How to deal with a neighbor and their kids?

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Saber_Mom

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I apologize if I am in the wrong forum. I wasn’t sure of where to post this.

We moved into this house about 4 years ago. Our current neighbor was our realtor. She’s a lovely lady with a lovely family, but she, her husband and her kids don’t have boundaries on what is our property and what is theirs. The kids are 17, 14 and 9, so it’s not like they are young.

The first three years, I spent time working on getting the kids to understand that if we are in the pool, it doesn’t give them outright permission to come over and swim. Sometimes I’d like to just swim by myself without my neighbors, and this summer has been much better (probably because they have been out of town a lot). Unfortunately, EVERY TIME they see we have company, they come over and join us. Parents too. So we end up feeding their family with the company we already have. Most of the time, the people who are visiting us are family we only see twice a year. I have mentioned it to the parents (and the kids) that I don’t see my family that often, but they don’t always get it. The only way to get them to leave (even after nicely asking them) is for US to leave the house as well. Very frustrating.

They are super nice people but always in need of things. In fact, one day one of the kids was in our house when we came home looking for milk because her mom needed some. I don’t mind loaning things, but just because she has no problem with people walking in her house without her knowing, I DO. (Yes, the doors are always locked now). This doesn’t bother my husband, but it drives me CRAZY.

We live in a rural area and there is a field in front of both of our houses. We own about a 1/4 of the field and they own the rest. Our sledding hill goes down into that field but is on the opposite side of our house (not on the side of their house) and on our property. They have no issues using that hill whenever they feel like doing so. In fact, they invite friends over to use our hill! I’ve asked them to not do that without permission from us due to legal reasons (husband is a doctor and people are sue happy), so now they oblige for the most part. But, if we are out on that hill, they are as well. It’s harder because my kids are the same ages as their kids but sometimes we want time alone!

Last year my husband bought a hockey rink and part of the rink goes onto their property in that field (about 1/8th of the rink). Part of the agreement is if we could use that part of their property for the rink, they were welcomed to use the rink. I can’t tell you how many people have told me how nice it is that my neighbors allow us to use their rink. It’s OURS. The husband is going around telling people that it’s their rink and we are lucky to use it. We are the people who bought it, filled it and maintained it. They never shovel, only skate. In fact, they’ll watch my husband and sons snow blowing the rink through their window inside and will only come out to help right when my husband is done. It’s so frustrating.

I’m asking for advice and prayers on how to stop this. It’s not as easy to say, “Stop.” He’s a police officer and a talker. We live in a super small town and are talked about enough and the last thing we need is our police officer neighbor making things worse. He’s also someone who likes revenge, so we don’t want to make him angry, but we are so tired of being used by his family. I mentioned last night that we were going to move the rink behind our house (not on their property, but we’ll have to take down a couple of trees to do it) and he lost his cool with me. I think it’s because he won’t be able to claim rights to the rink anymore. I’m mad at myself and my husband for putting it down there in the first place.

So please pray for wisdom for me. I don’t want to burn bridges with these neighbors, but I’m tired of being used. There’s so much more to this than I have time to go in to, but prayers would be much appreciated for my sanity with them. Thank you.

I’m going off to Adoration now to pray about this. Lord, please give me wisdom!
 
That sounds incredibly frustrating. It sounds like they don’t really get the subtle hints you’re dropping (locking the doors from now on, telling them you don’t see your family too often), so I think you’ll need to be more direct. Since the husband isn’t too approachable; could you speak directly to the wife? Invite her over to lunch just you and her. Pick the top two most frustrating apsetcs of their behavior and concentrate only on those:

“Oh, by the way, Cindy, I’ve been meaning to mention something to you that has been on my mind for a while. We love spending time with your family, but my family is a lot more private than yours is, and I don’t really feel very comfortable when your kids drop by uninvited. I’d really prefer if we set up specific dates in advance to get together rather than visit whenever we have other guests around. What do you think?”

