How to deal with my mother

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DonQuichote1235

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Hi all,

I have a lot of diffulculties with my mother. My parents are divorced when I was 7 (currently I am 31) and my mother got custody over me and my brother. Three times in my life I chose to not see my mother for a prolonged time (she doesn’t see her siblings for ten years and her mother she speaks rarely). The third period will end this weekend when I will see my mother again after 1,5 year. It stresses me out a little bit.

She has always been very demanding of me and criticizing me. I seldom did anything good, but would certaintly hear of her when I did somehting wrong. She never admits her own faults and it’s always my fault (or some other person’s). I think she is borderline or has some narcissistic personality disorder. But I’m not sure about that since I always think that I’m seeing it wrong about her. I don’t know if see sees the negative impact of her actions or not. Is she really sometimes deliberately evil or is it a disorder and therefore she has no guilt of her actions. If she would die today I would remember her as an angry mom that blamed me for everything. I’m always afraid around her and very aware of what I say or what I do in her presence as to not make her angry or criticizing me.

She is a very dominant mother and wants me to come as often as she would like to her house, but it takes me 2,5 hours from my house to hers. But she demands that I must come, because ‘she has also done a lot for me’. She uses that excuse for almost everything she wants from me.

I think you get the picture. Because of her I’m with a therapist for three years right now and she says that I should keep a distance from her. I will do that, but what still bothers me is the Fourth Commandment (honor your father and mother).

What does this Commandment wants me to do? Do I have to see my mother? Is it an obligation for a son to his see his parents? The thing is my father lives in the same town as my mother and I have a good relationship with my father.

I go to my father every month, but I dont want to see my mother every month too but every two months let’s say. She finds this very troublesome because she thinks that when I’m at my father’s house, I can easily come to her house to drink a cup of coffee. She thinks that if I dont do that I will hurt her. Because why is it so hard to come to your mother’s house when you are in the neighbourhood? It is not that great of an effort.

I know it will hurt her when I am at my father’s but dont go to my mother’s too when I’m in town. I know she will feel very sad about that, but I don’t want to see her that often because she makes me feel unhappy and uncertain about myself. I also want to minimize my contact with her so no calling or whatsapping between us seeing each other in real life. But I find it very difficult to say that to her. I know this will hurt her.

Do you think it is still a Catholic obligation for a son to see his mother (knowingly she will be very sad if the son doesn’t come) even when that mother makes her son feel unhappy? Do you think I have to say it to her that I don’t want her calling or whatsapping me? Even if I know this will hurt her a lot?

Thanks for your advice!
 
I think since you are in therapy about this, you should ask for your therapist’s advice and follow it. Or if you are uncomfortable with the advice, discuss with your therapist.

I am not seeing any “dishonoring” of your mother here. In fact, despite her faults, you seem to care very much about her or you wouldn’t have made this post. But there are obviously some issues in this relationship that need to be handled by a mental health professional who can help you with setting boundaries. It would be inappropriate for me or any other “strangers on the Internet”, who are not your therapist and are not close to you or the situation, to be providing (name removed by moderator)ut on this.

I will pray that your relationship with your mom is calmed and healed. God Bless you.
 
Basically, once you reach your majority … age 18 or 21, your obligation fades away.

Especially, if there is toxic behavior involved.

Reduce your telephone calls to once a week.

And do not discuss details of what is going on in your life. At this point you no longer need her advice.

Some parents can become very clingy.
 
MonteRCMS said:
Basically, once you reach your majority … age 18 or 21, your obligation fades away.
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As a general rule, this is not the case. Christian teaching indicates that we continue to have some responsibility to treat our parents with respect and be cognizant of their needs when they age. That doesn’t mean we have to follow their orders, do everything the way they like, let them have their own way in everything, move them in with us, etc and of course in toxic situations limits must be set, but the underlying principle of respect remains.
 
Respect is one thing.

BUT … it is a two-way street.

Intrusion of the toxic variety is totally something else.
 
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First off, I’d advise you to do some research on boundaries. Some people can be “trained” that way - the short version is you visit, and then you leave if she starts being critical or abusive. Ask your therapist about that though, she almost certainly knows.

Second, it isn’t disrespectful to not be around someone who mistreats you.
 
Thanks! It’s more like: should I go to her house when I’m in town (even though I don’t want to), because I know it will hurt her when I don’t come to her house? Would it be a good Catholic thing to go to her house despite all the negative things and doing that as a sacrifice?Would it be bad Catholic behaviour if I didn’t?
 
Perhaps this is an issue you may want to discuss with your Therapist, who is qualified to give you advise. God bless.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
What does this Commandment wants me to do? Do I have to see my mother? Is it an obligation for a son to his see his parents? The thing is my father lives in the same town as my mother and I have a good relationship with my father.
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First of all , the good and positive things you’re doing. You’re seeking professional help, and not trying to figure this out on your own. Second, you have your faith, and as bad as this entire experience has been, you haven’t lost it, or blamed God for all of you unhappiness it has caused you. To me this is very admirable.

The answer to your question is you’re at an age where you put God above all things, even before your father and mother. Also, you have not fully healed from the pains of your past, it is not because of petty reasons, or for no reasons at all you would not want to see your mother. I would have to know and hear your mothers side of this to be completely objective, but lets assume that your testimony is entirely true. Your mother then has to also seek help. Who knows, maybe she went through a childhood divorce as well, or she may have been scared by some event that made her do this to her own children.

