How to deal with strict parents?

[bstorm]

That said, though, I don’t know if moving out, getting college loans, etc is a sound option. College tuition and living on your own is expensive, no question about it. Is it worth it to go into piles of debt just to get out from under your parents’ thumb?

My advice is to try and make lemons out of lemonade as much as you can…try to have as much fun in college as is reasonably and morally possible, maybe expand your social circle, get involved in other things. What is it about your college that you don’t like?

Another one of your priorities should be to make yourself as marketable as you can to future employers: Do several internships, get involved in an academic fraternity or major-related clubs and groups, etc. The last thing you want is to be stuck unemployed or underemployed after graduation from college and not be able to move out.

I agree with this poster and would advise you against going into debt for college if you do not have to. In a way, your parents are setting you up for a good future without debt, although it comes with its own price. I suggest you stick it out at home and take the full advantage of what your school has to offer. Join a club, or if are a science/engineering major, get involved in research. Right now, three years to graduation might seem like a very long time, but it will be over before you know it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think you would be exchanging one set of problems for another. I’m sure you anticipated your present situation when watching your older siblings. Yes, it is difficult now but upon graduation you will not be encumbered with any financial obligations. You have two years ahead of you. If you do transfer to the school you want, it will not be a guarantee that you’ll be happy, make friends, meet a guy, keep up your grades,and heal the rift which will then exist between you and your parents and maybe your siblings. And then when you are really on your own, you face paying back those loans…for years.

This is true. I was an adult when I started college, and I did it one course at a time for a year, at night, after I had been at work all day. I paid cash for my classes. I saved my money, got a grant, and went full time for another couple of years, then took another break. That was in the 1980’s though, and tuition wasn’t as high as it is now. I managed to graduate in 10 years, with 1 kid already born and 1 who was still waiting to be born when I walked to get my degree. I had no debt.

I think this is more difficult to do now. Not impossible, but more difficult. And this poster has a cultural gulf if she is going to act like most American kids and assert her independence. The Asian world doesn’t work like ours does. She could have several generations bearing down on her if she tried to just cut and run. Not something I’d like to try.

 

[divinefaith]

I’m thinking: how opened are you with your father about your issues?

 

[nimbleasian]

I’m so sorry I’m late for this… I actually found this site by typing in Google “how to move out of a strict asian parents house.” I read what you are going through and I felt like I had to reply and even registered on here to do so.

First of all, I know EXACTLY what you are going through… I’m 23, the youngest of 4 brothers and a sister, and I still have to deal with strict Asian parents. Let me tell you, the longer you live there, the worse it can get. At your age, I still got hit by my parents… The last time I got hit I was 19 and my mom back handed me because I got into a minor car accident and broke the front right light. I suggest you to one, not introduce the guy you’ve gotten close with to your parents, whether you are dating him or not. They’ll think if you go out, there’s sex everywhere all the time and have an even closer eye on you. I made the mistake of introducing my boyfriend when I was 18… Whenever I went out to see him or my friends they automatically assume I’m out having sex even if I needed to go out and study for an exam. I’m still with the same boyfriend and we’ve been together for over 5 years, but we’ve had to keep our relationship a secret since then… My boyfriend’s white, so it took him a long time to understand my culture. It’s also embarrassing to explain the situation to other people too because to them, “I never had to keep my boyfriends a secret to my parents.”

My parents told me I couldn’t get into a University that requires me to move out either. But, at 21 I applied for an out of city University anyway. If you really want to give yourself some freedom and you’re at a community college and not a University yet, just apply to a college where you have to move out. I live in Houston, so all my parent kept telling me was to go to U of H, but I never applied there. I applied at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, which is a 50 minute to an hour drive. My parents did NOT like it, that’s for sure… But, I just said that SHSU was the best place to go to for my degree, which was true. The school had the best programs for my degree and I had to stress that to them, so they eventually gave in and let me go. I hope you do something similar.