If you’re entertaining family and they come to the door, do you let them in, or do they sort fo mosey in the backyard and just sit down? They’re being incredibly rude, I wouldn’t feel obliged to open the door to let them in at all. If they show up and ring the door bell, I’d probably answer it and say something like, “Oh, did you need something? We have guests now so it’s not a good time. See you tomorrow at Church?”

I would definitely move the hockey rink, and maybe blame your lawyer (“It’s a liability issue; I didn’t realize at the time but apparently it can be really tricky to have a rink scaling two pieces of property”). Also, how about a fence? Maybe a tall one around the pool with a lock?

I will remember you in my prayers. Keep us posted.
 
Do you know a discrete fellow parishioner who knows them well? I ask because I find it highly unlikely that this family’s boundary issues only apply to you. This is a family who believes that if they are open to boundary violations, it gives them carte blanche to decide the boundaries for everyone else, too. Families like this get a reputation everywhere they go.

I suggest that you talk to a few discrete people among your neighbors, because in a rural place–and especially in a rural place cold enough to have home ice rinks!–there are unwritten rules. My sense is that this family has a reputation as running roughshod over those rules. Still, I grew up in a rural place like that. In some ways, new people are not “one of us” until they have a child marry into a local family. I mean that they can be there 20 years, and they’re still new. That doesn’t mean that the locals like to let the other locals who drive them crazy do the same thing to people who move in. A lot of times they find these annoying locals to be an embarrassment, and they do want to protect the newcomers from them. It may be that the locals have accepted ways to deal with these people. OTOH, it may be that the locals know that “lovely family” next door well enough that there was a reason you got such a good deal on that property, but have lived where they have lived and intend to live there long enough that they are too smart to say so out loud.

Still, I think consulting with some locals who are a) discrete and b) have a reputation for prudence is your best bet for coming up with the most likely strategy. You are not going to reform these people, but you can find a way to deal with their offenses in a manner that the rest of the locals will find acceptable, reasonable, and admirable. (REPEAT: You are not going to reform these people. This is like learning to deal with ants or yellow jackets, not like training a not-too-bright dog.)

I do not suggest your pastor as this person. Bishops are usually far too wise to put locals in pastoral positions in rural places. “A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” (Mark 6:4) Even if he is a country boy himself, your priest may not truly understand the local politics and unwritten rules much better than you do. The deacon may also not be the best choice, even if he is local. Look at the guys who are in the Knights of Columbus, look at the ushers. Those are the guys you want your husband to talk to about this. (In a rural place, husband to husband is probably the best way to handle this, as it is somewhat less likely that gossip between males is going to get back to a guy on the police force who has hardly been likely to have gained himself an Andy Griffith reputation. Men do gossip, but out in the country their grapevine runs a bit differently than it typically runs between the women. Whatever you and your husband do, though, you need to always talk about this as if someone present has a wire on…including when you are talking in the presence of your children. Things get around in small places, because people interested in hearing “things” aren’t hard to find, and the interesting topics sometimes dry up.)

Do not be surprised if the answer is “If you figure out how to live next door to Frank and Helen, you’re a better man than me. I would have shot him ten times by now, even though that has a way of upsetting the other neighbors.” Sometimes, the only thing to do is to let the weeds grow with the wheat, and let God sort it out when the harvest comes in. Still, I’d do some asking around before coming to that conclusion.

I know it is expensive to move, which is irritating when you’re only moving a few miles, but honestly the tens of thousands of dollars it costs you might be the best money you ever spent! Is even a pool, a dream kitchen, and a place for an ice rink worth living next door to that couple from now until you die? There may be a reason all the locals were willing to take less in order to have different “lovely” people next door!! 😉 😃
 
I think it’s excellent that you are moving the rink. If they don’t know how to or want to create or respect boundaries, you need to do it. Plain and simple. Be straightforward about it, it’s not about feelings, etc. You should put up a fence around your pool and make any other physical boundaries so that these people simply can’t keep taking advantage. I don’t think a discussion is necessary, because my thought it that it would only turn out to your disadvantage, however well meaning and nicely you try to do it.
 
