How to deal with sexual humour culture at work?

[LittleWay84]

I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve posted this in the right section but wasn’t sure where else to put it!

I’m currently working with a large group of men (20+) from teenagers to 40+. I’m a 32 year old woman.

I find that there is somewhat of a culture of constantly making sexual comments as jokes and I feel quite uncomfortable with it. A lot of my job with these men is managing/overseeing a project and involves a lot of direct communication. I’m finding comments aren’t just made around me but at me I.e “There she is on her knees again, she spends a lot of her time on her knees I bet” or at lunch, they were making sexual comments about how I was eating a banana. I know, really immature. But it’s constant and, if I’m honest I feel a little bit like I want to cry tonight, Pathetic right?

I’m by no means a prude but I do feel quite disrespected. When I was younger I probably would have laughed it off or pretended it didn’t bother me but I’m sick of pretending now.

A couple of times today I made comments like, “Excuse me, I’m a lady, I’d rather you didn’t speak like that about me.” and (genuinely) “I’m sorry but I didn’t understand that joke/don’t know what you mean.” When a sexual innuendo was made that I didn’t get. However, they just kept saying “Lady, yeah right? You love it really. You’re as dirty as the next person etc.”

At one point during lunch, they started taking out pictures of their genitals that they had taken on their phones and started passing it about and then trying to show them to me.

It may sound silly but I was really offended. I’d just been to mass. I’ve been fighting so hard to commit to purity of mind, heart and body and it’s a constant struggle. I am a virgin, have never seen a naked man in real life and have never seen porn. I know - I might as well be a unicorn right? But honestly…I kind of want to protect whatever ever purity I have and have a kind of innocence I guess.

I ended up saying, “Excuse me but I really don’t want to see those images. I’m going to have to leave.” I left the room and they actually followed me to carry all of this on.

I really don’t know how to handle this. If I take it to senior management they make out that I am a prude/repressed and need to get over it. I work in a field that is full of very liberal minded people which in some ways is great but in others not so,

Do any of you have any advice please? Is there anyway I can communicate better to prevent this or is it just the way of the world now?

 

[1ke]

Two words: human resources

What they are doing is sexual harassment and it is not legal. Take your concerns to HR and file a formal complaint. You have told them to stop, and they have not. It is now time for the company to put them on notice that this is illegal and unacceptable behavior.

Oh, well, wait you are in the UK. I don’t know what the laws are there. But I would hope that they’re similar to the US where this is called a hostile work environment and is illegal. So is retaliation if you report it and they do things to try to get you in trouble or make you quit, same for others in the company.

You also should report it to your own boss, if you are a manager over these people you need to tell them directly there will be no more of this talk or you will begin the discipline process to terminate their employment.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve posted this in the right section but wasn’t sure where else to put it!

I’m currently working with a large group of men (20+) from teenagers to 40+. I’m a 32 year old woman.

I find that there is somewhat of a culture of constantly making sexual comments as jokes and I feel quite uncomfortable with it. A lot of my job with these men is managing/overseeing a project and involves a lot of direct communication. I’m finding comments aren’t just made around me but at me I.e “There she is on her knees again, she spends a lot of her time on her knees I bet” or at lunch, they were making sexual comments about how I was eating a banana. I know, really immature. But it’s constant and, if I’m honest I feel a little bit like I want to cry tonight, Pathetic right?

I’m by no means a prude but I do feel quite disrespected. When I was younger I probably would have laughed it off or pretended it didn’t bother me but I’m sick of pretending now.

A couple of times today I made comments like, “Excuse me, I’m a lady, I’d rather you didn’t speak like that about me.” and (genuinely) “I’m sorry but I didn’t understand that joke/don’t know what you mean.” When a sexual innuendo was made that I didn’t get. However, they just kept saying “Lady, yeah right? You love it really. You’re as dirty as the next person etc.”

At one point during lunch, they started taking out pictures of their genitals that they had taken on their phones and started passing it about and then trying to show them to me.

It may sound silly but I was really offended. I’d just been to mass. I’ve been fighting so hard to commit to purity of mind, heart and body and it’s a constant struggle. I am a virgin, have never seen a naked man in real life and have never seen porn. I know - I might as well be a unicorn right? But honestly…I kind of want to protect whatever ever purity I have and have a kind of innocence I guess.

I ended up saying, “Excuse me but I really don’t want to see those images. I’m going to have to leave.” I left the room and they actually followed me to carry all of this on.

