How to deal with significant other's friend

[victrolatim]

My girlfriend has a casual friend that she went to college with. He now lives abroad and we only see him maybe once a year with some of her other friends from college. Problem is, I REALLY don’t like him and I’m not sure how to deal with it. We only see him for maybe an hour or two at a group get together once a year but I find the man to be intolerable. He has poor personal hygiene and is very cynical and self-absorbed. He will literally interrupt a conversation and say “Ok, we’re talking about ME now.” He is one of those folks who flippantly throws around the “F” word in conversation. Aside from this, he is homosexual, which in itself wouldn’t be that huge of an issue in a casual get together, but he insists on talking about very graphic sexual things between him and his “husband” in mixed company. My girlfriend has basically learned to just tune out certain things over the years and change the subject. I’m not sure what to do. As I am part of the relationship, sometimes I know I have to sacrifice some things for the sake of the other person, and it’s only 2 hours most out of the year. At the same time the guy makes my blood pressure want to shoot through the roof. I want to find a calm way to approach this with my girlfriend but I’m not sure how to word it and I don’t want to end up making lame excuses just to avoid the situation. Thoughts?

 

[victrolatim]

I neglected to mention that he has a physical and mild intellectual disability. I’m not sure if the latter coincides with his social awkwardness.

 

[PhiloMed]

You want to make an issue of being around someone for two hours a year?

That’s the boyfriend you want to be?

If that’s the case, you might find that next year it won’t be an issue…

 

[mommy_k]

The way to handle this is dependent on your future plans with your girlfriend.

If you intend on marrying her in the near future, you can discuss this more indepth then if your relationship with her is just starting.

She sees him once a year and you can plan on being unavailble during these times if you are not discussing marriage with her or plan to get engaged soon.

People who are dating sometimes make the mistake of dictating friendships before their reationship is solid enough to do so.

 

[As_for_my_House]

The kind of friends your girlfriend keeps is one indicator of her level of morality and maturity. Please ask her why she likes this person enough to keep contact with the friend and if she does not have a sound reason, perhaps she needs to take a more active role in evaluating what type of people she would want in her life should you both decide to plan a future together. This person does not sound like someone who will be a good support for your marriage should you decide to go down that road.

My husband has friends that were very unsavory. Those relationships had to end in order for him to grow and me to feel secure.

 

[Joelle_M]

You want to make an issue of being around someone for two hours a year?

That’s the boyfriend you want to be?

If that’s the case, you might find that next year it won’t be an issue…

I couldn’t agree more. It’s only a few hours a year. Rather than let your anger and frustrations get the better of you, bite your tongue and do what Jesus asked you to do- pray for him. You don’t have to force yourself to have close relationships with everyone in your gf’s life- especially if you don’t see eye to eye with them… but it is your responsibility as a Catholic to rise and learn from it- to use those instances to become a better christian. Keep him in your prayers- always… Pray for the patience to rise above it.

 

[Irishmom2]

If it is only for an hour or two, I don’t understand why you even need to be there.

This is not your wife and her family. This is an obnoxious friend of a friend. You need to tell your girlfriend that you are not going to be joining her in the next visit. No need to be nasty, just honest that you cannot be around him. Tell her to have a pleasant visit and stay home.

 

[MT1926]

You want to make an issue of being around someone for two hours a year?

That’s the boyfriend you want to be?

If that’s the case, you might find that next year it won’t be an issue…

This was my first thought as well…Until I read this part…

He is one of those folks who flippantly throws around the “F” word in conversation. Aside from this, he is homosexual, which in itself wouldn’t be that huge of an issue in a casual get together, but he insists on talking about very graphic sexual things between him and his “husband” in mixed company.

I have no tolerance for someone throwing around the F-bomb or speaking graphically about sex whether it be homo or hetero sexual acts.

From the beginning of your post I am guessing you are a couple of years into the relationship so I would second this opinion.

The kind of friends your girlfriend keeps is one indicator of her level of morality and maturity. Please ask her why she likes this person enough to keep contact with the friend and if she does not have a sound reason, perhaps she needs to take a more active role in evaluating what type of people she would want in her life should you both decide to plan a future together. This person does not sound like someone who will be a good support for your marriage should you decide to go down that road.

My husband has friends that were very unsavory. Those relationships had to end in order for him to grow and me to feel secure.

 

[Xantippe]

The kind of friends your girlfriend keeps is one indicator of her level of morality and maturity. Please ask her why she likes this person enough to keep contact with the friend and if she does not have a sound reason, perhaps she needs to take a more active role in evaluating what type of people she would want in her life should you both decide to plan a future together. This person does not sound like someone who will be a good support for your marriage should you decide to go down that road.

I feel like this may be the wrong approach. And the reason is, he said “we only see him maybe once a year with some of her other friends from college.”

Girlfriend may not be specifically seeking this person out, but he may just be a part of her friend group that is hard to avoid when he is in town.

It might be worthwhile asking girlfriend, “How do you feel about Steve?” I think the answer is going to sound a lot like, “I feel sorry for Steve.”

It also seems like it should be easy to avoid his company if the OP wishes to do so.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Ipod and earbuds…

 

[on_the_hill]

On the plus side, he’s gay. You don’t have to worry about him trying to steal your girlfriend.

I agree with the others–a problem that comes up a couple hours a year isn’t enough to get upset over.

