How to deal with Adult bullying-- Isolation

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Mayita30

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So, I go to my grandma’s house and apparently my cousin was there and was organizing a party. She is apparently mad at me and my mom ( we do not know the reason), so she then tells the others to " evacuate" the food to the next house which belongs to her mom ( my mom’s sister)… I feel so horrible, all we wanted was to visit grandma and stay for about 10 min and leave…I feel so bad that she was instructing some people to bring the food and other things to the other house. She was doing all of this without any shame and with a loud voice.

That happened like a few weeks ago. Mom and I decided not to make a big deal about it…so the next thing she does is post everything in facebook like they really had a nice time. I noticed in the pictures that they went back to my grandma’s house and held the party there…

I miss my grandma so much. I haven’t been to her place for 2 weeks now. I want to visit her but I just don’t want to come back home crying again. I am finishing a prerequisite for a masters program I will be doing this Fall and I really need lots of concentration. I already failed in a quiz because I just felt to horrible…It is like being a teen-ager again…all the bullying and isolation. I cannot believe that even adults could do this.

What do you all think I should do? Visit grandma this week? Grandma’s is already in her 90s? How do you deal with those kind of people? (They are neighbors with grandma so they will probably be there if I visit) Should I say hi to them?? ignore them?? How do you deal with a bully?

Pls share if you have any experience regarding bullying. I will be very happy to learn what to do in this kinds of situations. Thanks…
 
I am so sorry that happened. Honestly, these people have serious immaturity issues.

Is there any way you can call your grandma and have a chat? I know not all seniors easily talk on the phone. Or pay for your grandma’s cab fare to come visit you?

Sadly, the only way to deal with those people is to pray for thick skin.

I am sorry this happenened
 
Visit your grandmother, visit your other relatives, and be pleasant (if formal) to your cousin when you see her. Do not lay any of this onto your grandmother; you have other relatives whom you can complain to, if you think complaining is in order. You can ask your other relatives if they have any idea what is “with” Cousin Spiteful, and take actions to address the problem if there is a real problem that she is handling in the most counter-productive way known to man. This is what classy people do: that is, if they’ve done something wrong, they do what they can to make amends, without regard to how artlessly and even hurtfully the matter was brought to their attention. If you aren’t “better than” the behavior you are describing you have been the victim of, you are going to wind up seriously coated in mud. Rise above, rise above!

What you should not do is to believe your cousin’s behavior is any reflection on you. If you were a drug-dealer and a heroin addict who stole money from your grandmother, she still would not be handling the situation in the right way. If your other relatives–much inconvenienced by her antics, I am sure, if not outright embarrassed–can’t see that the problem is Cousin Spiteful and not you, they need some real help, too. Your cousin is acting like a drama-queen wingnut. Give her a wide berth, because her brain and whatever conscience she has are not on speaking terms. That makes her a rather dangerous person, not someone to be reasoned with at present. Do not try to amend her. Stay as far from her as you can while still remaining low key.

My guess is that she has everyone in the family just as bullied as she has you, and this is why they go along with it. No sane person would deal with a legitimately toxic family member as she deals with you. Who on earth moves a party to avoid someone, then moves it back when the person has left (practically before the move has been accomplished) and then makes a big deal of pretending that the preposterous “move” never happened? That is lunacy! That, however, is the issue of those who went along with this instance of insanity. Be willing to take a charitable view of why they allow this, but don’t try to fix them, either. They are probably doing it for the sake of whoever has to live every day with Cousin Spiteful. That’s not you. For that, give thanks. It has to be worse in the trenches.

Oh, and if you can block her on Facebook without her knowing it, do that. Don’t give her anything to add to her precious gunny sack of imagined slights, be the picture of the classy relative who rises serenely above this kind of nuttiness, but do try to ignore her as much as possible. She is not good for you and giving her any response at all to this disgusting behavior is not good for her, either. She needs to get as little attention and drama as possible out of these foolish and hurtful ploys.
 
PS This is nothing but a wild guess, but I think your cousin was trying to have a party at your grandmother’s without you and your mother, planning to imply that you didn’t want to or even refused to come when in truth she purposefully failed to invite you at all. Your unexpected arrival would have put the kabosh on that, putting her in a snit and shoving her into the preposterous choice to move the party next door.

