How To Deal With In Laws

[Chantal25]

Thank you for responding.

When I say I refuse to discuss the issue regarding homosexuals it is not because I am all for it. Quite the contrary, I refuse to discuss it cause I read somewhere Ephesians I believe, that “unwholesome talk” is not welcomed. Meaning to say, if you have nothing awesome or great to say and it will just make the person feel bad then do not say it. Is it in a way sort of condoning their behavior? No, not really. I am just not in the habit of giving unsolicited advise. Further, I must confess I took their (homosexuals) side when it comes to blatant discrimination re: work environment. It must be it, I am not sure. But again, I am trying to be vigilant and valiant now as a Catholic.

What I am asking is how am I going to deal with them? Do I ignore them? How do I talk to them?

Thank you for responding

I don’t think this is fair to blame this on their culture that they have a strong will etc… etc…I have seen people with strong will in all culture and i have meet wonderful Italian mothers that were completely supportive of their step daughters. This is a mother instinct. I have seen many post regarding mothers and their son marrying a women that didn’t have the same view as how to raise their grand children regarding Catholic.

I think that you need to educate yourself even more about all the challenge they bring to you. I would definitely consult with the parish priest. If you don’t want to discuss about this, maybe you could explain this to your husband and he could try to explain to them that you don’t approve same sex marriage but in your culture you don’t discuss about this.

You will have to train them to respect you and set boundaries but with prayer. Don’t let anger get in the way but first talk with your fiance.

I used to be passive and very supportive of same sex marriage, now that i understand that this is for their well being that the church doen’t support this and they truly don’t judge them. I can clearly see this from a different perspective now. I have someone that approached me saying the we were condemning gay people. I was able to reply, absolutely not, it is a sin to judge and this isn’t their fault if they are born this way. But sexuality is blessed only by marriage to reproduce. You cannot have baby with two men or two women and neither if you take contraception.

**I think that you are a blessings for their life and they will be for yours too. They are getting you out from your comfort level but you will make them re-question their approach. This can only be accomplish with prayer and total faith in God’s divine plan. **

Clearly the message your are hearing from them, is that you aren’t worthy to marry their son and to be loved by God. This isn’t about you, they clearly have a different message but what matter is how you feel. If you feel this way, please pray and ask God to remind you how much he loves you. Their son choose you from his heart and they will honor his choice. In the mid time, have faith and learn to set boundaries from a good place and educate yourself on topic they bring up.

Love and blessings to you!

 

[bonnibelle]

Hi BlueSticks,
This doesn’t sound like the best situation. If the family is making racist comments, your future father-in-law is challenging you, others are questioning your motives for marriage, your fiance is discussing relationship issues with them and you feel betrayed, this is clearly not ideal.

You need to do some soul searching and question what type of marriage you will have based on this experience.  I almost married into an unhappy Italian family and luckily I didn't go through with the wedding.   My experience with Italian families was very positive growing up, a classmate had the most loving Italian family.  So, this isn't about Italian versus Malaysian. If you search on the web and look for signs of an abusive relationship, one of the signs is you are constantly on the defensive and  having to explain yourself and no one listens. This is what happened in my case.

Please take a step back and really look into this to make sure you are making the best decision for your life. What was his relationships like before he met you? Did he talk badly about previous girlfriends, do you know if his family gave these girlfriends a hard time? Does he ever say anything derogatory about you or to you? How does his brother and sisters treat their spouses? Has your relationship changed dramatically since the beginning? Are you wondering how to get back to the “honeymoon” phase and are now walking on eggshells? These are just some questions to ask yourself.

God Bless You!

 

[Serap]

Hi BlueSticks,
This doesn’t sound like the best situation. If the family is making racist comments, your future father-in-law is challenging you, others are questioning your motives for marriage, your fiance is discussing relationship issues with them and you feel betrayed, this is clearly not ideal.

You need to do some soul searching and question what type of marriage you will have based on this experience.  I almost married into an unhappy Italian family and luckily I didn't go through with the wedding.   My experience with Italian families was very positive growing up, a classmate had the most loving Italian family.  So, this isn't about Italian versus Malaysian. If you search on the web and look for signs of an abusive relationship, one of the signs is you are constantly on the defensive and  having to explain yourself and no one listens. This is what happened in my case.

