How to deal with flirtation from a member of the same sex?

[Presurmksdimnds]

How does one charitably respond to a flirt, or inappropriate comment by a member of the same sex?

I worry that accepting the (inappropriate comment) may send the wrong signal, as if I am interested or, just as bad, that I find their behavior (being sexually interested in members of the same sex) as acceptable.

I also worry that my response might come across uncharitable, how does one say “I think you even coming at me like this is pretty gross” in a nice way?

And then I worry that if I do not say anything at all, I would have missed the opportunity to say something that might make that other person…think.

I come across this situation often. I also have some neighbors that are homosexual and while I am very ‘neighborly’ with them, there has been the occasion when my girlfriends and I are going out and they’ve behaved much like construction workers. My friends all giggle and smile over at them, but it bothers me very much. I would consider a man that acted that way to be a pig - just because they are women does not make it any less tacky. And I have a daughter who lives here.

So, how would one approach either situation? A random flirt from a stranger, or the next time this happens with my neighbors?

*Moderator please feel free to move this thread if this is unappropriate here.

 

[EasterJoy]

They may think of it as different, because of course women who are friends comment on each other’s looks all the time, without any sexual interest implied…and they may have no sexual interest in you at all.

It would probably be best to respond as you would to any woman making unduly personal comments about you. That might be because the comment is too personal or because the woman is not sufficiently close to you to be in the circle allowed to make comments about your looks, or because the context is inappropriate. (That is: What you wouldn’t mind if she were back in the dressing rooms with you at a department store is not necessarily what you wouldn’t mind hearing from her in the crowded vestibule of a church.)

If your usual response to rude or intrusive comments from other women is to ignore them, then do that. If it is to speak up as Miss Manners would, then do that. You can either use “Pardon me?” or silence, combined with that certain look that does not invite the current behavior to be repeated. I wouldn’t make their possible sexual interest in you an issue, because there is too much plausible deniability there. Just let them know you don’t know them well enough to welcome their comments about your appearance.

 

[lizaanne]

Ok - so let me get this straight - you have lesbian neighbors who cat call and ogle you and your friends on occasion?

I would say yes, that is most certainly gross.

Ignore them - act like they aren’t there, and hope they get the point. Talk to your friends and tell them that you would appreciate it if they didn’t “feed the trolls”.

Not much you can do - they live in the neighborhood too. If it rises to the level of harassment , then call the police.

~Liza

 

[Presurmksdimnds]

They may think of it as different, because of course women who are friends comment on each other’s looks all the time, without any sexual interest implied…and they may have no sexual interest in you at all…

Yes, but there is a certain way that women do it. For example, I might tell my best friend “Oh that dress looks beautiful on you! You look so gorgeous tonight!”

And that’s completely unoffensive. Even from a stranger that wouldn’t bother me, it’s a compliment.

But then there’s “Damn girl you look hot! Smokin’…where are you going?? Can I come?”

See how that crosses the line, and implies attraction?

It would probably be best to respond as you would to any woman making unduly personal comments about you. …

That’s where I’m a little grey. If a woman had made some random snarky remark to me, I’d let it roll off my back like whatever. But these kind of comments, like I said, I worry that if I let them go it might imply my acceptance of that sexual lifestyle.

Ok - so let me get this straight - you have lesbian neighbors who cat call and ogle you and your friends on occasion?

Yes, but only on occasion. Only when I’m getting all dolled up and going out with the girls, if I’m in my sweats and cleaning house not so much. Usually, it’s one or the other, and we have neighborly small talk. I try to treat them as I would any other neighbor.

But it’s weird. If it were a guy I’d just shoot him a sharp look everytime I seen him from that point on until he provided some act of chilvary, but I don’t want to seem like the cold, homophobic, catholic neighbor, know what I mean?

 

[Presurmksdimnds]

Ignore them - act like they aren’t there, and hope they get the point. Talk to your friends and tell them that you would appreciate it if they didn’t “feed the trolls”.

Not much you can do - they live in the neighborhood too. If it rises to the level of harassment , then call the police.

