How to be holy with someone who is critical and mean

[Harmony]

So I help care for my mother, and she is soooooo critical. And sometimes even mean. My father is disabled and she gets mad at him when he is too slow, that’s how bad she is.

Anyway, what I really want to know is, like, I feel like there is all kinds of advice about this kind of situation. Like some people say leave and don’t look back, right?

But then you read about saints and how they stick with people like that. Like one saint was told by God (and maybe this is a legend) that if she didn’t stick with the mean person, she wouldn’t get to Heaven.

Not saying my mom is that bad or anything, but she is really difficult and I sometimes feel impatient or annoyed with her and sometimes we get into arguments so like she starts criticizing something and I try to get her to stop and I end up not exactly yelling, or just walking away. TBH her criticalness can just wear you down.

So my question is what exactly did those saints do? It mostly happens when she attacks someone in the family so it’s not because I am taking it personally.

Adding: also, she has always been this way, it’s not a new thing because she’s old. I just want to know how to handle it better like a saint would.

 

[Legend]

I can’t imagine our God requiring anyone to remain with a person who is abusive. After all, we were created in His image! He made you for better things!

As to what you should do now, many factors are involved, such as your age, marital status, and the extent of the abuse. Physical abuse should never be tolerated! When one learns the signs of mental/emotional abuse, it can be just as bad, but you can learn what to expect, how it gets triggered, and sometimes, how to control it…avoiding triggers, knowing when to be out of the house…

You really should speak to a priest, and possibly, a counselor. Take care, and God Bless!!!

 

[PatienceAndHumility]

Sounds like a hard cross to bear dear Brother/Sister in Christ. Remember, Our Lord only ever gives us crosses he thinks we can bear but we must offer up the suffering to Him (according to our capacity). I can certainly sympathise with how hard it must be to put up with this suffering. In my experience, such suffering is always an invitation for increased prayer life

On a spiritual level, you must seek advice from your priest. If possible enlist the emotional and practical support of family members too. But most importantly, know that Christ is suffering with you. And none of your suffering is ever wasted. Just make sure you offer it up! If this is part of your vocation, Christ will help you through it.

 

[dollysro]

Hi Harmony, are you my sibling because this was me taking care of my mom!
I found that often, when people age they become more like their true selves: if they were happy, they become happier. If they were not, well, you get it…
I don’t know what the saints did but I got frustrated…a LOT. People said I should get help…but when the caree is difficult, no one really wants to.
But I can tell you that looking back at my experience, and that of my husband who took care of his very critical and difficult mom, neither of us would have done anything different. We reflect on it as a time of penance and PRIVILEGE to do for someone what they cannot do for themselves.
Praying for you!

 

[Irishmom2]

she has always been this way, it’s not a new thing because she’s old.

Have you ever had a discussion with her about her behavior? I know it doesn’t always change someone immediately, but it plants the seed in their head for change. Some people may always be a certain way, but I don’t think we need to act like they don’t have a problem. I think they should be kindly called out on their behavior.

 

[1ke]

and maybe this is a legend

I am not sure where you got this story, but it certainly doesn’t seem likely.

And, even if it were true, whatever particular message a saint received was for that saint, not anyone else.

I just want to know how to handle it better like a saint would.

I think you should reach out to your county social services to see what sort of elder care they have to help you with your dad and mom. Respite care is important for you as a caregiver— getting away to have time on your own, rest, and recuperate. Also a caregiver support group would be something to look into.

It’s lovely that you are caring for them, but you have to take care of yourself in order to care for others.

It’s also OK to set boundaries and to stick to them if she’s being mean. If she is being mean or critical, just say, “seems like now is not a good time, I’ll be back in an hour” and then stop what you are doing and leave.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I can’t imagine our God requiring anyone to remain with a person who is abusive.

Critical and grumpy and even sometimes mean (in someone else’s opinion) is not necessarily the same thing as abusive. Hard to get along with does not always equal abusive.

The mother also is in a position of needing “care”. Presumably that means she is disabled to some degree. Yes, maybe she always had a bad personality, but in my experience, being old and/or ill often magnifies it.

Also, if the mom is old and in a state of some dependency, then her kids generally will need to care for her or make sure she has care, unless her abuse somehow reached the point of putting them in physical danger. If she is really a pain to deal with, they might trade off responsibilities, or get a professional caregiver if possible in order to take a break, etc.

I think you should reach out to your county social services to see what sort of elder care they have to help you with your dad and mom. Respite care is important for you as a caregiver— getting away to have time on your own, rest, and recuperate. Also a caregiver support group would be something to look into.

It’s lovely that you are caring for them, but you have to take care of yourself in order to care for others.

It’s also OK to set boundaries and to stick to them if she’s being mean. If she is being mean or critical, just say, “seems like now is not a good time, I’ll be back in an hour” and then stop what you are doing and leave.

I agree with all of this.
While it’s nice when kids are able to care for their elderly parents, there is also an emotional dimension to it that can be very wearing. I have been in that situation myself and respite care, or getting a professional caregiver to handle part of the tasks all the time so that you can also deal with your own life and responsibilities, is really helpful.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Caring for our parents as they age, as we see them change, is difficult. Try to join an online or local “caregivers support group”.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

There’s a lot of middle ground between “abandon Mom forever” and “take anything she dishes out”.

 

[Norseman82]

The only thing I will add that has I have not seen discussed is that bullies do not respond to kindness, they respond to being stood up to.

 

[Harmony]

@Legend

Thanks both of you for reminding me to treat it like a regular cross. Sometimes think something is like a problem for me to solve instead.

Our priests are all real busy so they can be hard to talk to.

 

[Harmony]

I found that often, when people age they become more like their true selves

Oh, no, I don’t like to think that I will become more unorganized!

