How to deal with parents that are looks/beauty focused?

[Elena321]

Ive asked for help regarding this before but am still struggling.
I am a daughter(adult) with otherwise great,very loving parents except that they are very focused/impressed by beauty and are often commenting about this.
This affects and hurts me a lot as I used to be attractive but with bad/excessive aging effects im now unattractive.
Its also very common in my culture to complement people by stating “'you’re pretty”’ “'your most beautiful” and so on.
My parents never tell me I look pretty and I’m sick of this beauty “obsessed” society which seems to be everywhere including parents,facebook,general society etc.
A lot of the people who make these “beauty focussed” comments in my culture are Catholic (or other Christian) too which upsets me even more because if even Christians are so shallow who on earth isn’t?

I also don’t know how to deal with when my dad has made a comment in front of me about a woman (sometimes not much older than me) such as “not bad” (referring to the woman) or when talking to a woman on the phone from a phone company asked if she was “the attractive woman (from their companies Tv ad)”

This may seem innocent to some but to me its not innocent as its my own father and it makes me feel even uglier about my own looks and confused about healthy/moral relationships (due to the woman not being much older than me).

 

[Viki63]

Dear Elena,
It seems as if your father is the one who’s confused.
He shouldn’t make comments like that about women, especially around his daughter.
You might consider saying something along the lines of, “It hurts my feelings when you say that,” next time he does it. It might make him stop and think.

I doubt that you are unattractive, as long as you are well groomed and careful of your appearance. Of course you know that God looks at our hearts, and outward appearance means less than nothing to him.

Are your parents still attractive? I suspect not as much as they were twenty years ago. But you describe them as great and loving. Would you love them any more if they were more attractive?

It does sound like a very shallow attitude. Perhaps you could interject a comment such as, “Yes, Maria’s very pretty, but more importantly, she’s kind and generous.”
We can be the change we want to see in the world.

.

 

[Elena321]

Thanks Viki63 but when iv’e mentioned before it hurts my feelings he makes me out to be the weird one for getting upset about it.

Would anyone else feel upset in this circumstance or is it just me that’s “weird”?

 

[Sarcelle]

Thanks Viki63 but when iv’e mentioned before it hurts my feelings he makes me out to be the weird one for getting upset about it.

Would anyone else feel upset in this circumstance or is it just me that’s “weird”?

No you’re not weird.

A lot of cultures have a beauty fetish. It’s like the greatest accomplishment and duty of a woman is to be physically beautiful.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

Funny you should mention this. As a child, my biggest desire was to be a blue-eyed blond. When people said my black hair and large brown eyes were stunning and told my parents I was beautiful, I used to say, “My hair is not black; it is blond. Get it? Blond.”

It is a matter of perspective, I guess. Once I dyed my hair red with an antiseptic that they used back then. It was a red color. It didn’t take on my hair, though and I ended up with a red scalp. I wanted to change my hair color from “blond” to red.

People always said I was pretty; even the nun at school put me into a role in our school play where I would wear my hair long. In costume, it worked.

My father never liked to admit or to think I was anything special. Once he said to someone, “this is my daughter. She is no raving beauty, but she’s a good girl.” That did it! I stood there, looking at him with daggers coming out of my eyes. “What do you mean, I’m no raving beauty?” I whined.

He said, “Well, you are no Elizabeth Taylor. You’re just an ordinary kid.”

Parents don’t like to admit the truth sometimes. They don’t want their kid to get a swollen ego.

Being too look-conscious can mean calling your black hair blond, and dying your hair red with stuff you find in the medicine cabinet. Being honest with yourself is so much more liberating.

 

[Viki63]

“Beautiful” people all pretty much look alike, have you noticed?
Seriously, can you tell one Hollywood actress from another?

Their faces lack character. Look at a photo of Mother Theresa. Now she is beautiful!

.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Dear Elena,
It seems as if your father is the one who’s confused.
He shouldn’t make comments like that about women, especially around his daughter.
You might consider saying something along the lines of, “It hurts my feelings when you say that,” next time he does it. It might make him stop and think.

I doubt that you are unattractive, as long as you are well groomed and careful of your appearance. Of course you know that God looks at our hearts, and outward appearance means less than nothing to him.

Are your parents still attractive? I suspect not as much as they were twenty years ago. But you describe them as great and loving. Would you love them any more if they were more attractive?