~Liza

I suppose this sums it up. I just feel stupid sometimes not saying anything. Especially in a bar setting, it’s all awkward, they’re just lookin at you waiting for a response

“No thank you…” is all I can ever come up with

 

[lizaanne]

I suppose this sums it up. I just feel stupid sometimes not saying anything. Especially in a bar setting, it’s all awkward, they’re just lookin at you waiting for a response

“No thank you…” is all I can ever come up with

Don’t ever let anyone bait you. Be polite, but don’t be baited into a situation because THEY make you feel uncomfortable on purpose.

Ignoring is the best policy. Because if you do respond, they can have a snappy comeback that catches you off guard, and then you are baited into a situation that can be awkward or even confrontational.

What a crummy way to live - it just stinks that people can’t treat each other with mutual respect.

~Liza

 

[englishredrose]

Exactly the same as if it was unwanted flirtation from the opposite sex. You do not respond. If they don’t get the message, you keep your distance. Tell a good friend who is often with you to provide that buddie in times when the flirtation is boarderline harrassment because they haven’t understood your answer is not playing hard to get ‘no’ but a simple ‘no’ each time. Nothing to do with the same sex stuff in reality. It is unwanted attention and just stick to the same rules as if it was the opposite sex.

 

[robwar]

Yes, but there is a certain way that women do it. For example, I might tell my best friend “Oh that dress looks beautiful on you! You look so gorgeous tonight!”

And that’s completely unoffensive. Even from a stranger that wouldn’t bother me, it’s a compliment.

But then there’s “Damn girl you look hot! Smokin’…where are you going?? Can I come?”

See how that crosses the line, and implies attraction?

That’s where I’m a little grey. If a woman had made some random snarky remark to me, I’d let it roll off my back like whatever. But these kind of comments, like I said, I worry that if I let them go it might imply my acceptance of that sexual lifestyle.

Yes, but only on occasion. Only when I’m getting all dolled up and going out with the girls, if I’m in my sweats and cleaning house not so much. Usually, it’s one or the other, and we have neighborly small talk. I try to treat them as I would any other neighbor.

But it’s weird. If it were a guy I’d just shoot him a sharp look everytime I seen him from that point on until he provided some act of chilvary, but I don’t want to seem like the cold, homophobic, catholic neighbor, know what I mean?

I know you want to be nice and neighborly but if they have behavior and are saying things that make you uncomfortable then I would limit the contact with them to the bare minimal and stop going out with them along with your other girlfriends. No one has to put up with any behavior no matter what kind of person they are that makes you uncomfortable. You do not need to worry about what they think or even if they conclude you are “homophobic” because they obviously are not worried that their comments are making you uncomfortable. You can always say Hi and keep it to a minimal. It is this silly fear of what they might think that is holding you back from doing what you would do with a guy with the same behavior which is stop doing things with them.

 

[robwar]

OP,
you need to set the boundaries now before it gets more out of control.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, but there is a certain way that women do it. For example, I might tell my best friend “Oh that dress looks beautiful on you! You look so gorgeous tonight!”

And that’s completely unoffensive. Even from a stranger that wouldn’t bother me, it’s a compliment.

But then there’s “Damn girl you look hot! Smokin’…where are you going?? Can I come?”

See how that crosses the line, and implies attraction?

That’s where I’m a little grey. If a woman had made some random snarky remark to me, I’d let it roll off my back like whatever. But these kind of comments, like I said, I worry that if I let them go it might imply my acceptance of that sexual lifestyle.

Yes, but only on occasion. Only when I’m getting all dolled up and going out with the girls, if I’m in my sweats and cleaning house not so much. Usually, it’s one or the other, and we have neighborly small talk. I try to treat them as I would any other neighbor.

But it’s weird. If it were a guy I’d just shoot him a sharp look everytime I seen him from that point on until he provided some act of chilvary, but I don’t want to seem like the cold, homophobic, catholic neighbor, know what I mean?

It really isn’t for you to approve or not approve of their lifestyle. It IS for you to draw your own personal boundaries.

