How to deal with boyfriend's porn addiction

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A close family member’s marriage ended when she found out her husband was addicted to
porn. She did not know when she married him, but it was a addiction he had had
since he was a young boy. Since she had a young daughter and son from her first
marriage, she did not trust him around them and she was devastated.
There are other situations I could mention, but please listen to those who tell you to walk
away. He might be able to conquer this demon, but it’s his battle not yours.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
You deal with it by making him your ex-boyfriend. Then you thank God you found out while there was still a chance to escape.

Seriously, don’t ever believe you can change anyone. What you see is what you get.
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Amen. Amen. Please spare yourself much hurt. The purpose of dating is to find out if you are both being called to the vocation of matrimony. It is serious business.
 
It is a little off-topic, sorry, but I think statistics say that at least 50% of men currently view porn at least once on a week. It is an epidemic, but I need to find the exact statistic…someone please post or message me with it if you know.
 
😦
What strikes me about this thread is it’s all about whether or not it affects marriage ,but not a word about the young women who are sucked into ,and what it does to them .
Marriage in the RCC can only mean something if ALL women are treated with respect,and the problem will never go away, as long as the macho culture in this institution, has been thoroughly routed .

Pope Francis at last seems to be dealing with this in some degree.
So deal with the ROOTS of pornography and maybe it will have less of a hold .

Although porno is in every culture it is in the US that it has gained such a hold ,and makes fortunes world wide.
Why ? In France where sex before marriage in a loving relationship is normal ,and certainly in the countryside, most marry their first Partner ,or at least their second chance ,but where there is a pretence ,that it is OK for a man ,but not for a woman to sleep with someone before marriage as in the Catholic Church, the failure is dramatic,and it has been going on for many years .
I know, because my cousins best friend before he went to Rome made sure he had ‘his experience’ before he went, with older women,who were written off as non marriageable,
as they had had sex with him or anyone . 😦

As a growing girl this had a profound effect on me .
 
I would break up and advise him to turn to whatever help he needs, such as Porn Addicts Anonymous, and not to put another woman in the spot he has put you until he has had some amount of time of “sobriety.”

Porn is so ubiquitous and so easily obtained in private that this is going to be very difficult for him to quit. If you decide to stay, don’t do it unless he gets outside help and goes to his sessions or meetings. Under no circumstances should you stay if he insists that in spite of his past failures he is going to beat this on his own. That is foolish.

Truly, I’d strongly urge you to break things off entirely until he gets clean, and then start from scratch later, if you decide to do that later. If you were already married, that might be a different matter. Also, know that there are women who can confront this without getting physically ill at the thought that this kind of cheating has been going on. You may not be the best choice of a spouse for someone who battles this particular addiction, not any more than if the smell of alcohol made you ill and you found out your boyfriend was an alcoholic.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
You deal with it by making him your ex-boyfriend. Then you thank God you found out while there was still a chance to escape.

Seriously, don’t ever believe you can change anyone. What you see is what you get.
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I wouldn’t be so rash. There are plenty of examples of wonderful men, husbands and fathers who had this addiction. I’ve seen many on “The Journey Home”.

The OP doesn’t give us enough information about the situation. She is intelligent and will hopefully be able to make the right decision. Love can conquer anything.
 
OP, I’m sorry that you and your boyfriend are going through this.

I hope and pray the Holy Spirit will guide you to make the best decision in your situation.

If I were you honestly though, I would tell your boyfriend that, “I will support you in your attempts to recover, but I can only do so as a friend.”

My ex has a drug addiction, not the same “drug of choice” as porn, but the same concept. He told me about it, about a month or two into our relationship. I never knew anyone with an addiction so I thought I could take on the role of “supportive girlfriend.” Over the course of 3 years he made promise after promise about getting better. Nothing changed. He made excuse after excuse for why he won’t get help, why he won’t get a job, why he won’t better himself in general. He has stolen things from me, my family, and his own family. He has put his own child in jeopardy more than once. I’ve come to realize that perhaps in his particular situation, he just doesn’t really want to change.

I’ve decided that I won’t date another person with an addiction no matter how sincere they seem.

OP, I will pray for you and your boyfriend. I believe he can overcome the addiction through the powerful grace of God. Yet, he has to really want that change for it to happen. There’s no way you can guarantee that the change will actually take place until if/when it actually happens.

God be with you ❤️
 
Hans_W said:
I wouldn’t be so rash. There are plenty of examples of wonderful men, husbands and fathers who had this addiction. I’ve seen many on “The Journey Home”.

The OP doesn’t give us enough information about the situation. She is intelligent and will hopefully be able to make the right decision. Love can conquer anything.
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I do not mean this as a condemnation of you, because I believe you only mean well, but I’m going to go really ballistic here.

