How to deal with In Laws

[Lovesthebeach]

I have been dealing with this for the past 11 years and I think I have reach the end of my rope, and I don’t know how to respond anymore.

First of all, yes, I do have a husband problem who enables his parents behavior. He puts his parents first (he finally confessed this to me years ago) .We had gone to counseling numerous times, but everything went over his head, like he isn’t the one with the problem.

What I deal with, is that his parents, in my husbands eyes, have to come first. If my In laws do NOT get what they want, they will harass my husband, guilt trip him until he gives in. There are times where his brother will call my husband and guilt trip him also because he did not please his parents. And in turn, my husband will get upset with me. Many times my husband will go straight to me and tell me what to do because its what his parents want. He has to be extremely careful of his mom’s feelings. When we visit, my husband gets into “child mode”, and I feel as if I don’t have a husband.

I have talked to him about his behavior, but he automatically gets angry with me, and talking to him is not an option, he is not someone I can trust. I have to be careful what I say, because he goes behind my back and tells his parents detailed information about things they do not need to know.

Now as far as my In laws go, they are very manipulating, controlling, backstabbing, “all about me” type of people. In the beginning of my marriage, I had became a doormat to them, I let them walk all over me, even after I had my two children. I had to put on the “fake” smile, etc. But no matter how nice I was to them, how sincere I acted towards them, I was not good enough, they always had to, and still, make very rude, and hurtful comments to me, but most of the time this would happen not in my husbands presence. Now they will say things to me in front of family members to make me look very bad and that they are the "perfect’ in laws. I don’t even have to say a word, and they still try to make me look like a bad person. I will remove myself into another room, but my mother in law will walk to wherever I’m at, and start something up. Its hard to stay away sometimes.

I ended up removing myself from his family for a year because I was starting to have panic attacks. And I stopped being a doormat, which in turn made my mother in law very upset with me, and she began to play “her games” to get what she wants. I came back into the picture 4 years ago, but I’m still dealing with the same stuff.

I did confront my mother in law years ago about how she was treating me, but she turned everything around on me, as she played “victim”. So needless to say, talking to her is definitely not an option.

I’m trying so hard to keep my cool, bite my tongue and let things be when we visit, or go to family functions. However I’m to the point where I don’t even want to talk to my In Laws, especially the way they treat me. I can’t even bring myself to say “Hi” to them without being “fake”. I’m so tired of being fake, I don’t even want to do it anymore.

I was told, that when I do see them, to say "HI’ and have a small chit chat with them but be happy about it. I can not bring myself to do this at all. I know I’m suppose to be polite, but do I really need to be all happy and cheery even tho I don’t want to act fake about it anymore? Is it wrong for me to not want to talk to them, to have any conversation with them? I’m just really struggling with this right now and I don’t know what or how to handle it anymore.

 

[stephe1987]

I would ignore them as much as possible. You do not get along and they are not willing to compromise. There is nothing to work with. If you have to be around them (first communion, confirmation, graduation, wedding), I would just be polite, greet them, and then go about your business.

As for your husband, he needs to fix his priorities. Yes, there is a commandment to honor your father and your mother. You should always respect them, love them, visit them, and when they get to be elderly you make sure they are cared for. But once you get married, your spouse has to come first*. Too many marriages have failed because people do not put their spouse first in the marriage. Your spouse needs to be #1 above work, hobbies, friends, other family members, etc. and you also need to have regular “date nights” or time to yourselves away from the kids or other people. People who do not do this will notice that they are growing apart, growing angry/resentful toward each other, and marriages end up failing because you can no longer stand to be around each other.

Genesis 2:24
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

*first after God, of course

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Your husband never really married you. He is, in effect, married to his mother, because he is still trying to please her instead of you. It’s no wonder you feel alone and betrayed - you are!

Unless he changes, nothing is going to change. All you can do is understand the situation that you face.

I’m wondering how much his mother interferes with your children. You are in a bad situation because everything you try to put into your children, can be undermined by your husband and his family, working as a team.

I would go ahead and get some counseling for yourself, to learn how to deal with the situation you are in. If your husband will agree to more counseling, maybe a new counselor can make a dent in his defenses, but it won’t be easy.

 

[JacarandaPurple]

Why do women marry men who so obviously do not put them first? I don’t understand this. Did you not meet his parents before marriage? If it’s this egregious, didn’t you see his behavior before marriage?

Counseling might give you tools to deal with it better, but clearly nothing is going to change your husband.

