How to deal with strict parents?

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Marie384

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I’ve grown up with very strict parents, and I’m not sure how to cope. I’m 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn’t even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I’m still not allowed to sleep over at my friends’ houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don’t think I’m a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can’t sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I’m relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I’m listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I’ve tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I’m not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it’s not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don’t have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it’s trying to get them to understand that I’m ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they’re not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I’ve definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it’s not right since they’ve done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it’s really starting to drive me crazy. I’ve grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I’m so privileged. There’s this great guy that I’ve gotten close to, and I’d love to introduce him to my parents, but I can’t do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
 
Marie384 said:
I’ve grown up with very strict parents, and I’m not sure how to cope. I’m 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn’t even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I’m still not allowed to sleep over at my friends’ houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don’t think I’m a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can’t sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I’m relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I’m listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I’ve tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I’m not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it’s not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don’t have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it’s trying to get them to understand that I’m ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they’re not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I’ve definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it’s not right since they’ve done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it’s really starting to drive me crazy. I’ve grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I’m so privileged. There’s this great guy that I’ve gotten close to, and I’d love to introduce him to my parents, but I can’t do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
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Well, you are 19 - an adult. Do they dictate whom you can have lunch with? Get creative and meet great guy for lunch between classes. Find a job and start saving money. Research other colleges, scholarships, grants, loans. Put together a presentation on where you want to go to college, what scholarships, grants, and loans you can get, etc. SHOW THEM how independent you can be!

They are doing you no favors by holding you back. Are they dictating your major area of study too? :cool:
 
My goodness, they do sound a bit puritanical, don’t they?

I dare say they only have your best interests at heart though. Do you have any friends or relatives who might be able intercede for you that they might listen to?
 
Wow. Clearly, your parents are having a control issue and are having a bit of trouble letting you go.

Have you considered involving a priest, counselor, or another person who your parents would receive well? I sincerely doubt that any adult would side with your parents in this situation. That being said, you are an adult. From your post, it sounds as though you want to approach this situation like an adult.

Google might help you find a few more ideas, but here is how I would approach the situation:

"Mom, Dad, we need to talk. I’d appreciate it if we could sit down for a few minutes and have a frank and calm conversation about my adulthood. I realize how lucky I am to have parents like you, and I will always value and need your (name removed by moderator)ut in my life. That being said, I am an adult. As an adult, it is imperative that I maintain control over my decisions and the direction of my life. I appreciate your concern for me; however, I think that you have overstepped your responsibility as parents.

I know that I still have much to learn about myself and the best way for me to live my life. In order to do so, I need to experience certain things for myself, as an individual, and without as much oversight from you. I hope that you will respect and support my position to do so. I am firmly convinced that I should be afforded some more freedom."

You may also want to point out some of the relationship opportunities that you are missing out on through their control. One of the best opportunities at college is to build a personal network.

All of this being said, you need to make it abundantly clear that you are vehemently opposed to the type of control that they are exerting over you. Be firm in whatever stance you choose to take. Normally, I would tell you to be willing to compromise, but it doesn’t seem appropriate in this case.

Full disclosure: I’m a senior in college… hours away from my parents. If they’re lucky I’ll call them tonight. 😛
 
Catholic90 said:
Well, you are 19 - an adult. Do they dictate whom you can have lunch with? Get creative and meet great guy for lunch between classes. Find a job and start saving money. Research other colleges, scholarships, grants, loans. Put together a presentation on where you want to go to college, what scholarships, grants, and loans you can get, etc. SHOW THEM how independent you can be!

They are doing you no favors by holding you back. Are they dictating your major area of study too? :cool:
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I agree with this. Even if they don’t agree, make a plan to move out on your own if possible. You can try to reason with them and show them you are able to be independent, but that is all. Possibly you and a few friends can even rent an apartment together. This can keep down costs while giving you more independence.

I understand where you are coming from. I am in my mid-thirties, married, and living on the opposite end of the country and some of my family still tries to control what I do. You need to take initiative and earn your independence.
 
Talk to your priest. See if he can mediate a sit down with your parents. Good luck.
 