As Snidley Whiplash used to say when he again saw his dastardly plans ruined by the innocent Dudley Do-Right:
Curses, foiled again!! :rolleyes:

Keep visiting your grandmother. Seriously, if someone other than your grandmother tries to stop you or your mother, your mother needs to tell them she’s going to call elder protective services if they try it. Anyone who tries to keep an elderly person’s children from visiting has put up a huge red flag for elder abuse.
 
Were these party guests people you are also related to, or was your cousin having a party for her friends/ other relatives? I’m just wondering if this is just your cousin acting like a 4th graders or is your extended family involved? In any case, I would definitely not stop visiting grandma and if this cousin is in any way involved with grandma’s care, I would encourage your mom to keep a close eye on what the heck is going on over there.
 
Mayita30 said:
So, I go to my grandma’s house and apparently my cousin was there and was organizing a party. She is apparently mad at me and my mom ( we do not know the reason), so she then tells the others to " evacuate" the food to the next house which belongs to her mom ( my mom’s sister)… I feel so horrible, all we wanted was to visit grandma and stay for about 10 min and leave…I feel so bad that she was instructing some people to bring the food and other things to the other house. She was doing all of this without any shame and with a loud voice.

That happened like a few weeks ago. Mom and I decided not to make a big deal about it…so the next thing she does is post everything in facebook like they really had a nice time. I noticed in the pictures that they went back to my grandma’s house and held the party there…

I miss my grandma so much. I haven’t been to her place for 2 weeks now. I want to visit her but I just don’t want to come back home crying again. I am finishing a prerequisite for a masters program I will be doing this Fall and I really need lots of concentration. I already failed in a quiz because I just felt to horrible…It is like being a teen-ager again…all the bullying and isolation. I cannot believe that even adults could do this.

What do you all think I should do? Visit grandma this week? Grandma’s is already in her 90s? How do you deal with those kind of people? (They are neighbors with grandma so they will probably be there if I visit) Should I say hi to them?? ignore them?? How do you deal with a bully?

Pls share if you have any experience regarding bullying. I will be very happy to learn what to do in this kinds of situations. Thanks…
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You say you do not know why she has a problem with you but there is obviously a reason whether it is a legit reason or not. I would find out why first of all. What is the worst this cousin can do to you? Make fun of you? So what? My dads uncle apparently shot him in the back when he was still a minor for not doing something he told him to do (this was in Mexico not here in The States) That is family to be feared, not someone who posts insults or whatever on face book and hurts your feelings. Go visit your Grandma. If you did not do anything wrong, dont be the one to back down. 90 is very old. Who knows how long Grandma will still be around? If family did that to me I would simply tell them that I do not have time for their non sense and that I am visiting my Grandma whether they like it or not.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
You say you do not know why she has a problem with you but there is obviously a reason whether it is a legit reason or not. I would find out why first of all. What is the worst this cousin can do to you? Make fun of you? So what? My dads uncle apparently shot him in the back when he was still a minor for not doing something he told him to do (this was in Mexico not here in The States) That is family to be feared, not someone who posts insults or whatever on face book and hurts your feelings. Go visit your Grandma. If you did not do anything wrong, dont be the one to back down. 90 is very old. Who knows how long Grandma will still be around? If family did that to me I would simply tell them that I do not have time for their non sense and that I am visiting my Grandma whether they like it or not.
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When someone shoots you, you know what you’re dealing with and you know you didn’t deserve it. Covert social aggression has this way of making a person feel paranoid, which can make it “the gift that keeps on giving.” Someone can take an hour or two of their time to dish out some covert aggression, go on with their life and forget all about it, and yet put their victim in a constant state of self-doubt about “what did I do to offend her, and am I offending a lot of other people who are just too nice to let me know how annoying I’ve been?”

That’s not to say the negative self-talk is the correct response to covert social aggression! It’s just that this is what a typical person will do if they haven’t been taught how to deal with this kind of “social feedback.” Self-doubt is the auto-reaction to covert social aggression, and it can take considerable inner exertion to learn the skill of identifying the attempt at manipulation and to respond in a different way. It is very tiring and very disappointing to have someone treat you that way, too, even if you know how to handle it. (Someone who deliberately intends to hurt your feelings has a very high chance of succeeding!)

Now, yes, it is possible that this cousin had some “ideal party” in her head that could not be her “ideal” unless it had no more nor any less than her “ideal guest list,” in which case she’d be equally rude and lacking in generosity to anyone who had stumbled on to her little fête. That alone could explain her attempt to re-write history on Facebook as if her imagined party had actually happened as she had originally imagined.