Young ladies reading this: don’t marry mama’s boys! It brings you misery!

 

[exoflare]

Young ladies reading this: don’t marry mama’s boys! It brings you misery!

This is why I almost want to laugh whenever I see/hear people spout that tired old cliche about seeing how the guy treats his mother first before agreeing to marry him. I’m sure a lot of women out there followed that crazy advice only to find themselves facing the exact opposite of what they thought they should expect (being waited on hand and foot). You’re so right, though, and I’ve seen this exact same thing play out in my very own family.

 

[JacarandaPurple]

This is why I almost want to laugh whenever I see/hear people spout that tired old cliche about seeing how the guy treats his mother first before agreeing to marry him. I’m sure a lot of women out there followed that crazy advice only to find themselves facing the exact opposite of what they thought they should expect (being waited on hand and foot). You’re so right, though, and I’ve seen this exact same thing play out in my very own family.

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad advice to look at whether he RESPECTS his mother and women in general. But by adulthood or late teens (when I got together with my husband) there needs to be some distance. Respect, affection, cordiality, all those are appropriate. Waiting on her hand and foot, like a little boy trying to gain approval, fear of displeasing her, inability to make decisions independently, are all red flags.

 

[exoflare]

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad advice to look at whether he RESPECTS his mother and women in general. But by adulthood or late teens (when I got together with my husband) there needs to be some distance. Respect, affection, cordiality, all those are appropriate. Waiting on her hand and foot, like a little boy trying to gain approval, fear of displeasing her, inability to make decisions independently, are all red flags.

Exactly. The advice I always hear floating around, however, is way oversimplified compared to that. It goes something like “the way he treats his mom is the same way he’s going to treat you” without any further explanation.

 

[lily20]

Coming from a similar experience, I would not feel bad about distancing yourself from the in-laws and do not feel guilty about it. You don’t have to like them or talk to them. This will free you up to pray and focus on God when you’re not in meaningless conversations with them, taking up your precious time.

Once you husband, if he decides to, gives you the primary role, it may make it much more easy to deal with the in-laws in general. But until then, you do not have to answer to them. period.

 

[Musician]

Let your husband go alone. If anyone asks why you don’t go, reply that you are poorly treated and do not feel loved around his family. Don’t worry how it makes you look, it is simply the truth. You aren’t the villain here. His family is at fault, and so is he.

 

[hannajomar]

I have similar issues in my marriage. I recently came across the term “covert incest,” which is basically when parents depend on their children for emotional fulfillment and support which they should be getting from their spouse. Usually it has no sexual component, but often damages romantic relationships when the child grows up. I googled that term and read so many stories just like my own.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad advice to look at whether he RESPECTS his mother and women in general. But by adulthood or late teens (when I got together with my husband) there needs to be some distance. Respect, affection, cordiality, all those are appropriate. Waiting on her hand and foot, like a little boy trying to gain approval, fear of displeasing her, inability to make decisions independently, are all red flags.

He’s got to be an independent man by adulthood. It’s not just the way HE treats his mother, you’ve got to look at the whole family dynamic including the way his FATHER treats his wife. Does she rule the roost, so to speak? Is everyone afraid to anger her, oppose her, etc.? Does everything revolve around her? Not healthy. Chances are that’s the way the OP’s husband’s family is. It can take a few encounters to be able to suss this out.

If it’s a family of divorce, you look even closer at the family dynamic, because usually that leaves permanent scars unless the person has really worked on the issue in therapy, with a spiritual director etc.

I would look at decisions the prospective spouse has made - has he ever done something that his parents weren’t particularly happy about? Or has he stayed in their good graces no matter what? A man should live his own life, answering to God first, when he leaves his parents’ house, he no longer answers to them. Honoring them and being respectful to their role, of course. But needing to be accountable to them? No, that’s a red flag.

 

[Lovesthebeach]

I appreciate everyone’s feedback and advice, thank you!

I really didn’t see the Red Flags until a few months before the wedding. I didn’t know any better back then.

My husband was not brought up to be religious, so when I mentioned to him he needs to put his wife first rather than his parents, he became upset with me. That conversation ended very quick.

I visit my in laws only so I can “babysit” what goes on, and that’s because my in laws like to guilt trip and manipulate my children. Otherwise I would not be going there.

He’s got to be an independent man by adulthood. It’s not just the way HE treats his mother, you’ve got to look at the whole family dynamic including the way his FATHER treats his wife. Does she rule the roost, so to speak? Is everyone afraid to anger her, oppose her, etc.? Does everything revolve around her? Not healthy. Chances are that’s the way the OP’s husband’s family is. It can take a few encounters to be able to suss this out.

