How to deal with a stubborn parent who is in failing health

[kosull2]

Let me preface this by saying my mom has always been a hard-headed individual who always has an excuse for everything.

Last Thursday my mom had an MRI as she had been having weakness in her right leg coupled with noticeable muscle loss as well as balance issues. She received a call Friday morning to get to the emergency room as the MRI showed evidence of a recent stroke. My sister left work and took her and my dad down there.

While I was at mass Friday evening, my sister call a couple times and then texted to call her. She was flipping out because my mom was lying to the doctor about her smoking and made every excuse under the sun why it was ok and actually “good” that she is smoking and why she can’t exercise (even just a walk). Between that, my mom’s refusal to get off her bum and do something rather than watching TV flipped my sister out.

Thing is, none of this surprises me as she has been like this as long as I can remember - she is “smarter” than everyone else and there is always a reason why she “can’t” do something. “I can’t go for a walk with dad now that he is retired because it takes too long to go down the stairs.” “I can’t use a treadmill because (can’t remember the excuse she gave when I offered to buy her one).” “I can’t go to the neurologist because I can’t get on a bus (my dad can still drive).” This stems back to when I was a kid and there was always an “I can’t” for attending my races or something my brother or sister was doing at school.

My husband went with me to visit my mom on Saturday and he saw what I have been seeing for years. She won’t change her ways no matter what the doctors or what her kids say. I hate that fact, but I accept it. What I guess I am looking for in this is how to get my sister to accept it and not be afraid of using tough love. She has a son and a life of her own that should be priority over my mom and her stubborn ways. No one is saying turn our backs on her but at some point she needs to put a little effort forth in improving her life.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’m sorry about all this. I’ve seen a friend in a similar situation.

Really, insofar as your sister goes, the only thing you can really do is tell her once–and I do mean once–“Susy (or whatever her name is), I love Mom too. I know how awful it is to see her doing this to herself. But we’ve both offered to help her many, many times over the years, and she’s refused any help. She’s an adult and has that right. I suggest we both tell her that when she’s ready, we’ll help her in any way we can (within reason, of course) to improve her health, but until then we’ll consider the subject dropped. At the same time, though, we should tell her that we shouldn’t have to listen to her complain about preventable health issues.” Then stick to those boundaries.

Your sister might not be willing to take this step, but once you’ve said the above, all you need do if she starts complaining about mom is say, “It’s sad, I agree, and I wish she’d do more to help herself. However, there’s nothing we can do about it at this point except pray. She’s an adult.” Then change the subject. There’s no good in stewing over something you can’t fix.

 

[MJJean]

I’m sorry about all this. I’ve seen a friend in a similar situation.

Really, insofar as your sister goes, the only thing you can really do is tell her once–and I do mean once–“Susy (or whatever her name is), I love Mom too. I know how awful it is to see her doing this to herself. But we’ve both offered to help her many, many times over the years, and she’s refused any help. She’s an adult and has that right. I suggest we both tell her that when she’s ready, we’ll help her in any way we can (within reason, of course) to improve her health, but until then we’ll consider the subject dropped. At the same time, though, we should tell her that we shouldn’t have to listen to her complain about preventable health issues, and we should tell her that as well.” Then stick to those boundaries.

Your sister might not be willing to take this step, but once you’ve said the above, all you need do if she starts complaining about mom is say, “It’s sad, I agree, and I wish she’d do more to help herself. However, there’s nothing we can do about it at this point except pray. She’s an adult.” Then change the subject. There’s no good in stewing over something you can’t fix.

^^^
Yup. I’ve been in the same situation and this is the best advice I could imagine.

I am so sorry you’re going through this with your mother. Hopefully she will realize what she is doing to herself and to her family and decide to start taking the doctors advice.

 

[Emily2014]

I would add just this to the previous posts - She may well be terrified.
Please show her that you are on her side and love her whatever. We only have one Mother and when you lose her -the words you have said through worry, frustration etc etc, cause you immeasurable grief as they can never be unsaid.
God bless you

 

[kosull2]

Thanks for the comments. At the beginning she was scared but since she is only seeing small effects of the stroke, I fear she lost her fear, if that makes any sense.

Again, thanks all for the words of wisdom.