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JRPO
Guest
Why
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Trelow
Guest
Will do. That’s a really great idea. I have no place to put all their ****! The girls will totally flip out. I’m scared.
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SarahR
Guest
Right, to each his own…I had a year and a half when I basically did the laundry basket thing, and my stress level was crazy partially because of it. I felt like I was still stuck and in transition all at the same time until I, like someone else said, decided to get rid of half of all the clothes we had…and guess what? Life is much more livable, the house is more tidy and feels like a home rather than a stress-dump.You know, you are not expected to do everything. Sometimes we need to ease up on ourselves a tinch.
It is OK that you did not fold your laundry. It’s ok if the dishes are not put away and the newspaper is on the table.
You strive to keep some semblance of order and maintain a realistic and healthy lifestyle.
My hubby up and left one day leaving me with two small kids. There was a span of about 10 years where I folded the laundry maybe 5 times a year. We lived out of laundry baskets in my basement. I ironed what we needed daily, but it was less stressful for me then folding laundry - which my hubby had always done.
My point is - you can pick.
Fast forward…I married a man a few years ago that now does the folding once again…
OP, are you pleased with how you spend your time when the kids are with their mom? Is that time working out well for you (all things considered, of course).
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Kindness
Guest
Have you heard of The Beginning Experience? beginningexperience.org/ I’ve heard very good things about this program from a divorced friend who attended.
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JRPO
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That is simply not true. Or maybe for you it is.
Some of us are much more content sharing our lives with someone. In Genisis after God made Adam he said it is not good for man to be alone.
God intended for us to share our lives with others. I think when a couple connect when they find that special bond I believe then that that is the only way to live.
Most of us we are meant to be together to procreate "Go forth and multiply"
That is what binds us together thats what makes the world go round.
And someone mentioned in another post, someone taking the time to fold washing for you fill the car up with Gas without having to be asked those simple little things that you share together make sharing your life with someone special.
We have not been lied to.What a sad way to think. I hope you don’t go around saying that to people all the time. Most of , no all of us need a much more positive (name removed by moderator)ut than that.
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dulcissima
Guest
Because of the maternal instinct. I think women are much more likely to have a soft heart towards a man’s children than vice-versa. I honestly thought when I was ready to start looking again that I would end up with someone who already had children. In fact, in my “Looking For” section of my online profile I had said I wanted someone who was a good father. It just so happened that the only men who asked me out had never had children. But, hey, if a woman in her 40’s with 4 kids doesn’t scare prospective dates away, then I am sure a man with a few kids won’t either.
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MtnDwellar
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I wrote:
You have an opportunity. Forget about other women - for now. You have to learn to be happy alone. Happiness comes from the inside. God has already given us everything and the only things that can make us happy. Find them. Happiness comes from using the tools that God gave us to the best of our abilities. Spouses, kids, careers, etc. cannot make us happy. We have been lied to.
Find out how to be happy. Then you can you look into other things.
JRPO wrote:
I don’t know why it is not obvious. Look at people we know. Are those with wonderful spouses happy? Are the one’s with large families happy? The answer is that some are and some are not. Happiness does not correlate with outside things. Tiger Woods is a great example. Didn’t he have the things that many want and think will bring happiness? Did it work for Tiger?
Furthermore, there is a term for people who rely on other people for happiness - Codependent. A man should be confident, happy, and capable of being alone before he enters into a relationship with another person.
You have an opportunity. Forget about other women - for now. You have to learn to be happy alone. Happiness comes from the inside. God has already given us everything and the only things that can make us happy. Find them. Happiness comes from using the tools that God gave us to the best of our abilities. Spouses, kids, careers, etc. cannot make us happy. We have been lied to.
Find out how to be happy. Then you can you look into other things.
JRPO wrote:
That’s OK. Yes, I say that whenever the situation arises. Most people do not get it and I have apparently been misunderstood. I never said that it is good for man to be alone. I never said that there is not a special bond between men and women. What I am saying is that if one has not found their inner happiness which stems from love and using all of the gifts that God has given us, he will not be happy regardless of a spouse, career, children, etc. Do not rely on outside things for happiness. It has to come from within.
I don’t know why it is not obvious. Look at people we know. Are those with wonderful spouses happy? Are the one’s with large families happy? The answer is that some are and some are not. Happiness does not correlate with outside things. Tiger Woods is a great example. Didn’t he have the things that many want and think will bring happiness? Did it work for Tiger?
Furthermore, there is a term for people who rely on other people for happiness - Codependent. A man should be confident, happy, and capable of being alone before he enters into a relationship with another person.
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JRPO
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Ok so who lied to who and what exact lies did they tell
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MtnDwellar
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The liars are largely the media. Through movies, television, talk shows, and in particular advertising, they are trying to convince people that something external will bring happiness. The lies are perpetuated through our friends, relatives, and acquaintances.
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LindaSK
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This is so true, but, at least for me, has been a difficult lesson to learn. All you need to do is look at commercials/advertising - radio, tv, magazines, etc. We are constantly being told by the world that we need this or that, or a ‘partner’ (one more e-harmony ad and I will scream!!) and we will be happy. This is the lie. Tiger Woods is a great public example. I would suggest you look around at families that are truly solid. What I see in the best relationships, friendships included, is that both persons have a healthy self image that the bring to the relationship. Certainly making the best effort to see Christ in others and wanting others to see Christ in us will strengthen the bonds of any relationship. From personal experieces, I can tell you that relying on another ‘person’ to make us happy will leave us, ultimately, disappointed, and is a huge burden to place on anyone. If we see worth in ourselves as children of God, then we have so much more to bring into a relationship. It is the a sharing and not a dependancy. Then it is love. Love is a choice of the will. And only in that context can love truly grow. If you expect another person to make you happy, you sell yourself short. You can not have a healthy relationship with someone else without having a healthy relationship first with yourself. I still struggle with this, but I know it is true.
