How to convince wife to go to marriage counseling?

[JoeKR]

I hate to admit it but I am genuinely concerned that there is another man, and today my concerns have gone deeper. I wont go into her actions and my suspicions right now until I know more information. I have asked her, and I just asked her today before she left the house if she has feelings for someone else or if there is something going out with another man. She said she doesn’t, and for now I need to take her word and try to make the marriage work.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Wow, there’s some harsh stuff being tossed at this guy. Frankly, based on my experiences here, he’s getting some of the blanket “guy” treatment. It gets old.

Because he’s the guy, he’s necessarily at fault. He refuses to be her social hood-ornament in spite of the fact that he has a problem in this area. Not that she is an uncaring person who doesn’t seem to mind that her husband is horribly uncomfortable.

Sigh.

And YOU don’t have bias and “blanket woman treatment?”

Yes, actually, because he’s the guy, he’s necessarily at fault.

As the guy, he is the “head of his domestic church.” As Plato, I think said, “The bass sets the tune.” Sexist? Maybe. But true. And when the man by his absence (emotionally or physically) or by his cruelty abdicates that role, it forces the mother of the family to have to assume a role that she may not be suited to. And it often brings out the harsher side of her. Women aren’t suited to be fathers.

I can’t think of one family I know where the man truly takes that responsibility seriously and provides loving service to his wife and kids and sees to their emotional and physical needs that the marriage ends. As the head of his family, much is expected of a man. If he’s a man, he’ll step up to the plate and take on the responsibility. To see problems, to fix them, to love his family and to guide it spiritually, morally and emotionally without being a tyrant about it. In return, I see those men adored by their wives and respected by their children.

After a certain point, you don’t get to be “horribly uncomfortable” dealing with real life and real people. Do you think his wife should face a lifetime of going to every school and social and church function alone because he didn’t want to talk to strangers? In the real world you have to talk to neighbors. Wait… they don’t have any. I never got an answer whether that house in the country all alone was his idea.

In the real world a father has to deal with lots of people. And he starts out by being a husband who deals with lots of people. I’m sure his wife didn’t want a “social hood ornament” but a husband by her side whom she could interact with even in a social circle.

I never got an answer whether they tried to make friends in their community and develop a new social circle. Was he content to sit in the middle of nowhere and she had to drive to church to find someone to be friends with?

Again, we’re not seeing the whole picture. Yeah, he’s hurting. But so was she. I’m just wondering if someone else has seen a void and stepped in to fill it.

If men want women to submit to them, they have to be worthy of following, Ghostman. As the man, he shouldn’t have sat around doing nothing till the place was burning to the ground. This is what it took to get his attention. Again, he’s not told us if there are children involved or if they wanted children. That could shed light on this situation too. I still think there is more to this. We haven’t heard her version.

 

[JoeKR]

After a certain point, you don’t get to be “horribly uncomfortable” dealing with real life and real people. Do you think his wife should face a lifetime of going to every school and social and church function alone because he didn’t want to talk to strangers? In the real world you have to talk to neighbors. Wait… they don’t have any. I never got an answer whether that house in the country all alone was his idea.

To answer your question about living in the country:

This was not just my idea. Even when we were dating, we both loved the country setting, space, and solitude. We BOTH still do, but she obviously want the social stuff to go along with it. When we were looking to buy our first house the only thing we looked at were rural homes. She doesn’t really like to have a small yard and be right next to the neighbors. But we do have neighbors, the lots are 2.5 to 5 acres in the neighborhood. I could throw a stone from my front porch and hit the neighbors houses on either side. The drive to get to “town” where the main shopping malls and other things are located is 12 miles, and takes about 20 minutes. The house definately isnt much of a problem, other than it makes it a little more difficult (time wise) to get to the town stuff. I know that shouldn’t be an excuse but it is what it is.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Okay, that is good she wanted that too. Now about kids… do you have any? Does she want any? Do you want any? (That has a lot to do with the validity of your marriage right now. If either of you entered the marriage not intending to have children, that makes it invalid.)

If you do have children, she has a responsibility to them to do what she can to make the marriage work. A serious responsibility.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Frankly, you may need to confront her about another man. All those social engagements alone might have led her to someone else. Perhaps some of them were not even real social engagements, but clandestine meetings. You need to get tested for STD; her behavior smells fishy to me. Somehow I’m getting the picture of a woman who has already moved on.

Perhaps not a physical attachment, but an emotional one is to blame. Ask her to be honest with you.

