How to deal with family cursing?

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Hope_Philomena

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Warning, rant ahead.
My family has very, very, very vulgar language. At least 78.2% of their words in their sentences are profanities. I used to be like this as well, since I grew up around this kind of language. But a few years ago, I stopped cussing unless extremely angry when I cannot control myself.

But my dad, mom, and sister continue to cuss too much. My 17 year old sister especially; it’s almost on the level of coprolalia, except she is only like this around family and friends. It’s not uncontrollable, she just chooses not to control it in certain situations. When she greets me when I enter a room with her, she says “Hey slu…” “Hi fa…” “F-ing bitc…” (Sorry) She just says these things, over and over, grinning and laughing as she does so because she very well knows that I hate it. It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out. She repeats the curse words, trying to get a reaction out of me, and many times, she does. It’s so difficult to control my anger when she is using the number one thing that upsets me and never ceases to do so.

And my parents do nothing. Sorry to sound like a whining teenager, but my parents do not do a single thing and they themselves know this. I try to get them to see that my sister has a problem and that she is doing everything in her power to make me curse right back at her. They see, since she does it in front of them. And they laugh. They smile and chuckle when she calls me the thing that rhymes with poor and begins with a W, because they think it’s funny. I try to make them see how much it hurts me, but they say there’s nothing they can do, they can’t control her, etc. But I think to myself, maybe if you showed disapproval at her constant swearing, instead of laughing along with her, she would get the message.

My parents cuss at me too, mostly when they’re angry. We will be having a little argument, and my dad’s immediate reaction to conflict is the phrase, “Well, f… you” and a cigarette. I can’t stand this, I really can’t take it any longer. I am trapped with this until I’m an adult; it’s like I’m in a hot tub full of sins and I can stay strong as long as I’m above water, but my family’s words keep shoving my head into the water and holding me down.
How am I supposed to deal with this? I know that we will always be surrounded by people and things that will test us, but when you’re an adult you are able to use many means to avoid problematic people. What about your own family, who you are with every single day? How do I get through this?

Apologies for the swear word demonstrations, I was just trying to make my point. I can take them out if necessary.
 
This is difficult…

Okay lets take a look and be real here, the chances of you changing your sister and parents into people who no longer swear is something very unlikely. Instead I would focus more on yourself. Why does this make you angry? If you are able to figure this out and be able to control it you could have peace for yourself.

I’m the eldest of 8 kids, so I know what you mean when you say that they do stuff to purposely make you angry.

For example, (I know this is going to sound really weird) my brother would intentionally walk up to me and fart on me. Now I know it sounds really stupid but he would do it just to see me get angry, and boy did I ever.

But when I saw how much stress this stupid thing is putting on my life, I asked myself, why give him the attention? I knew that my anger was all that he was looking for. Instead of getting angry I decided to offer up my anger to God at those moments and let Him deal with it.

But then again there are those time when you do not have enough time to offer up those prayers before you blow up in a fit of rage. So to fix that I say a prayer each morning asking God to just give me enough time to remember and say that prayer before I get sinfully angry.

Hope this helped, and remember if you ever need someone to talk and to just rant and vent my pm is always open!

God Bless,
ChurchSuffering
 
Hope_Philomena said:
Warning, rant ahead.
My family has very, very, very vulgar language. At least 78.2% of their words in their sentences are profanities. I used to be like this as well, since I grew up around this kind of language. But a few years ago, I stopped cussing unless extremely angry when I cannot control myself.

But my dad, mom, and sister continue to cuss too much. My 17 year old sister especially; it’s almost on the level of coprolalia, except she is only like this around family and friends. It’s not uncontrollable, she just chooses not to control it in certain situations. When she greets me when I enter a room with her, she says “Hey slu…” “Hi fa…” “F-ing bitc…” (Sorry) She just says these things, over and over, grinning and laughing as she does so because she very well knows that I hate it. It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out. She repeats the curse words, trying to get a reaction out of me, and many times, she does. It’s so difficult to control my anger when she is using the number one thing that upsets me and never ceases to do so.

