How to deal with sexual humour culture at work?

[mommy_k]

My :twocents:

Back in high school, the health teacher told us that we need to be cautious and mindful of what we are eating in front of men. She told us some woman was suckling on a lollipop in front of confined or men in prison, and they started to masturbate

Also avoid unnecessary time and situation with these people.

Sounds like the teacher had some issues to tell a group of HS students this. I would be up at school in an instant asking why this was necessary to impart this skewed and disturbing thought to my child.
If she was concerned, she could have just explained about how to eat some fruit with manners, and left out the visual.
Most men I know have class, and we have never been to a prison…
Not all men are sexual perverts. I feel sorry for people who think that.

 

[LethalMouse]

A couple of times today I made comments like, “Excuse me, I’m a lady, I’d rather you didn’t speak like that about me.” and (genuinely) “I’m sorry but I didn’t understand that joke/don’t know what you mean.” When a sexual innuendo was made that I didn’t get. However, they just kept saying **“Lady, yeah right? You love it really. You’re as dirty as the next person etc.” **

At one point during lunch, they started taking out pictures of their genitals that they had taken on their phones and started passing it about and then trying to show them to me.

It may sound silly but I was really offended. I’d just been to mass. I’ve been fighting so hard to commit to purity of mind, heart and body and it’s a constant struggle. I am a virgin, have never seen a naked man in real life and have never seen porn. I know - I might as well be a unicorn right? But honestly…I kind of want to protect whatever ever purity I have and have a kind of innocence I guess.

I ended up saying, “Excuse me but I really don’t want to see those images. I’m going to have to leave.” I left the room and they actually followed me to carry all of this on.

TBH I assumed when I popped on this thread I was going to leave the comment of “Grow up” BUT this is not “Sexual humor culture” I do sexual humor and innuendo like a champ, this is rude and illegal… Chasing you down to show you pictures is not comedy, and the bold is just being directly insulting and not innuendo or comedy. They seem based on this to be just straight insulting you and in this case it seems “communication” is not really helpful, but telling the boss might be?

 

[mommy_k]

Op: I agree with Easter joy…you need to embarrass them into stopping. It may take a few tries…
I would also start with–what is wrong with you guys…this is not funny…then I would tell them that if it someone else, you would have reported this already, so shift the comedy to something else because you would hate to report them.

 

[LethalMouse]

I do not have a supervisor. This is my project that I am running largely alone. There is no human resources department. And I’m afraid that yes, it is the nature of the field that I work on and I am not making excuses.

ETA: These men are not employees.** They have been chosen as a sector of the community that would benefit from Arts based intervention (from the charity who hired me) and a project to tell their story**.

OHHHH so they are mess ups? This is like where I work with the rehab zone…some of these people are dregs. You know in this case I mean it is kind of like going on a mission to help the poor in a drug infested gang neighborhood. You are going to get some scrubs

Hmmmmmm I say carry some mace and if they are running you down with photos BAM spray em lol.

This also might explain the “you’re as dirty as the next” type comments, they don’t want to be “less than” it is a mental trick to feel better about their scrub factor

 

[truetofaith]

What normal man would entertain prolonged sexual thoughts over a banana? Jeezz, give men a bit more credit

These were not normal men but guys in prison!

I was an installer for AT&T. We sometimes had 40 or 50 men of all ages working in a telephone building. 
        In the 80's they started hiring girls as installers. The guys were pretty crude with each other but no one ever said anything off color to the few girls on the job, even though some guys felt they were taking our jobs away. 
              I would know because I was a job steward & reacted with everyone in the building. 
            Maybe it's a sign of the times, but the OP should not put up with this sexual harassment. Report them or find a job that doesn't hire stupid animals!

 

[pianistclare]

A child just got expelled form the Catholic school here for telling his teacher that her banana looked just like his ------. He was in the 5th grade.

So that tells you the level of maturity of these guys.
I wouldn’t hesitate to report them fro an instant.
NO JOB is worth that.

 

[signit]

Wow, that is insane and shocking. I can’t believe there are still men who act this way at work…and don’t know it’s not okay to do this in the workplace.

Shocking indeed.

I still remember my job 30 years ago. It was the first day they hired women. The foreman told the men in no uncertain terms that they weren’t to swear, etc. in front of the women, and told the women if any of the men said anything in front of them that he wanted to know about it. And that was 30 years ago; it’s even more unbelievable now.

You should report this. It doesn’t matter if you are freelance or not, management should know they have employees who act this way. It’s not fair that they make you feel so uncomfortable and also, do it for the other women who work there.

Senior Management will not make out that you are a prude. I would hope they would be horrified by this, as I am.

There’s got to be somebody you can report this to. Whoever is paying you (who you’re working for), and/or whoever chose these individuals. You could say that this situation is making it difficult for you to get your work done.