Have you asked her any hard questions? Do you want to know the answers?

Sorry to say, I had similar thoughts. I hope it’s not so… But it reminds me so much of a sad story that happened to a friend of mine.

What’s really scary, Joe, why does your wife tell “too little, too late”? Did she complain previously several times that she needs you to get more involved with her social life etc, or did she just suddenly surprise you with this? I mean, I get the feeling that her action is too sudden. If she complained several times over a long period of time, and if she tried repeatedly to involve you in her social life, and you stubbornly refused to do anything to make her happy in this area and if you disregarded her expressed feelings over a long period of time, that’s a different story. In that case, she has tried and tried, and she finally grew tired of it, and gave up on you. But your words create a different impression, something like she just came with this request for separation out of the blue, suddenly, without much forewarning. And it’s fishy, yes, that she so adamantly refuses to try fixing your marriage, by talking to your priest, counselor, etc. I could be totally wrong here, but this is the feeling I get. If you were so unsensitive and self-centered that you brushed aside her repeated pleadings over a long period of time, that would be different, but this is not the impression I get. Same thing with the display of affection. Some men are really cold and even harsh and reject their wife’s affection to the point where she gets totally discouraged and gives up, but was this the case in your marriage? Did she come hugging you, or wanted to hold hands with you or cuddle with you several times during the past 12 months, and also before, and you pushed her aside or simply didn’t care being too busy with your other stuff, do you remember occasions like these? What I’m getting at, were there repeated attempts for more emotional intimacy from her side over a sustained period of time and she finally, slowly grew tired and gave up, can you remember this happening? Was your emotional life one-sided in the sense that she had to always initiate intimacy, you never initiated and even behaved in an unwelcoming way when she wanted to spend more time with you? Reading your previous posts, I get the impression that this was not the case.

One hypothesis is this: that your wife maybe got involved with someone (it could be emotional only, not physical, but that can also be bad enough), and she uses these complaints now simply as an excuse to get out of the marriage. This would explain why she doesn’t want to give it a try, to fix your marriage. I mean, if she had tried to get you on board for a long time, including talking to your priest, going to marriage counseling, etc, and she was alone in this because you refused to cooperate, then I would see why she tells “too little, too late”, because she gave up and thinks that your commitment to fix this marriage is lacking or un-sincere. But is this really the case or to the contrary, is she trying to cover up something?

That friend of mine I mentioned, somehow their marriage grew cold. His wife enjoyed buying nice furniture and stuff, and when they acquired too much credit card debt, my friend took a second job to pay the bills. Also, his wife was working on an advanced degree, thus my friend took care of their children most of the time (he is a wonderful father). Then, I heard rumors that she is constantly hanging out with a male colleague at work, they go to lunch together, they go jogging together, she is driving his truck, etc. Finally, my friend got divorced, his wife initiated the divorce, she refused to wait or try to fix the marriage, and she accused my friend of failing to be by her side. The other man with whom she used to hang out also divorced his wife…

 

[JoeKR]

Okay, that is good she wanted that too. Now about kids… do you have any? Does she want any? Do you want any? (That has a lot to do with the validity of your marriage right now. If either of you entered the marriage not intending to have children, that makes it invalid.)

If you do have children, she has a responsibility to them to do what she can to make the marriage work. A serious responsibility.

We do not have any children. Two dogs though. We both wanted children when we were married, and we both still want children. We have been essentailly holding off on children until our carreers were going good and we were well settled. I know this isn’t the teaching of the Catholic Church, and it is wrong in the eyes of God, but I can’t change that fact now.

She thinks I’m “indifferent” about children, but that is not the truth. I have admitted to her that sometimes I may seem indifferent, but that comes from a couple concerns. The concerns I have had include the fact that when I have seen her around children that act “fussy”, I can tell that she has trouble being patient and understanding the situation. She has even made comments many times like “We’re never having kids” after we have been out and dealt with a family where the kids acted up and misbehaved. Thats how much it bothers her. I know she is mostly joking, but I also truely believe there might be a lttle truth to it.