It does sound like a very shallow attitude. Perhaps you could interject a comment such as, “Yes, Maria’s very pretty, but more importantly, she’s kind and generous.”
We can be the change we want to see in the world.

.

out of curiosity, are you latin American?

 

[PelagiathePenit]

No you’re not weird.

A lot of cultures have a beauty fetish. It’s like the greatest accomplishment and duty of a woman is to be physically beautiful.

unfortunately

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Funny you should mention this. As a child, my biggest desire was to be a blue-eyed blond. When people said my black hair and large brown eyes were stunning and told my parents I was beautiful, I used to say, “My hair is not black; it is blond. Get it? Blond.”

It is a matter of perspective, I guess. Once I dyed my hair red with an antiseptic that they used back then. It was a red color. It didn’t take on my hair, though and I ended up with a red scalp. I wanted to change my hair color from “blond” to red.

People always said I was pretty; even the nun at school put me into a role in our school play where I would wear my hair long. In costume, it worked.

My father never liked to admit or to think I was anything special. Once he said to someone, “this is my daughter. She is no raving beauty, but she’s a good girl.” That did it! I stood there, looking at him with daggers coming out of my eyes. “What do you mean, I’m no raving beauty?” I whined.

He said, “Well, you are no Elizabeth Taylor. You’re just an ordinary kid.”

Parents don’t like to admit the truth sometimes. They don’t want their kid to get a swollen ego.

Being too look-conscious can mean calling your black hair blond, and dying your hair red with stuff you find in the medicine cabinet. Being honest with yourself is so much more liberating.

Harsh but a way to keep you humble, I guess.

 

[Elena321]

out of curiosity, are you latin American?

No,Slavic but it seems this “beauty obsession” and “valuing beautiful women” is in many cultures.

 

[Elena321]

No you’re not weird.

A lot of cultures have a beauty fetish. It’s like the greatest accomplishment and duty of a woman is to be physically beautiful.

Tell me about it.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

No,Slavic but it seems this “beauty obsession” and “valuing beautiful women” is in many cultures.

it is unfortunate that a woman’s worth is often is her beauty.

 

[LSK]

Thanks Viki63 but when iv’e mentioned before it hurts my feelings he makes me out to be the weird one for getting upset about it.

Would anyone else feel upset in this circumstance or is it just me that’s “weird”?

why do you think you are unattractive? I don’t understand how one goes from attractive to unattractive.

I was beautiful when I was 20. I am beautiful today - just no longer 20…I am a beautiful 60 year old woman.

can you elaborate?

 

[chevalier]

This affects and hurts me a lot as I used to be attractive but with bad/excessive aging effects im now unattractive.

Yes, well, it seems you’re focused on beauty too. And I can relate because if you take my pictures from 10 years ago (heck, 6 even) and now, it looks like a fashion model vs a hobo. Some days I get gloomy moods from that, some days I don’t care, and laugh at it. My favourite joke goes: ‘If nobody wanted me when I looked like a model and carried a lot of promise, then they’ve got to settle with what I’m now,’ or something along these lines. Or, simply put, the loss of good looks doesn’t seem to have undermined my practical confidence much, it may even have increased it, not that I would ever call it a good thing to have lost my good looks.

Also, such evaluations are subjective, and chances are you’re simply finding it difficult to come to terms with age per se (at some point we notice we act and feel differently, and to perceive that sort of personality change in oneself and none other is sometimes unsettling) rather than actually identifying any real bad effects of ageing.

As for your dad’s behaviour, it’s certainly not appropriate from a North-American/Western-European perspective (with the South and the East being a lil’ bit different story) and probably not appropriate at all, but you don’t need to allow it to go to your heart so much and have such a defining influence on your life and your feelings. Shrug it off, you’re allowed to.

(Which is not to say it’s a bad thing that you’re sensitive to how others are objectified and want to do something about it.)

Funny you should mention this. As a child, my biggest desire was to be a blue-eyed blond. When people said my black hair and large brown eyes were stunning and told my parents I was beautiful, I used to say, “My hair is not black; it is blond. Get it? Blond.”

Because blondes want to dye black and brunettes want to dye blonde. Those with straight hair want to curl, and wavy ones want to straighten. Such is the way of women. It is known.