 

[signit]

These guys are really crude pigs. The teens may not know any better but the ones in their 30’s & 40’s have to be told that you don’t find their comments funny & you are going to report them if it continues.
You deserve common respect. I can’t believe they treat a woman that they work with in such a filthy way. I could never act like that.
If any of them are married, tell them their wives would be interested in hearing about their behavior.

“Pigs” is right. The exact word I was thinking.

Wow, that is insane and shocking. I can’t believe there are still men who act this way at work…and don’t know it’s not okay to do this in the workplace.

Shocking indeed.

I still remember my job 30 years ago. It was the first day they hired women. The foreman told the men in no uncertain terms that they weren’t to swear, etc. in front of the women, and told the women if any of the men said anything in front of them that he wanted to know about it. And that was 30 years ago; it’s even more unbelievable now.

You should report this. It doesn’t matter if you are freelance or not, management should know they have employees who act this way. It’s not fair that they make you feel so uncomfortable and also, do it for the other women who work there.

Senior Management will not make out that you are a prude. I would hope they would be horrified by this, as I am.

There’s got to be somebody you can report this to. Whoever is paying you (who you’re working for), and/or whoever chose these individuals. You could say that this situation is making it difficult for you to get your work done.

 

[pianistclare]

Anyone actually from the U.K. that can advise her as to what agency to call?
I still can’t believe it’s not a simple white pages search for her.
Do workers not have rights in the U.K.?

 

[WJeffrey]

My :twocents:

Back in high school, the health teacher told us that we need to be cautious and mindful of what we are eating in front of men. She told us some woman was suckling on a lollipop in front of confined or men in prison, and they started to masturbate at the sight.

Therefore, do like I do. If you are going to eat a banana, cut it with your hand one bite at a time. Don’t just put in the whole banana in your mouth and take a bite.

Women, in these days and age, we have to be mindful and cautious in front of men. Don’t do anything that would make them disrespect you. You don’t know what’s in their heads. Hold your dignity and fight all battle that comes on your way where the devil dances in.

Also avoid unnecessary time and situation with these people.

Am I safe if I eat a banana in front of a gay man? I wouldn’t want him to start pleasing himself in front of me.

I never realized that I was in danger when I ate a banana in public.

The OP was talking about a serious circumstance. Why are you trivializing it with something completely absurd? It is actually quite insulting to men. It does not help the OP by giving helpful advice, and it sounds like she really needs it.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Am I safe if I eat a banana in front of a gay man? I wouldn’t want him to start pleasing himself in front of me.

I never realized that I was in danger when I ate a banana in public.

The OP was talking about a serious circumstance. Why are you trivializing it with something completely absurd? It is actually quite insulting to men. It does not help the OP by giving helpful advice, and it sounds like she really needs it.

Actually it isn’t, 50 years ago women were told to not do anything that could hypothetically possibly result in a man behaving lewd, this has lessened, but still often exists and sadly all too often holds true

 

[WJeffrey]

Actually it isn’t, 50 years ago women were told to not do anything that could hypothetically possibly result in a man behaving lewd, this has lessened, but still often exists and sadly all too often holds true

If your opinion of men is so low that you think a women eating a banana in public is a dangerous activity, you need help. And you are not helping the OP who is actually in a dangerous situation.

 

[kozlosap]

Am I safe if I eat a banana in front of a gay man? I wouldn’t want him to start pleasing himself in front of me.

I never realized that I was in danger when I ate a banana in public.

The OP was talking about a serious circumstance. Why are you trivializing it with something completely absurd? It is actually quite insulting to men. It does not help the OP by giving helpful advice, and it sounds like she really needs it./QU

If your comment was meant as I assume it was, then obviously, bananas should be avoided by those who can’t handle bananas, kind of like 11 year old boys.

 

[EasterJoy]

The OP has said these aren’t employees, they are people taking part in a community arts project. That makes it a little more complicated in terms of accountability. However, the person who’s hired her as a freelancer has a responsibility to her.

There are people who, in spite of their chronological age, require adult supervision in order to exercise self-control. Volunteer organizations who allow this kind of thing are going to drive away the people who have the most to contribute in order to keep the people who are more interested in fooling around and wasting time than getting any work done.

Professional boundaries aren’t merely moral boundaries. They are also practical boundaries that keep the workforce more productive during work hours. If you have guys on your crew who would literally chase someone in order to flash obscene pictures of themselves, you have an out-of-control situation, and that is true even if this shenanigans only happens on break. This kind of stuff is knuckle-headed and childish. It is a mistake to tolerate it.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

If your opinion of men is so low that you think a women eating a banana in public is a dangerous activity, you need help. And you are not helping the OP who is actually in a dangerous situation.

I’m not sure JdV actually believes that herself, or is just pointing out that women were and are being taught this.

But I agree that the flip side of the focus on women avoiding anything that a man could theoretically find arousing, is to assume men are all enslaved by lust and unable to control themselves when it comes to sex.

