How to deal with emptiness in marriage?

[Saturn5]

My friends on CAF…I’m not sure necessarily if this is a plea for help or more of a rant.

My wife has been struggling in our marriage for several years now. Like many men on here in similar situations, I realized that I had responsibility in that and opened my heart fully to Christ. Putting Jesus first in my life has saved me from doing anything stupid or more damaging in my marriage. I love my wife unconditionally now. But that doesn’t change the feeling of emptiness or pain of abandonment from her. I guess that’s where I’m struggling right now.

My wife’s struggle in our marriage right now is the “I love you but I’m not ‘in’ love with you” syndrome. I know in my heart there is nothing I can do to change her. All I can do it pray for her, treat her as my wife, date her, show her respect, etc, etc. And I do all that with a smile on my face…but with a huge hole in my heart. It has been years now without any physical intimacy. It can be months before I might hear any kind of a compliment. (example, a few weeks ago I came out wearing a shirt I know she likes. She said to me, “I like that color”. Not I like that color on you, or you look good in that…just I like that color. For her, that’s a compliment to me. There is nothing ever personalized toward me in the comment).

I find myself envious of the affection she shows our children. I will give her a hug if I am leaving somewhere. I get a half – hearted hug back with her looking off in the distance. My children, right behind me, get the full on squeeze and I love you.

Three weeks ago I sent a card to her work. Just something she would get in the mail with an uplifting message and a few words from me on my belief in her and my commitment to her. I never heard a word from her about it. Not a thank you, nothing.

My wife grew up watching a verbally abusive marriage. Her father had open affairs that she and her sisters witnessed. I suspect there was potentially other more damaging things that may have happened to her or she witnessed but I don’t know as she has never said much to me about that portion of her childhood.

We have been married over 12 years, have two beautiful children and looking at us from the outside, a great life. I pray every day for her as well as say a rosary. I ask for strength myself. Sometimes I feel I’m being so selfish for basically having a pretty good life. But feeling that emptiness in my heart, because my beautiful wife, who committed her life to me, is hardly able to give me a kiss goodbye each day.

The thing I worry about too is how our children view our marriage and what they are learning from observation. My daughter already will withhold affection as a weapon if she is angry. I don’t know if that’s something she’s observed or just how kids “normally” react. Both of them will make comments about “mom being the boss”. I feel like I am constantly correcting that mom and I make decisions together (although that’s generally not the case. I guess I’m attempting to correct their assumption of what they are seeing in our marriage). They see me always planning the date nights, showering my wife with affection, doing things for her and helping. They don’t see her helping me. If I ever do ask my wife for help, it’s usually take 3 or 4 requests before she reacts (….or sadly I give up)
Like I said, I’m thinking this is more of a rant on my part due to my frustration. I know God will fix this. I trust in Him. I have faith and I have hope. But I still have a big hole in my heart. I guess Christ has that same hole in His heart when we fail Him. So like Christ, I will continue to love my wife unconditionally. I will continue to do all the things I did for her when we were dating and I will pray like crazy for her. I know there is a battle going on. I call on St. Michael all the time. It’s like I’m in God’s army and the more I pray the more ammunition I can get to St. Michael. I don’t want to fail him or the Lord.

And to all my brothers and sisters in similar situations, I keep you in my prayers as I understand your sorrow and know what a burden this is. Any advice or prayers are welcome. Oh and I do discuss this situation with my priest and my wife “tried” counselling with me for about 4 months back a few years ago, but when it started to force her to look at her behaviors, she quit. So to her, she’s tried everything.

God bless.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Friend…

You have just described my first marriage to a ‘T’. I hate to imagine anyone else going through this, but I know there are plenty of men in this situation.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you”…Ughh. what a BS statement. Too many false notions of marriage and romance novels.

I will pray for you. I know how difficult it all is!!
You are doing the right thing, and all I can say is keep on doing it!

 

[mountee]

You have my prayers for a complete restoration of your marriage. I recently read a study that said people who felt they were in a bad marriage but stayed together, five years later they reported they were happy again. I hope that encourages to continue, God bless you.