What I can tell you for certain, is nothing will be more important than your faith. The further you go through life, nothing in this world can replace it, not your friends, family, wife, social status, money or anything you think empowers you. Faith and prayer will guide you to do what is right and just.

Heal from your past first, do not blame yourself or others. Do not worry so much today, because remember what Jesus said:; worrying will not add another day to your life, it will probably just take years away from it., as well as precious time you won’t have with those you love.

One day when your mother passes, being bitter will haunt you for the remainder of your life, I can assure you of that. Seek the peace of the Lord and always stay true to the gift of faith you were given. I wish you the very best, God bless.
 
I’ve been dealing with a similar situation for a while. The best thing for me was cutting off 99% of contact. Narcissistic people thrive off of the suffering of their audience, and you’re not doing yourself or her any favors by subjecting yourself to her presence. There’s a difference between taking up a cross, and putting one’s self through pointless torment. Kowtowing to abusive parents tends to fall in the latter category.
 
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I’m shocked that you would say this, Care for the elderly especially parents is an obligation we have toward our parents.
Canyou clarify?
 
Catholicos said:
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DonQuichote1235:
What does this Commandment wants me to do? Do I have to see my mother? Is it an obligation for a son to his see his parents? The thing is my father lives in the same town as my mother and I have a good relationship with my father.
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First of all , the good and positive things you’re doing. You’re seeking professional help, and not trying to figure this out on your own. Second, you have your faith, and as bad as this entire experience has been, you haven’t lost it, or blamed God for all of you unhappiness it has caused you. To me this is very admirable.

The answer to your question is you’re at an age where you put God above all things, even before your father and mother. Also, you have not fully healed from the pains of your past, it is not because of petty reasons, or for no reasons at all you would not want to see your mother. I would have to know and hear your mothers side of this to be completely objective, but lets assume that your testimony is entirely true. Your mother then has to also seek help. Who knows, maybe she went through a childhood divorce as well, or she may have been scared by some event that made her do this to her own children.

What I can tell you for certain, is nothing will be more important than your faith. The further you go through life, nothing in this world can replace it, not your friends, family, wife, social status, money or anything you think empowers you. Faith and prayer will guide you to do what is right and just.

Heal from your past first, do not blame yourself or others. Do not worry so much today, because remember what Jesus said:; worrying will not add another day to your life, it will probably just take years away from it., as well as precious time you won’t have with those you love.

One day when your mother passes, being bitter will haunt you for the remainder of your life, I can assure you of that. Seek the peace of the Lord and always stay true to the gift of faith you were given. I wish you the very best, God bless.
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strong text

Beautifully stated, Yes.
Forgiveness. Over nad over. It’s hard, but you will ahve far more problems when she passes if you don’t.
Please talk to a gentle priest about this sensitive issue.
 
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We need to make sure our parents have food, clothing and shelter, and heat in the winter.

Care for the elderly does not include allowing them to run your life.
 
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It does include forgiveness though.
I wouldn’t describe what she is doing as ruining her life. The woman sounds needy, yes. She can get help for that.
 
Don as others might have already suggested, seeking a good therapist is going to you a world of help more than anything, and there is no cause to worry about Honoring thy mother and father, the commandment is really very vague and open to interpretation, some would swear up and down that it means you must do what your parents wish for you to do , so if your parents are not catholic and you want to be catholic then what.
The scenerios and what ifs about honoring thy mother and father never end. You do the best you can to love your parents and that is all anyone can do. Don’t be afraid to seek a psychologist or some kind of professional LMHC. It beats any kind of arm chair therapy you are going to get online.
 
Thanks for all your reactions! I will see my mother next saturday for the first time in 1,5 years. I’m very stressed out, don’t know how to behave myself then. I will be at her house to drink some coffee. Somehow I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid of her being mad and me and/ or she makes me guilty and feel bad about myself.

I’m speaking with my therapist about that obviously, but I put insanely much value on how my mother sees me. I’m 31 years old and and living on my own. It’s like I am being indoctrinated or so it feels like that.

For example: she performs one time a year on stage as an amateur actor. She invites me for that, but one time I was planning a vacation in that period. She became super mad at me that I didn’t choose her performance over my vacation. It had so much value for her and implicitly called me a bad son. I had to choose another date for my vacation. In some way I just need to succumb to her desires because otherwise I will feel super bad…One time I became psychically sick and pale because of myself feeling that bad (never experienced that before).

It feel like if I don’t do what she desires, I’m a bad person. I know that I think that way consciously, but unconsciously I still am very much attached to her opinion about me. I cannot get rid of that it seems. I hope I will sometime.

Thanks!

DonQuichote!
 
Hello.

Have you checked what the Catholic Catechism has to say under this commandment?

Might also help to do some spiritual reading under this topic. And pray for your mom. It helps.

Thank you for your post.
 
crenfro said:
Hello.

Have you checked what the Catholic Catechism has to say under this commandment?

Might also help to do some spiritual reading under this topic. And pray for your mom. It helps.

Thank you for your post.
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I would be careful doing this without good guidance. There is much written out there, but I daresay many people don’t have a firm grasp on dealing with a truly difficult or controlling parent. The best way I can put it is…a lot of times, advice is based on the idea that you have two people who want to work things out and need help doing so. The problem comes when you have one person who doesn’t want to work things out because the status quo is working for them.
 
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