Wow. You’re a lot more patient than I would be!!!
If you have a mediator in your community (check with the county), make an appointment with them AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Mediators deal with these types of problems (kids, barking dogs, invasive plants, etc) all the time. They will have a skill set in place to deal with the neighbor (who is a bully, btw).

In the meantime, you are going to have to be firm with the neighbors. People who walk right into your home, invite themselves over, etc DONT GET IT. You sound like a nice person, and they’re taking advantage of it. You’ll have to start practicing - “I’m having some alone time in the pool. Please go home and I’ll call you when we can visit.”

“Oh, we don’t have time to visit now, our family is in town. Also, I don’t have enough food for anyone else. Let’s try to get together tomorrow, ok? I’ll call you.”

“Yes, we moved the rink bc it’s more convenient for us. We’ll let you know when it’s a good time to skate together, ok? I’ll call you.”

Never preface a sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” Just be assertive. This is YOUR HOME.

Be a broken record (‘I can’t visit now. I’ll call you.’) and DONT BE AFRAID. These people just need a little firmness, assertiveness, and they will be off to the next group. Who cares what people think? They will talk for a little while, then move on. Really.

Read the last chapter of Ephesians - and STAND YOUR GROUND.
Call upon your Guardian Angel, St. Michael and all the angels, to help you with this.
Remember, Jesus was pretty good at rebuking those who didn’t ‘get it,’ either. Ask for His grace & strength, and go for it!

Praying for you and your family, dear!!!

Michelle
 
Just for clarification, did the land you currently live on previously belong to those neighbors? If so, they may have difficulty giving up the idea that this is “their land”, especially if it’s family land. I would definatelly confuse the boundary lines by having your ice rink on their side of the line. Cut the trees down if you have to. Use the lawyer excuse if you need to. There probably is some liability if their kids or their kids’ friends get hurt on your property. Lousy neighbors stink and sometimes the best you can do is just stay away from each other.
 
Oh thank you all so much. I went to Adoration and of course, meditated on the Joyful mysteries. I concentrated primarily on the second Joyful mystery and I’m really trying to have a heart of charity, but it’s so hard sometimes! And then today’s first reading was about God loving a cheerful giver. 🙂

We do have a fence around the pool. That’s the law here, but the kids just walk right in anyway. I do need to be more forceful (working on that), but I really hate being the mean mom and saying no all of the time. There has been times when the kids next door are outside screaming until 1am on a weeknight and I have to go out there and ask them to be quiet. Once I do it, their parents will do it after me but still - they aren’t even my kids! I keep having to explain that my husband has to get up bright and early and needs rest (as do all of the other neighbors. In fact, I’ve had two of them complain to me about how loud the kids can be at night, but nobody says anything to the parents because they are so nice!)

I’m thinking a lock on the gate near their house is a good idea. The youngest over there tends to leave it open and I worry about finding a dead deer in the pool because of it.

Can you tell the frustration I have right now? Why do I allow people to walk over me? Thing is, they really ARE nice people and are fun to be around, but they just don’t know boundaries at all. I mentioned the husband in my earlier post and really didn’t describe him fairly - he’s a great guy too, but I don’t want to get on his wrong side. I know I need to work on myself to establish strict boundaries because I’m sure there are days in which I’m giving them the wrong signals (feeding their kids because the parents aren’t home), but I just can’t send them away hungry (does that make sense?) Those kids are friends of my kids and are in the same classes at school, so it makes it that much harder. In fact, I have to say to my youngest, “We are going to have a neighbor-free day today” sometimes. 😃

Thanks again for advice and especially for prayers for me to grow a backbone. 😃
 
You live where you live, and there are different standards in different places about how backbones operate. If you put a lock on your pool, for instance, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. When someone asks why you put it on, you can simply say, “No matter how often I asked, it kept getting left open, so now we have a lock on it and I have the key. Now I always know to check, because the kids always have to get my permission to open it.” Ooopsie, now they have to ask, too. Well, who knew that it was really not your child leaving it open? This “nice neighbor” game can be played both ways. :rolleyes: (Resolve that if they can find the chutzpah to ask for a pair of keys, the least you can do is to have the chutzpah to say, “No, sorry. No one else gets keys. If I give you keys, I have to give all the neighbors keys, and that defeats the purpose of putting a lock on it, because my kids can claim they didn’t leave it open. Call me controlling, but that’s the way it is.”)

