How to deal with the frustration in a struggling marriage?

[Saturn5]

My brothers and sisters in Christ –

I have been mostly a student reading on these forums and see great wisdom in so many of you. I’m not sure if there is an answer for my questions but any feedback or prayers would be appreciated greatly.

The short version: my wife confessed to me 3 years ago she loved me, but was not in love with me (after a few years of things going downhill). I threw myself into fixing the marriage and read book after book, found us a counselor, attempted to drive us into numerous exercises to strengthen our marriage. Obviously nothing worked because she hadn’t made the decision to work on the marriage yet. The beautiful thing out of all of this was me coming back home to the Church. I now understand the vocation of marriage, I love my wife more deeply than I ever imagined. I am not going anywhere.

With all that said, it is heavy cross to bear. My wife basically ignores me, has had an emotional affair and really hasn’t done anything to help our marriage.

I pray daily, a rosary and divine chaplet for her to open her heart to Christ. And for me…for the Holy Spirit to give me strength and wisdom. But I still fail, mostly in my heart, but occasionally the frustration rears up and sort of consumes me and my thoughts. I can go quite a while usually: weeks, sometimes months, loving my wife unconditionally. But then something triggers a bad thought or feeling. I get envious of the attention she gives our children. Whatever it is, this tsunami of frustration will wash over me. I fall back into poor behaviors. I can go into “lecture mode” with my wife, look at inappropriate things on the internet, etc, etc. I feel like such a failure after it happens. I turn my back on Christ, our Mother and St Michael. And of course my wife too. I go to reconciliation regularly, but I still struggle with receiving the Lord’s forgiveness and grace after these episodes.

I so want to help my wife get to heaven and I think that is my greatest motivation for our marriage. However, I know in my heart she has to want to get there herself. I know how long Christ was patient with me and had to wait for me to come back. I know I have to have the same patience.

I know there are others out there bearing similar crosses. How do you deal with the frustration when it arises? How do you let the Lord’s grace and forgiveness touch your heart?

Thank you for prayers and feedback.

 

[OneSheep]

Well, frustration is a emotion we have when we are feeling out of control or hopeless. So, the way to overcome frustration is to do something, which it sounds like you are doing.

I can’t be much help here. You may be in an annulment situation. There is obviously a lot more communication that needs to occur between you and your wife.

If it were me, I wouldn’t be worried about her going to heaven. God forgives. What I would be thinking about is what is best for your children, and that is one of the many things that you and your wife should be talking about. What does she want? What does she need? Has she given up on the marriage altogether, refusing to try?

Have you forgiven her?

Keep getting help from someone who can talk with both of you.

 

[Mary_Poppins]

I can see how much you are hurting, and I feel for you- !

May I gently point out to you somethings that may help? When you are just coming back to the church, you are feeling consoled by your newfound relationship with Christ. Your wife may not have any such consolations, but seems to me, suffering deeply and hiding it well, perhaps…it’s not so easy for her right now. You are being called to love her, yes, but unconditional love comes only from God- you cannot be the source of such love, for you are weak and just as sinful as your wife is, if not more so! Maybe that is hard to hear? If so, than you can be sure that your “bad side” may “like” to be “better than her.” We all do that though, don’t despair! Just realize it, so you can try not to do that to her?

I suspect you need to find a partnership with your wife, it seems- within your mutual brokenness. This is advice from a Catholic professional I did receive on the same topic you bring up. It may seem an odd place to find her, but no one wants to think their husband feels holier than them! That hurts- even enrages, because it is so unjust. And so we have in the Genesis account that one consequence for the sin of our first parents is that- the wife will “have desire for her husband” but he will “lord it over her.” That is what seems to be happening in many Christian marriages, and perhaps yours as well. She desires your heart- not to be converted by you so that she will then be able to meet your needs. And you did vow to give her your heart, for better or worse, correct? Not just “for better.” Did you vow to convert her, or be responsible to bring her to heaven? - no- you vowed to give her your heart. That means your respect for her, and honest communication about how you feel, even if you are sinfully or justly angry. She will better respect your anger, than your repression/ martyrdom for her sake- trust me on that one! Women have a great intuition for this- and it is, if I may say so- a huge “turn-off” so to speak, and makes us fall “out of love.” So- admit your weakness and brokenness to your wife- by showing your anger and pain- ask for her forgiveness- if you can do so sincerely- (she will pick up on anything less than total honesty)- and you may find a path to reach eachother yet again. Such a path will not be easy- or short- you can be sure of that- there is great pain in finding our own sin, and then accepting the sins of our spouse without continually pointing them out, or “praying for them to change” - because their sins do cause us to suffer. Your sins do cause her to suffer too, though- remember that. But our Lord has said to us- “do not look for the mote in your brother’s eye, until you have removed the log from your own.” So you can rest assured that he will help you to carry this cross, and will even make it light and pleasant for you to carry, as you work on getting your log out, and let your wife worry about her own mote.

