How to deal with an ex that's come back?

[The_Otaku]

Hello. Anyone who has read my posts knows I’m long winded and have a hard time being concise, so please bare with me. XD

Anyways, recently an ex girlfriend has come back into my life over the internet. 7 seven years ago we had a relationship that started on the internet, but eventually developed into a real-life relationship. We loved eachother deeply, the relationship was excellent, we had no problems, and we were and still are practicing Catholics. However, it was a long distance relationship, and mostly because of that, we mutually decided to end it, by my suggestion. It was time for her to go off to college, and I didn’t want to tie her down by being with a guy in another state who might only be able to afford to meet her 3 times a year. I know that we should have put more thought into this BEFORE we fell in love, but hey, I wouldn’t be the first man to fall into this and I won’t be the last either.

Anyways, we had remained in contact for several months after the breakup and no hard feelings. She was in college and I was carrying on with my life as well. I was so in love with this woman that I actually felt my heart ache (a sharp pain) one day. I told her about it and what I felt it meant- that she had found someone else. She didn’t deny it, told me his name, etc. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t somehow devestated. Neither of us really wanted to end the relationship in the first place, but it was the best decision for a reason I’ll describe in a moment. Anyways, about a month after she got together with him, she suddenly stopped responding to my e-mails, and though I would wish her Merry Christmases, New Years, and birthdays, it went on like this for 7 years with no replies ever.

Then, fast forward to earlier this week. Out of the blue she contacted me with a somewhat lengthy apology for staying out of touch, she asked for my forgiveness, and wanted, if I would allow it, a friendship with her. I had always hoped God would return her to me in some form, and He did. So I accepted, with no hard feelings, and for the past couple of days, we’ve been catching up and we have now reestablished the friendship we had before.

HOWEVER, she has been married to the guy she was dating in college for a year and a half now. They have no children yet. This complicates our friendship, and we talked about this and how it would be best for us to limit how we interact with eachother on an affectionate level. We obviously cannot have it the same way we used to have, and we’re both fine with that. I don’t want to be a source of regret or temptation for her, and vice versa. We both feel God has pulled us back together because He knows the damage it caused for us to be apart. Both of us have suffered emotionally through the seperation and these past 7 years. We’re both in a better place now, she’ll be graduating medical school, and though I got a slow start in college and am older than her, I’m getting my education as well. Things are looking up for both of us, and having realized staying together would have impeded these developments in both our lives, this is why, 7 years ago we broke up. We did, at the time, what we thought was best, and now we can see the positive results of that decision. She is happily married with a promising career, and I’m a better, stronger person and more well-rounded than I’ve ever been in my life.

 

[The_Otaku]

(continued post from previous post):

You’re probably wondering what’s the problem then? Well, while it is true we have no desire to be romantic, and a physical affair would never happen for many reasons, I am concerned that because of our history we may re-develop (or should I say reestablish) an emotional attachment, which could very well develop into an emotional affair, which in my book is the same as committing adultery.

I create this thread to ask for others’ advice, especially those who have been in this situation. Any tips or advice or guidelines you can give that will enable us to keep our otherwise beautiful friendship from slipping into an emotional affair?

The only things I can think of currently are no roleplaying (things like poke or beeps nose) and silly things like that. These things, while silly and harmless, are not necessarily so in the minds of people who used to be romantic at one point. My concern is things like pokes and this and that will only remind us of the good times.

Should I seek to try and forget? Those were all cherished memories. I don’t think either of us can or wants to deny them. How do we put our past relationship in the proper context of a friendship today, in the present? The only thing that seems to have changed is the fact she’s married. The fact she’s married is a huge plus in that it gives us a definite barrier, but what else am I missing? Perhaps some of our married women on CAF want to chime in on this? How would you deal with an ex boyfriend whom you could have married had circumstances permitted, who is now back in your life, by your choosing? How would you maintain a relationship with him while not opening yourself up to temptation? Would you consider this too risky and tell him you’ve changed your mind and you should go your seperate ways, or do you think there’s a more flexible way of maintaining a deep friendship without pushing the envelope?

This may seem like common sense, but I’ve never been in this situation before. If she were single, we’d be back at square one, and we wouldn’t have to watch ourselves so much. I’m afraid to slip up and say something I shouldn’t, and I need to pray on this and ask God how I should handle this. Until He answers me though, any advice for a guy who just had this all dropped on him a few days ago? I went through a great deal of mental effort to put her behind me and allow the emotional scars of having let her go heal. But now that she’s back, after having felt the same pain and no longer being able to bear it, I’m not sure what to do.

One thing is certain: we need eachother in eachother’s lives. I don’t want to ruin this and neither does she. Just because we can’t be romantic like before doesn’t mean we can’t have fun and converse. While I believe God brought this reunion about, because He knew how happy it would make us both and the healing it would bring, I also believe that the Enemy is prowling around this situation, hoping to cause problems. I’m not stupid, I know that the spiritual realm is involved in this too, so I have to be onguard, both of us do. We’re aware of that, and so I’m asking for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!

 

[IrishAm]

You are setting yourself up to be deeply hurt in a pseudo-relationship that can be nothing more. Her sudden appearance indicates she has some struggles going on within her marriage or within herself. You need to distance yourself from her. Stick with Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. It is better for you all around.