 

[maltmom]

I will pray for you and your family. It sounds like you are doing the right things. She’s hardened her heart to you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. You have people here who will pray for you who have been in the same situation.

 

[marlap2]

I’m so very sorry that you are going through this trial. It makes me sincerely cry.
I will pray for you and your wife.

Peace, Faith, Fortitude.

 

[hurting]

Please keep praying and fight with all you can the bitterness that can creep into your life when dealing with a situation. A great deal of what you describe sounds a lot like my marriage with the exception that I was not able to let the bitterness get the best of me.

I think it’s hard for some to understand just how crushing it can be to be treated as an afterthought by one’s spouse.

 

[Lancer]

First…prayers for you and your wife…especially at Holy Mass and in Holy Communion.

Second…you are being heroic…make no mistake about it…you are teaching your children the greatest lesson about the covenantal love that God calls us to in marriage…a lesson that is lost in society and is nearly voiceless in our Church today, especially in America/The West…and this the most important lesson you can teach them about what a Sacramental Marriage is…in its most fundamental essence.

Third…I would recommend prayers (aphorism-type**) to Blessed Mother Mary and Saint Joesph…incessantly asking very specifically for the to intercede with this request to Our Lord Jesus:…

“…make my marriage what you want it to be and make it comply with the will of God The Father.”

**Aphorism

The word aphorism (literally “distinction” or “definition”, from the Greek: ἀφορισμός, aphorismós ap-horizein “from-to bound”) denotes an original thought, spoken or written in a laconic and easily memorable form. The genre is also known as “maxim”.

Fourth…pray the Rosary…daily… without fail…remembering what now Venerable (Beatification process is under way) Sister Lucie (1907-2005+), the older child Fatima Seer who actually spoke with the Blessed Mother at Fatima and again on two more occasions on personal visions to Mary and Jesus ( After the Fatima apparitions, and subsequent personal visions of the Virgin in 1923 and 1929, Lucie Dos Santos entered religious life-- first in Spain and later, in 1948, as a Carmelite in Portugal catholicculture.org/news/features/index.cfm?recnum=35248
said:

Sister Lucia:
The Most Holy Virgin in these last times in which we live has given a new efficacy to the recitation of the Holy Rosary. She has given this efficacy to such an extent that there is no problem, no matter how difficult it is, whether temporal or above all, spiritual, in the personal life of each one of us, of our families, of the families of the world, or of the religious communities, or even of the life of peoples and nations that cannot be solved by the Rosary. There is no problem I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary.
fatima.ageofmary.com/rosary/

FYI, the other two Seers…Francisco and Jacinta Marto were beatified by Pope John Paul in ceremonies that took place at Fatima on May 13, 2000-- the anniversary of the first apparition there. Both Francisco and Jacinta had died in their youth-- in 1919 and 1920, respectively. Sister Lucia made a rare journey outside the Carmelite cloister to take part in the ceremony.
catholicculture.org/news/features/index.cfm?recnum=35248​

Lastly, I was taught that the Holy Spirit is the God who “carries” us on/through our spiritual journey and all phases of our temporal (life) journey to God…and it is like a railway train circuit that He (Holy Spirit) travels with only three stops…Calvary, The Empty Tomb and The Beatific Vision in Heaven…so you may clearly feel…and may truly be at one of the Calvary “stops” now…but the other two stops will definitely come…both in this life and the life to come.

For your consideration…
Pax Christi

 

[Aggies08]

Have you suggested the idea of a marriage counselor? Perhaps to try and at least find out why she feels this way?

 

[Saturn5]

Have you suggested the idea of a marriage counselor? Perhaps to try and at least find out why she feels this way?

Oh yes, we went to a counselor for about 4 months back 2 years ago. I learned some things about my wife that I didn’t know until then. The counselor was christian based, but not Catholic unfortunately. But even if she was Catholic, I doubt my wife would have continued. As I mentioned above, once it got difficult for her, pointing out behaviors she needed to change, she quit in a proverbial heartbeat.

My wife watched her father verbally abuse her mother for her entire childhood (he still does). My wife will look you square in the eye and tell you her father is good father, but a horrible husband. She does not understand the two cannot be mutually exclusive. Her father had multiple affairs while she was growing up. Something as horrific as one of the women coming to her parents house at dinner and telling everyone she was going to take her father away from all that misery. After a childhood like that, it’s no wonder she can’t trust men.