So to reiterate, if you want my advice- and I am the “bad wife” in my own marriage, so I can tell you what I need from my own husband, badly, but am in pain because he is like you, very much so-

1.love her as a man- but do not deceive yourself that you can do so unconditionally like God can.

1. be honest with yourself first and then your wife about your anger with her, and your “punishment” of her by viewing inappropriate materials, lecturing, and so on- and ask for her forgiveness as well for the damage you have caused to your marriage, by doing those things- after going to confessions.
2. Be assertive towards her. If you have needs, that are reasonable- then ask to have them met by her, but do ask kindly, and without anger if you can, for no one can feel a response to anger with love. Just own your own feelings- not hers. It is all you can do.
3. For now, keep your prayerfulness to yourself. It is only a slap in her face, to her- and it will not help to hold it out in front of her. Pray for her, but do NOT tell her you are doing that, for she can’t receive that right now. And pray for your own heart to continue to be opened to Christ too, not just hers- for we all do need that!

I will pray for your marriage improvement, right now! Will you say a prayer for mine as well?

Thank you for your heartfelt sharing, it has helped me too, to see some of the pain my own husband may have, and feel some love for him yet again.

 

[robwar]

My brothers and sisters in Christ –

I have been mostly a student reading on these forums and see great wisdom in so many of you. I’m not sure if there is an answer for my questions but any feedback or prayers would be appreciated greatly.

The short version: my wife confessed to me 3 years ago she loved me, but was not in love with me (after a few years of things going downhill). I threw myself into fixing the marriage and read book after book, found us a counselor, attempted to drive us into numerous exercises to strengthen our marriage. Obviously nothing worked because she hadn’t made the decision to work on the marriage yet. The beautiful thing out of all of this was me coming back home to the Church. I now understand the vocation of marriage, I love my wife more deeply than I ever imagined. I am not going anywhere.

With all that said, it is heavy cross to bear. My wife basically ignores me, has had an emotional affair and really hasn’t done anything to help our marriage.

I pray daily, a rosary and divine chaplet for her to open her heart to Christ. And for me…for the Holy Spirit to give me strength and wisdom. But I still fail, mostly in my heart, but occasionally the frustration rears up and sort of consumes me and my thoughts. I can go quite a while usually: weeks, sometimes months, loving my wife unconditionally. But then something triggers a bad thought or feeling. I get envious of the attention she gives our children. Whatever it is, this tsunami of frustration will wash over me. I fall back into poor behaviors. I can go into “lecture mode” with my wife, look at inappropriate things on the internet, etc, etc. I feel like such a failure after it happens. I turn my back on Christ, our Mother and St Michael. And of course my wife too. I go to reconciliation regularly, but I still struggle with receiving the Lord’s forgiveness and grace after these episodes.

I so want to help my wife get to heaven and I think that is my greatest motivation for our marriage. However, I know in my heart she has to want to get there herself. I know how long Christ was patient with me and had to wait for me to come back. I know I have to have the same patience.

I know there are others out there bearing similar crosses. How do you deal with the frustration when it arises? How do you let the Lord’s grace and forgiveness touch your heart?

Thank you for prayers and feedback.

I am sorry about your situation and from the sounds of it, you are trying to do the right things. Even though you both have gone to counseling, have you thought about trying it again? Even if you just go alone. My husband is a marriage counselor and he does see many times just one spouse for marriage counseling. Love in marriage is more than romantic feelings. Since she does say that she loves you and not “in love” shows her confused state of mind. Build with her on that. Maybe surprising her with flowers and little romantic gifts like this might spark something in her a least. Keep praying like you are.
We will be praying for you as well.