No, no,* NO!* Romantic attachment can not “conquer anything”!! The world is littered with failed marriages and needless suffering–including suffering of innocent children!—that came about because people saw terrible flaws in a romantic relationship and decided to marry anyway because “Love Conquers All”!!! That is one of the most damaging pieces of total and obviously wrong-headed misinformation being spread in the world today. Then what happens when things don’t work out? Oh, then it is “well, it wasn’t true love, so it wasn’t meant to be…” People are encouraged to stay in ill-advised relationships by their well-meaning friends, and then when it is all over, the victim of this bad advice feels the false guilt of having not loved truly enough.

If they were married, that would be a different situation. As it is, they are not married. Let him make himself suitable material for marriage, then let him go look for a wife.

She might decide to stay, but whether she discerns one way or another, that says nothing about her “intelligence,” either. This is a matter that goes beyond the realm of the purely rational. Sometimes the gut knows what the pre-frontal cortex is too “intelligent” to grasp. She knows what her gut is telling her. If she wants to, she can get some serious counselling to decide what she wants to do, from someone who can listen to her dispassionately and guide her from a point of experience with this kind of problem. She should not be encouraged to think that “real” or “true” love would stick around for this. No. Decide based on whether a solid marriage can be realistically expected, knowing that anything less will only lead to misery for all involved. Deciding on that basis is what really true love must do.
 
SuperLuigi said:
He can get over this, Daily Mass and praying the rosary will help. 👍

Nothing is impossible—or unchangable in this case—with God. 👍👍
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This is true- but first the subject has to be wholly committed. Mine is not, unfortunately.
 
EasterJoy said:
I do not mean this as a condemnation of you, because I believe you only mean well, but I’m going to go really ballistic here.

No, no,* NO!* Romantic attachment can not “conquer anything”!! The world is littered with failed marriages and needless suffering–including suffering of innocent children!—that came about because people saw terrible flaws in a romantic relationship and decided to marry anyway because “Love Conquers All”!!! That is one of the most damaging pieces of total and obviously wrong-headed misinformation being spread in the world today. Then what happens when things don’t work out? Oh, then it is “well, it wasn’t true love, so it wasn’t meant to be…” People are encouraged to stay in ill-advised relationships by their well-meaning friends, and then when it is all over, the victim of this bad advice feels the false guilt of having not loved truly enough.

If they were married, that would be a different situation. As it is, they are not married. Let him make himself suitable material for marriage, then let him go look for a wife.

She might decide to stay, but whether she discerns one way or another, that says nothing about her “intelligence,” either. This is a matter that goes beyond the realm of the purely rational. Sometimes the gut knows what the pre-frontal cortex is too “intelligent” to grasp. She knows what her gut is telling her. If she wants to, she can get some serious counselling to decide what she wants to do, from someone who can listen to her dispassionately and guide her from a point of experience with this kind of problem. She should not be encouraged to think that “real” or “true” love would stick around for this. No. Decide based on whether a solid marriage can be realistically expected, knowing that anything less will only lead to misery for all involved. Deciding on that basis is what really true love must do.
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Amen, and amen!
 
Sugabee43 said:
Thanks, Rob. Unfortunately, after almost 22 yrs of marriage, it’s not looking good at this point. We are trying every suggestion given to us, but he’s convinced nothing will change. There’s more than just the addiction at play, but it’s the major one. Pray for us.
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I am so sorry and I will keep you in my prayers for sure. Again, my heart goes out to your situation.
 
ProdglArchitect said:
You are not his wife, so you are not obligated to stand by him through this. With that being said, as someone who is trapped in a similar addiction, I can tell you that the support of my wife has been invaluable to me. It is an incredibly difficult addiction to overcome, especially given the ease with which it can be accessed. If he’s serious about recovery, you should encourage him to seek out a support group.
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I have to second what this guy says… ultimately it is up to you whether to date him or not. Dating him would be the hard path. You will have to set up barriers for yourself. You will have to check with him and know the process of his recovery.

Also your boyfriend should not be trying to go at this alone with nothing but sheer willpower. He should be looking for help in accountability groups, spiritual direction, recovery groups, etc. He should be reading books. He should be finding outlets and game plans for what to do when temptation strikes. He should be changing his lifestyle, eat healthy and exercise more, etc. He should be reading the scriptures and praying regularly. This is serious business. Breaking porn addiction is one of the most difficult undertakings a man can experience. I would argue that most guys, Catholic and non-Catholic, have dealt with it (or are dealing with it) in some form or another in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to overcome such an addiction. Ask yourself whether or not you are up to dating a man in this condition. Be careful that he does not try to cross boundaries or act inappropriately with you; this is a temptation for a man who regularly indulges in sexually inappropriate behavior.

You will be in my prayers.
 
JamalChristophr said:
He is cheating on you. You can be patient with him if you so wish, but it’s not good. Give him a certain amount of time to break this addiction and if he does not…

Well, I think you know what you have to do.

