How to deal with my mother

[DonQuichote1235]

Hi guys,

I went to my mother last saturday and it went well I can say that. It started a little bad because she was offended I didn’t give her kisses when I entered the house, but afterwards we talked about petty things. I told her I would message her when I would come again.

My brother celebrated his birthday that weekend and I bought him 5 movies. One of those movies he already had himself. So I will change that movie to another one. The thing I want to ask you is: do I have a moral ‘obligation’ to change that movie or should the one that receives it change it? My mother would say I can/ should put in more time and energy for my brother to fix this.

Do you also think there’s a limit on the amount of money you spend on your sibling’s birthday? My mother would say that I could easily spend more money for my brother’s birthday (I spent nearly 30 dollars), because he is my brother and I have a decent income.

Thanks!

DonQuichote.

 

[Elf01]

The thing I want to ask you is: do I have a moral ‘obligation’ to change that movie or should the one that receives it change it? My mother would say I can/ should put in more time and energy for my brother to fix this.

I would say it is between you and your brother, unless it is a scenario where you would be known in the store and don’t have the receipt.

Do you also think there’s a limit on the amount of money you spend on your sibling’s birthday?

No issue there imo. I will spend roughly equal on them (depends, most of my family birthdays are clustered and the far out one may get more or less because I’d forget). On saying that my budget is tight, but unless you could afford their needs and are refusing I see no issue with having a limit, provided it is the same for each sibling.

 

[ChunkMonk]

I think it would be nice to exchange the movie, but not really required. And again, it is nice to spend a lot of money on your siblings, but not really a moral issue unless you’re being stingy. I know for me I care more about spending time with my brothers and being with them than I do about any amount of gifts (though they totally spoil me and spend way too much all the time).

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you sound like you might have some guilt issues so I’m hesitant to give advice because you shouldn’t do things out of a misplaced sense of guilt. At this point I think professional advice from a therapist and a priest are better than what anyone here can give you.

 

[MonteRCMS]

Add changing the movie to your list of things to do.

 

[lilypadrees]

Follow your heart, your instincts and your therapist’s advice. I was in a situation very similar to yours growing up. I won’t go into detail. But it was not in my best interest physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually to be around the parent who was toxic to me. But that parent and I did reconcile a few months before the parent passed away. So I am at peace with things. I pray you will find peace as well.

 

[JillyAnn]

If a relationship with your mother causes you so much distress that you have to seek therapy I think it would be a good idea to separate yourself form her completely. We are taught to separate ourselves from evil and the is what drives that attitude.
You cannot sacrifice your health and well being to cater to evil.
I was separated from much of my family as a child for similar toxic reasons and I am grateful my parents made that decision.