It does not sound as if the locals understand these people any better than you do. Honestly, the “neighborhood consensus” that these are “nice people” sounds like something out of a Garrison Keillor story…the “nice neighbors” that everyone secretly wants to move nearer to somebody else–anybody else!

I wouldn’t punish yourself over this. Do, however, remind yourself that you make choices in this life, and your choice to put up with some behavior you don’t like in order to keep from ruffling feathers comes at a price. They do this because you choose to be gracious. Either choose to be gracious, and give yourself permission to at least feel good about that, or choose to be strict about your boundaries, and choose to feel good about that. It doesn’t have to be either/or, all of the time. It can be what level of tolerance you choose for today. After all, you are a nice neighbor, too, and they can cope with whatever natural consequences come from getting on your “wrong side”, too. If you don’t want the reputation that comes with being someone with a backbone, don’t grow one.

You know the Serenity Prayer? The wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can’t change has to do with choosing between the consequences of courageously changing what you can change on one hand and the consequences of deciding to serenely accept what you can’t change or don’t want to pay the price to change on the other. Choose, and decide to be happy with what you choose. It is like choosing between two different kinds of chicken, one that really draws the yellow jackets and one that doesn’t? Yellow jackets are what they are, and these neighbors are what they are, uninvited presence, stingers and all. Pick your course, and take the consequences with grace and equanimity. I think that is where you might find some peace in all of this.
 
Good fences make good neighbors!

Boundaries need to be set and enforced. People eventually get the message.

I don’t have a problem with feeding the kids because, honestly, you are probably giving them a lot of things that they are missing at home (besides the food).

I know it’s hard, but you have a right to have peace in your own home. Your family should be allowed to visit w/out it becoming a block party. It really doesn’t matter if the neighbors are nice or not. You aren’t being mean if you say, no, I don’t want you in my pool. To me, it sounds like they are stalkers.

I like the idea of a mediator. Have you talked to a priest about this? Not that he’d be the best choice for a mediator, but he could have some tips on how to handle the situation (especially, if he’s been in your town for a long time), so you can keep your personal sanity as you are going through this.

I hate being the mean mom too, but the kiddos need boundaries. I can tell you that it’s a lot harder learning boundaries when you are an adult. People expect kids to screw up and not know all the “social rules”. That’s how they learn. It’s hard looking like an adult, but having the social skill set of a kid.
 
Monicad said:
This may be a strange suggestion, but have you tried informing your neighbors in advance when you are having company and that you want to be alone? Granted it would be out of the ordinary! You should be able to invite guests without telling your neighbors in advance, however based on their past behavior maybe this might be a consideration. Give them a call for example: “Hello neighbors, on Saturday we won’t be able to visit with you because we are having our friends over for a special celebration but perhaps can see you on Sunday?” At least this way you might be able to enjoy your evening without wondering and worrying when they are going to show up. As I said you shouldn’t have to do this but it has been four long years of them just showing up and they are not taking the hint to leave so maybe this might work?
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I think this is an absolutely excellent suggestion and want to second it 👍
Push a bit … explain you were worried their feelings would be hurt if you didn’t explain that you and your husband have been inspired by some of the things you’ve been reading to set up private family times and that one of them will be ________ when you will be having some special relatives over … isn’t it wonderful? Don’t they think this is a great idea? (Really sell it as something ‘brand-new / special’) See if you can get them to actually agree with you. Then if they show up, put on your most embarrassed face and remind them of the conversation as you gently shove them out the gate/door, blame yourself for not making it clearer, but say you KNOW they would never have come over if they had remembered it was THE family time, and you’ll tell them all about how it went the next day, etc.