Our marriage is the longest relationship she’s ever had and it started going south at about year 7 in our marriage. I saw it coming a mile away and immediately jumped into “fix it” mode. I did the typical male response. I read tons of books, went online, found us the counselor, you name it. Everything I tried met the same brick wall. We’re both cradle Catholics, but it isn’t until something truly difficult hits that it makes you focus on your faith. God was never the central point of our marriage up until that point. I was beyond frustration and sorrow when I had my turning point. Suddenly when I put Christ as the first priority, “things” started to get easier. I read more Catholic faith-based books and TOB. It was like my eyes were opened for the first time. I dove into “fixing” me instead of us. And here we are today.

I love my wife tremendously. I did before, but now it’s a depth of love I never knew possible! I pray a Rosary for her everyday, started well over a year ago (it was sporadic before that). Mary has lead me to a new strength as well. I truly feel the Lord will fix our marriage, I have faith and hope. It’s just sometimes rejection after rejection (and I’m not talking about physical intimacy…I gave up on that long ago. I’m talking about general courtesies…) the enemy can plant some doubt in my heart. He knows pride is weakness of mine and he goes right to core of that. I’ll see something, a receipt I don’t recognize, a phone number on the caller ID, or my wife texting “too long” and I could be “off to the races” with doubt again.

That doubt causes the emptiness to bubble up and causes the frustration to increase. I have to rein myself back in with prayer. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve grab my Rosary, tears streaming dowm my face saying I’m sorry over and over to Christ. We all want to walk in the peaks with Jesus, but it’s walking in the valley with Him where we learn the most.

There are “hints” of better things to come. My wife’s father has had some medical issues the last few months. We will say the Lord’s Prayer for him together if I suggest it. She wouldn’t do that before. And ironically, she will say prayers together with our children before bed every night! She has done that since day 1 when we started that with them. But if I suggest doing it for our marriage, she will tell me prayer is a private matter. She has wolven a terribly complex set of rules she has to live within!

And I don’t want this to come across as I’m some sort of saint either. I know I can be opinionated, stubborn and bull-headed myself. I have plenty of logs in my eye that I have to remove! But I think the difference is I know they are there and I have to continually forgive my wife for all the things I think she’s hurt me with.

Thank everyone for your prayers!! They are being answered as I feel stronger already!

 

[horselvr]

After reading this I need a tissue. I feel so badly for anyone that is trying to hold a marriage together by themselves. Very sad.

Stay close to Christ and I will remember to prayer for you.

 

[constantconvert]

I’m in a very similar situation, going on year 22 of my marriage. All we can do is pray and try to be the best spouse we can be. Sometimes when I think I can’t go on I remember that THREE of us are in this covenant. I try to imagine Jesus as my spouse, and treat him as such. You might try imagining Mary as your spouse sometimes-- whatever kindnesses that go unappreciated, offer them up to her.

I will say a rosary for you tonight. You might see if she’d be willing to do Retrouville. We were supposed to go next month, but had something come up financially.

 

[Saturn5]

I’m in a very similar situation, going on year 22 of my marriage. All we can do is pray and try to be the best spouse we can be. Sometimes when I think I can’t go on I remember that THREE of us are in this covenant. I try to imagine Jesus as my spouse, and treat him as such. You might try imagining Mary as your spouse sometimes-- whatever kindnesses that go unappreciated, offer them up to her.

I will say a rosary for you tonight. You might see if she’d be willing to do Retrouville. We were supposed to go next month, but had something come up financially.

Thank you for your prayers!

I would love to go to Retrouville with my wife! I have suggested it a few times. She’ll just look at me and say “It isn’t going to change how I feel”.

My wife believes in chemistry and romance. She does not understand that love is a verb (even though she demonstrates it daily with our children). We had chemistry and romance when we were first dating and married. I did things to sweep her off her feet. Well, marriage can’t be that way all the time and although I did (and continue to do) things like that to court my wife, it now falls on deaf ears.