Now, I graduated and I moved back home, trying to find a job… And everything’s the same. I can’t stay out passed 9:30 ish, I can’t sleep over at anyone’s place, and I’m getting yelled at left and right for no apparent reason. I’ve been back home for a week and a half now and I was automatically depressed. I hadn’t cried in a year and a half and today I was bawling my eyes out because of how miserable my parents are making me… And they say I should be appreciative of them because of how much they payed for putting me through school and giving me a home. I’m very appreciative, but the reality of it is there are so many other parents who do the same for their kids and treat their children with kindness and support.

What I have to say to suggest to you is to research colleges out of your city that has the best programs for your degree and explain to them that. Don’t have any boyfriends’ that can hold you back either. When you graduate college, you are not going to want to live back home; you’re going to want to live away from your hometown and try to find a job/career out of the city or even state. Find something before you even graduate, that way, your parents can’t tell you otherwise.

I’m so sorry how long I made this post… I just genuinely know how you feel and wanted to help. If you read this, keep me updated and let me know how everything is doing if you want. Just message me.

 

[ryecroft]

Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it’s extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I’m not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It’s a small Catholic university, and I’ve gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It’s truly a tough situation.

Ah ha! Perhaps there in you have an out - you’re the youngest - surely your siblings understand what you’re going through - wouldn’t one of them be willing to help you out at least the last 2 years of college (you could transfer to whichever college you really wanted to go to)- I grew up and Japan then we moved back to the states and I wanted to go back - I did go back wanted finished Japanese High School (after I had finished American High School) and began working on Ju Kyu - I stayed with a Japanese ‘Auntie and Uncle’ - (they wern’t really related but they were friends of the family)- wow did my life EVER change - I was used to being in Japan, and knowing I could go anywhere and generally feel safe - and know I could get anyplace I wanted to. With Ju Kyu I got put on lock down where I felt like all of my movements were noted and watched. Anyway, I get what you’re saying - I also agree that since you’re family is Catholic, I would go talk to a priest (if there’s an Asian one - especially whatever kind of Asian you are), you really might be able to get Him to get some progress made - I know my Aunti would never go against what an Elder of the Church would tell her - this might be your best ‘weapon’ so to say.
God Bless and Good Luck!
Rye

 

[Demetra2]

You are on your way to becoming a mature adult, however, proceed with caution. It is no small gift to get a free college education. Whatever you decide do not get stubborn and give this free education away. Yes, your parents are being difficult but they probably have good intentions.Presuming that they won’t budge, deal with it by getting more involved at college,getting a job or internship which will give you real world experience. It’s a tough world out there and you don’t want to begin it with debt just because you disagreewith your parents. You can get creative and work the problem. Many college grads are stuck in debt and it stops them from moving on in life. Don’t be that person. In a very short time you will graduate and then you can move out and get a job and your independence but you will be debt free!!

 

[hurting]

You are on your way to becoming a mature adult, however, proceed with caution. It is no small gift to get a free college education. Whatever you decide do not get stubborn and give this free education away. Yes, your parents are being difficult but they probably have good intentions.Presuming that they won’t budge, deal with it by getting more involved at college,getting a job or internship which will give you real world experience. It’s a tough world out there and you don’t want to begin it with debt just because you disagreewith your parents. You can get creative and work the problem. Many college grads are stuck in debt and it stops them from moving on in life. Don’t be that person. In a very short time you will graduate and then you can move out and get a job and your independence but you will be debt free!!

I agree that, based on the available evidence, the parents’ motives appear to be pure. You should avoid college loans if at all possible, even if it means foregoing a little freedom in the interim. I’d suggest the following:

1. Choose the toughest major that you can handle with the best employment prospects (admittedly a little more difficult today than in generations past when almost any major was all but a guarantee of better job opportunities because fewer people had degrees). Pursue your passion, if it differs, at community college after you graduate.
2. Take as full of a courseload as you can, including summer term(s) and graduate early.
3. Get some practical paid work experience in your chosen career field before you graduate.

Note: I left out the recommendation about choosing a particular school based on its strength of program given the parents’ requirement to attend a certain institution.

If you go the route many college students choose (weak major, unfocused approach, tarrying, lack of work experience, piling up big debts), you will likely find yourself under your parents control for far, far longer than you would if you simply sucked it up.