Also, explain you’re setting boundaries for your own kids - so you’re asking for their help in not “tempting” them to break these new rules that say open pool time is from X to X, adult pool time is X to X and the pool is closed from X to X. Heck, I’d even post a sign 😉 (And if they catch you breaking your own rules, simply say it was a special treat for a job well done and leave it at that.)

Good luck!
 
As far as the pool, I’d have no qualms in saying “We are visiting with family right now- perhaps another time!” and smile, standing at the gate. Not letting them in. I work with kids- you are not going to hurt feelings; just be direct with it. Same for adults.

As far the rink, if you want to move it, then move it. Let them know they can continue to use it or not.

It’s ok to tell them “no.” You don’t have to give a reason. “I don’t care for company today” is just fine!
 
EasterJoy said:
Do you know a discrete fellow parishioner who knows them well? I ask because I find it highly unlikely that this family’s boundary issues only apply to you. This is a family who believes that if they are open to boundary violations, it gives them carte blanche to decide the boundaries for everyone else, too. Families like this get a reputation everywhere they go.

I suggest that you talk to a few discrete people among your neighbors, because in a rural place–and especially in a rural place cold enough to have home ice rinks!–there are unwritten rules. My sense is that this family has a reputation as running roughshod over those rules. Still, I grew up in a rural place like that. In some ways, new people are not “one of us” until they have a child marry into a local family. I mean that they can be there 20 years, and they’re still new. That doesn’t mean that the locals like to let the other locals who drive them crazy do the same thing to people who move in. A lot of times they find these annoying locals to be an embarrassment, and they do want to protect the newcomers from them. It may be that the locals have accepted ways to deal with these people. OTOH, it may be that the locals know that “lovely family” next door well enough that there was a reason you got such a good deal on that property, but have lived where they have lived and intend to live there long enough that they are too smart to say so out loud.

Still, I think consulting with some locals who are a) discrete and b) have a reputation for prudence is your best bet for coming up with the most likely strategy. You are not going to reform these people, but you can find a way to deal with their offenses in a manner that the rest of the locals will find acceptable, reasonable, and admirable. (REPEAT: You are not going to reform these people. This is like learning to deal with ants or yellow jackets, not like training a not-too-bright dog.)

I do not suggest your pastor as this person. Bishops are usually far too wise to put locals in pastoral positions in rural places. “A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” (Mark 6:4) Even if he is a country boy himself, your priest may not truly understand the local politics and unwritten rules much better than you do. The deacon may also not be the best choice, even if he is local. Look at the guys who are in the Knights of Columbus, look at the ushers. Those are the guys you want your husband to talk to about this. (In a rural place, husband to husband is probably the best way to handle this, as it is somewhat less likely that gossip between males is going to get back to a guy on the police force who has hardly been likely to have gained himself an Andy Griffith reputation. Men do gossip, but out in the country their grapevine runs a bit differently than it typically runs between the women. Whatever you and your husband do, though, you need to always talk about this as if someone present has a wire on…including when you are talking in the presence of your children. Things get around in small places, because people interested in hearing “things” aren’t hard to find, and the interesting topics sometimes dry up.)

Do not be surprised if the answer is “If you figure out how to live next door to Frank and Helen, you’re a better man than me. I would have shot him ten times by now, even though that has a way of upsetting the other neighbors.” Sometimes, the only thing to do is to let the weeds grow with the wheat, and let God sort it out when the harvest comes in. Still, I’d do some asking around before coming to that conclusion.

I know it is expensive to move, which is irritating when you’re only moving a few miles, but honestly the tens of thousands of dollars it costs you might be the best money you ever spent! Is even a pool, a dream kitchen, and a place for an ice rink worth living next door to that couple from now until you die? There may be a reason all the locals were willing to take less in order to have different “lovely” people next door!! 😉 😃
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For some reason, I did not see your post earlier.