And my parents do nothing. Sorry to sound like a whining teenager, but my parents do not do a single thing and they themselves know this. I try to get them to see that my sister has a problem and that she is doing everything in her power to make me curse right back at her. They see, since she does it in front of them. And they laugh. They smile and chuckle when she calls me the thing that rhymes with poor and begins with a W, because they think it’s funny. I try to make them see how much it hurts me, but they say there’s nothing they can do, they can’t control her, etc. But I think to myself, maybe if you showed disapproval at her constant swearing, instead of laughing along with her, she would get the message.

My parents cuss at me too, mostly when they’re angry. We will be having a little argument, and my dad’s immediate reaction to conflict is the phrase, “Well, f… you” and a cigarette. I can’t stand this, I really can’t take it any longer. I am trapped with this until I’m an adult; it’s like I’m in a hot tub full of sins and I can stay strong as long as I’m above water, but my family’s words keep shoving my head into the water and holding me down.
How am I supposed to deal with this? I know that we will always be surrounded by people and things that will test us, but when you’re an adult you are able to use many means to avoid problematic people. What about your own family, who you are with every single day? How do I get through this?

Apologies for the swear word demonstrations, I was just trying to make my point. I can take them out if necessary.
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This reminds me of that one Simpson’s episode where Homer used a “swear jar”, paid everytime he swore. It was cute, funny, but the trick would be persuading someone to want to change.

Some people do this because they were raised in a family where it was very normal to use really bad language. Then later, I think it becomes a habit! Some find it humorous.

My boyfriend uses some bad language, and once, he was telling me the language his father, and MOTHER used with him! Gosh!

It was to a point I didn´t know if I wanted to even go out with him once I got to see how he spoke. Then, a friend talked to me, said her good friend is a VERY good person, BUT uses a lot of bad language. However, despite that, my friend said that nonetheless, foul language and all, she was a WONDERFUL person.

So, I reconsidered my position and kept seeing my boyfriend. I don´t think I’ve ever really even talked to him about his language. I just leave him be, now.

My sister, one time, tried to approach my father, ask him if he still swore, to which he just laughed. She said it was against the first commandment, that she hoped he had stopped, now. I think my father basically had stopped, though.

I really don´t know how much success you’ll have trying to change your family. In my family, if I swore, I would have gotten my mouth washed out with detergent! My mother wouldn´t allow it, but my father swore, anyway. What can we do?

They’d all have to somehow first realize it was a problem. Until they are to that point, I don´t think there’s much you can do.

I have a friend who was in the merchant marine, also later, the army. So, he learned to curse and swear like a sailor! Once, his father handed him a dictionary and said if he couldn’t think of another word to express himself, there it was…(or one could also use a thesaurus, I suspect! 😉 ).

There is always the Serenity Prayer! 😉
 
I have sometimes gotten people to stop using strong language by humor. I have said things like, “Now don´t you be talking like a caveman!” 😉

Often, I get people to laugh and actually stop. Of course, I´m a stranger, so it’s easier. Or, I’ll remind them they are in the presence of a lady. Then, they´ll often, out of respect, stop…at least around me…for that moment.

However, I doubt anybody is going to pay you any heed. Sometimes, people do it for attention, as another post said. If THAT’S the case, the more attention you give it, the MORE it will happen. So…try this. Try IGNORING it.

Also, ignore that person, when possible.

If that doesn´t work, you did your best. Let it go. Be at peace.

Imagine a shield between you and that person, that everything they are saying just rolls off you, like water off a duck’s back. Don´t let it bother you.

That’s THEIR problem. It won´t help if you get upset, and your liver explodes. Know what you can change and can´t. You can´t change them. So, accept them, warts and all.
 
This is really tough, while I was a teen , I had the same problem, I isolated myself to avoid it
Which in turn created other problems , sadly you can’t change other people,
Only other people can change themselves , lucky for you , you made a conscious decision not to be like them, congratulations on that huge choice , it shows real maturity,
You just need to close off this behaviour from your self the best you can, until you move out.
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
This is really tough, while I was a teen , I had the same problem, I isolated myself to avoid it
Which in turn created other problems , sadly you can’t change other people,
Only other people can change themselves , lucky for you , you made a conscious decision not to be like them, congratulations on that huge choice , it shows real maturity,
You just need to close off this behaviour from your self the best you can, until you move out.
Click to expand...
That’s TERRIBLE! How hard it must be to be around that all the time!
 