 

[RoseMary131]

For help with your marriage, I suggest attending a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend. WWME is, however, for good marriages to make them great marriages. I don’t know if this would be the right enrichment for your marriage. wwme.org/

Retrouvaille is for hurting marriages. This may be best for your marriage.
retrouvaille.org/

One very important thing that leaped out from your message is that you sometimes turn to “look at inappropriate things on the internet, etc, etc”.

That, as you know, is not only harming you, but it harms your wife as well. It even harms those women in the internet pictures.

Steve Wood has a wonderful website with help for marriage and for those dealing with sexual sins.

familylifecenter.net/article/categories/14/Marriage-Builders

familylifecenterstore.net/pornography-freedom/

His booklet *Breaking Free 12 Steps to Sexual Purity for Men *sales for $2.95.

Please pray to keep yourself free from sexual sin on the internet.

Please ask the Holy Family to be your model.

Praise God that you have this gift of love to offer your wife, by not giving up on your Sacrament of Matrimony. Keep God in your marriage. Keep striving that you have a marriage full of love and together, help the other to our ultimate goal of Life Ever Lasting in Heaven.

 

[Groo]

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My wife has not emotionally invested in the marriage in a long time.

My approach has been:

1. Work on improving myself. For me, this meant seeing a counselor and starting 12 step work on porn addiction. By God’s grace, I am 2+ years clean from porn and masturbation.
2. As part of my 9th step, I made an amends to my wife for all the **** I put her through. She said that for the first time in years she felt some emotional connection with me.
3. I still have a great many character flaws, but at least I am much healthier spiritually than when I was hooked on porn. Now I am turning my focus on what is right for my marriage and for my family.

For me, working on the marriage means being authentic to my spouse. If she hurts me in some way (e.g. denying sex), then I express that pain to my wife - and I try not to be angry or judgmental when I do so.

I also give her a lot more space and try not to be so emotionally needy or clingy. My support group helps a lot here, because I can be vulnerable to them more easily than to my wife.

I have suggested counseling to my wife as a way for her to find healing for herself. I gave her a list of counselors in our plan and let her know she could see any of them. That is all I can do though; she has to decide if she wants to or not.

I will give the marriage a certain amount of time to heal. If there is progress and my wife makes some effort, I will stick it out. However, if she continues to ignore or disregard my needs, I will gradually distance myself from the relationship and eventually divorce.

As you might be able to tell, I am not optimistic. I think that once a woman loses an emotional connection to her spouse, it just does not come back. I hold out some hope that I am wrong, but not much. So that is how I am handling it. Good luck

 

[Groo]

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My wife has not emotionally invested in the marriage in a long time.

My approach has been:

1. Work on improving myself. For me, this meant seeing a counselor and starting 12 step work on porn addiction. By God’s grace, I am 2+ years clean from porn and masturbation.
2. As part of my 9th step, I made an amends to my wife for all the **** I put her through. She said that for the first time in years she felt some emotional connection with me.
3. I still have a great many character flaws, but at least I am much healthier spiritually than when I was hooked on porn. Now I am turning my focus on what is right for my marriage and for my family.

For me, working on the marriage means being authentic to my spouse. If she hurts me in some way (e.g. denying sex), then I express that pain to my wife - and I try not to be angry or judgmental when I do so.

I also give her a lot more space and try not to be so emotionally needy or clingy. My support group helps a lot here, because I can be vulnerable to them more easily than to my wife.

I have suggested counseling to my wife as a way for her to find healing for herself. I gave her a list of counselors in our plan and let her know she could see any of them. That is all I can do though; she has to decide if she wants to or not.

I will give the marriage a certain amount of time to heal. If there is progress and my wife makes some effort, I will stick it out. However, if she continues to ignore or disregard my needs, I will gradually distance myself from the relationship and eventually divorce.

As you might be able to tell, I am not optimistic. I think that once a woman loses an emotional connection to her spouse, it just does not come back. I hold out some hope that I am wrong, but not much. So that is how I am handling it. Good luck

 

[Saturn5]

Well, frustration is a emotion we have when we are feeling out of control or hopeless. So, the way to overcome frustration is to do something, which it sounds like you are doing.

I can’t be much help here. You may be in an annulment situation. There is obviously a lot more communication that needs to occur between you and your wife.