The other concern is I think it will be difficult for her to maintain her social activites when a child comes along, and that is really going to affect her (and me and the child). Right now with the two dogs I often feel stuck taking care of them, and that she hasn’t been pulling her weight with the dogs and taking care of the house. I know this might be hard for most people to believe, but it is true. She does take care of the dogs when I’m away from the house, but that is much less frequent then when she is away and out during the weekdays. I don’t want you to think that I want my wife to be my “maid”, as that is not the case. But childen, pets, familty, and a house are a big responsibility and I feel we both need to put our time into taking care of them. I hope you can see my concerns. Again, this goes back to the lack of communication. If we would have told each other how we feel we could have worked together on these problems.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Good. More information. How old is she? Did you say? I presume you are in your mid-20s? Does she have brothers or sisters? Only child? How do you get along with your in-laws? How does she get along with your family? Her own?

I’m wondering just how much maturity she has going on here from what you are saying. What did she think marriage was about? Just how long have you been married?

If you’re avoiding having children… well, I don’t want to get too personal, but is she using contraceptive methods that give you little say in whether you have children? Is she making the decision on that? You have a house and grad degrees. Most people start families with much less. It seems she is afraid to “settle down.” Have you been pressing her for children lately? Is this causing her to panic and all of a sudden say the marriage is over? Most people your age around children are starting to get baby fever. Go see the trying to conceive thread in the family section and read the women there who long for children. I wonder too how much “joking” your wife is really doing. These are all issues… immaturity, lack of psychological capacity, refusal to have children… they could all mitigate whether there is even a sacramental bond there. Did she believe marriage was permanent when she married you? Did she intend for it to be permanent?

And again, I’m wondering if someone else is making her heart wander.

 

[Cat]

Forgive me if I missed this. May I ask how old you and your wife are and how long you have been married? Are children an option at this point?

Also what initially attracted you to each other? What attracted you to her and what attracted her to you? Why did you get married? (There must have been SOMETHING good going on, right?)

I am a woman. It sounds to me like your wife is trying to live a life that doesn’t exist, a fantasy life. You are not part of it. There may or may not be another man, or it may just be a “fantasy man.” At any rate, she imagines that life will be great if you are not around.

Lots of women do this (and so do men)–they don’t live in the real world, they live in a “novel” or “TV” world that exists only in their imagination. They don’t face reality, they hide from it imagining how much better things could be “if only…”

think she has built up a whole fantasy world and imagines a wonderful, exciting life without you, instead of buckling down and living and loving with the man that she was once in love with. She needs some help (from a counselor) to face reality and accept it.

You may not be a social person, but you certainly express yourself well in writing. You don’t sound like a dud or a loser. A woman doesn’t divorce a man because he’s shy or retiring or anti-social. Is there more to it? Are you mentally-ill (e.g., agoraphobic or bipolar) and does this frighten and discourage her? It doesn’t matter if you are mentally-ill–it’s not easy, but a spouse can and SHOULD stick out the marriage and help the spouse (and themselves, too) get through the illness and work on the therapy to get well again.

All in all, marriage counselling is a good place to start. It’s amazing what a good counsellor can do.

 

[JoeKR]

Good. More information. How old is she? Did you say? I presume you are in your mid-20s? Does she have brothers or sisters? Only child? How do you get along with your in-laws? How does she get along with your family? Her own?

I’m wondering just how much maturity she has going on here from what you are saying. What did she think marriage was about? Just how long have you been married?

If you’re avoiding having children… well, I don’t want to get too personal, but is she using contraceptive methods that give you little say in whether you have children? Is she making the decision on that? You have a house and grad degrees. Most people start families with much less. It seems she is afraid to “settle down.” Have you been pressing her for children lately?

Some answers to your questions. She will be 30 in a couple months. I am 31. She is an only child. I have two older brothers. Her father passed away when we first stating dating. He had been divorced twice in his life early on. I get along with her mom (she had been divorced once early in her life too). I’m actually driving 3 hours each way on saturday to go talk with her mom about the situation. I don’t have a close relationship with her mom, but we definately get along well and she said she is more than willing to provide any assistance to me with our marriage. My wife doesn’t care much for my parents. I will admit my parents are disfunctional and argue constantly. I believe my wife gets along with my brothers, and my one brother’s family (wife and 2 kids), but she isn’t “close” to them, mosly because we don’t see them very often. We have been married for almost 5 years.

She no longer uses contraceptives (been this way for the past 4 years or so), but we rarely had intercourse. Maybe ten times a year on average. Neither of us having been pressing for children, but it has been in the back of my mind that I don’t want to wait forever and I’m not getting any younger.

 

[JoeKR]

I want to truely thank everyone that has taken the time so far to write about this. It makes me feel much better just talk and write about the problems.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You may not be a social person, but you certainly express yourself well in writing. You don’t sound like a dud or a loser.

