How to deal with significant other's friend

[Xantippe]

Why would any of these friends put up with this if they didn’t absolutely have to? Really? The man acts like a pig. As a woman, I wouldn’t subject myself to this for 10 seconds, let alone a whole evening. Just gotta wonder why your girlfriend thinks that this kind of assault on her dignity is worth it. It’s either one of two things, either she doesn’t care how she is disrespected or she is too cowardly to take a stand and risk her so called friends thinking she too square.
I don’t mean to be harsh but I really can’t think of any other reasons a person would tolerate such behavior.

…or she feels sorry for him and feels like he can’t help himself.

 

[Lou2U]

…or she feels sorry for him and feels like he can’t help himself.

Or forgets just how bad he is until he opens his mouth. I’ve had that in the past.

It could also be that asking him to be quiet would make him louder and more aggressive, so it’s better to let him talk but not engage unless necessary.

I completely understand why you don’t like him, OP, but if it’s only a couple of times a year, could you put up with him for that?

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

Or forgets just how bad he is until he opens his mouth. I’ve had that in the past.

It could also be that asking him to be quiet would make him louder and more aggressive, so it’s better to let him talk but not engage unless necessary.

I completely understand why you don’t like him, OP, but if it’s only a couple of times a year, could you put up with him for that?

Lou

Agreed. Or just not come.

The OP’s girlfriend may remember him fondly from earlier days when he was either more controlled or he seemed less out of place.

It also sometimes takes a while for friendships to run their course.

Here’s a quick summary of “geek social fallacies” that may be helpful to the OP.

geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Five_Geek_Social_Fallacies

I suspect that the OP’s girlfriend’s circle suffers from a number of them.

 

[MT1926]

As a woman, I wouldn’t subject myself to this for 10 seconds, let alone a whole evening. Just gotta wonder why your girlfriend thinks that this kind of assault on her dignity is worth it.

As a husband of a woman, whom I would lay my life down for, I agree. She souldn’t have to subject herself to this to be with her other friends.

My advice to you for your own dignity, don’t accompany her to any more get togethers with this group if there is any chance this guy will show up.

Agreed. On a side note, a relationship is a two way street. If she has no choice but to see her other friends with him present, she should care for you enough to not make you be subject to his assaults on your dignity. I highly doubt you not showing up is going to ruin her evening with her old friends. If it does she has some deep rooted emotional problems that might need to be addressed.

 

[As_for_my_House]

…or she feels sorry for him and feels like he can’t help himself.

Yes, you could be right but the bully still needs correction and it sounds like in the group isn’t willing to go there. Even if one of the group said to him that’s TMI when he starts to share sex stories, it would be a start. A good open mouth stare and an eye roll when he uses the f bomb but if they all sit back and pretend it’s not a problem, no one is helping this guy do anything except continue to be crass and abusive to his friends.

My reasoning for thinking that his behavior has been long tolerated without correction is because after years of getting together, he is still doing it so they have had their chances and are unwilling to try to at least do the minimum. But maybe the OP can share more about his girlfriends and her friends attempts at correction.

I also think that the OP being a guy, this has brought out a natural instinct for him to want to protect his girlfriend’s dignity. That is a good thing and becoming rare in today’s world. A man doesn’t know how to react when some behaves badly in front of the opposite sex these days because he might be labeled a chauvinist, homophob, etc so the bully gets away with being a bully and the men do nothing about it.