I consider myself a strict parent, however I do this in the hopes that my children will learn something from me and make the right choices on their own when they leave the nest. I think a visit to your priest is a must, and then a talk with your parents. Obviously they have raised a lovely girl who has transitioned to a seemingly wonderful woman - they should be proud! Are they afraid to let you go because they will miss you - “emtpy nest syndrome”? Is there something missing in their marriage and you’re the one who fills that void - they are able to focus on you instead of their own problems? Are they truly afraid you are going to get into trouble or do they like to throw their control around instead of doing what is best for you at this age, which is allowing you to make your own decisions.

If they are paying for college, I think you need to get a part-time job, and also go to your college’s financial aid office and apply for a loan (do NOT have your parents co-sign). As long as you are tied to them financially, they will always use that as an excuse to have more control over your decisions. I went through that, and getting my own loans and working was the best decision I ever made for my parents and I. I learned how to be on my own, manage money, and college was that much more important because I had to work for it. And my parents starting treating me like an adult instead of a teenager!

Let your parents know that you will always love them and your upbringing, and you know they are always there if you need advice or guidance, but you feel it’s important now to start acting like a responsible adult.

Good luck!
 
What culture are you from? Are your parents immigrants? Sometimes the root of these issues is cultural.
 
momfromwi said:
If they are paying for college, I think you need to get a part-time job, and also go to your college’s financial aid office and apply for a loan (do NOT have your parents co-sign). As long as you are tied to them financially, they will always use that as an excuse to have more control over your decisions. I went through that, and getting my own loans and working was the best decision I ever made for my parents and I. I learned how to be on my own, manage money, and college was that much more important because I had to work for it. And my parents starting treating me like an adult instead of a teenager!
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I think this is what you need to do. It is not “impractical and immature” to take out a loan for school or move out of your parents’ house. I understand that you love them and are grateful to them, but you are not obligated to take money from them for college or anything else. Paying for your own college education isn’t easy at all- and I’ll be paying for it for a long time, but it’s worth it. It’s unfortunate that your parents are being unreasonable. As an adult, they cannot “refuse” to allow you to do anything- but that means you have to make a choice regarding whether you will continue to accept financial support from them, including a place to live. You use the word “child” several times in your post- yes, you will always be their child, but you are an adult now- I think it would be wise to start thinking of yourself that way.
 
Your parents, as described here anyway, sound completely unreasonable to me.

That said, though, I don’t know if moving out, getting college loans, etc is a sound option. College tuition and living on your own is expensive, no question about it. Is it worth it to go into piles of debt just to get out from under your parents’ thumb?

My advice is to try and make lemons out of lemonade as much as you can…try to have as much fun in college as is reasonably and morally possible, maybe expand your social circle, get involved in other things. What is it about your college that you don’t like?

Another one of your priorities should be to make yourself as marketable as you can to future employers: Do several internships, get involved in an academic fraternity or major-related clubs and groups, etc. The last thing you want is to be stuck unemployed or underemployed after graduation from college and not be able to move out.
 
Marie384 said:
I’ve grown up with very strict parents, and I’m not sure how to cope. I’m 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn’t even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I’m still not allowed to sleep over at my friends’ houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don’t think I’m a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can’t sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I’m relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I’m listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I’ve tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I’m not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it’s not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don’t have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it’s trying to get them to understand that I’m ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they’re not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I’ve definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it’s not right since they’ve done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it’s really starting to drive me crazy. I’ve grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I’m so privileged. There’s this great guy that I’ve gotten close to, and I’d love to introduce him to my parents, but I can’t do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
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I’m sorry you have such strict parents, I really cann’t offer much advice for you. But your parents have to know that you are an adult and unfortuanely, it sounds like they are having a hard time “letting go”.

When I left for college, I don’t know who was more exicted, myself starting out on a journey, or my Dad who was giddy to get me out of the house (that’s in a good way).
 
My husband and I were also considered pretty “strict parents”, but your folks do seem to be taking it to the extreme. (I also wonder if this is a cultural thing…) We encouraged our girls to apply to a number of colleges; one chose a school far away, and the other wanted to stay close to home, and actually chose to live with us until she married at 23.