But, yeah, I think you are right in a lot of cases. Unless they work really hard to change. Not that I can wait around for my mother to change.

neither of us would have done anything different. We reflect on it as a time of penance and PRIVILEGE to do for someone what they cannot do for themselves

This is good to hear, thank you! And for your prayers too!

 

[Harmony]

Have you ever had a discussion with her about her behavior?

I have, and other people have. She kind of doesn’t really get it. And it’s a real bummer actually because the way she acts, people just like avoid her. Thanks!

It’s also OK to set boundaries and to stick to them if she’s being mean. If she is being mean or critical, just say, “seems like now is not a good time, I’ll be back in an hour” and then stop what you are doing and leave

This is a good idea. I am not good at that because when I did it when I was young she didn’t let me do that.

And I am going to see of I can find someone to help my dad with his disability.

In a way it’s kind of hard to think about getting help because then it’s like saying that they will die soon and that is really hard.

 

[Harmony]

Critical and grumpy and even sometimes mean (in someone else’s opinion) is not necessarily the same thing as abusive. Hard to get along with does not always equal abusive.

The mother also is in a position of needing “care”. Presumably that means she is disabled to some degree. Yes, maybe she always had a bad personality, but in my experience, being old and/or ill often magnifies it.

Thanks, yeah, some of us think she might have some kind of mental illness. I tried that but it wasn’t really good for me? But she had a hard time growing up with her family and all, and so thinking like that is better for me. More straightforward.

 

[Harmony]

Caring for our parents as they age, as we see them change, is difficult. Try to join an online or local “caregivers support group

Oh, wow, I wonder if there is a Catholic one! Thanks!

 

[Harmony]

There’s a lot of middle ground between “abandon Mom forever” and “take anything she dishes out”.

The only thing I will add that has I have not seen discussed is that bullies do not respond to kindness, they respond to being stood up to.

This kind of gets to my exact problem. Like standing up to anything is a problem because it seems like it is bad. Well, I used to have a real bad temper, so I have a hard time kind of figuring out what to do instead of either getting mad or being a doormat. Because I feel like getting mad, which I don’t think I am getting super mad, just saying stop doing what you’re doing! This is a bad thing to do and makes people feel bad and doesn’t make them change like you want them to! But kind of loudly and strongly and sometimes I interrupt her.

But I feel like just taking it… well, I was in a bad marriage where I did that because it seemed like the Christian thing to do, and that was a problem. So I am just confused about this stuff.

Thank you!

 

[MNathaniel]

For whatever it’s worth, my own mom can be quite abrupt and critical. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I think part of her, shall we say, ‘personality quirks’? may stem from the fact that her father left her mother (my grandma) when my mom was young; my mom’s sisters also seem to have certain attitude and relationship issues, that my aunts on my dad’s side of the family (where there was no divorce) don’t seem to have.

Any chance your Mom comes from a broken home too? Or maybe feels resentments or has developed reactive adaptations based on another long term relationship? My extended family reckons some of my mom’s adapted behaviours are rooted from patterns involving my dad, for example. (I love them both dearly and this isn’t about blaming them. Just, observational.)

Anyway, whatever the cause, I’m far from the perfect daughter. But there have been times when we’ve managed to break through whatever the ice is, and I’ve seen my mom’s more vulnerable (and less snappy) side… and those are times when I realized that what she needs is to be listened to. She needs to feel heard. And then she can relax, and stop trying to force others to hear her. She needs me to realize that she’s not just my mom but a human being with needs, and that over a lifetime of not necessarily having those needs met in healthy ways, she’s adapted in sometimes unhealthy ways. And she needs my patience, and calm, and non-reactive, respectful, thoughtful listening. And to know that she’s loved even in the middle of being abrasive.

And again, when I provide that… it’s (sometimes) like a miracle. It’s like the tension leaves her body, and she runs out of steam (or loses the feeling that she ‘needs’ to be harsh or critical in this moment). The muscles in her face relax. She smiles. She lowers her voice. Everything slows down.

Again, I can’t speak to any situation but my own. Maybe your mom has different needs. But that’d be my suggestion: try to prayerfully consider, what may be driving your mom’s abrasive behaviour? Is it rooted in defensiveness? Bitterness (and if so, about what)? Is she reproducing behaviours that were done to her and she feels like it’s “her turn”? Does she have a history of getting negative reactions when she speaks, that resulted in her defiantly ‘doubling down’ over time and saying things even more likely to get negative responses?

Depending on what your mom is suffering from, the way to help meet her needs may be different. But to the extent that you feel God is enabling you to help (especially by trying something new, if God reinforces you in this in prayer), please do consider asking God to help you figure out what her needs are, and how to help provide her what she needs. At the same time, I also think it’s true that you’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on first, because if you lose consciousness you can’t help anyone else. It’s not for me to tell you what you’re called to do, but if you really need to walk away at times (to avoid putting your foot in it and reacting badly in the moment), walk away. I still do, regularly.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I have been in a group for years on facebook, some people are Catholic, some are from every other religious philosophy you can imagine. We are not there to talk religion.

 

[1ke]

I am not good at that because when I did it when I was young she didn’t let me do that.

You aren’t a child anymore. You are in charge of you. So if she’s being offensive say so, and get up and leave. Put your mom in time out by virtue of you removing yourself from the situation. When she can behave herself then go back

 

[Harmony]

Any chance your Mom comes from a broken home too?

Wow, she does! And it was when divorce was rare, like with your mother too.

I thought a lot about your post. At first I thought, my mother never shows a vulnerable side, but then I thought… like, I could ask her. Like if she mentions something about when she was young, I could say something like it must have been really hard for her, even tho that is not where she is going with that.

I feel like other people have given me great gifts but I didn’t think I might be at least trying to pass that on to my mother.

Thank you very much!