If any other neighbor, male or female, said to you: “Damn girl you look hot! Smokin’…where are you going?? Can I come?” then the correct response is a disapproving look and “Pardon me?” If they are socially astute, they will apologize, realize you don’t find their comments complimentary, and leave you alone in the future. If they are not astute, and keep up in the same vein, then you can say “That’s not the kind of comment that I find complimentary, no matter who says it. Please don’t talk to me as if I’m some kind of an object. I find it rude.” And that’s it. If they protest, you just say, “I said, please don’t make that kind of compliment. I think that covers it, because I’m not looking for a discussion about it.” And it does cover it.

 

[DexUK]

I would suggest, for the purpose of balance, that your acquaintance might just be somewhat socially inept. (If you’ve ever seen “The Big Bang Theory”, observe how Amy is with Penny).

You might have to take her aside at some point and have a quiet word about how she’s treating you, but if you do that, make sure you do it kindly. She might not even realise she’s putting her foot in it.

 

[Regina_Love]

Damn girl you look hot, smokin, where are you going. Can I come with you?

In a happy voice I would say, “abosolutely, just heading off to Bible Study to learn about modesty. Would you like me to share what I’ve learned?” Do look up some verses, and be ready to share them, with conern for her soul! Most people believe there is a God… out there somewhere… kinda vague on that. Perhaps it will become an open door to evangelize about true love, which every person craves.

She will probably respect that you are willing to engage her boldness! She may play ball, and engage you in discussions or questions about God. (super fun!) Or she may back way off knowing you are not an easy target. She may continue to taunt you on occasion, but in the back of her mind is the knowledge that you are Christian. If she needs to talk to a Christian because of questions she has ie, death of a friend, she may turn to you!

Consider these comments as opportunities!

 

[Presurmksdimnds]

Damn girl you look hot, smokin, where are you going. Can I come with you?

In a happy voice I would say, “abosolutely, just heading off to Bible Study to learn about modesty. Would you like me to share what I’ve learned?” Do look up some verses, and be ready to share them, with conern for her soul! Most people believe there is a God… out there somewhere… kinda vague on that. Perhaps it will become an open door to evangelize about true love, which every person craves.

She will probably respect that you are willing to engage her boldness! She may play ball, and engage you in discussions or questions about God. (super fun!) Or she may back way off knowing you are not an easy target. She may continue to taunt you on occasion, but in the back of her mind is the knowledge that you are Christian. If she needs to talk to a Christian because of questions she has ie, death of a friend, she may turn to you!

Consider these comments as opportunities!

AHA! I like your style! and yes, I saw it as an opportunity as well

Thank you to all who have posted for your ideas and thoughts

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Yes, but there is a certain way that women do it. For example, I might tell my best friend “Oh that dress looks beautiful on you! You look so gorgeous tonight!”

And that’s completely unoffensive. Even from a stranger that wouldn’t bother me, it’s a compliment.

But then there’s “Damn girl you look hot! Smokin’…where are you going?? Can I come?”

See how that crosses the line, and implies attraction?

Actually, the words themselves don’t imply attraction to me. I’ve heard plenty of heterosexual women make comments like that, or use the word “sexy,” even in a catcalling whistling tone of voice (not necessarily to me, but it was a common way to compliment a friend’s look in college). Of course, knowing that the person using the language is straight, I would interpret that person to mean that they were judging my look objectively, and not that they felt attraction. Now I wouldn’t expect my current friends to speak to people that way, because my friends are concerned with modesty and wouldn’t think of that as an appropriate compliment. But I wouldn’t be surprised if a more worldly person spoke that way.

