How to deal with a 12 year old

[cmscms]

OK, I really would appreciate advice from parents and teachers. I was tutoring a 12 year old boy in his home and he had a real attitude today and was disrespectful to me. (details of his behaviour are not necessary). So, I ask the nanny if I sat him in the kitchen while I tutored the other kids, if she would make sure he did the work I gave him.

Well… the nanny wanted to know what he did so I told her. She brought him in for a talk and she was quite stern with him. There was another man in the room who sometimes cares for these kids as well. (yes the parents have money). Well… the boy started to cry. Having been brought up where not listening = getting hit, I am really not use to this ‘talking to kids’ and have no idea how to handle it. Probably the reason I usually ignore most bad behaviour but today was the last straw. Well… then the man also gave the boy a bit of a talking and then the boy was told to get dressed and go outside to do some work.

Well…first, I felt bad for the kid because there were 3 adults against him. I understand the nanny getting in on the act but the other man I am not so sure needed to be there. Well…while the boy was changing his clothes, he got hold of a computer or cell phone or something and emailed his mom and asked her to fire me and the nanny. Needless to say there was a long talk with the parents and they both are disappointed with the boy and apologized to me and said they would handle it. I told them a few behaviours I would like to see stop in my class and they agreed.

I feel really bad because the boy cried and I will be the first to admit I fall for the tears and let kids get away with things they shouldn’t. However, (and this is my personal belief) I also think that when a kid is hurting (whether the lecture was deserved or not) they should learn positive ways of dealing with their hurt. I politely tried to tell the parents that perhaps if we showed the kid to write in a diary or pray when they are mad, the need to send nasty emails would not be as strong. That went right over their head. They will give the child consequences.

So, I do not want to disrespct the parents authority and they told me whenever the kids misbehave to say ‘Is this something you do in front of your parents?’ and to let them know when the boy acts up.

But deep down, I don’t like that solution. I think that teaching a kid how to deal with the emotions is also a piece of the puzzle that needs to be done. And this is where I am caught. Also, knowing myself, I will go back to being a doormat and let the kid get away with murder.

Any advice?

CM

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, learn to stop being a doormat and letting spoiled brats get away with way more than they should Thank God that these parents are being responsible and haven’t fired both you and the nanny! Let them do their jobs as his parents and give him consequences for his bad behavior. Feeling bad when you do something bad is a GOOD thing! Just because he cries does not mean anyone is doing the wrong thing. Those could be sincere tears of remorse, or “crocodile tears” meant to get out of a consequence.

If you stop a child from being disrespectful the FIRST TIME, he or she will think twice about doing it the next time. Demand respect and good behavior all the time. You are performing a service for them and if they are not respectful, you cannot do your job properly.

I advise you to take self-defense courses such as karate or tae kwondo. It really helps with assertiveness and personal power.

Also, your own background hobbles you because all discipline is not abuse.

 

[Tietjen]

Yes, learn to stop being a doormat and letting spoiled brats get away with way more than they should Thank God that these parents are being responsible and haven’t fired both you and the nanny! Let them do their jobs as his parents and give him consequences for his bad behavior. Feeling bad when you do something bad is a GOOD thing! Just because he cries does not mean anyone is doing the wrong thing. Those could be sincere tears of remorse, or “crocodile tears” meant to get out of a consequence.

If you stop a child from being disrespectful the FIRST TIME, he or she will think twice about doing it the next time. Demand respect and good behavior all the time. You are performing a service for them and if they are not respectful, you cannot do your job properly.

I advise you to take self-defense courses such as karate or tae kwondo. It really helps with assertiveness and personal power.

Also, your own background hobbles you because all discipline is not abuse.

 

[PaulToJesus]

OK, I really would appreciate advice from parents and teachers. I was tutoring a 12 year old boy in his home and he had a real attitude today and was disrespectful to me. (details of his behaviour are not necessary). So, I ask the nanny if I sat him in the kitchen while I tutored the other kids, if she would make sure he did the work I gave him.

Well… the nanny wanted to know what he did so I told her. She brought him in for a talk and she was quite stern with him. There was another man in the room who sometimes cares for these kids as well. (yes the parents have money). Well… the boy started to cry. Having been brought up where not listening = getting hit, I am really not use to this ‘talking to kids’ and have no idea how to handle it. Probably the reason I usually ignore most bad behaviour but today was the last straw. Well… then the man also gave the boy a bit of a talking and then the boy was told to get dressed and go outside to do some work.