 

[The_Otaku]

You are setting yourself up to be deeply hurt in a pseudo-relationship that can be nothing more. Her sudden appearance indicates she has some struggles going on within her marriage or within herself. You need to distance yourself from her. Stick with Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. It is better for you all around.

I considered this as a possibility for her sudden return. May I ask why you feel that it’s because she’s having marital problems? Or is that merely a hypothesis on your part? Are you trying to tell me she’s not completely over me?

The way she put it, she feels at fault for not having kept in contact and suddenly dropping me like that for 7 years. She also feels responsible for any pain that I’ve been caused, even though the breakup was mutual. I feel as though she’s apologizing for things that are not exactly her fault. I haven’t gotten around to asking her why (I don’t want to start badgering her when we just now reunited), but she does seem sincere and I don’t sense an motive behind this. I know her well enough to know she’s been wanting to do this all these years, but didn’t because she didn’t want to confuse me or lead me on. If she avoided me for that reason, and managed to do so for 7 years, why is that an issue now? Only in that she’s married, or have you considered she’s fractured in some other way and is using me as an escape? Is that what you’re suggesting? I’m not sure, and I don’t want to assume. I’m just trying to analyze what you’re saying and digest it properly.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[OraLabora]

Stay away.

First of all she is already in a bond of marriage with someone else. She owes him her 100% fidelity, and shouldn’t be out looking for opposite-sex friends. At best it can be an occasion of sin, at worse, emotional infidelity, which sometimes can be even more devastating than someone giving into temptation and being sexually unfaithful just once, as you accurately pointed out.

Secondly as pointed out you are setting yourself up for major heartache.

This is one of those rare occasions where showing your love for someone actually means not showing your love for that person, if you know what I mean. If you truly feel deeply about her, your feelings should be directed to what’s best for her, not to what you yourself wishes. And what’s best for her right now is to be faithful to her husband. One-hundred percent faithful.

So I suggest… go sit in silent Eucharistic adoration for a while, and let her go. Hand her over into the tender protection of Jesus our Lord. I know it will wrench you emotionally, but you need to get on with your healing from the initial break-up, which sounds like wasn’t the case.

Otherwise you’re playing footsie in a minefield, and setting things up for 3 people to get severely hurt.

And trust me I speak from experience on this.

 

[Della]

A big to all the advise you gotten, The Otaku. You have to nip this in the bud–I say that just to reinforce what others have said.

You need a life of your own. Get out with friends. Meet “real” people and interact with them. You know there’s nothing “safer” than a relationship you can’t really have because it keeps you from getting hurt all over again. I know from experience this is true. But, it’s not good for her and it’s not good for you.

You should give her the gentle push off. Wish her well, send them, note I didn’t say her, a Christmas card every year, but get on with your own life and let her do the same.

 

[The_Otaku]

Thank you all for your responses. They actually came faster than I anticipated.

I have an update. Her and I had a conversation shortly after I made this thread, by coincidence (she had just logged on at the time).

And I confronted her on this issue and asked her to tell me the truth, and she opened up and admitted she doesn’t love me and her heart and soul belong only to him. I’m a dear friend, and that’s all.

THAT is exactly what I wanted to hear, because I knew it’s what she had been trying to say but was avoiding because she didn’t want to hurt me. She’s very kind and puts herself through unnecessary pain for others. Now that I have the truth, that monkey is off my back. It’s what I needed and wanted to hear, and I feel more free now than I did in that 7 year period. Now that this is the case, I feel a major obstacle and temptation has been removed, and we can proceed as friends like before. We started off as just friends, there’s no reason to believe it can’t stay that way with prudence and good moral support. We’ve both grown spiritually and lead good lives.

Thank you for your concerns my friends. I’m grateful for your responses~

 

[Della]

Thank you all for your responses. They actually came faster than I anticipated.

I have an update. Her and I had a conversation shortly after I made this thread, by coincidence (she had just logged on at the time).

And I confronted her on this issue and asked her to tell me the truth, and she opened up and admitted she doesn’t love me and her heart and soul belong only to him. I’m a dear friend, and that’s all.

THAT is exactly what I wanted to hear, because I knew it’s what she had been trying to say but was avoiding because she didn’t want to hurt me. She’s very kind and puts herself through unnecessary pain for others. Now that I have the truth, that monkey is off my back. It’s what I needed and wanted to hear, and I feel more free now than I did in that 7 year period. Now that this is the case, I feel a major obstacle and temptation has been removed, and we can proceed as friends like before. We started off as just friends, there’s no reason to believe it can’t stay that way with prudence and good moral support. We’ve both grown spiritually and lead good lives.

Thank you for your concerns my friends. I’m grateful for your responses~

And what about her husband? What does he have to say about this? I can’t think he’s thrilled that his wife has contacted an old flame even if she has declared her undying love for her husband. It’s a mine field, especially since you don’t have a wife. You have to be practical here and think of the spouse, not just yourselves, you know.

 

[The_Otaku]

And what about her husband? What does he have to say about this? I can’t think he’s thrilled that his wife has contacted an old flame even if she has declared her undying love for her husband. It’s a mine field, especially since you don’t have a wife. You have to be practical here and think of the spouse, not just yourselves, you know.

I forgot to mention him. Actually, she told me that he knows about us and has known about our past relationship before they got serious. He also knows about this reunion and supports her continued friendship with me. He realizes she needs to set things right and that so do I. Sorry I forgot to mention that, it was a huge component of the equation and I left it out by accident. Sorry!