How to Cope with Husband's Addiction

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So, my husband of less than a year has a porn addiction. He told me and asked for my help a couple months ago, so among other things, I installed internet monitoring software on his laptop, with his knowedge. Since then, there were only maybe 2 slip-ups, which were awful, but we were able to move on. But just tonight, I checked his activity, not expecting anything, but there were tons of porn searches!!! He was searching for anything that wasn’t blocked, with some success…😦

I know he’s trying, since he goes to confession…But he knew I would see what he had searched for! Why would he do that to me?

On top of everything, I gave birth to our first baby 10 weeks ago, so all I can think about is how I hate my stomach, stretch marks, etc…I even got waxed for the first time to feel more attractive, and for him! 😊

And he makes me feel bad for not initiating love making enough, but my libido is low from anti-depressants, and this just makes it so hard to trust him with my body!

Basically…What do I do???
 
Pray the Rosary together. It’s a strong weapon against Satan and all his dirty little tricks.

PRAY PRAY PRAY!
 
NewMama13 said:
So, my husband of less than a year has a porn addiction. He told me and asked for my help a couple months ago, so among other things, I installed internet monitoring software on his laptop, with his knowedge. Since then, there were only maybe 2 slip-ups, which were awful, but we were able to move on. But just tonight, I checked his activity, not expecting anything, but there were tons of porn searches!!! He was searching for anything that wasn’t blocked, with some success…😦

I know he’s trying, since he goes to confession…But he knew I would see what he had searched for! Why would he do that to me?

On top of everything, I gave birth to our first baby 10 weeks ago, so all I can think about is how I hate my stomach, stretch marks, etc…I even got waxed for the first time to feel more attractive, and for him! 😊

And he makes me feel bad for not initiating love making enough, but my libido is low from anti-depressants, and this just makes it so hard to trust him with my body!

Basically…What do I do???
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I would not have installed the monitoring software, frankly. This is his problem to deal with and HE has to be accountable to someone else, other than you. As long as you are his monitor, you’re more of a mommy than a wife. Imagine an alcoholic telling his wife, “Just keep me away from the booze, honey, and I’ll be OK!” :nope: Won’t work.

Pack up the baby and go to your parents. Tell him that unless he gets help. you will file separation papers. See a lawyer, talk to your priest. Prepare for the worst, pray for the best.
 
You ask how he could do that to you. I believe that it is becausehe has an addiction that he cannot control, not because he is intentionally trying to do anything “to you”. He needs spritual guidance and probably professional help. I do not agree with the person who says to pack up and move out. That is not what a loving and supportive spouse does! That being said, you do not have to be used as a doormat. Be honest and frank with him about the seriousness of his addiction and how it makes you feel and how it is affecting your relationship. Assure him of your support, but demand that he get help now!
 
You installed monitoring software on his laptop with his knowledge, and he went ahead and did porn searches anyways? That sounds to me like he wanted you to find out about the searches.

Actually, I would have a talk with him and ask him why he would want you to know that he has again been viewing porn. Then I would tell him how his porn addiction makes you feel about yourself, and tell him that his habit makes you feel objectified, inadequate, and cheated of a marriage relationship in which you feel respected, admired, and cherished. I’d also say that under circumstances such as this it is difficult for you to experience marital intimacy without wondering which porn star he is comparing you to in his mind. I’d tell him that this is a nauseating experience, and throw the ball right back in his court. I would tell him that I have absolutely no intention of attempting to compete with airbrushed images on a computer screen, in a film, or a magazine, and that would include undergoing such cosmetic procedures as the one you did. Tell him, that if he wants a satisfying marital relationship with a real human being instead of two dimensional fantasies, the porn has to go.

Who pays the bills in your house? If it’s you, consider cutting off internet service and selling the computer on eBay if he can’t manage to practice custody of the eyes. You should know that if his porn habit escalates, he might start downloading illegal images, and that could put you in legal jeopardy if the ISP is in your name. This sounds radical, but think of it this way: If he were alcoholic, would you be running to the liquor store to buy him whiskey?
 
odile53 said:
This sounds radical, but think of it this way: If he were alcoholic, would you be running to the liquor store to buy him whiskey?
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Exactly. As long as you have the internet sitting out somewhere for him, it’s going to be very difficult. That ****** little porn blocker clearly isn’t doing the trick because he’s able to search around for stuff that it can’t block.