Well…first, I felt bad for the kid because there were 3 adults against him. I understand the nanny getting in on the act but the other man I am not so sure needed to be there. Well…while the boy was changing his clothes, he got hold of a computer or cell phone or something and emailed his mom and asked her to fire me and the nanny. Needless to say there was a long talk with the parents and they both are disappointed with the boy and apologized to me and said they would handle it. I told them a few behaviours I would like to see stop in my class and they agreed.

I feel really bad because the boy cried and I will be the first to admit I fall for the tears and let kids get away with things they shouldn’t. However, (and this is my personal belief) I also think that when a kid is hurting (whether the lecture was deserved or not) they should learn positive ways of dealing with their hurt. I politely tried to tell the parents that perhaps if we showed the kid to write in a diary or pray when they are mad, the need to send nasty emails would not be as strong. That went right over their head. They will give the child consequences.

So, I do not want to disrespct the parents authority and they told me whenever the kids misbehave to say ‘Is this something you do in front of your parents?’ and to let them know when the boy acts up.

But deep down, I don’t like that solution. I think that teaching a kid how to deal with the emotions is also a piece of the puzzle that needs to be done. And this is where I am caught. Also, knowing myself, I will go back to being a doormat and let the kid get away with murder.

Any advice?

CM

Don’t go for hippie psychology with boys.
Boys need an alpha leader, a strong leader.
Never go to the last straw. Tolerance zero is the key.
He will be happier, smarter, better student.
If you do this, he wont cry anymore and will be your friend.
Better, wil remember you forever.

 

[latin_rite]

How to deal with a 12 yr old? Sit down and relax with some deep breaths and wait for them to turn 21

 

[PaulToJesus]

How to deal with a 12 yr old? Sit down and relax with some deep breaths and wait for them to turn 21

Would you mind to explicit what will you find when he turns 21? I know you are joking !!!

 

[DaveBj]

Yes, learn to stop being a doormat and letting spoiled brats get away with way more than they should Thank God that these parents are being responsible and haven’t fired both you and the nanny! Let them do their jobs as his parents and give him consequences for his bad behavior. Feeling bad when you do something bad is a GOOD thing! Just because he cries does not mean anyone is doing the wrong thing. Those could be sincere tears of remorse, or “crocodile tears” meant to get out of a consequence.

If you stop a child from being disrespectful the FIRST TIME, he or she will think twice about doing it the next time. Demand respect and good behavior all the time. You are performing a service for them and if they are not respectful, you cannot do your job properly.

I advise you to take self-defense courses such as karate or tae kwondo. It really helps with assertiveness and personal power.

Also, your own background hobbles you because all discipline is not abuse.

^This. The whole thing.

 

[Cat]

This whole thing sounds very strange to me.

Your post is not well-written. E.g., you use two different tenses in the same sentence: “I was tutoring a 12 year old boy in his home and he had a real attitude today and was disrespectful to me.” There are other deficiencies in the writing (e.g, you say “kids” instead of “children” or “students.”). To me, this doesn’t sound like a post written by an adult. Are you a student yourself? How old are you?

I have the impression from your post that you don’t know much about how to handle children. You said you are “not used to talking to kids” and “have no idea how to handle it.” Why were you hired anyway? Others in this thread are commending the parents for being willing to discipline their child. I disagree!–I’m wondering why the parents are hiring a child to tutor a child!

IMO as a mom and someone who has had a lot of experience working with children in various club and recreational settings, it is unusual for a 12-year old boy to cry in front of people. I don’t think this is a “disrespect” issue. I think there there are some strange things going on in this house. It doesn’t sound to me like a good situation at all, and if I were you, I would get away from it. You sound like you are in over your head. The parents need to hire an experienced governess or teacher who is comfortable working in a setting like this.

My feeling is that if you are not an adult, you really shouldn’t be tutoring in a private home--you are setting yourself up for some bad possibilities (e.g., charges of sexual abuse–yes, it happens, especially if the boy is “disturbed” in some way, he may accuse you–please be careful to always have another adult in the room with you while you are with young children).

In fact, I question whether you should be tutoring at all, other than perhaps tutoring in your school under the supervision of experienced teachers to gain experience with working with children, or perhaps doing some volunteer tutoring at a Boys/Girls Club, or in a community center.

Do the children in this family go to a real school, or is there a real (fully-qualified and certified) governess working with the children? Are you a before or after school supplemental tutor? Why doesn’t the family use the tutoring services available in the school, or why does the governess feel the need to hire a supplemental tutor? That’s strange.