Yes, my mother in law “rules the roost”. The majority of family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc etc… are indeed afraid and are very careful around her, they will usually agree to everything she has to say, if not, she will start a world world three. And yes, everything does revolve around her, its her way, or no way… So with that said, my father in law has to give in to her “wants”, 'needs" etc… If he doesn’t want to deal with it, he then goes to my husband and treats him like a child and tells us what to do… This is one example of many…

My father in law called my husband one day, left a message since he didn’t have his phone on him, and told him that we had to come over to visit. Half an hour later, he then leaves a very nasty message to my husband asking why he didn’t pick up his phone… An hour later, my father in law drove to our house just to yell at my husband outside about why he didn’t answer his phone and that we needed to be at their place. My husband did not stick up for himself, nothing, he just locked himself into a room and stayed there for the entire day… The next day, his brother calls him up and chews him out saying how we should have came over, only because we made his mom cry for the entire day just for not showing up.

It took me a long time on how to deal with certain situations but I remain civil. I do not have any respect for these people.

I know your suppose to honor your parents, etc… But I just dont have it in me anymore to say a word to them, not even a “Hi”.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You are dealing with a very dysfunctional family. Very, very dysfunctional. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I just don’t think you’re going to have much success here. Your kids are going to be screwed up just by being around this, I hate to tell you, but they will be. If I were going through what you are, I think I would pack the kids and get the heck away as far as I could get from this mess. I would tell my husband, “Either get therapy and grow up, or the marriage is over, because I can’t be married to a 6 year old boy and not a man.”

Might be harsh, but I would be saving my children from carrying on the same way. Those people will mess your kids UP. Start saving for therapy because they’re gonna need it.

 

[JacarandaPurple]

I really didn’t see the Red Flags until a few months before the wedding. I didn’t know any better back then.

My husband was not brought up to be religious, so when I mentioned to him he needs to put his wife first rather than his parents, he became upset with me. That conversation ended very quick.

Were you unaware that you are allowed to call off a wedding? Sorry if I sound harsh, but you signed up for this.

You are dealing with a very dysfunctional family. Very, very dysfunctional. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I just don’t think you’re going to have much success here. **Your kids are going to be screwed up just by being around this, I hate to tell you, but they will be. ** If I were going through what you are, I think I would pack the kids and get the heck away as far as I could get from this mess. I would tell my husband, “Either get therapy and grow up, or the marriage is over, because I can’t be married to a 6 year old boy and not a man.”

Might be harsh, but I would be saving my children from carrying on the same way. Those people will mess your kids UP. Start saving for therapy because they’re gonna need it.

Listen to her. If you won’t save yourself, at least save your kids.

 

[Lovesthebeach]

I realize what I got myself into now, just trying to figure out how to deal with everything. I appreciate everyone’s feedback even if it was harsh

Thank you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I realize what I got myself into now, just trying to figure out how to deal with everything. I appreciate everyone’s feedback even if it was harsh

Thank you!

We don’t mean to be harsh. It’s just that you really don’t have a husband and a father for your children, since your erstwhile husband never left his family. He may want to, but can’t break free of them. Maybe with your support, the family could move away from the area? No matter what you do or don’t do, unless your husband can grow up and truly separate from his mother and father, who are at the least, extremely controlling, and may be mentally ill, you aren’t going to be able to keep your children safe from the madness. If it were you AND your husband working together, you could counteract their insanity and limit the impact they have on your kids, but with your husband in effect working AGAINST you, it’s going to be you against the rest of his family, including him. Really bad odds in that case.

Your kids cannot draw their own boundaries, they depend upon YOU to keep them safe. Think seriously about the situation you’ve put them in. How can they defend themselves? Are you going to stand up for them? I have known many an adult child who is angrier at the parent who chose not to protect them, than they are at the mentally ill or character-disordered parent who perpetrated the actual abuse.

 

[JacarandaPurple]

Your kids cannot draw their own boundaries, they depend upon YOU to keep them safe. Think seriously about the situation you’ve put them in. How can they defend themselves? Are you going to stand up for them? I have known many an adult child who is angrier at the parent who chose not to protect them, than they are at the mentally ill or character-disordered parent who perpetrated the actual abuse.

