How to deal with a disappointing family?

[DiscerningDom]

I need advise. I’m a 21 year old college student. I’m the only Catholic in my family.

My parents are divorced because my mother wasn’t faithful to their marriage. They’ve been divorced for around 4 years now.

My dad is very selfish. He lives on his own, and doesn’t want to pay for anything to help us (even though the divorce agreement says he has to, my mom doesn’t have the money to take him to court.) He dates women, and then gets very offended when they don’t like him. He gets so angry. After a rejection, he takes it out on my family, calling my mom and I terrible names when he’s drunk and leaves voicemails.

My mother is in a bad way. She’s in so much debt that we’ve had to go without food, electricity, and one winter without heat. I give her every cent that I earn (I got a full scholarship to college because of our situation.) It’s been so hard. She’s been very promiscuous. When I was 15, she sent me an email she meant to send to one of her boyfriends that had bad pictures of herself. I would never confront her about the email. She doesn’t support me going to Church, and hates the fact that I’m Catholic (I had to wait until I was 18 to join the Church.) I love my mom, but it feels like I’ve lost her.

My sister is 17, and is so disrespectful. She constantly argues with me, and hates it when I’m in the house. She thinks I’m not an adult because I do not swear, drink, and am not promiscuous.

This is so hard. It’s so painful. I’m discerning with a religious order that I plan to join after college, but if things get worse at home, I’m running to the arms of my Savior without waiting.

How am I supposed to deal with my family?

 

[Xantippe]

I need advise. I’m a 21 year old college student. I’m the only Catholic in my family.

My parents are divorced because my mother wasn’t faithful to their marriage. They’ve been divorced for around 4 years now.

My dad is very selfish. He lives on his own, and doesn’t want to pay for anything to help us (even though the divorce agreement says he has to, my mom doesn’t have the money to take him to court.) He dates women, and then gets very offended when they don’t like him. He gets so angry. After a rejection, he takes it out on my family, calling my mom and I terrible names when he’s drunk and leaves voicemails.

My mother is in a bad way. She’s in so much debt that we’ve had to go without food, electricity, and one winter without heat. I give her every cent that I earn (I got a full scholarship to college because of our situation.) It’s been so hard. She’s been very promiscuous. When I was 15, she sent me an email she meant to send to one of her boyfriends that had bad pictures of herself. I would never confront her about the email. She doesn’t support me going to Church, and hates the fact that I’m Catholic (I had to wait until I was 18 to join the Church.) I love my mom, but it feels like I’ve lost her.

My sister is 17, and is so disrespectful. She constantly argues with me, and hates it when I’m in the house. She thinks I’m not an adult because I do not swear, drink, and am not promiscuous.

This is so hard. It’s so painful. I’m discerning with a religious order that I plan to join after college, but if things get worse at home, I’m running to the arms of my Savior without waiting.

How am I supposed to deal with my family?

An argument requires two. Just tell your sister, “You know what I think. I’m not going to argue with you.”

How old is your youngest sibling? Longterm, you can’t be handing over all of your earnings to your mom. As soon as you are on your own, working, and have a place of your own, that would be a good time to start tapering off your support.

Also, plan to get some personal finance education, either St. Vincent de Paul or something like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, which if you have the $100, is a very good investment.

Best wishes!

 

[Allegra]

I can sympathise with your situation. My family is also not ideal and when I was finishing high school, I was desperate to get out. As hard as it is, I advise you to start saving your money and to quit giving it to your mother. Your mother’s debt is your mother’s issue and not yours. You need to work on getting yourself on your feet and out of this unfortunate environment. Little sisters are annoying. Just ignore her when she tries to wind you up. Your relationship with both of them with most likely improve when you are on your own. A religious vocation is a wonderful thing and if you are thinking about joining one, that’s great! However, I would avoid using such a life as an escape hatch for the unfortunate family life you have. I assume a spiritual advisor would tell you the same. Work on your own independence and healing first.

 

[humble_maid]

I can sympathise with your situation. My family is also not ideal and when I was finishing high school, I was desperate to get out. As hard as it is, I advise you to start saving your money and to quit giving it to your mother. Your mother’s debt is your mother’s issue and not yours. You need to work on getting yourself on your feet and out of this unfortunate environment. Little sisters are annoying. Just ignore her when she tries to wind you up. Your relationship with both of them with most likely improve when you are on your own. A religious vocation is a wonderful thing and if you are thinking about joining one, that’s great! However, I would avoid using such a life as an escape hatch for the unfortunate family life you have. I assume a spiritual advisor would tell you the same. Work on your own independence and healing first.

I agree with this advice. May God give you strength to continue on the right path. May you be a light to your family. On your part you will require a great amount of patience to suffer their indignation and abuse. Out of that patience, love will grow and make you strong. Your faith will grow too. May the precious blood of Jesus cover you and keep you. I pray for your family to heal and to have the eyes of their hearts open and that all chains that bind them, hate, bitterness, lust, impurity etc be broken and they be made free in Christ Jesus.

Amen.

 

[Avila123]

Dear DiscerningDom,
Xantippe, Allegra and humble maid have given sound advice. All I can add is a “little sister” perspective. My family background is similar and I have two older brothers. The eldest coped by seemingly divorcing himself from the family although he still lived at home. When your big brother seems not to care, it is hurtful and the only way to hit back is to be rude and hurtful back. Crossing that bridge can take a lot of time, patience and healing. It took years before I managed to get across. Don’t get me wrong, my eldest brother wasn’t nasty or cruel, he just never knew (and still doesn’t) that his siblings felt abandoned and rejected by him.

I can’t guess how your sister feels, but it seems from what you write, that she is hurt, confused and angry, maybe secretly regretting her lifestyle. All you can do, other than suggested is to pray for her and be there for her when she hits rock bottom and needs your help (by help I don’t mean money - but the support of her big bro).