 

[Sarcelle]

Yes, well, it seems you’re focused on beauty too. And I can relate because if you take my pictures from 10 years ago (heck, 6 even) and now, it looks like a fashion model vs a hobo. Some days I get gloomy moods from that, some days I don’t care, and laugh at it. My favourite joke goes: ‘If nobody wanted me when I looked like a model and carried a lot of promise, then they’ve got to settle with what I’m now,’ or something along these lines. Or, simply put, the loss of good looks doesn’t seem to have undermined my practical confidence much, it may even have increased it, not that I would ever call it a good thing to have lost my good looks.

Also, such evaluations are subjective, and chances are you’re simply finding it difficult to come to terms with age per se (at some point we notice we act and feel differently, and to perceive that sort of personality change in oneself and none other is sometimes unsettling) rather than actually identifying any real bad effects of ageing.

As for your dad’s behaviour, it’s certainly not appropriate from a North-American/Western-European perspective (with the South and the East being a lil’ bit different story) and probably not appropriate at all, but you don’t need to allow it to go to your heart so much and have such a defining influence on your life and your feelings. Shrug it off, you’re allowed to.

(Which is not to say it’s a bad thing that you’re sensitive to how others are objectified and want to do something about it.)

Because blondes want to dye black and brunettes want to dye blonde. Those with straight hair want to curl, and wavy ones want to straighten. Such is the way of women. It is known.

Hmm, your post made me realize something.

I have so called Shirley Temple curls, look it up if you want to know what it looks like, yet I just bought a straightening iron to turn my hair straight.

I was getting tired of my curls getting frizzy in this humidity.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Thanks Viki63 but when iv’e mentioned before it hurts my feelings he makes me out to be the weird one for getting upset about it.

Would anyone else feel upset in this circumstance or is it just me that’s “weird”?

I hate to break it to you, but some dad’s are just like that. They will not change so the best is to pray for them. I remember as a student having a summer job where my dad worked. This supervisor was walking me around the factory and we bumped into my dad. My dad was talking to another man. The second my dad saw me and the supervisor introduced me to the other man, my father did not know what to do with himself, His smile was going ear to ear and he was just obviously so proud of me.

That night when my dad came home, the first thing out of his mouth was ‘What a humiliation, you looked like a dead beat’ A total 180 degree turn around.

Some dads are just like that. Ask Jesus just how pretty He thinks you are

 

[Gliggle]

Ive asked for help regarding this before but am still struggling.
I am a daughter(adult) with otherwise great,very loving parents except that they are very focused/impressed by beauty and are often commenting about this.
This affects and hurts me a lot as I used to be attractive but with bad/excessive aging effects im now unattractive.
Its also very common in my culture to complement people by stating “'you’re pretty”’ “'your most beautiful” and so on.
My parents never tell me I look pretty and I’m sick of this beauty “obsessed” society which seems to be everywhere including parents,facebook,general society etc.
A lot of the people who make these “beauty focussed” comments in my culture are Catholic (or other Christian) too which upsets me even more because if even Christians are so shallow who on earth isn’t?

I also don’t know how to deal with when my dad has made a comment in front of me about a woman (sometimes not much older than me) such as “not bad” (referring to the woman) or when talking to a woman on the phone from a phone company asked if she was “the attractive woman (from their companies Tv ad)”

This may seem innocent to some but to me its not innocent as its my own father and it makes me feel even uglier about my own looks and confused about healthy/moral relationships (due to the woman not being much older than me).

Elena,

its a tricky one. I am trying not to comment on my three year old daughters looks, because I read in St Therese, the little flowers diary, that her parents made a point of never ever calling her beautiful, because they did not want her to find worth in that. She none-the less treasured a positive comment someone once made about her appearance. Human nature.

I now know how much self control her parents must have had; my little daughters appearance delights me, I really have to stop myself from exclaiming how beautiful she is and sometimes I do anyway. She actually is normal looking. I think this is a bad habit many have in our culture, and it took a pair of saints (Therese’s parents) to avoid it completely. So go easy on your parents, plus, they probably still think you are beautiful, even if you don’t feel that way. I think all you can do is not pass this burden on to others, if you have children, or nieces or nephews, or family friends, it’s good not to make a fuss of there appearance. It’s good to ask about their interests or achievements instead.

I feel very depressed when I think how much time and thought and energy I gave to my appearance during my teens and twenties. What a disgraceful waste of youth. And I really honestly believed it was the only way people would love me. I know part of me still believes it because its hardwired into us girls from birth. I know it is so entrenched in our culture, but I think we can make small changes by the way we treat the next generation.