I assume that if they are wealthy enough to afford a nanny and a tutor and some other man who has free time to get in on helping a nanny take care of a child, they must have the money to send their children to a top prep school which will provide tutoring services, or they must have the money to hire a well-qualified, highly-recommended, experienced private governess. I can’t imagine a governess who is willing to hire a student tutor to work with her charges!

I think it’s really weird that the boy was told to get dressed and go outside and do some work. What is that all about anyway!!! You were there to tutor him! That means he was supposed to be doing school work, right?! Doesn’t the family have staff people who do the “outside work?” Was this some kind of bizarre punishment for the 12-year old? How does the household staff feel about the son of the house joining them doing “work” outside?" I think that would be really not acceptable to a household staff–it sets them up for trouble (if the boy is hurt doing the work, then they may be blamed).

I find it strange that the family employs both a female nanny and a man–it’s very unusual for men to be child-care providers. Do you know who the man really is? Is he a relative who hangs around the house? Why isn’t he working?

This whole situation is just so very weird. I would get away from it fast if I were you. Get involved in tutoring that is more wholesome.

Good luck to you.

 

[Irishmom2]

With all due respect Cat, the OP is an adult. And she was hired to tutor, not to discipline. That is up to the parents, who handed off to the nanny. I think you were a bit hard on the OP.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Perhaps Cat didn’t notice who wrote the OP - a woman well into adulthood who has been a regular poster on this forum for the last 3 years. I’m sure the grammatical errors are due to hasty posting or editing, or lack of concern for that detail because she is more worried about the situation itself.

CMSCMS, I would agree that you have to respect the parents’ decision and follow their wishes, and I don’t think their judgment is bad here. Also, your ideas and their wishes are not mutually exclusive. One can do both. In my family, we tend to impose the strict discipline first, and then ALSO have a conversation about better ways to handle the situation that led to the misbehavior. If it was my child, I wouldn’t be against your ideas, and I wouldn’t have a problem with you suggesting them AFTER you had reacted the way I asked you to. But I’m not sure it is practical for you to do that. For one, because you have a hard time imposing discipline anyway, so it will be hard for you not to use your suggestions to let him “off the hook” and for another, you don’t want to risk alienating the parents, or giving them the idea that you are undermining their authority.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OK, I really would appreciate advice from parents and teachers. I was tutoring a 12 year old boy in his home and he had a real attitude today and was disrespectful to me. (details of his behaviour are not necessary). So, I ask the nanny if I sat him in the kitchen while I tutored the other kids, if she would make sure he did the work I gave him.

Well… the nanny wanted to know what he did so I told her. She brought him in for a talk and she was quite stern with him. There was another man in the room who sometimes cares for these kids as well. (yes the parents have money). Well… the boy started to cry. Having been brought up where not listening = getting hit, I am really not use to this ‘talking to kids’ and have no idea how to handle it. Probably the reason I usually ignore most bad behaviour but today was the last straw. Well… then the man also gave the boy a bit of a talking and then the boy was told to get dressed and go outside to do some work.

Well…first, I felt bad for the kid because there were 3 adults against him. I understand the nanny getting in on the act but the other man I am not so sure needed to be there. Well…while the boy was changing his clothes, he got hold of a computer or cell phone or something and emailed his mom and asked her to fire me and the nanny. Needless to say there was a long talk with the parents and they both are disappointed with the boy and apologized to me and said they would handle it. I told them a few behaviours I would like to see stop in my class and they agreed.

I feel really bad because the boy cried and I will be the first to admit I fall for the tears and let kids get away with things they shouldn’t. However, (and this is my personal belief) I also think that when a kid is hurting (whether the lecture was deserved or not) they should learn positive ways of dealing with their hurt. I politely tried to tell the parents that perhaps if we showed the kid to write in a diary or pray when they are mad, the need to send nasty emails would not be as strong. That went right over their head. They will give the child consequences.

So, I do not want to disrespct the parents authority and they told me whenever the kids misbehave to say ‘Is this something you do in front of your parents?’ and to let them know when the boy acts up.

But deep down, I don’t like that solution. I think that teaching a kid how to deal with the emotions is also a piece of the puzzle that needs to be done. And this is where I am caught. Also, knowing myself, I will go back to being a doormat and let the kid get away with murder.

Any advice?

CM

Also, a very wise and experienced first-grade teacher told me that her secret is “Don’t let them see you smile until Thanksgiving.” Seriously. She goes in with an iron fist and then once she has the class well in hand, gradually allows them more freedom. She is the teacher they remember ALL OF THEIR LIVES. What a wise teacher she is. I learned when I was substitute teaching myself, that if you start out trying to be nice, you will LOSE control of the situation very rapidly. It’s not easy to be stern when one loves children, but as a parent, I’ve learnt how to do it.