A priest told me about this site. It seems very good, and is a means for men and women too, i suppose, to break various forms of sexual addiction:

www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com

1ke has given you very good advice.
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That site is phenomenal. I used it for a year and it helped me in ways that nothing else has. However it is a bit pricey, about 50 dollars a month. Only use it if you can afford it.
 
I’m actually surprised at the lack of charity in this thread. Yes it’s preferable not to marry someone with that kind of baggage but that doesn’t mean should does not have to help him.

Are we not our brother’s keeper? A fellow member of the body of Christ had been bound in chains of pornography and the advice is to just ‘dump him’? How about help him? He has made it obvious he wants to stop. She has the opportunity to save his soul and gain merit for her own soul.

I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers.
 
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

I believe my boyfriend is committed to ending this addiction. He recognizes the severity of the sin and I honestly think he wants to stop for the right reasons (not just for me, but for Christ). Before we started dating, he did not regularly receive the sacraments, but over the last year we have consistently gone to Mass together every week and he has started joining me for Confession. It was just before going to Confession that he revealed how heavily his sin had been weighing on him and how much he knew it was hurting our relationship without me even knowing it.

He has fallen once since then. I know that this addiction is difficult and I realize that it will not go away overnight. I love him very much and we have talked seriously of marriage over the last few months. Before I had the chance to insist that under no circumstances would I marry a man with this addiction, he assured me that marriage would be off the table until he is sure that he has conquered this.

I have taken all of your words to heart and am gravely considering assuming the role of his friend only while he battles this giant. It is something that I would appreciate your prayers with.
 
Saying “he will never change” leaves no room for God’s grace. People can and do change and can be free from sexual addiction.

The man needs a good counselor and needs to get into a 12 step program like Sexaholics Anonymous. sa.org/index.php

As for marriage, it’s not about whether the woman should or shouldn’t marry the man. It’s about the addicted man himself. One can’t get married by making a vow that one is incapable of fulfilling. A man addicted to porn is incapable of living his vow to forsake all others. A woman can love the addicted man with all her heart but a man addicted to porn has no business getting married.

-Tim-
 
Everybody is addicted to something. For some its an addiction to their ego. If we all held out for the perfect one we would all die alone and empty. This guy may not be her husband, but to write off a fellow Christian who IS making an effort to turn away from sin sounds very UN-Christ-like to me. Jesus didn’t walk away from those looking to escape sin. He did the exact opposite.
 
EasterJoy said:
I do not mean this as a condemnation of you, because I believe you only mean well, but I’m going to go really ballistic here.

No, no,* NO!* Romantic attachment can not “conquer anything”!! The world is littered with failed marriages and needless suffering–including suffering of innocent children!—that came about because people saw terrible flaws in a romantic relationship and decided to marry anyway because “Love Conquers All”!!! That is one of the most damaging pieces of total and obviously wrong-headed misinformation being spread in the world today. Then what happens when things don’t work out? Oh, then it is “well, it wasn’t true love, so it wasn’t meant to be…” People are encouraged to stay in ill-advised relationships by their well-meaning friends, and then when it is all over, the victim of this bad advice feels the false guilt of having not loved truly enough.

If they were married, that would be a different situation. As it is, they are not married. Let him make himself suitable material for marriage, then let him go look for a wife.

She might decide to stay, but whether she discerns one way or another, that says nothing about her “intelligence,” either. This is a matter that goes beyond the realm of the purely rational. Sometimes the gut knows what the pre-frontal cortex is too “intelligent” to grasp. She knows what her gut is telling her. If she wants to, she can get some serious counselling to decide what she wants to do, from someone who can listen to her dispassionately and guide her from a point of experience with this kind of problem. She should not be encouraged to think that “real” or “true” love would stick around for this. No. Decide based on whether a solid marriage can be realistically expected, knowing that anything less will only lead to misery for all involved. Deciding on that basis is what really true love must do.
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No need to go ballistic. I did not mean any romantic, superficial attachment. We are talking about real, deep love and caring for her boyfriend. People can do that even before getting married. She wouldn’t be the first one who can turn somebody around for the better. And I don’t seem to be the only one on this thread suggesting that.
 
Hans_W said:
No need to go ballistic. I did not mean any romantic, superficial attachment. We are talking about real, deep love and caring for her boyfriend. People can do that even before getting married. She wouldn’t be the first one who can turn somebody around for the better. And I don’t seem to be the only one on this thread suggesting that.
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Why would you think I meant a superficial love, when I talked about a romantic love? I meant to distinguish it from divine love. The problem isn’t that we don’t love enough. The problem is that we are not God.

I don’t think you realize how many sad marriage stories start with, “I knew this was a problem, but we thought that we were in love, and we’d get through it,” and end with a petition for a decree of nullity. What, do you think an invalid attempt at marriage is going to do this guy some favor?

As for “she wouldn’t be the first one who can turn somebody around for the better,” that is not what they teach in Al-Anon. What they teach in Al-Anon is called the three C’s: You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It." If she does not *totally *realize this going in, she had better not go in at all.
 
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