You are right! Joe is very good at writing.

Joe, write her love letters.

But I don’t know if it will work. Does she know you’re going to see her mom?

Five years. Intercourse ten times a year.

Wow. Whose idea was THAT?

Basically, y’all have barely been married. You live in a house together, but this is NOT a normal marriage. Did she marry you knowing you were not demonstrative and maybe she didn’t care because she has “issues?” Or did all that change after the wedding?

Did she intend for it to be permanent? Did she make comments during the dating time about conditions under which she’d leave a husband?

Has she changed her hair, perfume, dress, hours? Is she suddenly listening to new music that is different from what she used to listen to? Secretive about email? Takes phone calls in private now? Uncharacteristically happy and chipper? Talks about any new friends a little too much? Quotes someone at work too much? Gussies up more to go to work or church? More critical of you than usual (other than saying you suck and she doesn’t want to live with you anymore). Refuses to have relations with you or let you touch her now? Does she still wear her wedding ring?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And dude, what happened to you? Usually the baby of the family is the clown and entertainer and extrovert! Did mom and dad’s fighting cause you to escape into a book? Was there too much emotion growing up and so you retreat into yourself so as not to be exposed?

Between her parents she has three divorces going. Does she REALLY think marriage is permanent?

Just from what you’ve written and her behavior and attitudes, I think YOU might have grounds for an annulment.

 

[JoeKR]

Forgive me if I missed this. May I ask how old you and your wife are and how long you have been married? Are children an option at this point?

Also what initially attracted you to each other? What attracted you to her and what attracted her to you? Why did you get married? (There must have been SOMETHING good going on, right?)

I am a woman. It sounds to me like your wife is trying to live a life that doesn’t exist, a fantasy life. You are not part of it. There may or may not be another man, or it may just be a “fantasy man.” At any rate, she imagines that life will be great if you are not around.

Lots of women do this (and so do men)–they don’t live in the real world, they live in a “novel” or “TV” world that exists only in their imagination. They don’t face reality, they hide from it imagining how much better things could be “if only…”

think she has built up a whole fantasy world and imagines a wonderful, exciting life without you, instead of buckling down and living and loving with the man that she was once in love with. She needs some help (from a counselor) to face reality and accept it.

You may not be a social person, but you certainly express yourself well in writing. You don’t sound like a dud or a loser. A woman doesn’t divorce a man because he’s shy or retiring or anti-social. Is there more to it? Are you mentally-ill (e.g., agoraphobic or bipolar) and does this frighten and discourage her? It doesn’t matter if you are mentally-ill–it’s not easy, but a spouse can and SHOULD stick out the marriage and help the spouse (and themselves, too) get through the illness and work on the therapy to get well again.

All in all, marriage counselling is a good place to start. It’s amazing what a good counsellor can do.

I am 31 and my wife will be 30 in a couple months. Been married for almost 5 years. I think there was both a physical and emotional attraction between us when we met. We seemed to get along very well. I like to think that she liked that I was a little shy and very layed back.She was attractive to me and I also felt like she understood me as a person and accepted my personality. We had some of the same interests (exact same grad degree for example), but on the other had we also complimented each other (for example I would do outdoor activites and she would do service/social things and we both were OK that the other was invloved in these types of activities).

I also think she is looking for a “fantasy” world, and I even told her (in a very nice way) I believe all she is seeing is that the “grass is greener on the other side”. She pretty much agree that is the case and the other side is better for her and that is what she wants.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

She will find out the grass isn’t greener.

Talk to your priest. Tell him everything you’ve told us. Take his advice.

 

[JoeKR]

And dude, what happened to you? Usually the baby of the family is the clown and entertainer and extrovert! Did mom and dad’s fighting cause you to escape into a book? Was there too much emotion growing up and so you retreat into yourself so as not to be exposed?

Between her parents she has three divorces going. Does she REALLY think marriage is permanent?

Just from what you’ve written and her behavior and attitudes, I think YOU might have grounds for an annulment.

I think I was fairly normal when younger, but then developed severe acne at about the age of 13 and have lived with it in different degrees since then. I really feel this ruined my self confidence at an early age and had trouble expressing myself. I could be wronf though.

