How to deal with husband's secrecy

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Emo82

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I’m lookin for advice on how to deal with my husband’s secrecy.

I just found out today that he took out a £12,000 loan without even telling me. I only found out because we are planning on building a house and when I phoned the mortgage advisor he asked me if we had any loans so I asked my husband and he told me I was so shocked although this is not particularly unusual behaviour.

His justification was that he needed to buy equipment for his business but the loan was a personal one because it gave a better interest rate. I don’t object to him taking out the loan as such because I think he probably did need the equipment but to spend that much without even mentioning it? He has bought large pieces of equipment for his business previously as well as sports equipment.

I wouldn’t mind so much but he works full time while I work part time and earn half as much yet he expects me to contribute the same amount to the bills as he does. I am also home schooling our 2 sons. He has previously mentioned when I have asked him for extra money for bills that I should increase my income which in theory I’d fine but we have few childcare options and he doesn’t like watching the kids in the evening while I work as it is.

I really don’t know what to do. He has kept secret from me before that I had no idea about, for example, he had a lifelong pornography addiction which I think he has stopped but I don’t know for sure and he is quite secretive about his phone and tablet. I just have no clue how to deal with this, I don’t want to separate from hI’m as he the kids love him very much and I also would not want to put them into school which would probably have to happen if I was a single parent. I also just don’t want to get divorced as I believe marriage is a lifelong commitment but I am so worried about what else he is keeping secret now or might do in the future. Am I overreacting?

He is baptised catholic but became an atheist and now is agnostic. Perhaps not relevant but thought I would add it to show where he is coming from spiritually.
 
Yeah…

…you need professionals in this order. Legal professionals, psycological professionals, spiritual professionals.
 
This is big, huge, flashing red warning lights.

Talk to a lawyer, find out if you are responsible for his debt.

Talk to a marriage counselor.
 
Emo82 said:
I just found out today that he took out a £12,000 loan without even telling me. I only found out because we are planning on building a house and when I phoned the mortgage advisor he asked me if we had any loans so I asked my husband and he told me I was so shocked although this is not particularly unusual behaviour.
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I agree with everybody else that this looks bad.

One thing I’d add to what everybody else has said is that it’s WEIRD to take out a loan that size (especially when you’re trying to buy a house) without mentioning it to a spouse. At least in the US, people who are buying houses need to be very cautious about their financial behavior before applying for a loan.

I think you need to do regular credit checks in both your names to make sure nothing weird is happening. (You might even need to check your kids’ credit.)

Also, I think you need to point out to him that you can’t both be in charge of homeschooling and be responsible for equally contributing to family finances. That’s just not fair or feasible.

Another thing–his business should not be borrowing money. If the business is making money, he should be using that money to buy equipment. If he’s not making money, he shouldn’t buy new equipment.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
I think you need to do regular credit checks in both your names to make sure nothing weird is happening. (You might even need to check your kids’ credit.)
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This is a good idea. Credit Karma is free and updates monthly.
 
With regards to the loan, it was taken out before we were considering building the house. Our financial circumstances changed considerably for the better recently in that we inherited some money so that made us think about how to invest it and we thought the best way to offer stability would be in building or buying a bigger house which would allow us both to run our businesses more easily and offer better space for the kids.

In terms of not borrowing money for his business I would normally agree and have had this conversation with him before about other purchases. However, with this equipment it was something he needed to buy to win a contract as the customers he was dealing with required a certain level of equipment. Having said that I suppose renting the equipment might have been an option but I don’t know that for sure. The particular customers make up about a third of his income so I don’t necessarily think it was the wrong decision as the loan is apparently on a very low interest rate but I just can’t believe he would make that kind of financial decision without even mentioning it in passing.
 
First thing to do…Start a bank account in your name, only. If he finds out about it, fine…but don’t change it, or give him any access to it. It will probably be small at first, but you seem to know how to budget better than he does. And never, never, give him the account number or your ATM pin passcode. He may turn out to have an agenda that you don’t like, or doesn’t include you. So, do this, so that you and your children will always have something. And, him making you pay half the bills, when you work part time, and do all the housework? Red flag, for sure! I may have more to say on this later, but it’s late here now, and I just wanted you to have that advice. Always have some money that he can’t get a hold of.
 
Thanks for the advice. I do have my own bank account and essentially am in charge of the joint account too as it is at my bank and my husband never looks at it although he does have access to it. My account and the joint account together have reasonable savings in it but if I was to leave (I’m not planning on it) they would be used up very quickly.

The weird thing is that he never pays for stuff out of the joint account and always asks before paying for something out of it, for example we’re doing something joint like going for a meal he would ask whether we should use the joint account to pay for it or not.

We had quite a long conversation yesterday and I said that we need to have weekly or monthly meetings to discuss our finances and plans. He said he is going to get counselling too. I am still a bit unconvinced as to whether this will happen as he is difficult to pin down.

He said he feels like he has no control over anything except his business and that he was worried I would say no to the loan. I’m not sure why he thinks this as I have generally been supportive of his business plans although having said that I have convinced him not to make a big financial commitment in the past when I didn’t think it was the best choice and there was a better option. The thing that bugs me is he is basically saying that he doesn’t trust my opinion. I don’t mind if he disagrees with my opinion but to not even ask it in a marriage strikes me as unhealthy.

