How to deal with ill family members

[Tous_Logous]

I have a family member who I thought was grieving over the recent loss of another family member. I understand that grieving has its stages but the way this individual is grieving is…far beyond grieving. I won’t go into too much detail, but this individual is beginning to recount or bring up memories of people who have passed on years ago. In other words, just bringing these things up out of the blue when no such thing was ever discussed when they actually died. Then there is “the fear” of going home because this family member is reminded of this dead individual no matter where he goes in the house. He is also stating absolutely ridiculous ideas that make no logical sense, but it sounds like he is going to act on them anyway.

I have never dealt with this before. I know all people grieve in different ways, but I know (and other family members have told me this too) that this is not “normal” grieving. I am around this 24/7 and there’s no where I can go to get away from it. This individual is in complete denial and claims he does not need medical/psychiatric help, when indeed he does. He was talking about going to see a doctor (not just for his grieving reason, but mostly physical health-related issues) and getting grief counseling, but I have a feeling he will drop it. He has said a multitude of times before that he would go see a doctor, only to cancel the appointment.

I know for a fact that this issue with the dead family member was only a trigger. In other words, to use as an excuse to talk about everything else. Obviously something far deeper is going on than just grieving over a dead family member, it’s all coming out of the woodwork. I’m worried that if this individual doesn’t do something he will end up having a nervous breakdown. But we have tried and tried to talk him into getting help; it’s almost like dealing with a drug addict. It’s only time before he’ll go to the next stage, and I’m afraid the next stage could be a horrible one.

I know with grieving that people eventually become better. People tend to get over it, even if it’s not easy. But in this case, I don’t know if this family member is getting better or not. It seems we have hit a stasis.

I am just at the point where I don’t know what to do. I’m already in the process of eventually losing my job. I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with something like this, there has to be other people out there who have been in a similar situation that I am in. There is just no one we can go to to get him help. We can’t rely on relatives because they are a very troubled bunch, and prefer to create problems rather than heal them.

This is all I’m listening to, all I’m hearing from him. I can’t get away from it. I have to deal with it, but it’s hard to deal with when you have someone who is in complete denial and there is no where to go to get help.

Advice? Comments? Surely other people on here have similar stories. Talking about this makes me feel horrible because I feel like it’s rubbing off onto me and now it’s the only thing I’m talking about. I

 

[Cat]

My father died in February (6 months ago), so I know what it means to be grieving.

You said that the loss was “recent.” How recent?

The reason I ask is because the timeline for grieving is generally 1-2 years for a "regular"death (accident, illness, age), and 4-5 years for a suicide.

Is your grieving family member within these times?

When I read your post, I didn’t see anything out-of-the-ordinary about your family member and their expressions of grief. I think it’s perfectly logical and very normal and healthy for someone who is grieving to recall other dead family members and “re-grieve” their loss.

My dad was an only child, so I had no aunts or uncles. But his mother had 8 brothers and sisters, so he grew up with a lot of aunts and uncles, and I remember all these people (they were my great aunts and uncles), and they were of another era–a time when people read by kerosene lamps and rode horses instead of driving cars. I remember how each of them died (mainly old age), and losing my dad reminds me of my childhood and all the great times my brother and I used to have at big family gatherings with all these relatives. I miss those times and those people.

You mention that your family member doesn’t want to go home because everything reminds him of the one who has died. That also sounds very logical and normal to me. I haven’t driven by my dad’s house since he died. I don’t like to drive by the nursing home where my mother spent her last few years, and the retirement home where my dad moved with such high hopes of living several years and having friends over. He didn’t even last a month in that home before his cancer grew too fast and he had to move out and go to a hospice.

Finally, you mention that your family member talks about ridiculous ideas and you are afraid he will act on them.

If those ideas include suicide, then I think you are correct to be alarmed.

But if the ideas are things like moving to a different home or even state or country, or taking out all his money and spending it on a fancy car, or adopting a dog or driving to the Grand Canyon and riding a mule to Phantom Ranch…well, to me, all those kinds of wild and crazy “dreams” sound like normal grieving, too. It’s very logical to feel the press of time when you lose a loved one, and you have a sense of urgency and a desire to experience some things that you’ve always dreamed of.

Even the fact that you feel upset because you are talking about it and thinking about it too much sounds normal to me. When a family member dies, your entire life is turned topsy-turvy, and it takes quite a while (1-2 years) to find your way and create a new life for yourself that doesn’t include the dear one who has passed on.

Now of course, I am making a lot of assumptions here, and perhaps your relative is way outside of normal. My suggestion to you is to look around for a free grief class in a Christian church. Many churches sponsor them. You may end up in a Protestant church class, but that would be better than doing nothing and worry about nervous breakdowns. If your family member won’t attend, then YOU go and learn as much as you can, and get some comfort for yourself.

Godspeed to you. It’s tough, I know.

 

[90Domer]

OP, I read your post and immediately thought of my MIL. She lost her husband 8 years ago, and several of us think she has not grieved the loss of her loss well at all.

In our case, her behavior has continued to decline in that she has become more sharp-tongued and snarky. My FIL tempered this to a large extent, but she has not listened to her kids when they’ve told her about her negative behavior. She has made all dealings into a quid pro quo kind of set-up, and it is just ugly to deal with. Lastly, she has misrepresented one son to another and spread lies about one to another.

How have we handled it? Boundaries, and lots of them. Sadly, we had to refrain from speaking with her on the phone because, way too often, she would twist what we said and/or outright lie to us about previous things we said to her. Or she would conveniently forget when we told her certain things that she didn’t want to hear.

You have a choice not to listen to this relative. And you also have the right to request that this relative refrain from certain topics that are distasteful to you. We have done this in our case and have not felt guilty. Honestly, she was bringing us down so badly, we really had no other choice but to put on restraints.

Don’t get me wrong, we have complete sympathy for our mother/MIL. However, mourning does not give someone a blank slate to act in manners that are uncharitable.