Now, if it became, “My friend from college is in town and needs a place to stay while he’s looking for a job and I thought he could stay with me don’t worry he’s gay so nothing would happen between us…” then you’d have a problem.

That happened to me once. Except her friend wasn’t gay.

He stayed. I didn’t.

 

[victrolatim]

Thank you for the (name removed by moderator)ut. Yes, he is a casual friend at best. We only get together in a group of people when he comes to town for coffee/dinner. She has also expressed some frustration with his actions but expresses the same view of “He’ll be gone soon”. I try to redirect the conversation when it goes south, talk about work etc. (it’s hard because I have zero in common with him) but sometimes he will just go on with what HE wants to talk about. My girlfriend, to her credit, is much better at tuning things out then I am. I get a very weak stomach when someone starts discussing their private parts, wanting to show the group dirty pictures (which has been prevented) and discussing homosexual sex acts over dinner. Maybe I can excuse myself to the restroom or something. She has had her fare share of accompanying me to places where she’s had to listen to people drone on and on about classical music. None of them have attempted to show me pictures of their genitals though.

 

[on_the_hill]

Thank you for the (name removed by moderator)ut. Yes, he is a casual friend at best. We only get together in a group of people when he comes to town for coffee/dinner. She has also expressed some frustration with his actions but expresses the same view of “He’ll be gone soon”. I try to redirect the conversation when it goes south, talk about work etc. (it’s hard because I have zero in common with him) but sometimes he will just go on with what HE wants to talk about. My girlfriend, to her credit, is much better at tuning things out then I am. I get a very weak stomach when someone starts discussing their private parts, wanting to show the group dirty pictures (which has been prevented) and discussing homosexual sex acts over dinner. Maybe I can excuse myself to the restroom or something. She has had her fare share of accompanying me to places where she’s had to listen to people drone on and on about classical music. None of them have attempted to show me pictures of their genitals though.

Did you ever think that maybe he does that stuff just to get a rise out of people? Act in a socially unacceptable way to get under your (and others’) skin? There are those who have fun instigating.

 

[victrolatim]

I’ve thought of that, yes. It doesn’t make the topic any less nauseating to me.

 

[Xantippe]

On the plus side, he’s gay. You don’t have to worry about him trying to steal your girlfriend.

I agree with the others–a problem that comes up a couple hours a year isn’t enough to get upset over.

Now, if it became, “My friend from college is in town and needs a place to stay while he’s looking for a job and I thought he could stay with me don’t worry he’s gay so nothing would happen between us…” then you’d have a problem.

That happened to me once. Except her friend wasn’t gay.

He stayed. I didn’t.

You had a lucky escape.

Congratulations!

 

[Anglewannabe]

You want to make an issue of being around someone for two hours a year?

That’s the boyfriend you want to be?

If that’s the case, you might find that next year it won’t be an issue…

I disagree. If this is the type of person his girlfriend does not mind being around, if he marries her, these are the types of people the mother of his children will be around. It is not the ‘couple of times a year’ it is the principle.

Personally, I think the OP needs to do something serious thinking. If she is not willing to give up these friendships does he really want to be with her. IMO this could only get worse

Angie

 

[PhiloMed]

I disagree. If this is the type of person his girlfriend does not mind being around, if he marries her, these are the types of people the mother of his children will be around. It is not the ‘couple of times a year’ it is the principle.

Personally, I think the OP needs to do something serious thinking. If she is not willing to give up these friendships does he really want to be with her. IMO this could only get worse

Angie

People who are married generally know better than to get all wrapped around the axle about having an unpleasant dinner with some friends of friends once a year. If they do, life will be very unpleasant all year.

The OP is blowing this way out of proportion unless there are other issues- like all the friends are like this or this is a regular occurrence or the girlfriend sings the praises of this individual and hopes her children turn out just like him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I disagree. If this is the type of person his girlfriend does not mind being around, if he marries her, these are the types of people the mother of his children will be around. It is not the ‘couple of times a year’ it is the principle.

Personally, I think the OP needs to do something serious thinking. If she is not willing to give up these friendships does he really want to be with her. IMO this could only get worse

Angie

That’s a remarkably selfish outlook. We all have people tangentially connected to our social circles who we should really rather not be around, but they always come along. From the sounds of it, this is not her best friend, just a guy connected to her old college group. Cutting him off would mean cutting them off, and it’s only for a few hours a year.

 

[Irishmom2]

Personally, I think the OP needs to do something serious thinking. If she is not willing to give up these friendships does he really want to be with her. IMO this could only get worse

Angie

It’s not friendshipS, it’s friendship. It’s one guy that she puts up with in order to see the other friends. She does not have to go and give up friendships for her to be with the OP. That is really over the top thinking.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Why would any of these friends put up with this if they didn’t absolutely have to? Really? The man acts like a pig. As a woman, I wouldn’t subject myself to this for 10 seconds, let alone a whole evening. Just gotta wonder why your girlfriend thinks that this kind of assault on her dignity is worth it. It’s either one of two things, either she doesn’t care how she is disrespected or she is too cowardly to take a stand and risk her so called friends thinking she too square.
I don’t mean to be harsh but I really can’t think of any other reasons a person would tolerate such behavior.

My advice to you for your own dignity, don’t accompany her to any more get togethers with this group if there is any chance this guy will show up.