IOW, yes, she could simply be that self-centered and that oblivious that anyone in the world has feelings other than herself, and devastated her poor cousin without ever giving her cousin or her aunt’s feelings a single thought one way or the other. I wish I could say that kind of self-absorption was rare, but it is far more common among adults than one would ever imagine.
 
Personally, I would visit grandmother–and if the cousin is there I would ask her in a nice way if I did anything to offend her, because last time she left when I arrived.

Then I would take it from there. Op-don’t ask others-ask the source, or drop it. Drama happens when people do this and it starts a gossip mill.

If you feel you can’t or don’t want to ask her, then don’t speculate. Be cordial when you see her. If she has an attitude problem-well, that’s something she should work on. Don’t give her power to upset you, or control visits.
 
mommy_k said:
Personally, I would visit grandmother–and if the cousin is there I would ask her in a nice way if I did anything to offend her, because last time she left when I arrived.

Then I would take it from there. Op-don’t ask others-ask the source, or drop it. Drama happens when people do this and it starts a gossip mill.

If you feel you can’t or don’t want to ask her, then don’t speculate. Be cordial when you see her. If she has an attitude problem-well, that’s something she should work on. Don’t give her power to upset you, or control visits.
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Yes. Think about whether or not this is a conversation Grandma wants to hear. If it is, then by all means ask with her there to chime in. If not, then spare her that bit of unpleasantness.

In general, it is better to privately approach a brother or sister you feel has wronged you first, bringing in witnesses only after the first try brings no result.

As for whether or not to ask others what is going on, I’d agree that it is usually correct to ask the person in question first. Sometimes, however, volatile people teach you to obtain a map of their secret landmines before approaching them. When finding a source of these maps can hardly be dispensed with, though–yes, it is very important to think ahead and choose the source who won’t make the problem worse. It depends on the family, but you are right: it doesn’t do to sow more landmines as you go! :eek:
 
Mayita30 said:
So, I go to my grandma’s house and apparently my cousin was there and was organizing a party. She is apparently mad at me and my mom ( we do not know the reason), so she then tells the others to " evacuate" the food to the next house which belongs to her mom ( my mom’s sister)… I feel so horrible, all we wanted was to visit grandma and stay for about 10 min and leave…I feel so bad that she was instructing some people to bring the food and other things to the other house. She was doing all of this without any shame and with a loud voice.

That happened like a few weeks ago. Mom and I decided not to make a big deal about it…so the next thing she does is post everything in facebook like they really had a nice time. I noticed in the pictures that they went back to my grandma’s house and held the party there…

I miss my grandma so much. I haven’t been to her place for 2 weeks now. I want to visit her but I just don’t want to come back home crying again. I am finishing a prerequisite for a masters program I will be doing this Fall and I really need lots of concentration. I already failed in a quiz because I just felt to horrible…It is like being a teen-ager again…all the bullying and isolation. I cannot believe that even adults could do this.

What do you all think I should do? Visit grandma this week? Grandma’s is already in her 90s? How do you deal with those kind of people? (They are neighbors with grandma so they will probably be there if I visit) Should I say hi to them?? ignore them?? How do you deal with a bully?

Pls share if you have any experience regarding bullying. I will be very happy to learn what to do in this kinds of situations. Thanks…
Click to expand...
I am so sorry about this - how embarrassing for your poor grandmother!

Since they are not mature enough to come to you and tell you why they are angry, are you brave enough to reach out to her and ask? You may get rebuffed, but you would be able to say you tried.

Meanwhile, I hope you do not stop visiting your grandmother and just remember - prayer is powerful.
 
Hello everyone

thanks for the great advice!!! However, I have decided not to visit grandma yet… I am still trying to let things cool off so I can think properly. This problem has something to do with cousin’s husband. The hubby wanted to rent my mom’s property at a very very low price and he wanted to sublease it…My parents said no. There are also other stuff and now my cousin has been very very rude to us because I think she is not getting what she wants. She met this guy in 2014 and married right away (something like within 6 months). Her attitude completely changed. I have already blocked her in FB and I have cried over it. It is like a broken relationship. I have never thought that she would become like that. I have always treated her as a sister 😦
 
My mother went to visit though and she put me on speaker phone so I can speak with grandma 😃 Grandma was so happy…
 
EasterJoy said:
When someone shoots you, you know what you’re dealing with and you know you didn’t deserve it. Covert social aggression has this way of making a person feel paranoid, which can make it “the gift that keeps on giving.” Someone can take an hour or two of their time to dish out some covert aggression, go on with their life and forget all about it, and yet put their victim in a constant state of self-doubt about “what did I do to offend her, and am I offending a lot of other people who are just too nice to let me know how annoying I’ve been?”

