My husband thinks its my fault some how and is going to force me to apologize to her
for what exactly I dont know but I suppose its for the best
- Hmm. What are the options? What could be the best ones? Where might you start to consider these?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
** – Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971)**
**
Let’s start with the hardest options first: **
If you DO
decide to apologize to her … you must know why and what for … and be sincere about it. Try to listen to your husband to SEE if he might have a point or if you have had a part (as opposed to the whole responsibility for) the misunderstandings and hard feelings.
That is - what do he, and the others THINK you have done. HOW much (if any) of it is true.
CAN you sincerely apologize to someone sincerely (for just those contributions you are actually guilty for) and explain what actions of yours (which are not admissions of guilt) might have led to unfortunate misunderstandings.
IF your husband is wrong in this case (i.e. without ANY justification at all); you cannot affirm a falsehood … yet … blessed are the peacemakers. Pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to lead you in what to do, or not do, to bring a more peaceful result to the family’s interactions.
This could make YOU the lead sacrificer (the holy one as it were), which may seem and actually BE unjust to an extent. But with your example you might change the currently poisonous atmosphere into a blessed atmosphere more conducive to helping the better natures of your in-laws germinate and grow.
Present your best self to all
When we are attacked it is easy to simply react. Often in the same spirit (negatively) be that: expressing hurt or astonishment, returning the anger in a similar spirit, denying the charges overmuch in an emotional way and “looking guilty” - when (in the eyes of some) an innocent person would be calm, dismissive of the silly charge, and non-combative. Perhaps stating “That’s not precisely the case _________ < (insert name of accuser here) … but … if I’m leaving that impression I certainly want to set things right between us.”
Setting the tone for a common goal of “we’re family, we can work this out …” can unplug the “Me vs. You” competition in some cases. It is hard to keep being angry with someone who responds to your challenge with: patience, a calm demeanor, thoughtful attention to what is said, and at least looking like they want to solve the problem without making you the "bad guy’ for having brought the problem up (if there are witnesses to the argument that might take sides against the initiator - especially).
*Taking charge of things in this way will leave your spirit in peace more. The results may STILL not be ideal. But you will know that you gave the “What Would Jesus Do?” options a chance, let the Lord guide you, and can more easily let go of the incident after that.
*
As it is, the past is bugging you. The present is unpleasant. And you are bracing yourself for unpleasantness in the future. You need the peace that passes all understanding (dwelling in the Lord) - as we all do! Knowing that you will try to dwell in Him the next time these things happen, begin to feel happy in bearing your cross … should it still be tough.
Perhaps imagine a positive outcome or two. Like living peaceably and happily together with bygones being bygones. Or yourself and your husband going your own way with no hard feelings on your side about his family.
And in a worst case scenario (you could decide what that might be), deciding to still dwell in the Lord would still be best.
We can’t change others sometimes and have to accept and factor in what we can’t change and have a way to deal with that. I heard it best once on a retreat where a woman complained that her husband’s constantly doing … something she couldn’t stand … drove her crazy every day!
The “counsel-or” said that she might begin by saying: “Water is wet. Rocks are hard. John is angry when he comes home from a long day of work.” Even if THAT is the precise moment she’d most like to unload the problems of her day on him (because that’s the way SHE is).
He made the analogy of a person who needed
to sleep … but would be upset each night that the sun was going to come up the next morning. Worrying about it when they could have been sleeping. Despairing when (inevitably) the sun came up. And resetting to repeat the same, sad, unfruitful routine again the following night!
Accepting that:
– the sun WOULD come up,
– adopting a “why will I let that bother me anymore” posture,
–and choosing something better to think about and attend to
– was a way to take control of oneself
(which, even if it didn’t solve the problem in the imagined ideal way)
- accomplished a peace of mind (similar to what having that result would be).
)