:clapping::clapping::bowdown2::clapping::clapping:

 

[m_crane]

I have a MIL who is trying very hard to gain control of her son, my husband. She plays on his emotions by making him feel sorry for her. She does this to everyone who she things can do something for her. He was calling her during work hours and slipping out of work to have lunch with her. I started to see that she was increasing her demands of his time and emotional energy. She has two daughters and is constantly gossiping to them about everything including me. It creats a lot of trouble for me. Both daughters seem to have a very disfunctional realtionship with their mom. She is 81 years old and has always had someone she depends on to keep her busy and take care of her needs give her money, her father, a girlfriend, a boyfriend These people drive her everywhere, help her with her house and become her companion. As far as I can tell she does very little for them in return.She goes from person to person with the same pattern for the 30 years I known her. Resently, she lost her girlfriend and tried to latch on to my youngest son for her shopping and excursions.

She has a great deal of money, but won’t spend any. She could easily be living in an apartment for 65 plus that provides these amenities (transportation and recreation) but she won’t do it.

Her intention is to look for the next person she can latch onto and it’s not going to be my husband or my sons.

Please set limits for your self and your husband. My husband and I have agreed to a weekly call and one visit a month. He now calls her only from home and has agreed not to slip out at work to visit her. I know this may sound harsh, but think- if your MIL really loved your husband wouldn’t she want whats best for him? And isn’t what’s best for him is to have a strong realtionship with his wife where she comes first?

If inlaw is difficult or unsupportive of the marriage is best to keep a distance (be polite and kind, I also sent cards and notes, but set boundaries)and your obligation to frequent contact to the inlaw is for emergencies only.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have a MIL who is trying very hard to gain control of her son, my husband. She plays on his emotions by making him feel sorry for her. She does this to everyone who she things can do something for her. He was calling her during work hours and slipping out of work to have lunch with her. I started to see that she was increasing her demands of his time and emotional energy. She has two daughters and is constantly gossiping to them about everything including me. It creats a lot of trouble for me. Both daughters seem to have a very disfunctional realtionship with their mom. She is 81 years old and has always had someone she depends on to keep her busy and take care of her needs give her money, her father, a girlfriend, a boyfriend These people drive her everywhere, help her with her house and become her companion. As far as I can tell she does very little for them in return.She goes from person to person with the same pattern for the 30 years I known her. Resently, she lost her girlfriend and tried to latch on to my youngest son for her shopping and excursions.

She has a great deal of money, but won’t spend any. She could easily be living in an apartment for 65 plus that provides these amenities (transportation and recreation) but she won’t do it.

Her intention is to look for the next person she can latch onto and it’s not going to be my husband or my sons.

Please set limits for your self and your husband. My husband and I have agreed to a weekly call and one visit a month. He now calls her only from home and has agreed not to slip out at work to visit her. I know this may sound harsh, but think- if your MIL really loved your husband wouldn’t she want whats best for him? And isn’t what’s best for him is to have a strong realtionship with his wife where she comes first?

If inlaw is difficult or unsupportive of the marriage is best to keep a distance (be polite and kind, I also sent cards and notes, but set boundaries)and your obligation to frequent contact to the inlaw is for emergencies only.

The problem with the OP’s situation is that her husband sides with his mother and not her. At least your husband cooperated with your restrictions. How sick is it that your husband was sneaking around as though he were having an AFFAIR!! That tells you something right there, doesn’t it? Someone mentioned emotional incest, on another thread. That is exactly what it is - and it takes a lot of strength to break free.

 

[m_crane]

The problem with the OP’s situation is that her husband sides with his mother and not her. At least your husband cooperated with your restrictions. How sick is it that your husband was sneaking around as though he were having an AFFAIR!! That tells you something right there, doesn’t it? Someone mentioned emotional incest, on another thread. That is exactly what it is - and it takes a lot of strength to break free.

Yes the sneaking part is very upsetting. I have mentioned in other posts my problem with my husbands mother and sisters. When I mentioned that he only speaks to them at work and that I felt like his sister was like a girlfriend, one poster thought I went too far.

Anyway I hope my husband and I have settled this at least for now and that he will stick to calling his family from home and a once a month visit with MIL.

As for the OP please try to get your husband to agree to some ground rules for outsiders to the marriage(your mother in law). Leaving and cleeving is vital for a good marriage. He really can’t remain attached to his mom. It’s not healthy ( and this is coming from a lady with 2 grown sons) If he can’t limit invasive contact with mom than you really need to seek counselling.
Trust your instincts about this, if you feel your marriage is threatened you need to do something about this.
No one has the right to come between two married people.