How to deal with parents that are looks/beauty focused?

[mommy_k]

Your comment "
If someone is depressed because they feel they are not beautiful, yet, puts zero effort into looking better I have no sympathy. If you are making the effort, and someone still has hurtful comments it’s one thing…but that’s not what I am reading here…"
Was that referring to me?
If yes,thats not the situation with me and I’m not sure where you got that from.
I wear makeup and definitely don’t wear frumpy clothes or “let self go”.
However,i think its irrelevant whether a woman chooses to wear makeup or not etc,theres still too much emphasis put on womens looks/that they should look attractive to be worthy,measure up,get a certain job,get compliments etc.
This makes women who are “unattractive” (whether by nature or from severe aging) feel horrible & I don’t think the answer is just “try harder” with more makeup,brighter clothes and cosmetic surgery.
Of course though,if someone enjoys making themselves feel pretty for the fun of it instead of society pressure and expectations then I wouldn’t want them to feel guilty for that either.

No this was not directed at you. The tone of the thread this was directed that taking time to look nice is so unimportant and for those of us who do take the time are somehow misguided, less focused on important things and so on…and then posters are depressed because of how people or parents respond to thier beliefs regarding this area. This is not being accountable and if
the external is so unimportant to them, comments from others would not bother them.

If they are not sad about it, then it’s all good.

However,if something was bothering me, I would not criticize people who have gifts whatever they are, whether it is beauty, brains, or what have you., or the work put into it. Iwould look to do my best with what I have, and not find faults with why people are smart, or beautiful or whatever. That is not charitable.

 

[Elena321]

No this was not directed at you. The tone of the thread this was directed that taking time to look nice is so unimportant and for those of us who do take the time are somehow misguided, less focused on important things and so on…and then posters are depressed because of how people or parents respond to thier beliefs regarding this area. This is not being accountable and if
the external is so unimportant to them, comments from others would not bother them.

If they are not sad about it, then it’s all good.

However,if something was bothering me, I would not criticize people who have gifts whatever they are, whether it is beauty, brains, or what have you., or the work put into it. Iwould look to do my best with what I have, and not find faults with why people are smart, or beautiful or whatever. That is not charitable.

Thanks for clarifying.
I’m the OP.I think I’m the only one that mentioned regarding parents.Other posters mentioned about their views on beauty/makep etc but in a separate context from parents.

In my situation,it isn’t that I have any strong/concrete view on whether women should “beautify herself” or keep it simple.For me its more that I have lost my looks but still have to be surrounded by people ( parents,Facebook,everyday life) having an excessive focus on beauty and a culture that dictates that women should care that much about looking pretty and should compliment each other-eg:some of the comments I hear:
“pretty” (not said to me)
“most beautiful”
Your more handsome than our neighbour"" (said matter of factly by my mother to my father)
“Why are they married when hes more attractive than she is?” said by my mother.
“Shes so ugly” said from my mother about someone on TV.
“That child has nothing cute/attractive about them” Said by my mother when watching the TV show Malcome in the Middle (about character “Malcome”) OMG she cant even understand the show due to not speaking English but she still has the ability to comment on the childs looks! (in our language)

My fathers not much better.They were very attractive in their youth and have a high/critical standard of what is beauty & therefore have never thought/said that I looked pretty etc.

I have tried to ignore the comments & ignore Facebook etc but I feel like I’m just being fake & dishonest.

When it matters than much to be beautiful/attractive,if something happen to make you no longer are,it can hurt very much.

 

[mommy_k]

First, you do not need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself…and let me share with you something many don’t know about from another point of view.

My life growing up with my mom ans sister was the complete oppsite. They were ok looking, but I was blessed with the genes of my dad --i come from Italian family yet I got the blonde hair and thin frame, with northern Italian bonestructue, that my mother and sister desired…

My mother, would criticize me every time I was getting ready in themorning, telling me how vain I was, no one cared how i look and so on…andI was just combing my hair. I never did or said anything, took a regular time getting ready and so on…I was a little child when this was going on.

She stopped buying me new clothes at about 12years old, yet sis had a new outfit every couple of weeks. Money was not the issue I also was not allowed to use a hairdryer, or anything that could conceivably considered a grooming aide…

I was not allowed to answer the door when sis had a date, I had to stay in my room. If I was in a shy mood, was called stuck up…my sister was allowed to go to the salon and i was not. I had to get on the scale when sister was on a diet so she could compare weight

. I was punished daily for stupid things, and i was called the dumb blonde, even though my grades were better then sis. For many years I downplayed as a child to survive this. This is just the tip of the iceburg, but you get the picture.

Mom did not come to help to pick out my wedding dress with me as i was told I just wanted attention. Sis did not come to my wedding as she was busy.

Today, it’s no different, but I do not see them and it is so freeing–for me to actually have fun with makeup, clothes and so on…and not be made to feel guilty for something I had nothing to do with, and to feel bad about how i looked…I was dealing with crazy jealous people. The last time I saw them, they critiqued me again for having highlights, and being thin–how much did I weigh, and I am still wasting dh’s money on salon? They called me stepford wife…ugh.

As a parent myself, I love all my children, no matter which one is more beautiful or not…I am sure your parents love you too. They are just insensitive. If they dragged you for procedures, to the salon and things like this, then worry…kwim?

 

[chevalier]

Hmm, your post made me realize something.

I have so called Shirley Temple curls, look it up if you want to know what it looks like, yet I just bought a straightening iron to turn my hair straight.

I was getting tired of my curls getting frizzy in this humidity.

You’ll get tired of straight hair too, eventually.

 

[Elena321]

First, you do not need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself…and let me share with you something many don’t know about from another point of view.

My life growing up with my mom ans sister was the complete oppsite. They were ok looking, but I was blessed with the genes of my dad --i come from Italian family yet I got the blonde hair and thin frame, with northern Italian bonestructue, that my mother and sister desired…

My mother, would criticize me every time I was getting ready in themorning, telling me how vain I was, no one cared how i look and so on…andI was just combing my hair. I never did or said anything, took a regular time getting ready and so on…I was a little child when this was going on.

She stopped buying me new clothes at about 12years old, yet sis had a new outfit every couple of weeks. Money was not the issue I also was not allowed to use a hairdryer, or anything that could conceivably considered a grooming aide…

I was not allowed to answer the door when sis had a date, I had to stay in my room. If I was in a shy mood, was called stuck up…my sister was allowed to go to the salon and i was not. I had to get on the scale when sister was on a diet so she could compare weight

. I was punished daily for stupid things, and i was called the dumb blonde, even though my grades were better then sis. For many years I downplayed as a child to survive this. This is just the tip of the iceburg, but you get the picture.

Mom did not come to help to pick out my wedding dress with me as i was told I just wanted attention. Sis did not come to my wedding as she was busy.

Today, it’s no different, but I do not see them and it is so freeing–for me to actually have fun with makeup, clothes and so on…and not be made to feel guilty for something I had nothing to do with, and to feel bad about how i looked…I was dealing with crazy jealous people. The last time I saw them, they critiqued me again for having highlights, and being thin–how much did I weigh, and I am still wasting dh’s money on salon? They called me stepford wife…ugh.

As a parent myself, I love all my children, no matter which one is more beautiful or not…I am sure your parents love you too. They are just insensitive. If they dragged you for procedures, to the salon and things like this, then worry…kwim?

Thanks for sharing from a different perspective.
It is sad that it has affected your family so much to get to this point.
I wonder if your mum also had a sister/s that was classed as prettier for her to be so affected to treat her own children differently?