If it were me, I wouldn’t be worried about her going to heaven. God forgives. What I would be thinking about is what is best for your children, and that is one of the many things that you and your wife should be talking about. What does she want? What does she need? Has she given up on the marriage altogether, refusing to try?

Have you forgiven her?

Keep getting help from someone who can talk with both of you.

I am very concerned about our children! That is why I previously stated I am not going anywhere. I refuse to subject our children to a broken family. Therefore divorce is out of the equation. And annulment only addresses the intentions of the couple at the time they say “I do” and really has nothing to do with the future state of the marriage.

My wife does not know what she wants or needs. She can’t express it. She has a belief that love and “chemistry” are one is the same. And she can’t express what chemistry is either.

I forgive her everyday. I know I am a fallen person. I have a lot to work on myself. I have a few close friends that I can discuss this with, including my priest. That helps me. However, my wife choses to not look at that ugly side of our personalities. We all have them. She runs away from it, refusing to even address it. So she has no one to discuss this with or talk too. It took several sessions in our counseling for her to just start to open up. But then she quit because the counseling was starting to force her to look at her own behaviors.

I think your comment on feeling out of control is profound. It’s not so much I feel out of control of our marriage (I try to give that up to Christ everyday), but out of control sometimes of my own poor behaviors.

 

[Saturn5]

I can see how much you are hurting, and I feel for you- !

1.love her as a man- but do not deceive yourself that you can do so unconditionally like God can.

1. be honest with yourself first and then your wife about your anger with her, and your “punishment” of her by viewing inappropriate materials, lecturing, and so on- and ask for her forgiveness as well for the damage you have caused to your marriage, by doing those things- after going to confessions.
2. Be assertive towards her. If you have needs, that are reasonable- then ask to have them met by her, but do ask kindly, and without anger if you can, for no one can feel a response to anger with love. Just own your own feelings- not hers. It is all you can do.
3. For now, keep your prayerfulness to yourself. It is only a slap in her face, to her- and it will not help to hold it out in front of her. Pray for her, but do NOT tell her you are doing that, for she can’t receive that right now. And pray for your own heart to continue to be opened to Christ too, not just hers- for we all do need that!

I will pray for your marriage improvement, right now! Will you say a prayer for mine as well?

Thank you for your heartfelt sharing, it has helped me too, to see some of the pain my own husband may have, and feel some love for him yet again.

Wow! That was all I could really say after reading your response Mary! The insight it gave me is tremendous. First, thank you for your prayers and yes, I have also lifted you, your husband and marriage up in prayer as well.

My wife grew up watching a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage between her parents. She discribed in counseling to me (the first time I heard this in our 12 year marriage) of listening to her parents scream at each other when she was 4 to 5 years old and curling up in bed, sort of hugging herself. I try to bring that image of her up in my mind when I get “in a mood”. That image of her as a frightened child can calm me down quickly. It also reminds me of what may possibly be going through her head. Conflict for her is terribly uncomfortable. So your advice makes perfect sense.

I also agree with you, I should have a qualifier in front of love her unconditionally. It should be “try” and love her that way because you are right, I will never obtain that. I still struggle in my heart with the words in the emails that went back and forth between her and another guy. I can still feel the sting of the words the first time I saw them. I have forgiven her for that, but mutual trust certainly took a hit because of it.

I’m not attempting to “convert” my wife. Maybe you can help me understand better? I pray everyday and try not to be in a room where I’m obvious. Sometimes that doesn’t always work out and she may have to step around me. I have told her about how I see God’s miracles now. I do, once I removed the junk around me, I see His work all the time. And certainly my faith keeps me in this marriage and loving her.

I try to do other things for her regularly: cards, flowers, little gifts, date nights, etc. But the vast majority of it goes unrecognized. In other words, I rarely get a thank you. Now, the unconditional part means I shouldn’t expect one, right? But I do continue doing those sorts of things.

Clearly I’m pretty Type A and attempt to analyze the heck out of everything! The Lord is clearly leading me, because He is so trying to break me of that! Pride is an ugly vice that I so need to work on daily. I can’t fix my wife or my marriage. I have to offer that up all the time. I will just make sure I don’t do it front of my wife!

