How to deal with cohabiting children

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To the OP. I think you are very wise to recognize that due to your emotions, you are probably not at a place to have a discussion right now. So keep working on your issues and praying to God.

I don’t have any kids so I have NO idea what it would feel like to find out your daughter is living with her boyfriend. But I am sure it is not a pleasant though.

Please don’t be upset about the following, it is just to suggest a different perspective. Is it possible you perhaps are taking it personally? If you really raised your daughter the way God instructed you to and she still chooses to live with her boyfriend, the mistake is not on you at all God gave your daughter free will and is not stepping in to do anything. You need to imitate God in the sense that you have to accept her choice but still pray to God to know how to help her come back to the church.

I hope I made my point the correct way

CM
 
Earlier this year we had the parable of prodigal son as the gospel. In his homily our parish priest made the point that after giving his son his freedom, the father didn’t run after him, or attempt in any way to change him, but was there for him when he returned.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Earlier this year we had the parable of prodigal son as the gospel. In his homily our parish priest made the point that after giving his son his freedom, the father didn’t run after him, or attempt in any way to change him, but was there for him when he returned.
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Very good point…I like that.
 
I think the prodigal son is a great example in a situation like this. While parents do not have to agree, or even respect, their children’s decisions (even decisions made as adults), they must be there for them with open arms when they return to a good, moral life.
I am will be 29 this fall, with a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and one on the way. Thankfully, I do not have to worry about this yet. However, I was the adult child in this situation 8 years ago. I lived with a girl I had liked since high school and had recently gotten together with. We moved in together. She was my first girlfriend and I loved her. My father did not approve of our living together and let me know his feelings. I was away from the church briefly at that time in my life as well, and he also disapproved of that. We had a long talk one night in which we both explained our views and left understanding each other’s points. He could have distanced himself from me, but I truley believe that that would have pushed me further away from the Church…in my story, I married the girl and we have been married for 5 and a half wonderful years. She is my soul mate.
However, now, after coming back to Church and having children, I see things in a different light. Though it has worked out for us, we shouldn’t have been living together. I only tell this story to show, though, how my dad handled it. He treated me as an adult, and though it pained him greatly, knew that I had to make my own mistakes and choices to help bring me back to the Church. 8 years ago I was the prodiagal son, and I was welcomed back with open arms…my advice is that no matter what you do, distancing could only make things worse…
 
If you have trouble communicating face to face, why don’t you try writing a letter? Or an email? And tell her all what you have told here on this forum… And I think you have got some excellent advice.

And apart from what was said, of course try fasting and prayer, book masses for them, and may the Lord lead you. For him nothing is impossible

God bless
 
No disrespect meant and all that, but sounds to me like you need to sort yourself out first before ‘interacting’ any further with your daughter. You risk losing her completely if you confront her from where you find yourself right now. Just my opinion…
 
Dear fannytemper,

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve been and am there, too, in fact. Two of my sons ‘cohabitated’ before marrying, and I won’t go into the long stories. We had to set hard rules and limits - for example, I wouldn’t visit them in their homes under such conditions, and they couldn’t stay in the same bedroom if they visited us. I had to make it plain that what they were going hurt me (and my husband, etc), but that it wasn’t because of it was a personal affront to my values and opinions, but because what they were doing was hurting them in relation to what God teaches and wants for them, as well as all people.

Thankfully, one son is now married in the church (his wife wasn’t Catholic, but converted). The other son married civilly, but isn’t a practicing Catholic anymore. His wife is something like a non-denominational Christian (her words), but they don’t attend a church anywhere. They have a one year old daughter, who has not been baptized. We still do not visit their home, and when they are here, even though they can stay in a bedroom, it’s still not very comfortable - simply because our home is so Christian/Catholic centered, and they are not. They stay for maybe one or two days and then leave. As it is, they are currently separated, too. We do treat them with respect and keep in touch with them through letters and e-mails, but always, always encourage each of them to seek God and his Guidance above all else… and of course, we pray, constantly (for them, as well as the other son’s family). I have one son who is currently a religious, discerning that walk of life as well as a possible call to the priesthood. Other than that, we have a 12 yr old daughter, who is still at home.

I know how hard it is to stay true to your convictions and your faith and love of God, and most especially when the discension is within your own family. Staying away from non-practicing Catholics and those who live immoral lives in general, is easier, I know. But even so, as my priest counseled me - there comes a time, when we must give up ‘brother, sister, mother, father, etc…’ to follow Christ. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them and pray for them, and with God’s help, talk to them. Just that we can’t ‘associate’ with them, as we would if they were in communion with the Church and God as they need to be - not for our sakes - but for their own.