That’s not to say the negative self-talk is the correct response to covert social aggression! It’s just that this is what a typical person will do if they haven’t been taught how to deal with this kind of “social feedback.” Self-doubt is the auto-reaction to covert social aggression, and it can take considerable inner exertion to learn the skill of identifying the attempt at manipulation and to respond in a different way. It is very tiring and very disappointing to have someone treat you that way, too, even if you know how to handle it. (Someone who deliberately intends to hurt your feelings has a very high chance of succeeding!)

Now, yes, it is possible that this cousin had some “ideal party” in her head that could not be her “ideal” unless it had no more nor any less than her “ideal guest list,” in which case she’d be equally rude and lacking in generosity to anyone who had stumbled on to her little fête. That alone could explain her attempt to re-write history on Facebook as if her imagined party had actually happened as she had originally imagined.

IOW, yes, she could simply be that self-centered and that oblivious that anyone in the world has feelings other than herself, and devastated her poor cousin without ever giving her cousin or her aunt’s feelings a single thought one way or the other. I wish I could say that kind of self-absorption was rare, but it is far more common among adults than one would ever imagine.
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The “ideal party” didnt cross my mind but it is possible she did that since she is the type who posts lots of things on facebook. I hate to say it but she is the type who mmm its not a nice word …“brag”…
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
You say you do not know why she has a problem with you but there is obviously a reason whether it is a legit reason or not. I would find out why first of all. What is the worst this cousin can do to you? Make fun of you? So what? My dads uncle apparently shot him in the back when he was still a minor for not doing something he told him to do (this was in Mexico not here in The States) That is family to be feared, not someone who posts insults or whatever on face book and hurts your feelings. Go visit your Grandma. If you did not do anything wrong, dont be the one to back down. 90 is very old. Who knows how long Grandma will still be around? If family did that to me I would simply tell them that I do not have time for their non sense and that I am visiting my Grandma whether they like it or not.
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Now, that is terrible! Shooting someone because they didn’t get what they want…talking about Adults with a mind of a child.
 
EasterJoy said:
When someone shoots you, you know what you’re dealing with and you know you didn’t deserve it. Covert social aggression has this way of making a person feel paranoid, which can make it “the gift that keeps on giving.” Someone can take an hour or two of their time to dish out some covert aggression, go on with their life and forget all about it, and yet put their victim in a constant state of self-doubt about “what did I do to offend her, and am I offending a lot of other people who are just too nice to let me know how annoying I’ve been?”
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I am a ex drug addict, I know all about what you are talking about. Some of the people I hung out with only had this kind of covert social aggression. Ultimately, it is nothing. If they are not a physical threat, stand up for yourself and they may back off when they see you are not a easy target. I know the havoc it can play on ones mind at the beginning but ultimately, it is not the worst that can happen. If someone calls me a name and I get so hurt over it that it is all I can think about for a day or two, that really is my problem. I realize women are more sensitive than men though but still, I say stand up for ones self.
 
Mayita30 said:
Hello everyone

thanks for the great advice!!! However, I have decided not to visit grandma yet… I am still trying to let things cool off so I can think properly. This problem has something to do with cousin’s husband. The hubby wanted to rent my mom’s property at a very very low price and he wanted to sublease it…My parents said no. There are also other stuff and now my cousin has been very very rude to us because I think she is not getting what she wants. She met this guy in 2014 and married right away (something like within 6 months). Her attitude completely changed. I have already blocked her in FB and I have cried over it. It is like a broken relationship. I have never thought that she would become like that. I have always treated her as a sister 😦
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I hope it’s okay for me, as someone who has been bullied just about all her life, to offer you a different kind of advice. (I’ve even been bullied here on CAF–twice!!!)

You need to forgive this cousin. Until you forgive her, you allow her hurtful actions to have power over you, the power to cause you pain and suffering.