 

[cmscms]

With all due respect Cat, the OP is an adult. And she was hired to tutor, not to discipline. That is up to the parents, who handed off to the nanny. I think you were a bit hard on the OP.

Thank You !

Yes I am an adult.

And CAT, the disrespectful behaviour was NOT crying. It was when the nanny was talking to him about his earlier behaviour that I don’t feel is necessary to go into detail.

To others, the point that perhaps I am most concerned about is AFTER we talked to him about his behaviour, for revenge he wrote his mom an email and said to fire us. The point I am trying to make is THAT is how I think the child should be showed how to handle negative emotions. But as others have said, that is probably not something I can do

CM

 

[1ke]

CM, at the heart of this you have to decide if you can enforce rules or not. If so, then you need to make a chart with your tutoring rules and then you need to enforce them with consequences approved by the parents.

Rules such as: no talking while the tutor is talking, follow directions the first time, be respectful of people and property, etc.

This child is 12. He behaves every day in school. He knows how to do it. He is simply pushing your buttons because he can. Seriously, a 12 year old crying is playing you.

If you are not cut out to have and enforce rules, or if you are easily swayed by crocodile tears of 12 year olds, then find a field other than child care/tutoring. It isn’t for everyone.

 

[Cat]

Thank You !

Yes I am an adult.

And CAT, the disrespectful behaviour was NOT crying. It was when the nanny was talking to him about his earlier behaviour that I don’t feel is necessary to go into detail.

To others, the point that perhaps I am most concerned about is AFTER we talked to him about his behaviour, for revenge he wrote his mom an email and said to fire us. The point I am trying to make is THAT is how I think the child should be showed how to handle negative emotions. But as others have said, that is probably not something I can do

CM

Sorry, cmscms. I called your age incorrectly.

But I still think the whole situation is rather bizarre, and if I were you, I would leave right now. Someone needs to be there who is experienced and comfortable dealing with the boy. And you probably are needed somewhere else that you don’t know about yet! It’s a question of a poor match here–if you quit, then someone else can step in and do some good for the boy, while you will be freed up to go to a situation where you can do some good!

 

[leonie]

poor kid.

12 year olds are just starting into the part of their adolescence in which their brain becomes reorganized. Their frontal lobes (reasoning) are not working very well. It’s hard for them to see consequences of their actions.

harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html

In your shoes, this is how I would handle the situation. First I would tell the parents what I was planning to do and I would tell them that I expect to be paid even if Johnny won’t work. I’d probably tell them that I think he will shape up. I would tell him what constitutes disrespect, then I would give him one warning if he did one of the behaviors on the list. I’d also give him a “do-over.” Then if he acted up again, I’d say that I couldn’t work with him that day, but I would talk to his parents. Then I would communicate only with his parents, documenting everything. I’d also give lots of good reinforcement for behavior that was good.

For example,

Tutor: "Johnny, if you roll your eyes at me, use foul language, refuse to work, break your pencil, deliberately do your assignment wrong, I not be able to work with you. I want you to learn, but I don’t want to waste my time if you are not respectful of me. I know you may have some bad habits and might forget, so I will give you a warning and a “do-over,”

Johnny: Well, I"m not doing this stupid assignment."

Tutor: Johnny, that is not respectful. You may have a do over: How about, “I don’t want to do this assignment, but I will try if you will help me.”

Johnny: I’m not doing it.

Tutor; Ok, Johnny, I’ll tell your parents that you refuse to work with me. I’ll see you next time. And, I hope we can work together. I think you are a bright kid who needs a little help and I would really like to give you that help.

Hopefully, the parents will have a consequence dire enough to get him to work.

Anyway, that’s what I would do. I wouldn’t tell the nannies. I’d just say that I would talk to his parents.

I’ve tutored and it’s a hard thing because the parents are the clients, but it’s the kid who is your student. Just remember his brain is scrambled.

 

[1ke]

poor kid.

12 year olds are just starting into the part of their adolescence in which their brain becomes reorganized. Their frontal lobes (reasoning) are not working very well. It’s hard for them to see consequences of their actions.

harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html

In your shoes, this is how I would handle the situation. First I would tell the parents what I was planning to do and I would tell them that I expect to be paid even if Johnny won’t work. I’d probably tell them that I think he will shape up. I would tell him what constitutes disrespect, then I would give him one warning if he did one of the behaviors on the list. I’d also give him a “do-over.” Then if he acted up again, I’d say that I couldn’t work with him that day, but I would talk to his parents. Then I would communicate only with his parents, documenting everything. I’d also give lots of good reinforcement for behavior that was good.