God bless.
 
Love them and pray for them. When they’re grown you have few if any other options. However, chances are that if they are raised to love God and to see Him as the answer to whatever problems come their way, then it is unlikely that they will fall into the contemporary mode of the day – living together unmarried. If they do separate themselves from God, the separation will most likely be of short duration. Their souls have been conditioned to love, need, and serve God. As St. Augustine says, “My soul is restless 'til it rests in Thee.”
 
I’m 25 years old and have been living in my own apartment with my older sister (she’s 27) for a few years now (since I was 22 about). I have worked full-time since graduating college and my sister was able to just find a full-time position at a store in January (it took a long time for her to land this job). We’ve been splitting the bills 50/50 for awhile until my sister ran out of money and then I had to begin paying for everything— I’m a teacher with two school loans so I was making just enough to survive. When my sister got her job, she HAD to be buy a car but its going to take her a long time to pay it off. And I just entered into my Master’s program because when applying for a new job (I was laid off after this past school year, but I found something new for Sept.) schools were expecting me to have it.

So at this point its come to the point of where I can’t afford to cover all of my bills and I’m terrified of ruining my credit. After having a long discussion with my boyfriend, we decided if he moved in it would help us all cover the bills much easier and would allow us to save up money for a wedding (something practical and SMALL) and buy a house eventually. That are the goals we have right now and why he is living with me.

We are both practicing Catholics and attend Sunday Mass. I don’t think that just because your daughter is living with her boyfriend that she needs to be labeled as some horrible sinner. Instead of being angry about this, you should be praying for her and her boyfriend. Pray for their relationship, pray that they would get married sooner rather than never, and you can even pray that God would change their hearts about this situation if that is really what you think is right.

As for the distancing yourself: please do not do that to your child. Since you don’t know WHY they decided to cohabit with one another (perhaps its a similar situation as mine-- not saying its right, but its how we live), you don’t know what situation they’re both in. My Mom was ready to disown me when I told her I wanted to marry my boyfriend (which is honestly why we’re not yet married at this point, we’ve been waiting to have my parents’ blessing, which we recently received and now are engaged) and it killed me inside. I couldn’t give up on the person God has clearly blessed me to be a wife to and I couldn’t give up on my own mother that God has blessed me with. I won’t go into the details of how it made me feel, but it was awful. I prayed four years about it until recently we were blessed with an answer and I feel so very much better about the situation. I don’t think you want to hurt your daughter because of this situation— she’s an adult, so please talk to her like she’s an adult.

If you do talk to her, ask her if there are “rules” that have been set up, such as:
– Are they having sex?/ Are they allowed to see each other naked?
– Where are they sleeping?

Perhaps they have at least put some ground rules into the relationship where they may be moral by not sleeping with one another or by not having sex.

The bottom line is this: just because of this ONE situation does not mean she’ll be damned to hell or that she’s a horrible Catholic. No its not the best living situation and I wish I didn’t have to be in it myself, but this earthly life makes terrible demands on young adults and we’re just trying to survive.
 
My wife and I “cohabitated” for about a month before we were married simply because it was much easier due to job situations, moving out of state, etc… We dated for 7 years prior to this while I and her were completing college. Just to clarify, we have just stepped into the conversion process from Protestant to Catholic recently, but we fully understood that what we were doing was probably not “morally right”, but our parents both displayed no issues due to the difficulties we would have otherwise.

Now, my response to the OP:

Our mission is to LOVE… To use a way overused Protestant cliche’, What Would Jesus Do? Would he distance himself from his own? Would he abandon his own? Would he let it bother him to such an extent as even want to not let her cut his hair? I think his response would be to display his abounding love and forgiveness, not in direct chastisement or scolding but, rather, by showing that nothing, “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Just from reading your posts, it seems to me that your daughter’s problem is rooted in a faith/belief that is lacking, after all, Jesus said, “if you love me, you will follow my commandments”. Start with helping her with her faith… Faith will produce righteousness, righteousness will not produce faith…
 
Same situation with my sister. She was 19?, her first boyfriend of 6 months, didn’t tell us she was moving in with him, but fabricated roommates names, personalities, and situations to lie to us about for 5 months. Our other sister knew after 1 month and kept it from us (raised Catholic but rejected it). It is about 2 and a half years later, both are graduated from college, neither has a stable good job and does not appear they will get married anytime soon.
Statistically, they are ripe for a divorce, before they are even married.
I pity the situation, and am very disappointed in them, but neither of them practice religion and you can only let them know how you feel and leave it at that.
It is their salvation, or not.
Christ said He came to divide us. As long as they are alive though the have the opportunity for repentance.
As far as younger siblings, we have stressed to our youngest sister how disrespectful he is treating her and herself as well; and do not allow her to spend sleepovers or anything at their apartment. She can see her, at home, or out to the movies, but cannot be at their place for a visit for an extended period of time.
 