Sadly, like an alcoholic, I think my wife has to hit rock bottom. She isn’t there yet. She lives in this unemotional world. Never really happy, but never really sad. She’s a middle child, always trying to keep peace. She’s internalized that, how to keep peace with herself. She really can’t give herself 100% to me because she doesn’t want to be hurt (that preception that I will do to her like her father did to her mother). But she can never be really happy because she can never give herself to me 100%.

That’s why I pray for her to open her heart to Jesus. No counselor, book or me can tell her what to do. She has to decide for herself. Of course I’m there for her, but the only one that can truly save her is Christ.

 

[Saturn5]

I’m in a very similar situation, going on year 22 of my marriage. All we can do is pray and try to be the best spouse we can be. Sometimes when I think I can’t go on I remember that THREE of us are in this covenant. I try to imagine Jesus as my spouse, and treat him as such. You might try imagining Mary as your spouse sometimes-- whatever kindnesses that go unappreciated, offer them up to her.

I will say a rosary for you tonight. You might see if she’d be willing to do Retrouville. We were supposed to go next month, but had something come up financially.

Oh and I will include you in my prayers today. I am so sorry you are in a similiar situation.

 

[m_crane]

You wife is going though a phase of growing in a real marriage. What she is expressing is a real part of what married people go through. To not accept this new phase of the marriage is a part of immaturity. She wants the feelings but those kind of feelings don’t last. If she says she loves you then she is just going to have to live with this new kind of love, in it she will learn what true love is.
Personally, I think this may be where a lot of marriages fail, when those feelings subside. Marriage is not always about loving feelings, it’s commitment to another person. In this part of marriage we empty ourselves of our own selfness to make room for truely loving the other person. If we allow God to work in us, we come out with a deeper truer love for our spouse.

I’ve been where your wife is (for me it lasted about five years off and on) after that I began to deeply love my husband, so much so that dread the day I may part from him.
I only hope that the day one of us passes away that God with give the other the grace to bear that part of marriage too.

Pray for grace for your wife to bear this phase so that she can have what God wants her to have .

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh yes, we went to a counselor for about 4 months back 2 years ago. I learned some things about my wife that I didn’t know until then. The counselor was christian based, but not Catholic unfortunately. But even if she was Catholic, I doubt my wife would have continued. As I mentioned above, once it got difficult for her, pointing out behaviors she needed to change, she quit in a proverbial heartbeat.

I’m in the same position, only with my husband. We’ve gone to counseling twice now, and both times, whenever the focus turned toward his background and changes HE could make, his travel schedule got too busy and we had to stop. Funny how that works…I was the one who arranged for the counseling, made appointments, etc. and I have decided that from now on, I won’t do that any more. It feels too much like me forcing solutions, and dragging him to counseling. I’m the one who reads all the books, looks for retreats, workshops, etc. and he just keeps on the way he always has.

What I decided to do is go to a counselor myself. I have done counseling several times during my life and learned a lot every time. I arranged it through Catholic Charities and it’s held at a nearby parish social ministries office. I really wanted confirmation that my husband is at fault for everything, but what happened is that I have to look at my own choices as well. I think that means I have a good counselor!

My husband has mentioned counseling again, but he does nothing to get the ball rolling, so who knows when or if we will go. I’m not going to push it.

You’ll be in my prayers.

 

[Saturn5]

You wife is going though a phase of growing in a real marriage. What she is expressing is a real part of what married people go through. To not accept this new phase of the marriage is a part of immaturity. She wants the feelings but those kind of feelings don’t last. If she says she loves you then she is just going to have to live with this new kind of love, in it she will learn what true love is.

Pray for grace for your wife to bear this phase so that she can have what God wants her to have .

This is truly insightful for me. Reflecting on your comment, I agree it is a level of immaturity. The only experience we have with marriage…is just that, marriage. You can be told what to expect, but until you actually experience it, you have no benchmark to compare it too.

Was there a specific turning point for you, an event or trigger that caused to pause for a moment to reasset your marriage? Or was it a gradual thing that your husband just kept loving you unconditionally?

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Sounds like my marriage. I know it’s painful and you see other couples and think, Why can’t I have that?!?!!

You all are in my prayers. :grouphug: