How to deal with my Anti-Catholic father?

  • Thread starter Thread starter JAGCath28
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JAGCath28

Guest
Hi all!

I’m going to give a brief overview of my background so hopefully this can help with your advice. I’m 25 and have been married for 2.5 years. I live in New Jersey while the rest of my family lives in Texas. I grew up Protestant (methodist, church of christ, then non-denominations and went to a baptist christian school-k5 through 12th grade). My dad grew up Catholic and then left the Church in the 70’s. I became Catholic in 2005. My husband is Catholic. His family is Catholic. This year one of my sisters is swimming the Tiber at Easter.

I want to have a charitable heart, full of love for my Dad. However, it is often very very hard. Even though he didn’t make a fuss about me converting or my sister converting, he is very adament about how HE doesn’t recognize the authority of any priest or pope. My dad follows a TV preacher, and he believes that this is the ONLY guy who has it right regarding the Bible. Easter is already a touchy subject in our family. (Please see this thread for more info… forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=317646&highlight=ishtar)

I sent him several emails a few weeks ago basically asking him not to call Easter, Ishtar. And asking him to consider not receiving communion at the Confirmation service because he is so anti-catholic. We got into an argument (if you call him yelling at me over the phone with no ability to speak, an argument), and haven’t really spoken since. We send little emails back and forth, but other than that no communication.

The latest thing that has happened is he calls me today and leaves a message reminding me that Christ died today based on his TV church’s teachings. This really upset me. I don’t know why I let it get to me like this, but I do. I know the truth. I know what I believe, but it upsets me that he has to call me and rub my face in it. I feel like he called just to spite me. He knows how I feel about this. He knows that I don’t agree with him.

In my frustration, I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this. I am striving to live a life that is pleasing to God, although I fail quite often. I want to love. I want to forgive. I want to be charitable. I want to be a walking witness of Jesus’ love for others. So, how do I respond to my dad? Do I just ignore his message? What do I do? He is going to be there next weekend for my sister’s confirmation. How do I handle myself? I don’t want to be fake, but I know that I still have some time before I have that loving heart that I want so what do I do while I’m still working on it?

Any advice?

God Bless,

Jessica
 
I don’t think anything you say will change your father’s mind or what he says for now.
The only thing you can change is how you react to him and to his words. You said
he has not been against your conversion or the upcoming event for your sister.
You want to have a loving heart and respect your father and keep family harmony
during the time you will soon have together. From my experience, I suggest you
smile and be cheerful and ignore these things your father says. Pray for patience
and strength and pray for your father. His beliefs are difficult for you to bear but
debating with him or asking him to “prove” what he says will lead to argument and
he seems to want to provoke you.
Work toward a pleasant family time together and focus on what you believe while
treating your father with kindness.
 
I’m sorry you’re having this to deal with. My advice is to simply ignore his taunts. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think that’s what you have to do. As the previous poster said, the only thing you can change is your reaction. Just pray for him.

I am curious about something though. Why would he WANT to receive communion if he is so anti-Catholic now? There must be something there that is tugging at him? Or maybe I’m way off base there.

Prayers for you as well!
 
I am truly sorry to hear about your difficult situation! I will keep you in my prayers.

St. Monica, St. Augustine’s mother, prayed for 30 years for her son to return to the Catholic Church. Her prayers were answered and St.Augustine is a Doctor of the Church whose writings and sermons still inspire us today.

Be charitable and kind, but also stand up for the Truth. If your father is rude or disruptive, forgive him and be an example of love and charity as Jesus was even to Judas who betrayed Him!

Rather than confront him directly, or in public, and cause a scene, provide him with websites and written material that he can read in private, out of the reach of the misguided people from his church. He will likely try to disprove Catholic teaching initially, as I myself did, but eventually the weight of the Truth will win out.

Jesus told us; " Brother will deliver up brother to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death; and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved." (Mt 10:21-22)

We plant the seeds, God makes them grow in His own time.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark
 
JAGCath28 said:
In my frustration, I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this. I am striving to live a life that is pleasing to God, although I fail quite often. I want to love. I want to forgive. I want to be charitable. I want to be a walking witness of Jesus’ love for others. So, how do I respond to my dad? Do I just ignore his message? What do I do? He is going to be there next weekend for my sister’s confirmation. How do I handle myself? I don’t want to be fake, but I know that I still have some time before I have that loving heart that I want so what do I do while I’m still working on it?

Any advice?

God Bless,

Jessica
Click to expand...
I have found over the years when dealing with my ex father-in-law who became an athiest after being raised a Seventh Dayer that the best method was to ignore his tryings to start an argument. I have used the same approach with my Catholic mother who at times I am sure makes a pact with the devil before she visits me.

You love your dad, but you dislike his views and how he tries to get you to see his version of the truth. You know the truth in yourself, just live it. Love him but dislike his actions. If you feel his words might upset you or get you to say words that are unChristlike, ignore him and stand firm. Pray to the Holy Spirit and other prayers to give you strength. We can’t do this alone. I had to pray a lot for assistance once to assist me to learn to forgive certain people, because I just couldn’t on my own steam.

Pray for your dad. That is being charitable. Treat him like you would like to be treated. Don’t be afraid to set certain bounderies on your interaction. You aren’t fighting with your dad here, you are fighting the darkness in him that is trying to bring you down. You don’t have to fight your dad, you just have to love him. Sure his words are going to hurt you from time to time, but that is part of being a Catholic and part of being a Christian. Not everyone is going to love us, nor our views, nor our Faith, but we can love them. A good way I have found is to simply turn the other cheek and pray for the person.

I used to get myself all in a flap before my mum visited or when I was married my father in law visited. But this is my house. In my house I don’t have to listen to garbage. If my mum wants to visit she now knows better then to try and bring me down. I stood up to her and explained the situation.

The darkness likes to get us to conflict and get one person to upset another to the point the other snips back and acts unChristian with their words and/or actions. I felt like slugging my mum once. Once my brother did. That is how bad she can be with her vicious words. But if we ignore, then the other person is only talking to themself and eventually will give up on that idea.

Sometimes with families we have to find an inner strength, and that comes from Christ and with time. It is ok to tell families that if they wish to be a part of our lives, then they respect our religion and if they don’t like it, get on your bike and ride away. I told my mum to leave my house once. She didn’t go but she certainly shut up. And if some of our families do choose to leave, then although that is sad, we know in ourselves who is our true Father, brothers and sisters, and we know in ourselves we are attempting to live by the Truth and follow Christ, and we know that sometimes by following the Truth of our Faith, we might find some come with us, some respect our choice, and some will leave.

Walking with Christ means we live our Faith, but it doesn’t mean we are in a position to convert every family member. And it doesn’t mean we have to be apologists and sit for ages bantering back and forth about what is the Truth. Because some will listen, and for those who can do so great, I can’t, but I can love the person and hate the sin and their dark words and actions. I can stand firm and set my bounderies. I can pray for them. I can continue to live the Faith in myself and hope they see that. I can go up to them and say I don’t agree with you, give them a kiss, say I love you and walk away and do my laundry.

I had to walk away from my former husband and pass him up to God. I have to try hard to ignore his attempts to bring me down with nasty emails and stupid lawyers letters. I have had to try hard to pray for him. I’ve said nasty words in retaliation and then had to confess and repent of them.

Satan often will use those closest to you to bring you down. Some family members will use guilt trips and then when we retaliate with unkind words will say, 'well you aren’t acting very Christian now are you?". There was a time I was going to burn my ex husband down in the house, and I was going to put a sign up on the front door when my mum visited saying ‘no brides of the anti-christ allowed’. With my mum sometimes I have spent more time out smoking in the back yard, or when she got to me, have to say " I am a bit tired, I am going off to lay on my bed for awhile".

It took me a long time to be able to say to myself ‘this is me’. I am a Catholic and be able to smile and stand firm in that. It took me a long time to find the right words to reply to some things in order to avoid continuing argument and risk of me saying something very unchristian. In the end it was either ignore and walk away and let them continue to prattle on into thin air, or simply say a few words such as "I am Catholic, deal with it’.

You don’t have to dread your sisters confirmation if you dad is going. You just have to stand firm and be proud you are Catholic. If you see your dad give him a kiss, tell him you love him and thanks for coming. If he starts about something tell him you have to go and help you sister or speak to someone. The darkness likes an argument, don’t give the darkness a chance to have one.

I know it is hard, and I don’t know your dad. Pray for strength and assistance from the divine before you come into contact with him. Pray for help with your words if you have to contact him and reply to his message.
 
The Catholic Church did “christianize” a lot of pagan holidays. So in that sense, Christianity triumphed over the paganism of ancient Rome to the point that it even became the official religion of the Empire. A lot of ex-catholics and some fundamentalists don’t look at it that way though. They view it is an evil “mixture” of paganism and christianity.

The truth of history, as presented by fundamentalists on one side and catholics on the other is probably somewhere in the middle, however it’s safe to say that the Catholic Church is not pagan.

😉
 
You may want to get some books by Patrick Madrid- he has written some wonderful material about apologetics, and charitably defending out faith to them.
 
I think with your conversion and now your sister’s (yay!) … your dad is having to deal with some unresolved feelings he must have, deep down, about leaving the Catholic Church. Or, it could be that he loves you both very much and thinks you are both making a HUGE mistake but he doesn’t know how to tell you that in a calm manner, or he doesn’t feel it’s his place to say, so he just throws jabs. Imagine it from his perspective, he’s a parent who’s children are going BACK to something he rejected long ago. If he truly believes the Catholic Church is wrong, it would be troubling to have that happen.

So I would continue to love him and let the comments roll right off your back. You don’t have to be a doormat though… just walk away or change the subject. Sorry Dad, I just don’t want to talk about all that … and meanwhile, the way you live your life will be a wonderful witness to him.

I give him credit for going to the Confirmation mass… most people who are totally anti-Catholic wouldn’t do that. You can’t stop him from taking communion so maybe it’s best that you just pray for him, and hope that his cable goes out? 😛

His TV preacher who has it right, it isn’t Arnold Murray is it? I hope not! That guy is several sandwiches short of a picnic.
 
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. After doing some thinking last night, I realized why his voice message upset me so much. I have been doing this thing where I HOPE that he is going to come back to the Church. I got it in my head that this was going to happen maybe sooner rather than later. I even sent him an email in response to our argument over communion…explaining (with scriptural references) WHY I felt that confession was so important in order to properly prepare yourself for the Eucharist. So…when I got his voicemail, it was like a jab in the heart because I had to face the facts that nothing I do is going to change him. Only God can which means it may or may not happen in my lifetime. It was a very sinking feeling.

As for WHY he would want to receive communion, I think someone nailed it on the head earlier. I think that his Catholic roots of the Eucharist being the most important part of the Mass still lingers, which gives me hope. I don’t know if he still believes in transubstantiation. I may brave the waters to ask, but I do know that he only receives it once a year (or more if he takes my grandparents to Mass around the holidays). And, he was so highly offended that I would try to deny him communion (which I in no way was trying to do. I just asked if he would consider not receiving unless he prepares himself as the Catholic Church instructs…i.e. confession). So I guess that is a good sign about the importance of the Eucharist.

My sister is going to ask him to go to confession with her prior to her confirmation. I am so hoping that he will go.
 
TLM08 said:
The Catholic Church did “christianize” a lot of pagan holidays. So in that sense, Christianity triumphed over the paganism of ancient Rome to the point that it even became the official religion of the Empire. A lot of ex-catholics and some fundamentalists don’t look at it that way though. They view it is an evil “mixture” of paganism and christianity.

The truth of history, as presented by fundamentalists on one side and catholics on the other is probably somewhere in the middle, however it’s safe to say that the Catholic Church is not pagan.

😉
Click to expand...
What concerns me about the whole Easter is a pagan holiday idea, is that I have 4 younger sisters. The youngest is a junior in high school. It is my middle sister that is converting. My 3rd sister (4th in line) will possibly convert in the next few years. This leaves 2 sisters with no real faith influence except for me, my dad, and their peers. If my dad goes unchallenged regarding the origin of Easter, my sisters may not figure out the truth (because it may not occur to them to look into). Anyway, it is a long story, but I feel responsible for helping them grow and teaching them. I want to be able to show them that my dad is wrong about this, not because I’m Catholic but because of historical facts.

I was considering giving a “history” lesson on the origin of Easter on Good Friday. Do you think it is pushing it?
 