snowbee said:
Statistically, they are ripe for a divorce, before they are even married.
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It really bothers me that people keep trying to make this argument. A correlation does not imply causation. Just because divorce and cohabitation are correlated doesn’t mean that cohabitation leads to or has any effect on divorce. There’s likely a common issue that leads to both (lack of seriousness about commitment or lack of Catholic beliefs).

That said, I don’t think it’s a good thing for anyone to do (it causes scandal and is therefore sinful); I just don’t like the obviously incorrect argument about divorce statistics.
 
CoffeeHound said:
It really bothers me that people keep trying to make this argument. A correlation does not imply causation. Just because divorce and cohabitation are correlated doesn’t mean that cohabitation leads to or has any effect on divorce. There’s likely a common issue that leads to both (lack of seriousness about commitment or lack of Catholic beliefs).

That said, I don’t think it’s a good thing for anyone to do (it causes scandal and is therefore sinful); I just don’t like the obviously incorrect argument about divorce statistics.
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Exactly. It makes me so very fearful and anxious that because my boyfriend and I are living together that we might end up divorced. But I know there is SOO much more to it than just that. When half of the marriages are ending in divorce, I know marriage is something that he and I will always have to work on (mind you we’ve been together for 4 years and have only been living together recently).

Telling a person that is cohabiting they may get divorced because of it won’t make them want to change… talking about what God teaches may very well help them to realize they need to at least set some ground rules about living together.
 
Angelic_Rose said:
Exactly. It makes me so very fearful and anxious that because my boyfriend and I are living together that we might end up divorced. But I know there is SOO much more to it than just that. When half of the marriages are ending in divorce, I know marriage is something that he and I will always have to work on (mind you we’ve been together for 4 years and have only been living together recently).

Telling a person that is cohabiting they may get divorced because of it won’t make them want to change… talking about what God teaches may very well help them to realize they need to at least set some ground rules about living together.
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I agree…this statistic doesn’t mean much to me either. I have always thought that it could be because the people who are likely to not cohabit before marriage because of their religious beliefs are also the same people who are maybe more likely to stay in an unhappy marriage also because of their religious belief. Just because they might remain married doesn’t mean they are happy in that marriage after all.
 
Angelic_Rose said:
Telling a person that is cohabiting they may get divorced because of it won’t make them want to change… talking about what God teaches may very well help them to realize they need to at least set some ground rules about living together.
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I don’t want to imply that cohabitation is good. I think there’s something to be said mentally about starting a completely new life when you’re married (new house, new husband, new experiences) that’s healthy and helps you adjust to the new situation.

To attempt to invent other reasons why cohabitation is morally wrong or dangerous (such as that it increases divorce rates) doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s scandalous and therefore sinful. That should be enough.
 
I guess I’ll never quite understand why any woman would wish to be an unpaid prostitute for any man. In the old days, I think her father would have told the guy that he didn’t want to see him anywhere near his daughter unless and until he had honorable intentions toward her. He might even have challenged him to a duel.
 
“I’ll never quite understand why any woman would wish to be an unpaid prostitute for any man” - that is quite harsh. Why do you only focus on the woman’s sins?
 
ljvt said:
“I’ll never quite understand why any woman would wish to be an unpaid prostitute for any man” - that is quite harsh. Why do you only focus on the woman’s sins?
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OK, I’m also distressed that men have so little honor as to use a woman as an unpaid prostitute while refusing them marriage. I’m also distressed that women’s dads too often seem to be OK with that.

It has also been said that men will live up to, or down to, women’s expectations of them, which at this particular moment in history seem rather minimal.
 
In response to the OP, I’m so sorry you are in a situation that is so hurtful to you at the moment.

The greater concern seems to be that your daughter is cutting herself off from God, as she developes a closer relationship with Jesus then her views may change.

I suggest would praying for her and encouraging her to become more involved with her faith. Also to stand by her and be a mother to her despite the hurt she is causing you. It is harder road to be sure but ultimately what we are called to do as Christians.

What would Jesus do?

Good luck to you and your family
 
May I ask what is wrong with cohabitation while still remaining abstinence?
 
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