How to deal with overbearing parents? (BTW, I am an adult)

[discernmentinpr]

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with the opinions of my parents. I am an adult. I have a job. I am in school. Let me explain how the problem started.

Around March of 2014 I applied for a job as a hotel front desk clerk. Fine, simple enough, they were happy for me. After a few months of working at the place, I developed some issues with a co-worker. Nothing big, they just tried to get me involved in their gossip at work. I told my parents about the situation. It just came up in casual conversation.

Now, anytime I talk with my parents about work, I am criticized. They constantly complain (more so my mother than father) about how I go about things at work. However, they do not want to accept the fact that I can handle my own issues.

The funny thing is, when I was a kid, I could do anything I want. I was a good kid, and never gave my parents any reason to be concerned. This situation has transpired into other issues regarding things such as education and relationships.

How to deal with this? How to let them know that I am competent.

 

[rayne89]

Don’t share your issues about work. Show them you can handle your own issues by not complaining about them. How do they know how you go about things at work? Unless you are telling.

In order to get your parents to see you as an adult you need to not share so much. Clearly their tendency is to tell you what to do so don’t give them anything to give you advice about. “How’s work?”
“Fine.”
“Are you still having problems with your co-worker?”
“Nope.”

You can not talk them into seeing you as competent. “How’s your relationship?”
“Good”
How’s school?"
“Good.”

Don’t share your issues. Honestly that is what I did as a young adult. I did not go to my parents with my problems because they were used to parenting me. And my mother in particular always criticized me. I dealt with my issues as an adult would -without involving my parents.

 

[Xantippe]

Don’t share your issues about work. Show them you can handle your own issues by not complaining about them. How do they know how you go about things at work? Unless you are telling.

In order to get your parents to see you as an adult you need to not share so much. Clearly their tendency is to tell you what to do so don’t give them anything to give you advice about. “How’s work?”
“Fine.”
“Are you still having problems with your co-worker?”
“Nope.”

You can not talk them into seeing you as competent. “How’s your relationship?”
“Good”
How’s school?"
“Good.”

Don’t share your issues. Honestly that is what I did as a young adult. I did not go to my parents with my problems because they were used to parenting me. And my mother in particular always criticized me. I dealt with my issues as an adult would -without involving my parents.

Yes!

 

[PennyinCanada]

Have something ready to change the subject. What’s going on with them, next door, auntie Sofie. Sports. Weather. News.

Glad you’re here discussing strategy. Good luck.

 

[Auntie_A]

Perhaps you need other people to turn to for counsel. Parents, in general, can have other vested interests in your career and may not be the detached “ear” for listening to your struggles.

Not sure how old you are but there are many struggles and adjustments in the 18 to 25 age group (and for some of us, the subsequent years as well). Find good counsel, good supportive people around you whom you can trust. Sometimes it’s a lifelong search but there are people and places that understand this need.

 

[Irishmom2]

Perhaps you need other people to turn to for counsel. Parents, in general, can have other vested interests in your career and may not be the detached “ear” for listening to your struggles.

As a parent myself, I have to say this is good advice. If I am a parent, please don’t come to me with your complaints, issues and problems unless you want to hear what I have to say. You cannot expect a parent to just sit there and have no response. That’s not what parents are used to doing. You are always their son or daughter and they are always a parent. Listen to what I say, respect it, and then do whatever you want.

Or find something else to tell me about.

 

[EasterJoy]

How to deal with this? How to let them know that I am competent.

There are people who will let you train them and people who won’t. Do not try to re-train those who have taught you they won’t accept correction from you. Learn the lesson they’re teaching, and re-train yourself accordingly.

You do not let them know you’re competent. If you look to someone to validate you as competent, you give them a vote on it. If you don’t want their two bits, do not invite them to validate you. Insist that when you want their advice in the future, you will ask for it. Then never ask them for it again. Do not ask for artistic advice from someone who grabs your crayons and fixes your pictures for you. They’ve left their writing on your wall already; it isn’t going to end well.