 

[Saturn5]

I am sorry about your situation and from the sounds of it, you are trying to do the right things. Even though you both have gone to counseling, have you thought about trying it again? Even if you just go alone. My husband is a marriage counselor and he does see many times just one spouse for marriage counseling. Love in marriage is more than romantic feelings. Since she does say that she loves you and not “in love” shows her confused state of mind. Build with her on that. Maybe surprising her with flowers and little romantic gifts like this might spark something in her a least. Keep praying like you are.
We will be praying for you as well.

Thank you for your prayers!

I did try conseling by myself after my wife quit. It was actually a year later and with a different counselor, Christian, but not Catholic. I think I confused the counselor as she seemed a bit be befuddled by the depth of my faith. I could tell after a few months she would occasionally attempt to nudge me into the “be true to your feelings, get happy, leave this misery”. I’m paraphasing there and as I do see this as my cross to bear right now, I can’t say I’m in complete misery. Frustrated as heck, yes, but not misery. And that’s how I try to approach it. I know it could be worse and I need to be thankful for what I have. We do have beautiful children, a home, health, etc. I try to look at my glass have full rather than half empty.

 

[Saturn5]

For help with your marriage, I suggest attending a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend. WWME is, however, for good marriages to make them great marriages. I don’t know if this would be the right enrichment for your marriage. wwme.org/

Retrouvaille is for hurting marriages. This may be best for your marriage.
retrouvaille.org/

One very important thing that leaped out from your message is that you sometimes turn to “look at inappropriate things on the internet, etc, etc”.

That, as you know, is not only harming you, but it harms your wife as well. It even harms those women in the internet pictures.

Steve Wood has a wonderful website with help for marriage and for those dealing with sexual sins.

familylifecenter.net/article/categories/14/Marriage-Builders

familylifecenterstore.net/pornography-freedom/

His booklet *Breaking Free 12 Steps to Sexual Purity for Men *sales for $2.95.

Please pray to keep yourself free from sexual sin on the internet.

Please ask the Holy Family to be your model.

Praise God that you have this gift of love to offer your wife, by not giving up on your Sacrament of Matrimony. Keep God in your marriage. Keep striving that you have a marriage full of love and together, help the other to our ultimate goal of Life Ever Lasting in Heaven.

I am most ashamed of that RoseMary, the sexual sin. I understand the harm and damage it does. It is something that I have not used as a crutch, but it is a temptation. Thank you for the links. I have read them and will be looking into them in more detail.

I would love to go to Retrouvaille with my wife! I have suggested it, but her response was underenthused. So I left the brochure with her and said it was her decision. If I coerce her to go, then it will be pretty useless. She needs to decide to go. It took me a while to finally figure that out, but I’m learning.

 

[Saturn5]

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My wife has not emotionally invested in the marriage in a long time.

My approach has been:

1. Work on improving myself. For me, this meant seeing a counselor and starting 12 step work on porn addiction. By God’s grace, I am 2+ years clean from porn and masturbation.
2. As part of my 9th step, I made an amends to my wife for all the **** I put her through. She said that for the first time in years she felt some emotional connection with me.
3. I still have a great many character flaws, but at least I am much healthier spiritually than when I was hooked on porn. Now I am turning my focus on what is right for my marriage and for my family.

For me, working on the marriage means being authentic to my spouse. If she hurts me in some way (e.g. denying sex), then I express that pain to my wife - and I try not to be angry or judgmental when I do so.

I also give her a lot more space and try not to be so emotionally needy or clingy. My support group helps a lot here, because I can be vulnerable to them more easily than to my wife.

I have suggested counseling to my wife as a way for her to find healing for herself. I gave her a list of counselors in our plan and let her know she could see any of them. That is all I can do though; she has to decide if she wants to or not.

I will give the marriage a certain amount of time to heal. If there is progress and my wife makes some effort, I will stick it out. However, if she continues to ignore or disregard my needs, I will gradually distance myself from the relationship and eventually divorce.

As you might be able to tell, I am not optimistic. I think that once a woman loses an emotional connection to her spouse, it just does not come back. I hold out some hope that I am wrong, but not much. So that is how I am handling it. Good luck

God bless you, your wife and marriage Groo. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I will offer up the suffering in your marriage in my prayers today.

I was on a different formum several years ago, none Catholic, but focused on marriage problems. There as another gentlemen in the same situation as you and I. He called himself “a 2%-er”, because “…98% of the men out there didn’t get it”. They didn’t treat their wives with respect, dignity or show them how valuable they are. In his conversations with his wife, he was trying to point out that he was on her side, he was trying to be the best husband he could be, he knew he had failings, but was trying to work on them.