 

[Island_Oak]

I understand this comes from personal experience, but I thought it was a bit harsh. From this post it would seem that the wife was ever the suffering servant and the husband was content to trod on her daily. This does happen in marriages, I’m sure, but the OP indicated that they have both admitted that their marriage lacked communication and I think that is the source of this break down. He doesn’t need further run down of his failings…he was asking for help in trying to get things back on track.

How about the 9 most important words from Mother Teresa? I WAS WRONG, I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Kathy

Would have to agree with above. That said, I am always skeptical/suspicious when one partner flat out REFUSES any counseling to help restore the marriage. Could it be that in all her solo socializing, she’s already found a replacement for you?

And as for your physical intimacy?! You definitely need to step that up…it DOES make a difference in a marriage. 10 outings a year!!! That usually gets me through 2, maybe 3 weeks! I know this moment may not seem like seduction time, but it is very telling that your physical separation has been so complete and sustained. I’m sorry for both of you that you are facing these challenges. Some counseling is definitely in order–perhaps both individual and couples.

 

[JoeKR]

You are right! Joe is very good at writing.

Joe, write her love letters.

But I don’t know if it will work. Does she know you’re going to see her mom?

Five years. Intercourse ten times a year.

Wow. Whose idea was THAT?

Basically, y’all have barely been married. You live in a house together, but this is NOT a normal marriage. Did she marry you knowing you were not demonstrative and maybe she didn’t care because she has “issues?” Or did all that change after the wedding?

Did she intend for it to be permanent? Did she make comments during the dating time about conditions under which she’d leave a husband?

Has she changed her hair, perfume, dress, hours? Is she suddenly listening to new music that is different from what she used to listen to? Secretive about email? Takes phone calls in private now? Uncharacteristically happy and chipper? Talks about any new friends a little too much? Quotes someone at work too much? Gussies up more to go to work or church? More critical of you than usual (other than saying you suck and she doesn’t want to live with you anymore). Refuses to have relations with you or let you touch her now? Does she still wear her wedding ring?

When she left today to be away for the next few days I sent her a text message and told her I was going to talk to her mom. I wanted to be open and honest about it, plus not cause any tension between her and her mom down the road.

The lack of intercourse has been all her. I’m a regular guy and want it all the time. I somewhat just came to accept it. She said she just is never interested. I think this was mostly true. But in addition I don’t think she wanted to get unexpectantly pregrant, and I think she was holding back at times because she wasn’t happy with me. I will admit that some times I probably tried too much to initiate intercourse and she didn’t car for that either.

I knew about 3 or 4 weeks ago that something was wrong, due to a change in her behavior. Home less often, and very secretive about phone messages (mostly text messages). I was concerned that maybe an affair could be happening, and maybe I’m still in denial, but I thought I knew her well enough that she would never commit adultry. The more I read some the responses on here and put some of the puzzle pieces together the more I think there is someone else in her life.

 

[JoeKR]

What’s really scary, Joe, why does your wife tell “too little, too late”? Did she complain previously several times that she needs you to get more involved with her social life etc, or did she just suddenly surprise you with this? I mean, I get the feeling that her action is too sudden. If she complained several times over a long period of time, and if she tried repeatedly to involve you in her social life, and you stubbornly refused to do anything to make her happy in this area and if you disregarded her expressed feelings over a long period of time, that’s a different story. In that case, she has tried and tried, and she finally grew tired of it, and gave up on you. But your words create a different impression, something like she just came with this request for separation out of the blue, suddenly, without much forewarning. And it’s fishy, yes, that she so adamantly refuses to try fixing your marriage, by talking to your priest, counselor, etc. I could be totally wrong here, but this is the feeling I get. If you were so unsensitive and self-centered that you brushed aside her repeated pleadings over a long period of time, that would be different, but this is not the impression I get. Same thing with the display of affection. Some men are really cold and even harsh and reject their wife’s affection to the point where she gets totally discouraged and gives up, but was this the case in your marriage? Did she come hugging you, or wanted to hold hands with you or cuddle with you several times during the past 12 months, and also before, and you pushed her aside or simply didn’t care being too busy with your other stuff, do you remember occasions like these? What I’m getting at, were there repeated attempts for more emotional intimacy from her side over a sustained period of time and she finally, slowly grew tired and gave up, can you remember this happening? Was your emotional life one-sided in the sense that she had to always initiate intimacy, you never initiated and even behaved in an unwelcoming way when she wanted to spend more time with you? Reading your previous posts, I get the impression that this was not the case.