You described my neighbors and my community to a T. Do you live here? 😉

I have, many times, had people tell me they couldn’t live next to them. That I’m a much more patient person than them. So I know it’s not just me that has this problem. I also know I can be a wimp and my husband doesn’t care about this as much as I do. I’m working on it (I really am), but I hate conflict and I hate, hate, hate hurting people’s feelings. I also hate being the bad guy.

We just had a conversation with my husband and my boys. All of us but my husband want to move the rink. He thinks it will cause a riff with the neighbors. Plus, it will be a lot of work - we’ll have to remove some trees to make it fit, so chances are we won’t be moving it and the area I want to move it to tends to have a lot of snow drifting whereas the field is in a little valley. 😦 I’m thinking I’ll just have to come up with a plan B to get the neighbors to help us maintain the rink since they are claiming it’s theirs anyway. 😉
 
Monicad said:
**Is there also the chance you have sent mixed signals? ** You mentioned in your post that when they show up at your house you wound up feeding them? I cannot imagine having a special dinner party for family that I only see twice a year only to feed the rude neighbors on-demand and not just once but several times over four years? Is there a chance you have been too timid? Dear one, as a mother you must know this can be an unhealthy message that you are sending to your children. You are telling your children that sacred family time together can be disrupted because you find it difficult to stand up for your family. I could be wrong just a thought, please be assured of my prayers.
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Um, YES!!! (Bolding mine). I’m sure I’m sending mixed signals! Must work on that! 🙂
 
The pool thing scares me to death. I would definitely lock it up like Fort Knox, even just for your kids’ sake and then tell the neighbor mom how you’d read an article about how dangerous pools are for kids and realized that you’ve got to have better pool security. “I just couldn’t live with myself if something happened!”

With the rink, bear in mind that if you move it completely onto your property (where it should have been in the first place), you run the risk of them just continuing to use it as before. Have a good chat with your lawyer, so you can truthfully say, “My lawyer says blah, blah, blah. It’s really too bad. It was so nice to be able to share the rink with you guys, but we can’t do that anymore.” Ditto the sledding hill.

I would do all this really slowly, prioritizing in order of risk, and blaming it all on the lawyer (who doesn’t have to live next door to them). If they keep encroaching even after all that, consider moving, but bear in mind that there may be issues wherever you go.

The upside of your situation is that these people aren’t lowlifes. It’s good for your kids to have classmates available to play with (not all rural kids have that), and it’s probably great for neighborhood security to have a cop in the neighborhood. You’re probably a lot safer living in this neighborhood than in a different one, or out in a more isolated area.

Oh, and make sure your insurance is adequate.

Best wishes!
 
Saber_Mom said:
For some reason, I did not see your post earlier.

You described my neighbors and my community to a T. Do you live here? 😉

I have, many times, had people tell me they couldn’t live next to them. That I’m a much more patient person than them. So I know it’s not just me that has this problem. I also know I can be a wimp and my husband doesn’t care about this as much as I do. I’m working on it (I really am), but I hate conflict and I hate, hate, hate hurting people’s feelings. I also hate being the bad guy.

We just had a conversation with my husband and my boys. All of us but my husband want to move the rink. He thinks it will cause a riff with the neighbors. Plus, it will be a lot of work - we’ll have to remove some trees to make it fit, so chances are we won’t be moving it and the area I want to move it to tends to have a lot of snow drifting whereas the field is in a little valley. 😦 I’m thinking I’ll just have to come up with a plan B to get the neighbors to help us maintain the rink since they are claiming it’s theirs anyway. 😉
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There is a reason Garrison Keillor has a huge following!! 😃

If it were just you being a wimp, you’d be hearing “Why do you take that? When they do that to me, why I just…” You know the conversation.