He basically said that he had felt guilty about keeping the loan a secret but I got no indication that he wouldn’t do it again. I said to him that there have been so many times that he has kept big secrets from me and I have had no clue that he could be doing anything and I wouldn’t know about it.

He has underlying anxiety and depression issues so I think that this is what is driving his need for control rather than any malicious motivation, but at the end of the day it is the actions which have the effect on our life rather than the motivation.

I guess I’ll see if he has sorted out counselling by the end of the week which is when we agreed he would do it by.
 
Emo82 said:
He said he feels like he has no control over anything except his business and that he was worried I would say no to the loan.
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A monthly budget meeting is a good practice.

That’s his opportunity to speak up and explain his plans.

About the fear that you were going to say no–well that would be a reason NOT to do it, right?

I think I’d ask him to put the shoe on the other foot. How would he like it if you were in the habit of making major decisions without informing him? For example, let’s say you decided to sell the piece of equipment that he took the loan out for without telling him or getting his permission. Wouldn’t that be a pretty cruddy, disrespectful thing to do?

Your husband needs to start practicing the golden rule: do unto Emo82 as he would like Emo82 to do unto him.
 
You really do have to take control of your own financial future!
So, he’s careful with the joint account…did he use it, in any way, to get the loan that he didn’t tell you about? If so, don’t count on that money! I gather that he has an account for his business? And a personal account? Both are fine, but they shouldn’t be the ones that take precedence over the others, and, possibly, make you and your children suffer, financially. You just received an inheritance, and he’s putting you into debt? Not a good sign. Please, for your childrens’ sake, keep the joint account, and your own, separate from his. Legally.
An inheritance should give you the opportunity to become financially stable…that is, making yourselves less indebted to others. People do see it that way. When I got an inheritance, the first thing that happened was that I had to pay off my student loans, and pay a lawyer to whom I owed money. I’d like to say that I did this on my own…but, I didn’t. Not that I had much of a chance to. They both sent their bills before I actually had the money…so, people do hold you accountable.
So, first thing is to see that you keep as much of your own money as possible, where you can’t be held responsible for his debts. You have received some good advice. See how it makes him feel when you use money from your joint account to get legal advice on how to do this. I’m not trying to be mean. I know that I can sound that way, sometimes, but you do have to think about your kids’, and your own, financial futures. It doesn’t sound like your husband is. At all!
 
The pornography was one of the major things. He has also kept another big secret from me to do with his mental health which I can understand why he did it but it resulted in us almost not getting married.

He was actually baptised catholic but we weren’t married in the Catholic Church as I only really became a Christian after we were married and then only moved to the Catholic Church in October last year. We’ve been married 7 years this October.

I’m not sure why he’s changed his opinion but it could be because when we have discussed it I have pointed out the logical inconsistencies of his arguments against God. We don’t discuss it much but when it does come up I try to make a good argument for the faith. But you’re right, there could be some unknown reason for his change of heart.
 
Yeah, I totally pointed that out to him and although he kind of agreed that he wouldn’t like it I still got no indication that he wouldn’t do it again. In fact he said that my having these kinds of conversations with him (I.e. ones where I - in my opinion justifiably- point out an error or ask him to commit to something) makes him anxious and makes him not want to talk to me. To be clear there were no raised voices in the conversation, but I was frustrated so maybe that came across in my tone.
 
Nobody likes it when somebody points out wrongdoing or failings. It hurts our pride, and makes it hard to just keep doing what we want to do.

I suggest, unfortunately, that there is unlikely to be any way you can communicate this to him where he won’t return with this. He doesn’t have a problem with the delivery, it’s the substance. Since the substance is very reasonable and you’re a person too, this is a reason to bring in a professional. You can’t have a marriage if one spouse isn’t permitted to ever need anything from the other.
 
Emo82 said:
In fact he said that my having these kinds of conversations with him (I.e. ones where I - in my opinion justifiably- point out an error or ask him to commit to something) makes him anxious and makes him not want to talk to me.
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“Your going behind my back makes me not trust YOU. If we’re married, I need to trust you 100% and believe that I know everything important there is to know about how things are going. We’re married–everything that affects you affects me and the children, and everything that affects me affects you and the children. If you don’t feel comfortable telling me important things, then we need to go to counseling until you are comfortable telling me.”
 
Unfortunately, your husband’s business is potentially a black hole of disaster if he makes large decisions without consulting you.

Going forward, you need to know about any large business decisions your husband makes, because if there are any mistakes or problems, you and your children will be affected. There’s no water-tight barrier between “husband’s business” and your family finances, just like there’s no water-tight barrier between your inheritance and your family finances. You’re all in the same boat. If his business flourishes, you’re all going to benefit. If his business fails, you’re all going to suffer.

Do not accept the idea that it isn’t something you need to know about.

Even if there were no issues with regard to your husband’s character, you should still know. Your husband could get seriously sick or die, and you wouldn’t know the first thing about his business. It’s just not a loving thing to leave you in the dark.

Good luck!
 
Does he have a business mentor who can help him understand the importance of keeping personal and business finances separate?
 
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