And not only when it comes to masturbating, that is not even a crime unless done in public , but unfortunately some even think this is the case when such men commit sexual assault, that they couldn’t stop themselves.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually it isn’t, 50 years ago women were told to not do anything that could hypothetically possibly result in a man behaving lewd, this has lessened, but still often exists and sadly all too often holds true

Could this advice have been included in a Norman Lear comedy about the stupid lengths women were once expected to go to in order to evade sexual harrassment? Absolutely. He would have been right to absolutely skewer this kind over-the-top pandering to the puerile element in the male workforce, though. That doesn’t mean women were never asked to take that much of the responsibility for not “inciting” egregious behavior.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Could this advice have been included in a Norman Lear comedy about the stupid lengths women were once expected to go to in order to evade sexual harrassment? Absolutely. He would have been right to absolutely skewer this kind over-the-top pandering to the puerile element in the male workforce, though. That doesn’t mean women were never asked to take that much of the responsibility for not “inciting” egregious behavior.

Unfortunately this is no joke, this advice was actually given to a poster, E_7, and she apparently has been taking it seriously all along, and I assume was planning on teaching it to her kids as well. But you can’t really generalize from a population of male prisoners to the general male population.

BTW, AdamPeter, thanks for challenging the “boys will be boys” narrative and point out that such a “men are animals unable to control their sexual urges” attitude is actually insulting to men. Unfortunately, even on CAF, some male posters are happy to go along with the narrative that men are just naturally more “visual” and sexual than women, and therefore deserve a break for sexual sin.

 

[EasterJoy]

Unfortunately this is no joke, this advice was actually given to a poster, E_7, and she apparently has been taking it seriously all along, and I assume was planning on teaching it to her kids as well. But you can’t really generalize from a population of male prisoners to the general male population.

BTW, AdamPeter, thanks for challenging the “boys will be boys” narrative and point out that such a “men are animals unable to control their sexual urges” attitude is actually insulting to men. Unfortunately, even on CAF, some male posters are happy to go along with the narrative that men are just naturally more “visual” and sexual than women, and therefore deserve a break for sexual sin.

Well, showing the absurdity of certain accepted ways of thinking was pretty much Norman Lear’s bread and butter.

I don’t think it is entirely out of place for someone past the age of innocence to be given to realize that there are a few immature people out there who can find lewd meaning in innocent acts or that there are certain innocent acts that might have an unintended capacity to be distracting. That’s a little different than a blanket prohibition on entire classes of innocent acts, such as eating foods shaped like a banana or a hot dog.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

If your opinion of men is so low that you think a women eating a banana in public is a dangerous activity, you need help. And you are not helping the OP who is actually in a dangerous situation.

I never said it was a dangerous activity, I merely meant she wasn’t deliberately trivialising it.

The issue isn’t that most men are like that, the issue is that most men don’t do anything and the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I’m not sure JdV actually believes that herself, or is just pointing out that women were and are being taught this.

But I agree that the flip side of the focus on women avoiding anything that a man could theoretically find arousing, is to assume men are all enslaved by lust and unable to control themselves when it comes to sex.

And not only when it comes to masturbating, that is not even a crime unless done in public , but unfortunately some even think this is the case when such men commit sexual assault, that they couldn’t stop themselves.

I don’t believe it, on the other hand how many cases of rape or sexual assault are met with “well what was she wearing” or “well she shouldn’t have been drinking” or “boys will be boys” or “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life” or “well she wasn’t a virgin”.

Could this advice have been included in a Norman Lear comedy about the stupid lengths women were once expected to go to in order to evade sexual harrassment? Absolutely. He would have been right to absolutely skewer this kind over-the-top pandering to the puerile element in the male workforce, though. That doesn’t mean women were never asked to take that much of the responsibility for not “inciting” egregious behavior.

Having seen firsthand how women are treated on being sexually assaulted or rape I’m inclined to believe much of the mentality remains only now we only tell girls and women after they are victimised, not before.

 

[EasterJoy]

I never said it was a dangerous activity, I merely meant she wasn’t deliberately trivialising it.

The issue isn’t that most men are like that, the issue is that most men don’t do anything and the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I don’t believe it, on the other hand how many cases of rape or sexual assault are met with “well what was she wearing” or “well she shouldn’t have been drinking” or “boys will be boys” or “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life” or “well she wasn’t a virgin”.

Having seen firsthand how women are treated on being sexually assaulted or rape I’m inclined to believe much of the mentality remains only now we only tell girls and women after they are victimised, not before.

As I said, there is some value in alerting rational women concerning the ways that a small number of men with twisted minds think. Judges and juries do not buy these weightless excuses these days, but that doesn’t stop sociopaths from trying to use them–and it really does take someone divorced from his conscience to place blame in the way we are discussing.