I really don’t know how to handle this. If I take it to senior management they make out that I am a prude/repressed and need to get over it.** I work in a field that is full of very liberal minded people which in some ways is great but in others not so,**

Do any of you have any advice please? Is there anyway I can communicate better to prevent this or is it just the way of the world now?

I don’t know how it is in the UK, but in the US, most “liberal-minded” people would shrivel up with embarrassment at the idea of chasing a woman around trying to show her dirty pictures.

That’s NOT ok.

Senior management, if they have any brains, will realize that their guys are creating a huge legal liability for them.

 

[LittleWay84]

Thanks to you!

Unfortunately, I can’t go to HR because I am a freelancer/self-employed. Companies contract me to work on or manage projects. On this project there are two people who have hired me so I guess are more senior but both of them are themselves quite sexually liberal. One would describe himself as a “raving queen”, the other, a woman, would say “It’s just men being men.”

It’s happened to me in other settings, outside of work. I think it could be part of the culture in this part of the U.K. I don’t know if there is anyway I could change my attitude/responses so I don’t attract this kind of behaviour. If there is a better way of communicating the way I expect to be treated?

 

[AdamP88]

Prude?..do you really think anyone in their right mind would call you a prude for complaining about what is some seriously disturbing sexual harassment. You should start writing all this down. That sort of behaviour is completely unprofessional and offensive. I work in a filling station/shop and there are other men there who might make the odd crass comment, but if they carried on like you describe they’d be loafed out of their job ASAP.

What you are describing is illegal and could land these men in serious trouble. I would report it immediately to whatever supervisor they answer to. By the sounds of it you already have the makings of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

 

[AdamP88]

Thanks to you!

Unfortunately, I can’t go to HR because I am a freelancer/self-employed. Companies contract me to work on or manage projects. On this project there are two people who have hired me so I guess are more senior but both of them are themselves quite sexually liberal. One would describe himself as a “raving queen”, the other, a woman, would say “It’s just men being men.”

It’s happened to me in other settings, outside of work. **I think it could be part of the culture in this part of the U.K. **I don’t know if there is anyway I could change my attitude/responses so I don’t attract this kind of behaviour. If there is a better way of communicating the way I expect to be treated?

I don’t think British culture ever involved men chasing women to show them pictures of their penises.

 

[LittleWay84]

I don’t think British culture ever involved men chasing women to show them pictures of their penises.

I don’t mean that specific example but more the tendency to be very open about discussing sex or using sexual language/jokes even just minutes after meeting someone. This has been my experience quite frequently. I live in a very “rough” part of England.

Thank you for your advice. If it was a regular office type environment I would go to HR but I don’t have that kind of protection above me unfortunately. And I suppose I feel sometimes you have to fight your own battles and I’m interested in how to communicate these standards of how I expect to be spoken to or how to command greater respect, if that makes any sense.

At least the replies so far on here make me feel less like I’m over reacting! Very different from my friends’ responses.

 

[Lou2U]

Thanks to you!

Unfortunately, I can’t go to HR because I am a freelancer/self-employed. Companies contract me to work on or manage projects. On this project there are two people who have hired me so I guess are more senior but both of them are themselves quite sexually liberal. One would describe himself as a “raving queen”, the other, a woman, would say “It’s just men being men.”

It’s happened to me in other settings, outside of work. I think it could be part of the culture in this part of the U.K. I don’t know if there is anyway I could change my attitude/responses so I don’t attract this kind of behaviour. If there is a better way of communicating the way I expect to be treated?

No, this isn’t cultural. It’s completely disrespectful to you and it isn’t your fault.

When they start, stay calm. Part of the reason they’re doing it is to get a reaction from you, especially if you sound embarrassed or upset. I would probably say something along the lines of “I can hear you and I don’t appreciate it at all. Do you think you could have some respect for me as a colleague and not make those comments/jokes/ect?”. If it’s a picture, something like: “There is nothing on this earth that would make me look at those pictures. I’m going to leave, have a shred of dignity and respect and do not follow me”.

Is there any way you could speak to the companies you work with and tell them you are being sexually harassed?

Lou

 

[AdamP88]

I don’t mean that specific example but more the tendency to be very open about discussing sex or using sexual language/jokes even just minutes after meeting someone. This has been my experience quite frequently. I live in a very “rough” part of England.

