on my sister growing up- sometimes warranted and sometimes not. She is very emotionally aggressive and her parenting style was very closed-minded and controlling. Once sister got married, she eventually began to be very fed up with my mom and wanted to distance herself. Very recently, she blocked both of my parents out of her life and they have no means of contacting her. They are deeply heartbroken about that to begin with, but they just found out that my sister has been going to my mothers oldest sister. She went to my aunt because she didn’t have anyone else to turn to, because it is impossible to express feelings to my parents without an explosion. My aunt then told my mom and defended my sister to her. Now my parents feel stabbed in the back and like the family has been turned against them.

I love my sister and my parents do not know, but we do still communicate. My sister has told me how badly our mother has hurt her and is making decisions to protect herself and her family but she wants to make sure I never get in the middle. She hasn’t said a bad word about her to me or expected me to cut ties with them too. She respects that I love my parents AND her, and that I am an innocent bystander.

I’m in a very painful place in the middle of everything where I was not involved in any of the various conflicts that have led to this moment, and yet I want to be loyal to both parties. My parents have expressed how it would shatter them if my sister only were to communicate with me. They are looking for me to erase my sister from my life. The truth is, they have both done wrong. If I were to communicate that to my mother, who doesn’t yet see her role in it despite her siblings and mother highlighting her contribution, that could be either the beginning of a very difficult relationship, or her ending it all together.

I have an absolute angel of a fiancee who I love more than life itself. He and I are planning to marry in May of 2019. My sister and I have always promised eachother that we’d be eachothers maid of honor. I was hers at her wedding. The thing that really throws a wrench in everything is that even though my sister was looking out for herself and (I think) didnt have malicious intent in going to my aunts and uncles, her actions have put me in a very awkward position. The wedding will be inherently awkward IF this drama continues. But, I dont know how she will be able to be in the same room as my mother, and vice versa. Also, my parents have said that after everything she has done and all of the shocking behaviour and talking to my aunt, that it would be extremely painful to them if I had her as my maid of honor. I am dreading my wedding day now and how my mother will try to control it from her place of pain.

I want to know, what would you guys do if you were me? Do I choose a side? Do I speak what I know to be true regardless of risk? Lost, confused, and wanting to do right. By all.

Thanks.
 
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  1. You do not have to have your sister as your MoH if you do not want to do so.
  2. Your parents have no say as to whom you choose for your wedding attendants. Do not let them control your choices.
  3. What you get to do is not get in the middle of your family’s conflict, but to choose relationships with your family members on your own terms and in a way that is good for you and your future husband. You don’t need to discuss anyone’s sins. If you choose to include your sister, you tell your parents calmly and refuse to discuss your reasons. If your mother cries and says you’re hurting her, you express sorrow and hope she’ll be able to support you on your wedding day.
  4. If you actually think there will be public screaming matches at the wedding, have a plan to deal with it. Adults are expected to behave civilly. If there are pointed silences and avoidance, that’s not your problem.
TL;DR: Tell your family your wishes for your wedding in a calm, adult way, and if anyone starts screaming end the conversation. Do not let your family’s conflict hold you hostage.
 
krbto39 said:
I want to know, what would you guys do if you were me?
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I would tell both sister and mother “here is how my wedding day will go. Sister will be maid of honor. Mother will hold her tongue. Sister will hold her tongue. Everyone will get over themselves and do this for me. If you can’t, then you are not welcome at my wedding. Your behavior is your choice.”

Basically, “I know you two are fighting and I’m not having any of it. I will not be put in the middle of your mess. I love you both. Deal with it.”
 
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Your relationship with your sister is NONE of your parents’ business. I agree with the PPs about making your own decisions. If your parents express hurt that you’ve chosen your sister as your MOH, then you say, “Mom and Dad, I understand that you are not happy with sister right now. But this is MY wedding, it’s not about you. If you are able to keep your mouths shut, you will be welcome to come. [Same goes for sister.] But if you can’t keep your mouths shut, then please stay home.”

By the same token, your parents’ relationship with your sister is none of your business, either. Please do not get involved. If your parents start to say something negative about your sister, you can simply say, “I don’t want to discuss it. Change of subject?” (Sometimes this is called “bean dipping”.)
 
This is all what is rational and reasonable, but I just know my mother will lose it if I, over Christmas when my sister fled half way across the country without a trace, begin to say that I love her and want a relationship with her. I know that I should even have to say it or declare that I love my sister like its some kind of crime, but given how hurt my parents are, I worry about getting cast out. My mom loves the word “betrayal”, and has said things like if my faith were really guiding me in my choices, I would be loyal to my parents. And loyalty to them means not engaging with her. I understand how it might feel weird to them in a way even though the demand is completely unfair.

I know my mother is in a very tender state and when I try to say I don’t want to be in the middle, I am accused of being cold, unconsoling, and insensitive. So instead I try to give egalitarian answers about my “confusion” about the whole situation and even that is unreasonable to her. She said she wants me to be enraged. I am so lost! 😦 Would you agree its best to wait until after the holidays?
 