…

We had a fight about a year or year and a half after getting married. I remember the situation very well, but not exactly what was said. She had been acting funny then too. She said we “needed to talk”, and said she was “bored”, and that we “never do anything”. I don’t recall how we reconcile the situation. From the best of my memory I think we both agreed that we are who we are and still happy and that we could make things work and we still loved each other. My wife has never really said anything since then (its been about 3+ years), although looking back on it I know she obviously was never satisfied with our social life. So yes, this was a BIG surprise.

With the affection stuff it has been a bit different. As i previously mentioned I really didn’t show a whole lot of affection, and I know for a fact that there were time when maybe she tried/or wanted a kiss and it didn’t happen. Probably the same with hugs, and holding hands too. I’m not saying the affection was totally absent, but it wasn’t as much as she wanted/needed from me. I know this was wrong of me. I will admit that I think I resented her not willing have regular intercourse with me, and so I likely denied her other forms of affection. Another wrong thing from me. Again, maybe if we would have both been truthful and open in out communications we could have worked it out.

 

[GhostMan]

I wish you the best and I hope you’ll discount some of the hateful things that have been sent your way. Sometimes an anonymous forum makes people a bit more aggressive than they would be in person.

I do think you need to look more deeply into the other-man situation. In my opinion, you’re the victim of emotional abuse at the least. You don’t have to take being left alone because she wants to party, you know; it seems like she thinks she has free license to come and go as she pleases. Ask her to stay home with you and talk. Be open; be honest.

Both parties in a marriage age called to serve the other. Find ways to be her servant and love her. Don’t tolerate emotional abuse. Start acting like a man, not the macho angry stereotype so many people have, but the strong, loving, patient man who can stand up for himself in a positve way, yet can also be a humble, penitent man when he is in the worng.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Ghostman, do you always pick a fight when you come into a post with your comments? No one is being hateful here. We’re trying to get the facts of what is going on here so we can advise him on how to convince a woman who doesn’t want to be married to go to counselling with him.

And the picture that is emerging is a very different one than his initial post.

Joe, now that you say she’s the one refusing intercourse because she doesn’t want to become pregnant, it puts your lack of affection in a different light. No, it isn’t fair to demand your husband hug, kiss and cuddle you and then tell him he can only have intercourse once every 53 days. Not in words, but in fact.

That’s being a tease. And it’s very unfair.

Sounds like the lack of affection was a two-way street. She has behaved like a single woman for quite a few years. You can’t be married alone. And it sounds like you have been.

Your honesty here is very appealing and very refreshing to hear. Those of us who had husbands who blamed us for everything they did wrong would have loved to have a chance to fix our marriages with someone who wanted it to work. It seems your only-child wife has been the center of her own universe for a long time. To the point she doesn’t even want to have a child. Lots of selfishness going on there.

From what you’ve said, her contracepting from the wedding onward for a year and her denying you marital rights for 4 years deliberately avoiding pregnancy for a total of 5 years and her comments about not wanting children… you might want to talk to a priest about an annulment possibility. Do you love HER, or the person you want her to be? Or the person you once thought she was? You seem to be more than patient. She’s been abusing that patience.

I went back and reread your original post and I was right. There is more to this story. And it’s really not about her socializing or your not wanting to give her a hug now and then. This problem runs much deeper. She’s right. You won’t make her happy. But do you know something? I dont’ think anyone will. But she’s going to have to find that out the hard way. I’ve seen nothing but humility and respectfulness in your responses, no matter how much I’ve poked at you. You genuinely want to keep your vows. I don’t think she does. Did she ever is the question.

Don’t you think you deserve better in life, Joe, than someone who wants the company of everyone else but you and doesn’t seem to have made any effort to build a life with you in your new post-graduate home? Was that when things changed? You moved from her academic world and her party circle to the world of grown-ups and responsibility and she didn’t want any part of it?

You seem like a genuinely nice guy. Whatever insecurities you have from your teen years, you need to talk to someone about that. Your self image took a beating when you were younger. Your wife’s behavior can’t do anything but hurt it more. Do you know there are many women out there who would appreciate a kind man who is open to growing in his faith and improving himself? Is this the woman who will help you save your soul? In all her church activities, is her vow to help you achieve sanctity through marriage to her even on her radar? Even above children that is the primary aim of marriage.

If she can’t commit to keeping the vow to helping her own husband save his soul, all her medals from Church are worthless. There is a word for people like her… hypocrite.

She may be doing you a massive favor, letting you free while you are still young.