I doubt his statistics or how you could even come up with them. But I liked the idea it conveyed. Have faith and hope. I’ll put you in the 2% category!

 

[The_Bucket]

It’s not so much I feel out of control of our marriage (I try to give that up to Christ everyday), but out of control sometimes of my own poor behaviors.

Well that’s all you can really get under control, you know? And the only way you can get yourself under control is by giving up control to Christ. Scary thing, I know. I’ve been there. I’m amazed every day when I see the numbers of people who are hooked on pornography and masturbation. Nice to know that I’m not alone but it’s little solace for those we hurt!

Look, the only person you can fix is you. And the only way you get fixed is by surrendering to Christ. If your wife eventually recognizes the change and wants what you have, then fantastic. If not, there’s precious little you can do about it besides pray and ask God for peace with your situation.

In the interim, you’ve got no place to be resentful while you’re still mired in what’s at least a habit and what could be an addiction. And you’ll find over the course of recovery that trying to justify resentments for any reason will only send you right back into what you were doing (sound like your first post?!) so you’ll cut that out too.

 

[Saturn5]

Well that’s all you can really get under control, you know? And the only way you can get yourself under control is by giving up control to Christ. Scary thing, I know. I’ve been there. I’m amazed every day when I see the numbers of people who are hooked on pornography and masturbation. Nice to know that I’m not alone but it’s little solace for those we hurt!

Look, the only person you can fix is you. And the only way you get fixed is by surrendering to Christ. If your wife eventually recognizes the change and wants what you have, then fantastic. If not, there’s precious little you can do about it besides pray and ask God for peace with your situation.

In the interim, you’ve got no place to be resentful while you’re still mired in what’s at least a habit and what could be an addiction. And you’ll find over the course of recovery that trying to justify resentments for any reason will only send you right back into what you were doing (sound like your first post?!) so you’ll cut that out too.

It was/is never an addiction and not a habit. I guess I will attest to an attempt to fill a emotional hole. I know it will never do that and it has become an increasingly rare event. With that said, I think my original thought in starting this thread was my struggle with constant bombardment of temptation. I know it that it will always be there until we are eventually called home. But it sometimes feels like I need to be in constant prayer to keep the constant prodding of the evil one at bay. Are there others that feel that way?

Just today I interupted my daily work to pray because I felt the frustration welling up. I did a rosary, I felt His grace come over me, I wept (I truly am sorry for the anger in my heart) and then I feel better. I guess I’m wondering if others experience this?

 

[Groo]

I

God bless you, your wife and marriage Groo. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I will offer up the suffering in your marriage in my prayers today.

I was on a different formum several years ago, none Catholic, but focused on marriage problems. There as another gentlemen in the same situation as you and I. He called himself “a 2%-er”, because “…98% of the men out there didn’t get it”. They didn’t treat their wives with respect, dignity or show them how valuable they are. In his conversations with his wife, he was trying to point out that he was on her side, he was trying to be the best husband he could be, he knew he had failings, but was trying to work on them.

I doubt his statistics or how you could even come up with them. But I liked the idea it conveyed. Have faith and hope. I’ll put you in the 2% category!

Thanks for your prayers. For a lot of years I did not treat my wife very well. Instead of confronting issues directly, I would escape to porn.

Now that I don’t escape to porn, I am just learning how to confront marriage and other issues in a healthier manner. Not sure I am doing very well with it.

I recently moved out of the bedroom and into the guest room. When I moved, I told her it was because I could not take the pain of sharing a bed with a spouse who consistently rejects my advances. It is just too painful for me. And I have found that I sleep better in the other bed, although I still wake up in the wee hours stressed about the marriage.

The collapse of our marriage is primarily my fault. But still she has stuck with me. I just don’t know if she is staying because of my paycheck and company health insurance, or if she has any feelings left for me.

So I am keeping an emotional distance from her. If she ever wants to talk, I will be direct and honest. But I need to see some emotional investment on her part to help repair the marriage. For instance, if she set aside some time in the evenings for us to just talk, I would consider that progress.

I will not stay in a marriage relationship if we are just going to be roommates though. That just breeds resentment on both sides and leads to infidelity and other messes.