I once went through a stage, myself, and I know one of my sisters did, too. I began to be around people who used bad language and began to do the same. Later, though, I stopped, AND so did my sister.

So…even if your sister is presently using bad language doesn´t necessarily mean that will always be the case. It’s possible this is a phase, temporary. We can always hope, right?
 
Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate them 🙂 So I guess I’ll just have to avoid and ignore, until I can move out 😃 We’ll see how this goes. Hopefully well
 
Don’t be afraid to speak up and continue to tell them “I really don’t appreciate your language, or I really wish you didn’t use those words around me, please.” Be kind and patient yes, but also very firm, and continue to call them out on it when they curse in front of you. It’s your home too and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in it. The other option would be move out sooner than later. All the best.
 
One thing that worked for me with family members,
was that every time they swore I said the them,
“Oh good” at which, they gave a puzzled look.
“what do you mean by Oh Good”? they would ask
and I would tell them that “I prayed for an angel
to be sent down to remove all the foul language
from within them, and from what I can hear, the
Angel is already casting it out”.

I changed the “Oh Good”, to
“Good job Angel” from then on in.
It wasn’t long before I caught them almost gagging
on their words, trying to stop the foul words
from coming out. The were even repeating
the Good job angel to each other.

No guarantee it will work on everyone
but at least it will make them think about it.

:tiphat:
 
I was born at home many decades ago with an old country doctor in attendance. At one point he commented, “J---- C-----”. My Irish grandmother responded, “I haven’t seen Him around yet today, but when I do I’ll tell Him you were asking for Him.”

A few years ago my boss said, “J---- C-----”. A fellow worker responded, “Name Dropper”.
 
How old are you?

If you are an adult and can figure out a way to move out I would. That’s gross and disrespectful behavior not only from your sister but from your parents, too.

If you are a minor, do you go to school? Does your school have a counselor you could talk to? It’s one thing if your family is dropping f-bombs left and right, but when they are name-calling, that’s not OK in my book, and the fact that they continue to do it when it hurts you is even less OK. (From a sister, even though she should know better at 17, I get it - it’s fun to needle siblings). But from parents, unacceptable, and for them to condone the behavior of your sister, unacceptable. I would enlist outside help.
 
We know that God is offended by language like this. When I hear people using profane or vulgar words, I offer a silent prayer of reparation to Jesus for the blasphemies that are hurled at Him. Something like, “Praise the Holy Name of God,” or, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.” Doing this gives me a sense of peace and purpose, and helps me to know that the situation has some good coming out of it.
 
Whenever this pops up at home, which is very rare because neither I nor my wife use profanities (at least not when other people are around…when I’m alone and stub my toe I do let out a yelp, so to speak). Our kids are relatively young but once in a while my oldest (girl, 16) will say something.

I just keep on them about it, and whenever something slips out I remind them.

The difference is my 9 year old boy–who has a bit of an anger management problem. For the past few years he will spew out profanities when he’s really, really angry. With him, it’s the same deal: remind, remind, remind, correct, admonish, yell, whatever. He seems to be growing out of it, believe it or not, even at age 9. I think he did/does it when he’s so angry that he feels powerless to react in any other way.

That being said, I’ve told them–if anyone other than they were to say those things in my house, he’d get a punch in the mouth. 👍
 
Hope_Philomena said:
Warning, rant ahead.
My family has very, very, very vulgar language. At least 78.2% of their words in their sentences are profanities. I used to be like this as well, since I grew up around this kind of language. But a few years ago, I stopped cussing unless extremely angry when I cannot control myself.

But my dad, mom, and sister continue to cuss too much. My 17 year old sister especially; it’s almost on the level of coprolalia, except she is only like this around family and friends. It’s not uncontrollable, she just chooses not to control it in certain situations. When she greets me when I enter a room with her, she says “Hey slu…” “Hi fa…” “F-ing bitc…” (Sorry) She just says these things, over and over, grinning and laughing as she does so because she very well knows that I hate it. It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out. She repeats the curse words, trying to get a reaction out of me, and many times, she does. It’s so difficult to control my anger when she is using the number one thing that upsets me and never ceases to do so.

