How to change myself? And make people respect me....so to speak?

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anon98328916

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I am current in an office job through a scheme I applied for which lasts for 9 months, my time is up in the second week in November. The problem is I seem to be fearful of what to say and hold back on giving my opinion on what I want to say in conversations. When I started the job I was quiet and I do lack confidence but the problem is I don’t seem to know how to standup for myself and depand respect (so to speak) from my co workers. I feel I can be taken advantage of by being asked to work over my time (which I’m not being paid for) and expected not to take it back! I don’t know how to get them to respect me? One of my co workers would never speak to the others I work with the way I am spoken to! It does really annoy me! I have OCD/anxiety which I got help for last year and was on antidepressants for a time, I’m a lot better now thanks to the guidance from God. I feel OCD plays a part in the whole confidence and stand up for myself in the work place. I always have a fear my co workers will fallout with me if I were to stand up for myself but I want people to respect me, I don’t know what to do or how to overcome this? It making me abit depressed. Please help?
 
Do you have a counselor you see regularly? I used to do “roleplays” where I could practice setting boundaries and sticking up for myself since I used to be phenomenally bad at it. We also worked on my general anxiety (especially in high-pressure social situations, which I imagine could include work), but I found actually prepping for the conversations really critical.

At the same time, since you are leaving in November, you may have to decide what’s worth fighting over and what’s not.
 
What will you be doing next, when your current contract runs out in November? Do you know? I think your future outlook has a bearing on your present predicament.
 
God made us sensitive folks for a reason - for us, and mysteriouly for those around us. Boundary setting takes years. I have prayed for you & your family members.

Hold your head up high for doing a good job.
 
Is there an HR team that you can take your concerns to?

Is this position likely to flow into another contract or fulltime role? If not, why would you even consider doing regular updaid overtime? Are others doing this or are you being taken advantage of?
 
You cannot make other people respect you, but you can make boundaries and enforce them, whether other people like that or not. This is a skill that is gradually learned. People used to treating you as if you had no boundaries can be expected to have a reaction. Some will push back, some will be puzzled, some will be angry, and some will openly or secretly say, “You Go, Girl!”

Their reactions are their issue. Talk to the therapist you have to help you deal with your OCD about what strategies you might use to identify your own boundaries and then enforce them politely and yet definitively. Expect the process to take some time, and remember that few of us get this right all of the time. If you expect to have some ups and downs and have a plan for coping with those, too, that might help you with your anxiety. Most of us feel anxious when faced with possibilities we haven’t considered how we want to cope with. Again, though, this is something your therapist or counsellor could help you with.
 
I have difficulty with standing up for myself as well. One idea would be to read about assertiveness and maybe even role play with a counselor on alternative ways to respond.
Also, I think lack of self confidence generally comes from somewhere. It can even come from childhood, but I believe it is possible to overcome these difficulties.
 
It seems to me that you are more concerned with how your co-workers will react to you than anything else, so you twist your self in order to please them. You agree to stay late to please them; you do not set boundaries to please them, etc.

You need to reset your priorities. First, you want to please God above all. Second, you want to take care of yourself and fulfill your obligations.

So a co-worker asks you to stay late and do X. Just say you’re afraid you can’t do that that night. “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that tonight.”

If someone speaks to you rudely, sort of jerk your head up and back and say, Excuuuse me? or do something like that.

At first, this sort if thing will be waaaay outside your comfort zone! Ask your counselor or a friend to help you practice and to help think of other things to do.
 
Yes. And in addition, don’t beat yourself up if you can only do this one time out of two. Just because you missed a chance, take the next one. There is hope. Just said another Our Father for you.
 
BartholomewB said:
What will you be doing next, when your current contract runs out in November? Do you know? I think your future outlook has a bearing on your present predicament.
Click to expand...
I honestly don’t have anything lined up, I will be looking for a job but I’m afraid the same thing will happen again! I just want people to respect me and listen when I speak…that is another problem at work, when we all are having a conversation I am overshadowed and not listened to or talked over which I am quite upset by…I really don’t want things to be like that in the future?
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
God made us sensitive folks for a reason - for us, and mysteriouly for those around us. Boundary setting takes years. I have prayed for you & your family members.

Hold your head up high for doing a good job.
Click to expand...
Thank you, your very kind.
 
underacloud said:
Is there an HR team that you can take your concerns to?

Is this position likely to flow into another contract or fulltime role? If not, why would you even consider doing regular updaid overtime? Are others doing this or are you being taken advantage of?
Click to expand...
No they are kind of running the company…no I was told I won’t get kept on past my time. I started doing overtime say 15 minutes over and then it worked up to 30 minutes and so on…on colleague (name removed by moderator)articular gives me work to do 10 minutes before I finish and its work that would take 20 or more minutes to do in the full knowledge when I finish. My other work colleagues finish when their time is up and if they do work overtime they take their hours back. When I try to take my hours back I always seem to have to stay on because they want work finished that day! I’ve had enough…
 
EasterJoy said:
You cannot make other people respect you, but you can make boundaries and enforce them, whether other people like that or not. This is a skill that is gradually learned. People used to treating you as if you had no boundaries can be expected to have a reaction. Some will push back, some will be puzzled, some will be angry, and some will openly or secretly say, “You Go, Girl!”

Their reactions are their issue. Talk to the therapist you have to help you deal with your OCD about what strategies you might use to identify your own boundaries and then enforce them politely and yet definitively. Expect the process to take some time, and remember that few of us get this right all of the time. If you expect to have some ups and downs and have a plan for coping with those, too, that might help you with your anxiety. Most of us feel anxious when faced with possibilities we haven’t considered how we want to cope with. Again, though, this is something your therapist or counsellor could help you with.
Click to expand...
Thank you I will try to keep all this in mind…I know I have to overcome this for myself.
 
Well, there is only one thing to do.

Finish when your time is up.

If a colleague gives you work that you know you can’t finish in time, tell them directly that you will not be able to finish it and will complete it tomorrow morning.

If you get pressured into staying back (and sometimes these things need to happen) then make it clear that you will make up the time. The best way to do this will be to do it immediately, as in come in late the next morning. If you work an extra 30 minutes, come in 30 minutes late the next day. If this becomes a problem, ask them what sort of system they would like to introduce to ensure your working hours are properly accounted for and fair.
 
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