 

[The_Bucket]

Groo, have you tried just loving your wife anyway? I mean in Christian love, with a bit of romance sprinkled in. I know that the rejection hurts, but you know where it’s coming from. Have you tried just doing chores for her around the house without being asked or asking for recognition? Have you tried leaving flowers on the table for no particular reason and not expecting her to respond with a “thank you, they’re pretty”? Have you tried just being what a man is supposed to be; a servant for his family?

I don’t mean you need to put yourself out there to get run over. I’m not suggesting you be at her beck and call and do whatever she says. Women don’t respond well to doormats anyway. I mean you just take charge and do things that a husband would normally do for his wife to please her, but have zero expectations that she’ll respond in a positive way. Like from that cheesy “Fireproof” movie. That movie was quite the cheese-fest but the lessons are pretty good, especially when you’re the guy that shattered the situation anyway.

If you can, just try that. Don’t bury your resentment, but instead offer it up to God. Let Him take it away completely. Just go about your business of being the servant leader of your family even if she does not respond positively. Some day she just might ask “Why are you doing all these good and nice things when we’ve barely talked or hashed anything out?” And then you can just shrug and say, “Because I love you” and leave it at that. Or maybe that won’t happen. I don’t know. What I can say is that letting go of the resentment will help you tremendously, so why not just go ahead and do that?

 

[RoseMary131]

Groo, The Bucket said some very wise things.

I think so highly of you for your work against the enticements of pornography addiction.

You mentioned that your wife is not ready for the sexual unity of your Sacrament of Matrimony at this time.

Your wife may need you first to be her friend before she feels ready to be intimate sexually with you. If you have been emotionally distant for any period of time and she feels you are not first her friend, she may not be able to react in a sexual manner.

You are of course her husband and that would imply her closest friend. She may not feel you are even a friend, let alone her closet friend, even less someone to share her most intimate, most private self in a sexual manner.

Become her friend again. Court her the way you did when you were engaged. Be her friend. Wives do not want to have sexual intimacy with a husband who is not her friend. Sexual relationship is a renewal of your marriage vows.

You may need to move back into your marriage bed and out of the guest room. Who has sexual love with a guest? You are refusing to sleep with her because she is not ready for sexual love with you.

The collapse of our marriage is primarily my fault. But still she has stuck with me. I just don’t know if she is staying because of my paycheck and company health insurance, or if she has any feelings left for me.

So I am keeping an emotional distance from her. If she ever wants to talk, I will be direct and honest. But I need to see some emotional investment on her part to help repair the marriage. For instance, if she set aside some time in the evenings for us to just talk, I would consider that progress.

I will not stay in a marriage relationship if we are just going to be roommates though. That just breeds resentment on both sides and leads to infidelity and other messes.

For whatever reason she is still with you, it is good. She may have had to build a wall to protect herself from the pain you caused in the past. You have to be willing to slowly and gently remove that wall.

You saying you can’t stay if she is only a roommate, meaning not having sexual love with you… that would be very painful for a wife to hear. You can not expect her to be intimate with you or else she “loses” you. She may have already felt she lost you years ago.

Your comment would reflect your mental attitude…look how it puts her on the defense…as if she can’t have you for her husband unless she desires to give you her most intimate, private sexual self. Please reflect on that mindset and see if that is a proper way for a husband to love, truly love his wife.

Don’t put it on her to set aside time to talk…don’t look for her to make progress. I do not mean to be hurtful to you. I don’t know either of your sides of the relationship. I want your Sacrament of Marriage to be wonderful. I want you both to want every day to fall into each others arms with love - even on the days “you drive her crazy” for little things.

Setting aside time every single day just for the two of you is very important. Not time to plan events, not time to talk about the kids…time for the two of you to share yourselves by talking.

On another note, she may still feel the hurt that you “shared” yourself in a sexual manner through pornography.

Invite your wife to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. You both will hear how to keep your relationship a priority, how to really listen to each other, how to communicate better. Nothing on the weekend is shared with anyone but you and your wife. After listening to the presenters, you will go to the privacy of your own room to share with each other. wwme.org/

WWME is for good marriages to make them better. You may need Retrouvaille which is help for hurting marriages. retrouvaille.org/

Keep loving her with all your being. You will slowly remove the walls she built over those years when you caused pain to your marriage. She built them to protect her heart.

I’m praying for you, your wife, and your beautiful Sacrament of Marriage.