And my parents do nothing. Sorry to sound like a whining teenager, but my parents do not do a single thing and they themselves know this. I try to get them to see that my sister has a problem and that she is doing everything in her power to make me curse right back at her. They see, since she does it in front of them. And they laugh. They smile and chuckle when she calls me the thing that rhymes with poor and begins with a W, because they think it’s funny. I try to make them see how much it hurts me, but they say there’s nothing they can do, they can’t control her, etc. But I think to myself, maybe if you showed disapproval at her constant swearing, instead of laughing along with her, she would get the message.

My parents cuss at me too, mostly when they’re angry. We will be having a little argument, and my dad’s immediate reaction to conflict is the phrase, “Well, f… you” and a cigarette. I can’t stand this, I really can’t take it any longer. I am trapped with this until I’m an adult; it’s like I’m in a hot tub full of sins and I can stay strong as long as I’m above water, but my family’s words keep shoving my head into the water and holding me down.
How am I supposed to deal with this? I know that we will always be surrounded by people and things that will test us, but when you’re an adult you are able to use many means to avoid problematic people. What about your own family, who you are with every single day? How do I get through this?

Apologies for the swear word demonstrations, I was just trying to make my point. I can take them out if necessary.
Click to expand...
I confess that I used to swear with the best of them.

One time someone remarked to me, “So you think you’re great or cool because you swear? No, all it tells others is that you have a quite limited vocabulary.”

That brought an immediate end to my swearing.

You can only control how you react. If people can get a rise out of you by swearing, and you reward them by getting angry, they will continue to keep swearing.
 
Joe_Kelley said:
I was born at home many decades ago with an old country doctor in attendance. At one point he commented, “J---- C-----”. My Irish grandmother responded, “I haven’t seen Him around yet today, but when I do I’ll tell Him you were asking for Him.”

A few years ago my boss said, “J---- C-----”. A fellow worker responded, “Name Dropper”.
Click to expand...
😃
 
Rob_in_Oregon said:
We know that God is offended by language like this. When I hear people using profane or vulgar words, I offer a silent prayer of reparation to Jesus for the blasphemies that are hurled at Him. Something like, “Praise the Holy Name of God,” or, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.” Doing this gives me a sense of peace and purpose, and helps me to know that the situation has some good coming out of it.
Click to expand...
Well, that would be the case for taking the name of the Lord in vain. But the types of vulgarities to which the OP alluded are just that – vulgar. They are not, in and of themselves, sinful. Nor would they require reparation.

In the OP’s case, I think the issue is that the name-calling and insults are hurtful and unkind – it wouldn’t matter if they were couched in the Queen’s English.
 
That’s tough…so what’s your sisters goal in her behavior? She wants a reaction, she wants to upset you. The first thing to think about is this is all about her and not about you. Her upsetting you gives her a sense of power.

So there are a few different ways to deal with it. Ignoring flat out, if you can maintain that is good.

The “Oh good” thing suggested Purgatory Pete -turning a negative into a positive. “Oh good what?” “Oh good you reminded me to pray for you.” This you might have to decide how that will play out depending on her personality because she may turn into calling you religious insults.

Look at her like she’s lost her mind, sigh like your bored “Really, that’s all you got? Aren’t you getting too old for this childish stuff?” Then pick up a book, phone, tablet whatever and look engrossed in something else. (And silently pray for her.)

“Hmm that’s not very original.” Then pick up a book, phone, tablet whatever and look engrossed in something else. (And silently pray for her.)

As far as you parents go, I’m sorry. You deserve to be treated better. I’m really sorry your dad uses that kind of language against you. And I’m very sorry they don’t correct your sister and discipline her as they should. Unfortunately there isn’t much that can be done about that. I remember the first time my mom called me the b word -I was cut to the core. We expect better of our parents as we should. Sometimes we learn to make different choices for our own children by the hurt our parents caused us. You should be proud of yourself for not following the example being set forth. Good for you.
 
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