If you move the rink, you’ll still have to put a fence around it with a lock on it, and that’s not cool. On that account, I agree about just figuring out how to get them to help with the work. Since your neighbors make a pretense of helping you to take care of the rink, though, I’d call them before you plan to work on it, to “set up a time to start doing the ice work that works for everybody, because we don’t want to do it at a bad time for you.” (I know how “nice people” communicate their commands. :rolleyes:) Then don’t start until they show up. You can also, ahem, use their claim that it is “their rink” to your advantage. “Well, Bobby Mason told me that you told him it was your rink. Since that’s what you’re telling everybody, you’d better figure on doing the work on that baby. Otherwise, if you’re not willing to put the time in to maintain it, you’d better start amending the news stories you’re putting out.” You don’t have to start any fights, but you do have to be willing to force them to start one. (You know the difference, because that, my friend, is exactly the game they play on you!! :rolleyes:)

You might also want to check with your insurance agent and local attorney about this situation, by the way, especially since your neighbor understands real estate law better than you do. You may need a written contract stating that the rink does not change property lines or property rights, and arrange to have joint insurance coverage. If they won’t agree, then you may “unfortunately have to move the rink, because otherwise in this state we could lose our property rights.” If your neighbors habitually use a part of your property, in some states they can wind up legally owning it or having a permanent easement onto your property. As I said, this is a real consideration, considering that they have knowledge of the law that you don’t have.
 
Allegra said:
Just for clarification, did the land you currently live on previously belong to those neighbors? If so, they may have difficulty giving up the idea that this is “their land”, especially if it’s family land. I would definatelly confuse the boundary lines by having your ice rink on their side of the line. Cut the trees down if you have to. Use the lawyer excuse if you need to. There probably is some liability if their kids or their kids’ friends get hurt on your property. Lousy neighbors stink and sometimes the best you can do is just stay away from each other.
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:thumbsup:There is an old saying" Fences make for good neighbors" 😉
 
Saber_Mom said:
We moved into this house about 4 years ago. Our current neighbor was our realtor. She’s a lovely lady with a lovely family,
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I don’t get this part of what you said. Lovely people are not rude, obnoxious, and overbearing, nor do they try to take advantage of people. You’ve let them go too far already and that has sent them the message that you are an easy mark. I would end the “friendship” or move, or probably both. Are you worried about the “friendship”? Don’t worry. There isn’t one. Their whole family is using you.
 
Deus_tecum said:
I don’t get this part of what you said. Lovely people are not rude, obnoxious, and overbearing, nor do they try to take advantage of people. You’ve let them go too far already and that has sent them the message that you are an easy mark. I would end the “friendship” or move, or probably both. Are you worried about the “friendship”? Don’t worry. There isn’t one. Their whole family is using you.
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I am guessing that they are friendly and generous in other ways, sort of like an otherwise nice dog that knocks everything over with its tail or slobbers and gets hair all over you. Sometimes when you look past a lack of self-discipline or social awareness in some area, IOW, you can see the elements of a basically good person.
 
EasterJoy said:
I am guessing that they are friendly and generous in other ways, sort of like an otherwise nice dog that knocks everything over with its tail or slobbers and gets hair all over you. Sometimes when you look past a lack of self-discipline or social awareness in some area, IOW, you can see the elements of a basically good person.
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Yes. This exactly.
 
Saber_Mom said:
Yes. This exactly.
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It is a good Christian habit to look for the best in people, and to put the best possible interpretation on their actions. The interpretation does not have to strain reason, but OTOH we want to measure with the measure we want to be measured with. Most of us, let us face it, look in the mirror and find favorable interpretations that would at least amuse those who know us best!! 😉 😃

It helps to have a sense of humor about human nature, but especially those humans you hope to live next door to through sixty years of marriage. Trust me, I understand how the love that covers a multitude of sins can also be the love that makes a peaceful neighborhood remotely possible!

Avoid the kind of passive aggression that would leave a reasonable person paranoid to be around you. That doesn’t mean that you can never draw a boundary without calling a press conference! When you live out in the middle of nowhere, the fewer press conferences, the better. In rural areas, people are still expected to be able to add two and two without audiovisual aids to help them.
 
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