That said, I don’t want to dismiss your concern that there is more implied - you are there, and I am not. Tone, body language, and past interactions make a big difference in interpreting these things. I would probably just act as though I didn’t take it that way, and just say thanks, and go on my way, paying her little attention. One other question to ask yourself is if you are dressed as modestly as you should be. It is probably a better choice to dress in a way that would evoke the terms “pretty” or “beautiful,” but not “smokin hot.” Not saying this is true for you - but if I were in your shoes, I would reflect on that. Choice of dress is never responsible for the bad behavior of others, but a lot of comments might be a sign about the choice of dress.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

In a happy voice I would say, “abosolutely, just heading off to Bible Study to learn about modesty. Would you like me to share what I’ve learned?” Do look up some verses, and be ready to share them, with conern for her soul! Most people believe there is a God… out there somewhere… kinda vague on that. Perhaps it will become an open door to evangelize about true love, which every person craves.

She will probably respect that you are willing to engage her boldness! She may play ball, and engage you in discussions or questions about God. (super fun!) Or she may back way off knowing you are not an easy target. She may continue to taunt you on occasion, but in the back of her mind is the knowledge that you are Christian. If she needs to talk to a Christian because of questions she has ie, death of a friend, she may turn to you!

Consider these comments as opportunities!

I think this is a good idea. There is nothing that shuts some people up like a realisation that they are dealing with a devout Christian. I have seen this many times in my life. Some people started treating me a bit differently in a positive way, and that suited me just fine and I was thankful for it. Others started avoiding me like the plague, and that was fine too since we were obviously not real friends to start with (a friend would not have dumped me, I assume).
Maybe the neighbours would back off and be more respectful.

Of course, it is possible that they would react in a very confrontational way to such a comment, which then allows the OP to make things more clear in terms of what is acceptable to her, and to distance herself to the desired degree.

And of course, there might be some interesting conversations as a consequence and an opportunity to bring to them the light of God.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think this is a good idea. There is nothing that shuts some people up like a realisation that they are dealing with a devout Christian. I have seen this many times in my life. Some people started treating me a bit differently in a positive way, and that suited me just fine and I was thankful for it. Others started avoiding me like the plague, and that was fine too since we were obviously not real friends to start with (a friend would not have dumped me, I assume).
Maybe the neighbours would back off and be more respectful.

Of course, it is possible that they would react in a very confrontational way to such a comment, which then allows the OP to make things more clear in terms of what is acceptable to her, and to distance herself to the desired degree.

And of course, there might be some interesting conversations as a consequence and an opportunity to bring to them the light of God.

If you are dressed to the nines and respond like that to someone who comments on your “smokin’” looks, they’re going to think you’re making fun of people who spend their evenings going to Bible study instead of going out and having fun. Either that, or they’re going to think you’re just a bit bizarre.

 

[Baelor]

If it makes you uncomfortable, why not say, “That kind of talk makes me uncomfortable, and I would appreciate it if you stopped saying things like that out of respect for me.”

 

[In_Training]

How does one charitably respond to a flirt, or inappropriate comment by a member of the same sex?

React the way you would react to anything else. I don’t think this has anything to do with whether you are Christian or not, or homosexual or not. If someone is bothering you, tell them. Doesn’t matter what sexuality or gender or religion they are - if you find it inappropriate, then it’s inappropriate, and that’s it. Their treatment of you would still bother you even if they were opposite sex. That’s how you know the problem isn’t their gender - it’s their treatment of you.

 

[EasterJoy]

React the way you would react to anything else. I don’t think this has anything to do with whether you are Christian or not, or homosexual or not. If someone is bothering you, tell them. Doesn’t matter what sexuality or gender or religion they are - if you find it inappropriate, then it’s inappropriate, and that’s it. Their treatment of you would still bother you even if they were opposite sex. That’s how you know the problem isn’t their gender - it’s their treatment of you.

Yep. This is over the boundary of normal polite behavior, something their atheist or Wiccan lesbian neighbor on the other side of them might dislike every bit as much as the OP, if not more. It is vulgar and tacky, without reference to sexual orientation or religious affiliation. If they think they are being funny or supportive, they are in this case at least grossly mistaken, no matter what other women in their social circle like.

That is not to say it is impossible that there are any women anywhere who would think this is entertaining banter. I mean that if anyone is going to make comments like that, they had better know their audience. If they don’t, they’re just asking to offend someone.