Does he need the internet for anything? I would get it out of the house. If he needs it for work, or his fantasy football team, he can take the laptop to Starbucks.

As for coping with his addiction, have you considered getting help for yourself? Somebody who knows about how to deal with this? I mean, everyone on this message board could remind you that your husband’s brain is rewired all wonky and anything he does is no reflection on you. We can tell you you’re beautiful and your husband knows you’re beautiful and he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt you. And he hates himself for hurting you. He wishes he could stop if only because he’s hurting you and he loves you desperately. This could all be true, but we can’t possibly get you the help you need to cope. It’s worth it for you to get some professional help on this for yourself.

Is he trying to fight this addiction with only you as his support? That’s too much for you to handle. It’s really terrific that he’s addressing his problem and that he told you about it and that he’s going to confession. But this is an addiction and he probably needs to see an addiction specialist and you probably would get a ton of help in some sort of Al-Anon program. Don’t rely simply on priests and confession. God put some people on this earth to be addiction specialists. They do great work.

Also, I’m guessing they’re going to tell you that you can’t be his porn cop. That’s just going to be rough on your marriage. You can’t come home every night, enter a world of distrust, check your Internet Husband Spying software, and then have dinner with him like you are equals. Talk to someone who knows how to handle these things, though, because I haven’t a clue. Maybe they will tell you to be the Porn Cop.

Good luck.
 
He has to turn to the Catholic faith. devotions, patron saints Brown scapular, adoration, daily mass, benediction, his heart has to be in all that and a will to stop. And without the will to stop he will struggle.

Now is the time to put your foot down., otherwise your marriage is in trouble.
 
In my unscientific estimation, 99 out of 100 husbands do not approach their wives and confess such activity and then seek their wife’s help in overcoming it. Most go to great pains to conceal it. I would be encouraged by the fact that your husband values you so much that he came to you with this issue, and is at least open about it in that sense. That was undoubtedly a very difficult thing for him, as it was undoubtedly a very difficult thing for you to hear.

Try to be as supportive as you can under the circumstances, and that might mean getting rid of the computer and/or the internet. God bless.
 
NewMama13 said:
So, my husband of less than a year has a porn addiction. He told me and asked for my help a couple months ago, so among other things, I installed internet monitoring software on his laptop, with his knowedge. Since then, there were only maybe 2 slip-ups, which were awful, but we were able to move on. But just tonight, I checked his activity, not expecting anything, but there were tons of porn searches!!! He was searching for anything that wasn’t blocked, with some success…😦

I know he’s trying, since he goes to confession…But he knew I would see what he had searched for! Why would he do that to me?

On top of everything, I gave birth to our first baby 10 weeks ago, so all I can think about is how I hate my stomach, stretch marks, etc…I even got waxed for the first time to feel more attractive, and for him! 😊

And he makes me feel bad for not initiating love making enough, but my libido is low from anti-depressants, and this just makes it so hard to trust him with my body!

Basically…What do I do???
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So many of the above suggestions are excellent. As a wife who has gone through what you’re going through, I feel your pain immensely. It might be helpful for you yourself if you wish to join the women’s support group here at CAF called “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” (see top toolbar under Groups) It deals with this issue specifically and has helped me and my marriage tremendously.
Please know that you’re not at all alone in this. May Our Lord be by your side always, and may our Blessed Mother, Saint Monica, and St. Michael the Archangel help by interceding for you and all those living with similar circumstances.
 
NewMama,

From a mans opinion: he will slip. Do not take it as something personal against you – repeat – it is not against you. ALL men slip, but as one or more posters have stated not many would tell their wives about there problem, that just shows how much respect and love he has for you.

Maybe let him know when he has the urge to search that he should just spend some romantic time with you. Make a game of it also, do some role-playing, just enjoy yourselves together spend some time with it also, not just a “quickie” to get it over with and get back to something else.

Will pray that it all works out for you both.

May God bless and keep you also.

Winter
 
I think maybe if you can give him something instead.of porn?
A good wife should be able to help her husband in this situation.
 
silentbob said:
I think maybe if you can give him something instead.of porn?
A good wife should be able to help her husband in this situation.
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I don’t think that’s how porn addiction works. One could have a robust sex life with his wife and still crave pornography. The pornography is destructively self-medicating something that’s going on with him—it’s not a result of “not gettin’ any.”
 
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