 

[Sarcelle]

Elena,

its a tricky one. I am trying not to comment on my three year old daughters looks, because I read in St Therese, the little flowers diary, that her parents made a point of never ever calling her beautiful, because they did not want her to find worth in that. She none-the less treasured a positive comment someone once made about her appearance. Human nature.

I now know how much self control her parents must have had; my little daughters appearance delights me, I really have to stop myself from exclaiming how beautiful she is and sometimes I do anyway. She actually is normal looking. I think this is a bad habit many have in our culture, and it took a pair of saints (Therese’s parents) to avoid it completely. So go easy on your parents, plus, they probably still think you are beautiful, even if you don’t feel that way. I think all you can do is not pass this burden on to others, if you have children, or nieces or nephews, or family friends, it’s good not to make a fuss of there appearance. It’s good to ask about their interests or achievements instead.

I feel very depressed when I think how much time and thought and energy I gave to my appearance during my teens and twenties. What a disgraceful waste of youth. And I really honestly believed it was the only way people would love me. I know part of me still believes it because its hardwired into us girls from birth. I know it is so entrenched in our culture, but I think we can make small changes by the way we treat the next generation.

Come to think of it though, physical beauty is what is primarily valued in women. I wish I could say it is true only in the secular world. It is also true in the Christian world. After all, Christianity, especially Evangelical Christianity, says the highest calling of a woman is in being a wife and mother. Well you have to be able to attract a man first and get him to marry you so you could be a wife and mother. The chief way to do this is through physical beauty. Sure other qualities come to play but physical beauty is what starts the ball rolling. After all a man makes the decision to approach a woman based on how physically attractive she is.

On the other hand, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[mommy_k]

I have been following this thread and just wanted to mention there is nothing wrong with actually looking pretty and taking time to do so. I have been made to feel guilty here because I am one of the ones who does care to look nice and care how my children put themselves together. I don’t feel this is wasted time either.i even did this when my kids were young and babies…

As for my children both the girls and the boys, i have taught them to have an appearance that does not detract. If any of them came to my place of business looking like a ragamuffin, or went to church looking the same, I would let them know. I would not do this to hurt them, it would be stating a fact.

If someone is depressed because they feel they are not beautiful, yet, puts zero effort into looking better I have no sympathy. If you are making the effort, and someone still has hurtful comments it’s one thing…but that’s not what I am reading here

If someone is sad because thier house is a mess for example, yet makes no effort to clean it, uses excuses on why it’s wrong to be focused on externals or blames it on society, marriage, singlenesss, and so on, it’s the same thing…and then soneone else points it out–they blame the other person?

 

[Elena321]

I have been following this thread and just wanted to mention there is nothing wrong with actually looking pretty and taking time to do so. I have been made to feel guilty here because I am one of the ones who does care to look nice and care how my children put themselves together. I don’t feel this is wasted time either.i even did this when my kids were young and babies…

As for my children both the girls and the boys, i have taught them to have an appearance that does not detract. If any of them came to my place of business looking like a ragamuffin, or went to church looking the same, I would let them know. I would not do this to hurt them, it would be stating a fact.

If someone is depressed because they feel they are not beautiful, yet, puts zero effort into looking better I have no sympathy. If you are making the effort, and someone still has hurtful comments it’s one thing…but that’s not what I am reading here

If someone is sad because thier house is a mess for example, yet makes no effort to clean it, uses excuses on why it’s wrong to be focused on externals or blames it on society, marriage, singlenesss, and so on, it’s the same thing…and then soneone else points it out–they blame the other person?

Your comment "
If someone is depressed because they feel they are not beautiful, yet, puts zero effort into looking better I have no sympathy. If you are making the effort, and someone still has hurtful comments it’s one thing…but that’s not what I am reading here…"
Was that referring to me?
If yes,thats not the situation with me and I’m not sure where you got that from.
I wear makeup and definitely don’t wear frumpy clothes or “let self go”.
However,i think its irrelevant whether a woman chooses to wear makeup or not etc,theres still too much emphasis put on womens looks/that they should look attractive to be worthy,measure up,get a certain job,get compliments etc.
This makes women who are “unattractive” (whether by nature or from severe aging) feel horrible & I don’t think the answer is just “try harder” with more makeup,brighter clothes and cosmetic surgery.
Of course though,if someone enjoys making themselves feel pretty for the fun of it instead of society pressure and expectations then I wouldn’t want them to feel guilty for that either.