I know such forgiveness is incredibly difficult to do, especially when you’re still hurting. But I found a way to diminish the hurt: take the pain your cousin has caused you and offer it up for the sake of her soul. Everytime she hurts you, do it again. Think about it. This is what Jesus did for us on the cross. He offered up His pain–which we caused–for the sake of our souls.

And when you stop to think about that line from the Our Father (Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us), you can see how offering up your pain for the person who has hurt you can benefit you even more.

I have found that this was the only way I could totally let go of the pain bullies have caused me. It wasn’t an overnight cure, but eventually I stopped hurting.

Hope this helps!
 
EasterJoy said:
When someone shoots you, you know what you’re dealing with and you know you didn’t deserve it. Covert social aggression has this way of making a person feel paranoid, which can make it “the gift that keeps on giving.” Someone can take an hour or two of their time to dish out some covert aggression, go on with their life and forget all about it, and yet put their victim in a constant state of self-doubt about “what did I do to offend her, and am I offending a lot of other people who are just too nice to let me know how annoying I’ve been?”
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Then problem then becomes in your mind. I know that can be nerve wrecking, believe me I know, been there. However ultimately one capable of shooting someone out of anything other than self defense is someone I would take caution with more than someone that is acting like a weasel and making me question if I did something wrong or not. If that is the worst they can do, I am going to stand up for myself. Now… one of my best friends 12 years ago when to jail for stabbing a guy when he was a minor and was a gang member with a violent reputation (Thank God he was on my side) … if after he got out of jail he suddenly turned on me and I wanted to go somewhere that he was, I would probably not go if he was there. But if all he was going to do is call me names but I really wanted to go to this place, I would go and tell him “I do not have time for your nonsense. GROW UP!” I realize women are more sensitive than guys but that is how I would go about the situation.
 
Mayita30 said:
Now, that is terrible! Shooting someone because they didn’t get what they want…talking about Adults with a mind of a child.
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I do not know the full story, I have not even seen my dad for about 28 years. My mother told me this story about him. I have never known my mom to be a liar, so I believe her. Now… I do not know my father basically at all since I have not seen him since I was 3 so maybe HE made up the story 😃 But if he did not, that is terrible, isnt it?
 
Mayita30 said:
The “ideal party” didnt cross my mind but it is possible she did that since she is the type who posts lots of things on facebook. I hate to say it but she is the type who mmm its not a nice word …“brag”…
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It is possible that you unknowingly put a fly in her pot of soup, which would make you the bad guy with her in a way that she can’t admit up front. You could have done nothing wrong and yet been treated as if she is angry about something that is your fault.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Then problem then becomes in your mind. I know that can be nerve wrecking, believe me I know, been there. However ultimately one capable of shooting someone out of anything other than self defense is someone I would take caution with more than someone that is acting like a weasel and making me question if I did something wrong or not. If that is the worst they can do, I am going to stand up for myself. Now… one of my best friends 12 years ago when to jail for stabbing a guy when he was a minor and was a gang member with a violent reputation (Thank God he was on my side) … if after he got out of jail he suddenly turned on me and I wanted to go somewhere that he was, I would probably not go if he was there. But if all he was going to do is call me names but I really wanted to go to this place, I would go and tell him “I do not have time for your nonsense. GROW UP!” I realize women are more sensitive than guys but that is how I would go about the situation.
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I don’t know that you disagree with me, so I’m not correcting you, but I want to be clear what is being said: this kind of aggression isn’t just an attack on your imagination, something that you can always decide away. It is an attack on your interpersonal relationships and your self-confidence that you are competent in interpersonal relationships.

It isn’t just the aggression of females. It happens in office politics among men, too, and happened in court politics centuries ago. It is the aggression that is most common when relationships are the coin of the realm, who you know and who favors who, who is “in” and who is “out.” (Yes, for most females in middle school, calling their interpersonal relationships “valuable” puts it mildly.) It also happens among grown men when direct aggression isn’t possible, though, as in “political intrigue.”

When someone moves cut you off from your grandmother or distance you from your other relatives, especially when it is by means that you can’t see and can’t stop, that is not imaginary aggression. That is real aggression. That is an emotional ambush. Yes, sometimes it is de-fanged simply by being exposed. That is why it is usually covert. That does not make it less real or less damaging while the machine is in operation.

So no, it is not getting stabbed or shot. Yes, it is a problem that can sometimes be neutralized by calling it out for what it is. It is real, nonetheless.
 
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