As long as you are taking their money and living under their roof, they get to call the shots. However, you are over the age of 18, and it is entirely up to you to decide if you wish to take on the responsibilities of living independently. As others posters have mentioned, you could certainly get student loans and a part time job which would cover your living expenses. The choice is yours.

Our job as parents is to raise good Catholic young people who are capable of making sound, sensible, moral choices… not to keep them under our thumbs until they are well into adulthood.
 
You are 19 years old. Show them they don’t control you by living an independent happy life.
 
Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.
 
Marie384 said:
Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.
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That’s a rough situation. First thing I would do for yourself is talk to a family counsler and i’m sure at some point, your parents will be bought into this and i’m sure it won’t be an easything to do, but if you are ready to leave the nest, and if your parents truly love you, your parents will have to understand this and more importanly be supportive of you in your decision.
 
Marie384 said:
Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.
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At some point, you either have to break away, though, or stay and live with them the rest of your life.

Now that you say your family is Asian, it makes more sense. Not that your culture has the patent on controlling, strict parenting but…😉

The tension between doing things the American way (independence) and the Asian way (family first) is very difficult. It must be distressing for Asian parents when their kids want all the same things any other American kid does…and they don’t understand why they can’t have the same freedom.

I hope they didn’t also choose your major…😦

I would say if you feel you can get a solid 4 year degree in the field you wish to pursue, at this university, that you hang in and get your degree. Meanwhile, you can start gradually asserting your own independence, little by little. And have some fun while you are out of the house.
 
Marie384 said:
Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.
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That is a tough situation. I feel for you.

On one hand, you’re legally an adult. You could choose to take out student loans, find roommates, and break out on your own. But then you’d have the burden of paying off those loans later on… and that can be a serious burden. I was fortunate enough to have my parents’ help paying for college, and even so I have a serious pile of debt left over from student loans. Plus my husband’s student loans. It’s not a great feeling to feel enslaved to those debts. They can take forever to pay off, and if you don’t get a job right away after graduation, that adds to the difficulty. You’d be free to make your own decisions and decide what works best for the way you want to live.

On the other hand, you have your parents paying for your expenses at the expense of your freedom to chose the direction of your life, at least for now. You won’t have to incur all of that debt. You can try to expand your social circle more–get involved in some clubs at your school, for example. Do some volunteering to help build up your job skills and work experience. Another thing you might consider is taking some summer courses. I did it during my college years and I was able to graduate a year earlier than planned. Many of my friends did it as well. The courses are a bit shorter, you get a little break in tuition, but it can feel like one giant “cramming session” at times. You can get burnt out real quick that way, though, so be aware of that. It’s something to consider if you’re looking to speed things up a little bit.

In the end it’ll just depend on what you think is more important. If you can live with feeling a bit stifled by your parents’ rules for a few years, then go ahead and finish up your degree and then break out on your own. You might also try talking to a priest or a counselor about this. Most colleges have a counseling center that is free to students. Someone who knows more about your specific situation would probably be able to give you some more useful advice than anonymous members of an internet forum. 😉
 
Could you live in the college dorms? It’s a great way to become independent, while meeting new friends in a safe environment. My freshman year of college, I lived in an all-girls dorm - I always thought this was the dorm I just ended up in, but perhaps my protective parents actually chose if for me (they paid for my first year)?! Perhaps something like that would be a good compromise with your parents? If you go to a college that doesn’t have dorms, you may have to change schools. It seems you aren’t necessarily crazy about your current school anyway, because your parents chose it.
 
I second the dormitory idea, especially if you offer to come home on weekends for the first few months.

A friend of mine has a lot of older siblings, and was in a similar situation. She told her parents not living on campus made it less convenient for her to access campus resources (library, study halls, study groups, etc) and they accepted that. I don’t know if it would work for you, but here’s hoping!
 
Marie384 said:
Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.
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I think you would be exchanging one set of problems for another. I’m sure you anticipated your present situation when watching your older siblings. Yes, it is difficult now but upon graduation you will not be encumbered with any financial obligations. You have two years ahead of you. If you do transfer to the school you want, it will not be a guarantee that you’ll be happy, make friends, meet a guy, keep up your grades,and heal the rift which will then exist between you and your parents and maybe your siblings. And then when you are really on your own, you face paying back those loans…for years.
 
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