How to deal with an alcoholic father

[TheRealJuliane]

Maybe an unhealthy meeting or 6. I attended a bunch of different ones and went for about a year. Including ones that were not in our town or in our state.

They were all the same. Generally a bunch of women still talking about how hard their life was when “he” was drinking. Then I would find out that “he” had stopped drinking 10 years ago.

It didn’t give anyone a lot of hope or strength. It did tell me that if I stayed there, I to would still be blaming anything bad in my life on my “him” 10 years from now.

Either they were unhealthy meetings, or you didn’t grasp how the meetings are supposed to work. Al-Anon is about sharing our experience, strength, and hope, and the experience does include the crazy times before Al-Anon. Newcomers need to hear that others have gone through what they have and made it out the other side, and are now living healthy and happy lives, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. The focus is on US, not the alcoholic, and in fact, if you pay attention, you can see this process working as a newcomer starts out ONLY talking about others’ drinking and how awful everything is, and then gradually stops being victimized and starts truly recovering and detaching with love as he/she works the steps. After only a couple of months, you hear a lot less about the alcoholic and much more about how the person is seeing and living life differently.

But some smaller meetings can grow stale, and if the members don’t recover, it can end up being a litany of past hurts and griping, instead of true recovery. Those sorts of meetings don’t help anyone, because the Al-Anons then continue to put themselves above the alcoholic, in a superior position, not from a point of understanding and compassion.

 

[maryjk]

Either they were unhealthy meetings, or you didn’t grasp how the meetings are supposed to work.

Since I have already said that these meetings span across different states, then I must not have grasped how meetings are supposed to work, right? Or just maybe I grasped how they are suppose to work and I don’t agree with the premise.

How about we just agree that Al-Anon isn’t for everyone?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Since I have already said that these meetings span across different states, then I must not have grasped how meetings are supposed to work, right? Or just maybe I grasped how they are suppose to work and I don’t agree with the premise.

How about we just agree that Al-Anon isn’t for everyone?

I don’t like to prejudice the viewpoint of people who might gain a lot of help from Al-Anon, so I’m not going to agree. It’s one thing if they try it themselves and decide it’s not for them. It’s another thing to have a recommendation from a stranger, and then see that same stranger say, “Well, maybe it won’t actually help you.” Nope, not going there.

My recommendation stands. Alcoholism is an extremely isolating disease. People who are affected by someone else’s drinking need support and to hear that they are not simply crazy, and that they are NOT to blame. Al-Anon is a place to get that support and help. I highly recommend it.

 

[maryjk]

I don’t like to prejudice the viewpoint of people who might gain a lot of help from Al-Anon, so I’m not going to agree. It’s one thing if they try it themselves and decide it’s not for them. It’s another thing to have a recommendation from a stranger, and then see that same stranger say, “Well, maybe it won’t actually help you.” Nope, not going there.

My recommendation stands. Alcoholism is an extremely isolating disease. People who are affected by someone else’s drinking need support and to hear that they are not simply crazy, and that they are NOT to blame. Al-Anon is a place to get that support and help. I highly recommend it.

Okay, I tried.

I think Al-Anon is pretty worthless.

If you thinking going to meetings week after week, hearing the same people say the same things … then Al-Anon is for you. If you want to be in the same place mentally and emotionally 10 years from now … then Al-Anon is for you. If you like saying “poor me” …yep, you guessed it, Al-Anon is for you.

Yes, I am stranger to everyone here. So is TheRealJuliane. We are both giving our opinions. They just happen to be different.

My recommendation? Try it. If you don’t like it, if you don’t get anything from it? Don’t worry you are not the only one to walk away.

 

[EasterJoy]

Okay, I tried.

I think Al-Anon is pretty worthless.

If you thinking going to meetings week after week, hearing the same people say the same things … then Al-Anon is for you. If you want to be in the same place mentally and emotionally 10 years from now … then Al-Anon is for you. If you like saying “poor me” …yep, you guessed it, Al-Anon is for you.

Yes, I am stranger to everyone here. So is TheRealJuliane. We are both giving our opinions. They just happen to be different.

My recommendation? Try it. If you don’t like it, if you don’t get anything from it? Don’t worry you are not the only one to walk away.

If you think you are alone in the world, that no one who has ever had to cope with what you have to cope with could ever tell you what everyone else seems to be telling you about how to handle it, and no one has ever come out the other side from what you’re going through, I think what you’re describing could be very helpful, indeed.

My sense from those who go to these things is that there gets to be a point where they don’t find it necessary to go every week. They get a sense of what they take away from the meetings, they get a sense of when they need that and when they don’t, they get a sense of what their mood is when they’re going to be helpful to someone else and when they aren’t, and then when they need that or contribute they try to remind themselves to go. Some go and never miss a meeting thereafter, but by and large my sense is that this isn’t typically something that has to be attended every week for the rest of time in order to be helpful. As you say, even those who find it helpful seem to at least withdraw from attending without a break.

There is no commitment to show up when it is not right for you to go. The OP can feel free to go when (and if) it helps and to avoid it when it does not.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If you think you are alone in the world, that no one who has ever had to cope with what you have to cope with could ever tell you what everyone else seems to be telling you about how to handle it, and no one has ever come out the other side from what you’re going through, I think what you’re describing could be very helpful, indeed.

My sense from those who go to these things is that there gets to be a point where they don’t find it necessary to go every week. They get a sense of what they take away from the meetings, they get a sense of when they need that and when they don’t, they get a sense of what their mood is when they’re going to be helpful to someone else and when they aren’t, and then when they need that or contribute they try to remind themselves to go. Some go and never miss a meeting thereafter, but by and large my sense is that this isn’t typically something that has to be attended every week for the rest of time in order to be helpful. As you say, even those who find it helpful seem to at least withdraw from attending without a break.

There is no commitment to show up when it is not right for you to go. The OP can feel free to go when (and if) it helps and to avoid it when it does not.

My take is that the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to the alcoholic, and the way to manage both forms of addiction is to stay accountable to others through some sort of dedicated program. AA works for many if not most alcoholics; likewise, Al-Anon works for the families and friends of alcoholics. I know people who have attended meetings for 35, 40, even 50 years and they are some of the most balanced and happy people I know. Of course they will relate stories of life before Al-Anon, just as the AA will tell newcomers about when they hit their own bottom. And that’s one reason we “keep coming back,” is to help others who walk in the door not knowing why they are there, but only that they are in pain and are desperate to find help.

We all have to make up our own minds what we need.

 

[Irishmom2]

not clear why you think your father has a problem with drink ?

3 reasons given in the first post:

but i have been down that road and i know its not safe

continues to drink in secret…

please help it seems alchol plagues my family

 

[steph410]

Your father entering into heaven is not your responsibility; it’s his and only his; you cannot save him. Alcoholism is a disease and there are many treatments available to him but he has to do it on his own and until then you can pray for him and set a good example by living your faith. If Al-Anon doesn’t work for you, you can make an appointment and speak with a priest.

this answer is spot on. good luck.