 

[DarkLight]

As a parent myself, I have to say this is good advice. If I am a parent, please don’t come to me with your complaints, issues and problems unless you want to hear what I have to say. You cannot expect a parent to just sit there and have no response. That’s not what parents are used to doing. You are always their son or daughter and they are always a parent. Listen to what I say, respect it, and then do whatever you want.

Or find something else to tell me about.

Of course, in some of our experiences, it would be fine if our parents said what they had to say once. If my parents could be trusted to do that I’d probably tell them a lot more!

 

[Irishmom2]

Of course, in some of our experiences, it would be fine if our parents said what they had to say once. If my parents could be trusted to do that I’d probably tell them a lot more!

You are right, DarkLight, parents need to say it, and hope it was heard, once their “children” are adults.

 

[DarkLight]

You are right, DarkLight, parents need to say it, and hope it was heard, once their “children” are adults.

Even with kids…if it’s a command, say it and follow through. If it’s advice or an opinion, be prepared for it to be ignored.

One of my mother’s more annoying tactics was “well I really don’t like it when you wear your hair like that, but I guess it’s your choice…” I usually stopped doing whatever it was just to not hear from her, because she’d make her disapproval extremely and repeatedly clear, even if it was something I was technically allowed to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

As a parent myself, I have to say this is good advice. If I am a parent, please don’t come to me with your complaints, issues and problems unless you want to hear what I have to say. You cannot expect a parent to just sit there and have no response. That’s not what parents are used to doing. You are always their son or daughter and they are always a parent. Listen to what I say, respect it, and then do whatever you want.

Or find something else to tell me about.

What kind of a parent-to-an-adult we can be expected to be depends a lot on what kind of a friend-to-adults we already are, too.

If your parents never listen to their own friends’ problems without thinking this is an invitation to step in and dictate what SHOULD be done by the complainer, then do not complain to them unless commands for handling your situation are what you want. If their friends have never taught them to just offer an ear and support unless advice is specifically requested, be sure that you, their child, will not get that.

If, OTOH, they listen to their peers’ complaints and either bite their tongue with their advice or at least ask if advice is wanted before offering it, if they can offer advice to other people without taking offense when it is not followed, then the task is simply to ask them to extend this same courtesy to you. That is a far more realistic expectation.

 

[EasterJoy]

Even with kids…if it’s a command, say it and follow through. If it’s advice or an opinion, be prepared for it to be ignored.

One of my mother’s more annoying tactics was “well I really don’t like it when you wear your hair like that, but I guess it’s your choice…” I usually stopped doing whatever it was just to not hear from her, because she’d make her disapproval extremely and repeatedly clear, even if it was something I was technically allowed to do.

It goes both ways, too. My mother once asked me what I thought of an outfit she was trying on and had not purchased yet. I thought she wanted my unvarnished opinion, and I gave it. I thought the suit was* way *too much pink. She bought it, and never let me forget my ill-advised honesty.

What I realized is that what she wanted me to say was: “Forget what I think. How do YOU like it?” Then she’d think out loud for awhile, maybe I’d ask questions so she could clarify what she was thinking, and when she was done thinking she’d make her own decision. Shopping with her was much better after that, LOL!!

 

[DarkLight]

What kind of a parent-to-an-adult we can be expected to be depends a lot on what kind of a friend-to-adults we already are, too.

If your parents never listen to their own friends’ problems without thinking this is an invitation to step in and dictate what SHOULD be done by the complainer, then do not complain to them unless commands for handling your situation are what you want. If their friends have never taught them to just offer an ear and support unless advice is specifically requested, be sure that you, their child, will not get that.

If, OTOH, they listen to their peers’ complaints and either bite their tongue with their advice or at least ask if advice is wanted before offering it, if they can offer advice to other people without taking offense when it is not followed, then the task is simply to ask them to extend this same courtesy to you. That is a far more realistic expectation.

Of course, that leaves one wondering about adults who simply don’t seem to have relationships outside of their family.

 

[Xantippe]

Of course, that leaves one wondering about adults who simply don’t seem to have relationships outside of their family.

I don’t wonder at all.