Thank you for your advice. If it was a regular office type environment I would go to HR but I don’t have that kind of protection above me unfortunately. And I suppose I feel sometimes you have to fight your own battles and I’m interested in how to communicate these standards of how I expect to be spoken to or how to command greater respect, if that makes any sense.

At least the replies so far on here make me feel less like I’m over reacting! Very different from my friends’ responses.

You’re certainly not over-reacting. I would have thought that most workplaces would have policies about sexual behaviour at work. If it’s a large company they might have. You should see if such a policy exists.

I would say you would have to be more assertive about this if they continue. If they feel like they are getting the better of you they won’t stop. It sounds like kids in a classroom looking for a reaction from the teacher. Don’t react. Act bored or like you don’t care. If the behaviour continues just ask them if they are going to stare at pictures of their own genitals all day or do some work. Try not to appear like it affects you.

Even if the behaviour shocks you, make it look like you’re just taking it in your stride.

That would be my advice if you can’t do anything else. I would also try to discover if there is any body that deals with workplace complaints and make a complaint.

 

[LittleWay84]

No, this isn’t cultural. It’s completely disrespectful to you and it isn’t your fault.

When they start, stay calm. Part of the reason they’re doing it is to get a reaction from you, especially if you sound embarrassed or upset. I would probably say something along the lines of “I can hear you and I don’t appreciate it at all. Do you think you could have some respect for me as a colleague and not make those comments/jokes/ect?”. If it’s a picture, something like: “There is nothing on this earth that would make me look at those pictures. I’m going to leave, have a shred of dignity and respect and do not follow me”.

**Is there any way you could speak to the companies you work with and tell them you are being sexually harassed? **

Lou

Thanks Lou, yes - I think I could mention it to the director of the company. I like the examples you have given, they are really helpful as they come across much stronger than I would have put it.

You’re certainly not over-reacting. I would have thought that most workplaces would have policies about sexual behaviour at work. If it’s a large company they might have. You should see if such a policy exists.

I would say you would have to be more assertive about this if they continue. If they feel like they are getting the better of you they won’t stop. It sounds like kids in a classroom looking for a reaction from the teacher. Don’t react. Act bored or like you don’t care. If the behaviour continues just ask them if they are going to stare at pictures of their own genitals all day or do some work. Try not to appear like it affects you.

Even if the behaviour shocks you, make it look like you’re just taking it in your stride.

That would be my advice if you can’t do anything else. I would also try to discover if there is any body that deals with workplace complaints and make a complaint.

AdamPeter, this is really also very helpful. I think I’d thought by ignoring it/acting bored I was
almost giving permission for them to behave this way around me. But I actually think you are right. Calling out the behaviour/drawing attention to it seemed to egg them on.

It’s a community arts based job for a new, small company so I think boundaries have not been established or policies developed yet. I have less than a month to go on this project and I think it’s best I mention it in my evaluation lest it happen to anyone else.

 

[1ke]

Thanks to you!

Unfortunately, I can’t go to HR because I am a freelancer/self-employed.

In the U.S. that is not relevant. Harassment can occur between employees, employee to customer, employee to contractor, and vice versa. The company is still liable. You should consult someone knowledgeable on the laws in the UK.

 

[1ke]

Thanks Lou, yes - I think I could mention it to the director of the company. I like the examples you have given, they are really helpful as they come across much stronger than I would have put it.

Yes. Do report it. “You may not be aware, but this is these are the things your employees are saying and doing on the job site with female employees and contractors. I want this harassing behavior to stop.”

 

[Lou2U]

Yes. Do report it. “You may not be aware, but this is these are the things your employees are saying and doing on the job site with female employees and contractors. I want this harassing behavior to stop.”

Yes.

Stay calm but be firm. Don’t give them the reaction they want. You don’t have to put up with this, nor should you be expected to.

Lou

 

[WJeffrey]

As an American, it is hard to believe this behavior could happen in the civilized world. This would not have been tolerated 30 years ago in the US. It makes me sad to hear there is little legal recourse in Great Britain. You will be in my prayers. No one should have to deal with what you are dealing with.

 

[Isca]

I worked with men all my life in England, and although there was often some good-natured bloke-ish behaviour, no-one ever did anything like you’ve described.

It is not acceptable and I agree that you should have a quiet word with the director. You can’t really stop men making comments between themselves, but you shouldn’t have to be dragged into the banter if you’ve asked them to leave you out of it. Their HR policies should cover everyone, including people who are working as contractors.

