How to be free of the past?

[louisak]

For me, I can’t forgive myself for chasing such frivolous pursuits and wasting all those years.

Exactly how I feel. The most painful part is that I actually converted a long time ago - but I realize now that my conversion was mostly in my head, only partly in my heart. Deep down I was trying, all those years, to find happiness through material things. I had a large library of music CDs, books, DVDs etc. None of those things are bad in themselves, but I had too much attachment to them.

I think there were extenuating circumstances for me. Parents divorced when I was young, my dad was emotionally absent. Without really being aware of it, I think I assimilated the idea that I couldn’t depend on other people - if I were to be happy I would have to find happiness on my own, I couldn’t trust others. So all the years that I attended Mass on Sundays, prayed the rosary, other devotions etc. - at the same time I was emotionally dependent on my material possessions and hobbies. In my heart I didn’t really trust in God - even though intellectually, I believed all the teachings of the Church.

In my late 30’s I finally got married - went about it in the worst possible way (well maybe not the very worst, but pretty bad). Our marriage has had many problems, not least the fact that she is only a lukewarm cradle Catholic. But we have three wonderful kids, and the love of my children has given me an emotional wholeness that I never had before. When I am spending time with the kids, I have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life that I never remember having before. I believe that emotional wholeness has made it possible to live my Catholic faith more deeply. I have slowly been able to let go of my clutching of my many hobbies and possessions - becoming much happier in the process.

So, sometimes I still want to kick myself for not having taken the Catholic faith more seriously when I was younger. But, when I am in a more reflective mood, I think that (like you, jimcav) I wasn’t ready back then. When people spoke to me about penance, self-denial etc. back then it just made me angry. I felt like I was already so miserable and people were asking me to give up the things that made life bearable.

I can see matters so differently now. I just went to Subway for lunch, I got my favorite sandwich but I chose the unsweetened tea, even though I don’t like it. Giving up sweeteners is one of my little acts of self-denial. I know that I can’t perform heroic acts of charity and mortification like the saints, so if I am going to attain holiness, it will have to be through many small acts of self-denial like choosing the unsweetened drink. It is a very small thing, but I know that God sees value in it because of His great love for me. Glory be to Him!

Thanks again to all who have written on this thread. It gives me comfort to know other have the same struggle.

 

[jimcav]

Exactly how I feel. The most painful part is that I actually converted a long time ago - but I realize now that my conversion was mostly in my head, only partly in my heart. Deep down I was trying, all those years, to find happiness through material things. I had a large library of music CDs, books, DVDs etc. None of those things are bad in themselves, but I had too much attachment to them.

I think there were extenuating circumstances for me. Parents divorced when I was young, my dad was emotionally absent. Without really being aware of it, I think I assimilated the idea that I couldn’t depend on other people - if I were to be happy I would have to find happiness on my own, I couldn’t trust others. So all the years that I attended Mass on Sundays, prayed the rosary, other devotions etc. - at the same time I was emotionally dependent on my material possessions and hobbies. In my heart I didn’t really trust in God - even though intellectually, I believed all the teachings of the Church.

In my late 30’s I finally got married - went about it in the worst possible way (well maybe not the very worst, but pretty bad). Our marriage has had many problems, not least the fact that she is only a lukewarm cradle Catholic. But we have three wonderful kids, and the love of my children has given me an emotional wholeness that I never had before. When I am spending time with the kids, I have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life that I never remember having before. I believe that emotional wholeness has made it possible to live my Catholic faith more deeply. I have slowly been able to let go of my clutching of my many hobbies and possessions - becoming much happier in the process.

So, sometimes I still want to kick myself for not having taken the Catholic faith more seriously when I was younger. But, when I am in a more reflective mood, I think that (like you, jimcav) I wasn’t ready back then. When people spoke to me about penance, self-denial etc. back then it just made me angry. I felt like I was already so miserable and people were asking me to give up the things that made life bearable.

I can see matters so differently now. I just went to Subway for lunch, I got my favorite sandwich but I chose the unsweetened tea, even though I don’t like it. Giving up sweeteners is one of my little acts of self-denial. I know that I can’t perform heroic acts of charity and mortification like the saints, so if I am going to attain holiness, it will have to be through many small acts of self-denial like choosing the unsweetened drink. It is a very small thing, but I know that God sees value in it because of His great love for me. Glory be to Him!

Thanks again to all who have written on this thread. It gives me comfort to know other have the same struggle.

Yes, there is comfort in knowing that others are dealing with this problem.

But the most important thing to remember IMHO is - you’ve made it! You’ve found your way to God! He showed you the path - yes, filled with a lot of curves and potholes, but you took it and persevered until it smoothed out and became a bright road full of light.Think of how many of your friends, family and co-workers never take that path, they never find what you have and continue to live in darkness? They will never see the light. They will never open the gift of faith that He so freely gave us all. That is far worse than any of the regret and guilt you and I are feeling!

And you know, as frivolous as our past lives were, they did shape us and mold us to become the men we are today. While we may not see the connection now, I believe we will when we become perfected on our way to meet our Lord. God wastes nothing.

God Bless!