“It is not good for man to be alone.” God said it and God means it, but, we need to see our own worth first, and bring that to the table, and not expect someone else to make us feel worthy or happy. "The joy of the Lord is your strength.”—Nehemiah 8:10 Bring that strength, rather than unhealthy expectations and dependencies to a relationship, then, watch it grow.
-my 2 cents that cost me far more
I hope I didn’t misrepresent anything you said, MtnDwellar. You said it well.
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MtnDwellar
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Wow! You are right. It is a hard lesson to learn. You also said it well. The lesson teaches away from most of the other things that we have been told.
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JRPO
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You know I don’t know so much that we are lied to. Its more a case of whether we are prepared to listen to the truth.
When I talked to my ex wife about what God had to say about marriage, she did’t want to know.
St paul wrote the truth very well
Ephesians 5: 22 - 33
Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord,
23 since, as Christ is head of the Church and saves the whole body, so is a husband the head of his wife;
24 and as the Church is subject to Christ, so should wives be to their husbands, in everything.
25 Husbands should love their wives, just as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her
26 to make her holy by washing her in cleansing water with a form of words,
27 so that when he took the Church to himself she would be glorious, with no speck or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and faultless.
28 In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies; for a man to love his wife is for him to love himself.
29 A man never hates his own body, but he feeds it and looks after it; and that is the way Christ treats the Church,
30 because we are parts of his Body.
31 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and the two become one flesh.
32 This mystery has great significance, but I am applying it to Christ and the Church.
33 To sum up: you also, each one of you, must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.
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missyfatcat
Guest
I think we are lied to AND don’t want to know the truth. Many women don’t want to hear that they should subject themselves to their husbands. And many men don’t want to follow what St Paul wrote either. It’s not easy to do so in this day and age when so many people (myself included) are so selfish.
The media does portray so many lies. I remember not long ago an advertisement for a “singles” website that promoted adultry. I can’t remember their exact words, but it was something along the line of life being too short so go out and find someone else.
The media makes it seem okay to trade in a spouse every six months. The media lies through magazines. Next time you are in line at the grocery store, take a look at the magazines available. The people on the covers of those things have been airbrushed. Most of them have hair extensions, have had numerous plastic surgeries. I could go on and on.
And to the OP, do the best that you can with your children. I haven’t read all of the posts word for word, but apparently you are concerned about finding a woman who will involve herself with a man who has small children. Don’t worry about that. My fiance is widowed and has three young kids. Personally, I think it’s his experience of having lost his wife and having to raise these kids on his own that has made him the man he is.
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Trelow
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That’s reassuring, and pretty much nails the long term concern on the head.
I’m starting to get things simplified around the house, it’ll take a while, I can packrat really well, but It was a very positive experience sorting the clothes. Came out with 12 large garbage bags full of clothes to donate. That’s a lot!
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holyrood
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It’s good to see this thread. I have not yet started the divorce process, but as my husband constantly lies, including about other women, and makes no effort to rebuild the trust (somehow, buying me candy bars doesn’t count), I know that’s where I’m headed. We are definitely in what’s called an invisible divorce already, living in separate areas of the house, while he makes no attempt to come clean or rebuild the trust.
I have gone about rebuilding my life on my own. I pursue activites in which I’m passionately interested, I try to focus on my children, my relationship with God, and friendships outside the marriage. I’m pretty happy with the areas of my life that I have any control over, and do my best to offer the rest up.
I have the same fears about who would want a woman with kids-- I have more than twice what you have! Interestingly, a couple of days after I started filling out divorce forms online, I met someone who told me his mother, with 7 children, marryied a man with 5. And I have had someone show interest in me, knowing how large my family is. No, I was not doing anything inappropriate, just that he was making his interest clear, and it made me realize I’d misjudged men as a whole. There definitely are people out there willing and able to love an entire family. It doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed to meet someone, but it does make me see there’s at least hope.
I would second the idea of looking for a Catholic support group for the divorced. I’m sure I will look into one when the time comes.
I have gone about rebuilding my life on my own. I pursue activites in which I’m passionately interested, I try to focus on my children, my relationship with God, and friendships outside the marriage. I’m pretty happy with the areas of my life that I have any control over, and do my best to offer the rest up.
I have the same fears about who would want a woman with kids-- I have more than twice what you have! Interestingly, a couple of days after I started filling out divorce forms online, I met someone who told me his mother, with 7 children, marryied a man with 5. And I have had someone show interest in me, knowing how large my family is. No, I was not doing anything inappropriate, just that he was making his interest clear, and it made me realize I’d misjudged men as a whole. There definitely are people out there willing and able to love an entire family. It doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed to meet someone, but it does make me see there’s at least hope.
I would second the idea of looking for a Catholic support group for the divorced. I’m sure I will look into one when the time comes.
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dulcissima
Guest
Sorry to zoom in on the trivial, but I had to laugh out loud when I read this. For a while my ex used to come home literally every day with candy bars for everyone, like that made up for it all.
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holyrood
Guest
Dulcissima, so glad you did!
Some days, what’s left if not the ability to laugh at some of it! 
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