As for chasing you with the pics on their phones, that’s such a bizarre and wrong thing to do. If someone did it to you when you were outside the office, you would complain to the police. It’s lewd behaviour and a criminal offence if it’s being forced upon you.

 

[LittleWay84]

Thanks all!

Just to add, the U.K. does have very good employment law and HR practice but the nature and field of my work is very much open to be a minefield. It is just the nature of working in the Arts and particularly community arts (where I could he hired to run a youth offending project or project with people who have run into trouble in some way) as a freelancer. It’s an odd way of working.

I should also add, that I think these guys see it as “blokey banter”. Their attitude seemed to be “there’s no harm done” and that it’s all one big joke, but their humour does leave me feeling disrespected.

In thinking about all of this, I do feel that there is one ring leader and perhaps some of the younger men try to follow his lead and impress him. My last relationship was at times emotionally abusive and I have noticed that some of this man’s behaviour is behaviour that I am now on guard against thanks to my ex. For example, I may say “I don’t like being referred to in that way, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” he would say something like, “Now that’s not true, you are fine with it stop pretending. That’s not what she said last night lads!” So a) trying to tell me who I am/what I feel b) absolving himself from the result of his behaviour c) embarrassing me in front of the group. He is quite opinionated and cocky and I’ll admit to feeling intimidated by him much of the time.

I may ask for guidance from the Director of the company about how to deal specifically with this man’s attitude towards me. I only see her rarely but I feel this warrants a meeting!

 

[1ke]

Thanks all!

Just to add, the U.K. does have very good employment law and HR practice but the nature and field of my work is very much open to be a minefield. It is just the nature of working in the Arts and particularly community arts (where I could he hired to run a youth offending project or project with people who have run into trouble in some way) as a freelancer. It’s an odd way of working.

You are making excuses for the abusers. Stop!!! It is NOT the nature of the field. It is NOT “just how it is” if you are a contractor. This is ABUSE and you need to report it. The abuser is counting on you remaining silent.

For example, I may say “I don’t like being referred to in that way, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” he would say something like, “Now that’s not true, you are fine with it stop pretending. That’s not what she said last night lads!”

“I said stop and I mean now. My next stop is your supervisor and human resources.”

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks all!

Just to add, the U.K. does have very good employment law and HR practice but the nature and field of my work is very much open to be a minefield. It is just the nature of working in the Arts and particularly community arts (where I could he hired to run a youth offending project or project with people who have run into trouble in some way) as a freelancer. It’s an odd way of working.

I should also add, that I think these guys see it as “blokey banter”. Their attitude seemed to be “there’s no harm done” and that it’s all one big joke, but their humour does leave me feeling disrespected.

In thinking about all of this, I do feel that there is one ring leader and perhaps some of the younger men try to follow his lead and impress him. My last relationship was at times emotionally abusive and I have noticed that some of this man’s behaviour is behaviour that I am now on guard against thanks to my ex. For example, I may say “I don’t like being referred to in that way, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” he would say something like, “Now that’s not true, you are fine with it stop pretending. That’s not what she said last night lads!” So a) trying to tell me who I am/what I feel b) absolving himself from the result of his behaviour c) embarrassing me in front of the group. He is quite opinionated and cocky and I’ll admit to feeling intimidated by him much of the time.

I may ask for guidance from the Director of the company about how to deal specifically with this man’s attitude towards me. I only see her rarely but I feel this warrants a meeting!

Yes.

And there’s a lot more hope if it’s one guy ring-leading.

 

[LittleWay84]

You are making excuses for the abusers. Stop!!! It is NOT the nature of the field. It is MOT “just how it is” if you are a contractor. This is ABUSE and you need to report it. The a user is counting on you remaining silent.

“I said stop and I mean now. My next stop is your supervisor and human resources.”

I do not have a supervisor. This is my project that I am running largely alone. There is no human resources department. And I’m afraid that yes, it is the nature of the field that I work on and I am not making excuses.

ETA: These men are not employees. They have been chosen as a sector of the community that would benefit from Arts based intervention (from the charity who hired me) and a project to tell their story.

 

[1ke]

I do not have a supervisor. This is my project that I am running largely alone. There is no human resources department. And I’m afraid that yes, it is the nature of the field that I work on and I am not making excuses,

Not YOUR supervisor, HIS.

And if there is no HR department, the there is a Head Person.

If the head person is OK with it then it is time to find a lawyer.