Your mother should not be framing this in terms of loyalty to parents vs. to sister unless your sister’s done something really heinous (child molestation, armed robbery kind of heinous). And let me tell you something: If you do not develop and maintain proper boundaries with her, you will always be manipulated by her and unable to live life on your own terms.

Frankly, if she’s going to actually estrange you for communicating with your sister, the sooner you accept this the better. I promise that it will not help your family dynamic in any way to give into her demands out of fear. You may perceive this as trying to be tender to her feelings, but ultimately it is unhelpful to her to continue to play into her scenario. Imagine your mother pulling this garbage when you are married with children; how much worse it will be then!

Finally, “cold, unconsoling, insensitive”? You’re your mother’s daughter, not her therapist. It isn’t your job to console. It is your job to honor and love her, but this does not mean conceding to her every demand. I realize this may be difficult to see because you are on the inside of this mess, and that no decision will be easy. We, after all, do not have to live with the fallout of quarrels and estrangement! But that said, I honestly do think that firm, courteous, neutrally-delivered boundary setting is the right move and will serve everyone best.
 
Your mother has a mental problem.

You just need to know that normal people do not act this way.

Your parents’ happiness is not your responsibility or job. You are going to have to get over needing to peacemake and being concerned about making other people angry.
 
Sorry Mom, I don’t play those games. I will have a relationship with whomever I please. You don’t like it, too bad.
 
Who is paying for the wedding? If you pay for it yourself, then you can simply say “I love you both, you have a year and a half to work it out.”
 
You know, if I weren’t an only child, I’d ask if we were related.
 
Tell your parents to grow up and start acting like adults, not emotional children.
 
You have received some wise opinions.
The only thing I can add, is that I’ll be praying for all involved and affected.
 
Going might be more accurate. Mom’s decided Dad’s being awful to her. I don’t particularly agree, from having watched them. But she’s very much acting like if I don’t support her side of things I’m rejecting her as a person.
 
I’d say, “I’m sorry, Mom, but I can’t be the police between you and Sarah. I’m not going to cut her off for not talking to you. You haven’t talked to me the way I’ve seen you talk to her, and I’m not going to be the judge of the way you two run your relationship. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to hear the two of you fight, after all. You can figure out how to deal with the results of all those fights you had.”

Also, don’t allow your parents to emotionally blackmail you. Tell them that you are not going to cut off your own sister who has not wronged you. Then take the consequences of sticking up for your own principles. Decide for your sister’s sake–you sister who has not tried to manipulate you!–that if your mom decides to cut you off, your response will be, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Mom. That is unfortunate.” Then act like an adult and let her do it.

Your mother is not in a “very tender state.” Your mother is experiencing the natural consequences of her choice to continue to be abusive towards your sister. She is not going to turn away from that choice, a choice that both damages your sister and your mother’s eternal soul, if you enable her to continue in bad behavior by going along with the pretense that she hasn’t earned the place she has descended to in your sister’s life.

Stay out of it, refuse to talk about the topic, and if your mother cuts you off for doing the right thing, well, it is better to suffer for doing the right thing than for doing the wrong thing. In the eternal picture, only one route guarantees that freedom will eventually come. Go that way.
 
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krbto39 said:
…if my faith were really guiding me in my choices, I would be loyal to my parents…
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She is looking for your Achille’s heel. Don’t bite. God did not make you the arbiter between your mother and your sister. You know it, and your mother knows it, too.
 
I just know my mother will lose it if I, over Christmas when my sister fled half way across the country without a trace, begin to say that I love her and want a relationship with her…

I know my mother is in a very tender state and when I try to say I don’t want to be in the middle, I am accused of being cold, unconsoling, and insensitive…

She said she wants me to be enraged. I am so lost!
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Your mother is either mentally ill, or satanically evil. You understand that, don’t you? Have you tried to get her medical help?

Do you live with her? If so, why?

Why would you even consider mentioning your sister to her, when you know how crazy/evil she is? You need to stop feeding the crazy by cooperating with it.
 
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I don’t live with my parents anymore, but every time we speak we talk about this. I don’t mention her myself. I can’t talk to her without her saying how horrible life is and its all because of my sister. I think on a deeper level she knows she is to blame for some of it, I just feel like I will need to let her know that I talk to my sister eventually because I feel like I am lying to her face when they ask “has she contacted you?” and all I say is no. So they think I’ve been cast out too. I don’t want to bring it up because I will be given some kind of ultimatum. I want to bring it up eventually or else sister being my maid of honor or coming to my graduation from my masters degree this year will escalate into a crisis.:\
 
I’m not sure she does know it. My parents say if she contacts me I have to ask her why she’s done the things she’s done.
 
They want to make a contribution to it. It won’t be huge because they won’t be able to afford it, so fiancée’s family will be paying for a large portion, as well as myself and fiancée. So the fact they’re contributing adds fuel to the BS.
 
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