Please take a step back and really look into this to make sure you are making the best decision for your life. What was his relationships like before he met you? Did he talk badly about previous girlfriends, do you know if his family gave these girlfriends a hard time? Does he ever say anything derogatory about you or to you? How does his brother and sisters treat their spouses? Has your relationship changed dramatically since the beginning? Are you wondering how to get back to the “honeymoon” phase and are now walking on eggshells? These are just some questions to ask yourself.

God Bless You!

To add to this, I went ahead and married into my Italian family and I have to admit that it has been very difficult. I do find myself on eggshells and I do find myself on the defensive. It’s too late for me to go and get a divorce now and over-all, my life is good.

I’m just warning you that if you marry this guy, it’s going to be difficult times ahead. Since you are young, you really need to assess if this is what you want.

My life has been difficult married into this family. Would I do it all over again? I’m honestly unsure. I love my husband very much; I really do, but sometimes I wonder if I had of waited a bit longer and found someone else.

There’s no guarantees in life. I married my husband party out of deep love and partly out fear of being alone. I was 35 and thought that I was missing out on my opportunity to become a mother.

Please think about it seriously. You may have to lay down the law with fiance and see if he’ll support you and take your side. If he won’t, then perhaps marriage is not the best next step in your life.

 

[PatriceA]

To add to this, I went ahead and married into my Italian family and I have to admit that it has been very difficult. I do find myself on eggshells and I do find myself on the defensive. It’s too late for me to go and get a divorce now and over-all, my life is good.

I’m just warning you that if you marry this guy, it’s going to be difficult times ahead. Since you are young, you really need to assess if this is what you want.

My life has been difficult married into this family. Would I do it all over again? I’m honestly unsure. I love my husband very much; I really do, but sometimes I wonder if I had of waited a bit longer and found someone else.

There’s no guarantees in life. I married my husband party out of deep love and partly out fear of being alone. I was 35 and thought that I was missing out on my opportunity to become a mother.

Please think about it seriously. You may have to lay down the law with fiance and see if he’ll support you and take your side. If he won’t, then perhaps marriage is not the best next step in your life.

Having the support of the fiancé or your husband is key to any situation that involves difficulties with inlaws. My MIL didn’t become really toxic until after we were married, but there were signs when we were engaged that I should have paid more attention to, but I thought they would respect me more once we were married.

I would do it all again, because my husband has supported me 100%, beginning when those signs first started to pop up during the engagement. We may not have always handled the difficulties the way we do now, it took some time to get a handle on things. And the relationship with his parents have been all over the place from being somewhat friendly to estranged to now its just civil. But there wasn’t any time my husband didn’t support me and have my back when my inlaws would try to divide us.

To the OP, I echo what Serap has said. You need to really take a good hard look at this situation and have a long difficult conversation with your future husband. He’s got to see he can’t take his parents side over you, especially when it comes to the demeaning remarks. This will only intensify when you have children. Do you really want your child to be around people that think saying the things they do to you is normal and appropriate?

 

[Serap]

Having the support of the fiancé or your husband is key to any situation that involves difficulties with inlaws. My MIL didn’t become really toxic until after we were married, but there were signs when we were engaged that I should have paid more attention to, but I thought they would respect me more once we were married.

I would do it all again, because my husband has supported me 100%, beginning when those signs first started to pop up during the engagement. We may not have always handled the difficulties the way we do now, it took some time to get a handle on things. And the relationship with his parents have been all over the place from being somewhat friendly to estranged to now its just civil. But there wasn’t any time my husband didn’t support me and have my back when my inlaws would try to divide us.

To the OP, I echo what Serap has said. You need to really take a good hard look at this situation and have a long difficult conversation with your future husband. He’s got to see he can’t take his parents side over you, especially when it comes to the demeaning remarks. This will only intensify when you have children. Do you really want your child to be around people that think saying the things they do to you is normal and appropriate?

Yes. My husband didn’t take my side until I was pregnant. It was almost too late by then. My husband supports me now in fact, he and his sister are currently not talking. AND we own a blimming house together! How dysfunctional is that???