Two thoughts.

First, if you haven’t already, tell the priest who is confirming your sister (if she is converting as an adult rather than as a member of the confirmation class, I’m assuming it is a priest and not a bishop who is confirming her) about your father. That way the priest will refuse your father communion. This is for the good of your father’s soul, so that he won’t add the sin of receiving unworthily to his sins.

Second, your father’s attitude suggests to me that the Church must have hurt him very badly in the past and that is why he left and hates it so badly. Do you know what that hurt may have been? Until that hurt can be resolved, your father may never be able to see pasat his pain and start coming back to the truth.
 
JAGCath28 said:
I was considering giving a “history” lesson on the origin of Easter on Good Friday. Do you think it is pushing it?
Click to expand...
No, not a good idea.

Easter is when we celebrate the risen Lord.

The date changes every year. What is important is that we all realize Christ arose!

If your birthday was June 1, and I asked you to come over on the 5th so we could celebrate your birthday - would that make your real birthday be unimportant? Nope.

Later, your example will shine on your sisters, and your dad 🙂
 
kage_ar said:
No, not a good idea.

Easter is when we celebrate the risen Lord.

The date changes every year. What is important is that we all realize Christ arose!

If your birthday was June 1, and I asked you to come over on the 5th so we could celebrate your birthday - would that make your real birthday be unimportant? Nope.

Later, your example will shine on your sisters, and your dad 🙂
Click to expand...
See I agree with you 100%. Which is why I don’t understand why he thinks that because he celebrates Christ’s resurrection THIS weekend and I (along with 99% of Christianity) celebrate it next weekend…I’m celebrating a pagan holiday. I’m not celebrating a fertility goddess or a magical bunny. I’m celebrating Christ’s sacrifice for us.

The whole idea of giving a history lesson was just to explain to my sisters (in the presence of my dad) why Easter is called Easter in English and also why Easter and Passover is celebrated at a different time each year than when Passover was originally celebrated during Jesus’ time. (i.e calendar changes)

You are probably right. I guess I should do it privately with my sisters instead of instigating.
 
Marsha_Adams said:
First, if you haven’t already, tell the priest who is confirming your sister (if she is converting as an adult rather than as a member of the confirmation class, I’m assuming it is a priest and not a bishop who is confirming her) about your father. That way the priest will refuse your father communion. This is for the good of your father’s soul, so that he won’t add the sin of receiving unworthily to his sins.
Click to expand...
You don’t think this will be a huge embarrassment for him when the priest refuses him? I thought about doing that, but I don’t want to be in trouble for judging.
Second, your father’s attitude suggests to me that the Church must have hurt him very badly in the past and that is why he left and hates it so badly. Do you know what that hurt may have been? Until that hurt can be resolved, your father may never be able to see pasat his pain and start coming back to the truth
Click to expand...
I wanted to ask him this as well, but after our recent conversations, I feel like I can’t do it. Maybe I can get one of my sisters to ask so that it won’t be coming from me.
 
JAGCath28 said:
You don’t think this will be a huge embarrassment for him when the priest refuses him? I thought about doing that, but I don’t want to be in trouble for judging.
Click to expand...
He is not Catholic and he hates the Church. This is not a matter of judging. Not attending Mass is a mortal sin, so clearly he is separated from the sacraments and has been for many years. It may be a huge embarrassment for him, but there is more than his feelings to consider, there is his soul. St. Paul wrote to the Corinthians that anyone who received communion unworthily was eating and drinking damnation to his own soul.

Even more importantly there is Jesus to be considered. Sins against the Eucharist are person, physical sins against Christ. You would not have turned Jesus over after the Last Supper to the Jews and Romans to be dishonored, to allow your father who does not believe in the Real Presence to receive Jesus in the Eucharist is tantamount to the same thing.
 
This is a very thoughtful thread. Unfortunately I have very little to add, save for this: take heart in the fact that your father will be in attendance at your sister’s Confirmation. There is hope for you and your family. 🙂

For my own part, I can be certain that my father will be playing golf or at home watching HGTV when I recieve Baptism around this time next year. I’m not sure which is worse: family whose Christianity is confused and off-base, or family whose Christianity has been non-existant for seven generations.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top