For example,

Tutor: "Johnny, if you roll your eyes at me, use foul language, refuse to work, break your pencil, deliberately do your assignment wrong, I not be able to work with you. I want you to learn, but I don’t want to waste my time if you are not respectful of me. I know you may have some bad habits and might forget, so I will give you a warning and a “do-over,”

Johnny: Well, I"m not doing this stupid assignment."

Tutor: Johnny, that is not respectful. You may have a do over: How about, “I don’t want to do this assignment, but I will try if you will help me.”

Johnny: I’m not doing it.

Tutor; Ok, Johnny, I’ll tell your parents that you refuse to work with me. I’ll see you next time. And, I hope we can work together. I think you are a bright kid who needs a little help and I would really like to give you that help.

Hopefully, the parents will have a consequence dire enough to get him to work.

Anyway, that’s what I would do. I wouldn’t tell the nannies. I’d just say that I would talk to his parents.

I’ve tutored and it’s a hard thing because the parents are the clients, but it’s the kid who is your student. Just remember his brain is scrambled.

And if you end the tutoring early due to the child’s bad behavior, you should be paid for the scheduled time period in full.

When I did tutoring no-show, early departure, or bad behavior resulted in me getting full pay.

 

[stephe1987]

Someone needs to sit down and talk with that poor kid. He is acting out for a reason, and there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed.

Perhaps he is doing this to get the attention of his parents? A lot of rich kids have problems with other adults taking time away from their parents. Are they away a lot? How much quality time do they spend with him?

Or, maybe he’s just being a jerk. A lot of 12-year-olds think they’re all that, so maybe he just needs some discipline in his life.

 

[cmscms]

I went to tutor today and it is obvious the parents had a talk to this kid. He was really well behaved. I suspect they talked to all the kids because his sister (who can act up as well) did a good job of listening to me. I did try to be more firm than usual. I did not feel comfortable discussing yesterday’s behaviour any further because it was obvious the parents did.

I do however plan on not letting things build up like they did. My heart still bleeds because I don’t think this kid is being shown what appropriate behaviour is and probably sometimes he acts up because he does not know what else to do. But… that is where I need to respect the parents decision to bring him up as they choose

CM

 

[dshix]

Yes, learn to stop being a doormat and letting spoiled brats get away with way more than they should Thank God that these parents are being responsible and haven’t fired both you and the nanny! Let them do their jobs as his parents and give him consequences for his bad behavior. Feeling bad when you do something bad is a GOOD thing! Just because he cries does not mean anyone is doing the wrong thing. Those could be sincere tears of remorse, or “crocodile tears” meant to get out of a consequence.

If you stop a child from being disrespectful the FIRST TIME, he or she will think twice about doing it the next time. Demand respect and good behavior all the time. You are performing a service for them and if they are not respectful, you cannot do your job properly.

I advise you to take self-defense courses such as karate or tae kwondo. It really helps with assertiveness and personal power.

Also, your own background hobbles you because all discipline is not abuse.

+1 :takethat::takethat::takethat::takethat::takethat::takethat::takethat::takethat:

 

[Aggies08]

Perhaps he cried because the man told him he couldn’t play his computer game/go to the store/whatever because of his behavior.

I wouldn’t worry about that from what you’ve said.

The child DID deal with his feelings- he cried. That’s an ok way to deal with feelings; I know plenty of adults who do so that way.

As the PP poster laid out a nice scenario, that is what you need to do.

Determine, privately, what is and is not OK.

Determine a consequence for these behaviors.

Inform parents of these expectations/consequences.

Clearly relay these expectations to the children. Be specific.

FOLLOW THROUGH THE FIRST TIME. Don’t give them a “well, he was frustrated- I know that’s the only reason he called me stupid,” etc. At 12 he can certainly behave when frustrated.

I think the parents did quite well.

If you think he needs to work off some anger or emotion or whatever, suggest to the nanny he’s been feeling frustrated, and he’d probably find it helpful to go play outside for a bit after the lesson, etc. You can also, FIRMLY, tell him, “I know you are mad at me. If you need to go (run to the end of the yard in back, do 10 pushups, etc,- you choose ONE to suggest, he doesn’t get the choice right now), then do so, then sit back here.” If he does not return/listen, follow through with your action plan for bad behavior.