 

[Groo]

Groo, have you tried just loving your wife anyway? I mean in Christian love, with a bit of romance sprinkled in. I know that the rejection hurts, but you know where it’s coming from. Have you tried just doing chores for her around the house without being asked or asking for recognition? Have you tried leaving flowers on the table for no particular reason and not expecting her to respond with a “thank you, they’re pretty”? Have you tried just being what a man is supposed to be; a servant for his family?

I don’t mean you need to put yourself out there to get run over. I’m not suggesting you be at her beck and call and do whatever she says. Women don’t respond well to doormats anyway. I mean you just take charge and do things that a husband would normally do for his wife to please her, but have zero expectations that she’ll respond in a positive way. Like from that cheesy “Fireproof” movie. That movie was quite the cheese-fest but the lessons are pretty good, especially when you’re the guy that shattered the situation anyway.

If you can, just try that. Don’t bury your resentment, but instead offer it up to God. Let Him take it away completely. Just go about your business of being the servant leader of your family even if she does not respond positively. Some day she just might ask “Why are you doing all these good and nice things when we’ve barely talked or hashed anything out?” And then you can just shrug and say, “Because I love you” and leave it at that. Or maybe that won’t happen. I don’t know. What I can say is that letting go of the resentment will help you tremendously, so why not just go ahead and do that?

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I did a 10th step on my resentment towards my wife and found that my part was my pride and selfishness. So I called my wife and apologized for my anger towards her and that seems to have lifted the resentment.

I saw Fireproof some time ago. Not sure about the flowers and all. I have typically brought my wife flowers about once every 3 weeks to a month. She has been appreciative, but also gets suspicious that I am covering an affair or something (which I am not). I am not sure what kind of message more flowers would send. I don’t want it to be an empty gesture, but I will think about it.

 

[Groo]

Groo, The Bucket said some very wise things.

I think so highly of you for your work against the enticements of pornography addiction.

You mentioned that your wife is not ready for the sexual unity of your Sacrament of Matrimony at this time.

Your wife may need you first to be her friend before she feels ready to be intimate sexually with you. If you have been emotionally distant for any period of time and she feels you are not first her friend, she may not be able to react in a sexual manner.

You are of course her husband and that would imply her closest friend. She may not feel you are even a friend, let alone her closet friend, even less someone to share her most intimate, most private self in a sexual manner.

Become her friend again. Court her the way you did when you were engaged. Be her friend. Wives do not want to have sexual intimacy with a husband who is not her friend. Sexual relationship is a renewal of your marriage vows.

You may need to move back into your marriage bed and out of the guest room. Who has sexual love with a guest? You are refusing to sleep with her because she is not ready for sexual love with you.

The collapse of our marriage is primarily my fault. But still she has stuck with me. I just don’t know if she is staying because of my paycheck and company health insurance, or if she has any feelings left for me.

So I am keeping an emotional distance from her. If she ever wants to talk, I will be direct and honest. But I need to see some emotional investment on her part to help repair the marriage. For instance, if she set aside some time in the evenings for us to just talk, I would consider that progress.

I will not stay in a marriage relationship if we are just going to be roommates though. That just breeds resentment on both sides and leads to infidelity and other messes.

For whatever reason she is still with you, it is good. She may have had to build a wall to protect herself from the pain you caused in the past. You have to be willing to slowly and gently remove that wall.

You saying you can’t stay if she is only a roommate, meaning not having sexual love with you… that would be very painful for a wife to hear. You can not expect her to be intimate with you or else she “loses” you. She may have already felt she lost you years ago.

Your comment would reflect your mental attitude…look how it puts her on the defense…as if she can’t have you for her husband unless she desires to give you her most intimate, private sexual self. Please reflect on that mindset and see if that is a proper way for a husband to love, truly love his wife.

Don’t put it on her to set aside time to talk…don’t look for her to make progress. I do not mean to be hurtful to you. I don’t know either of your sides of the relationship. I want your Sacrament of Marriage to be wonderful. I want you both to want every day to fall into each others arms with love - even on the days “you drive her crazy” for little things.

Setting aside time every single day just for the two of you is very important. Not time to plan events, not time to talk about the kids…time for the two of you to share yourselves by talking.

On another note, she may still feel the hurt that you “shared” yourself in a sexual manner through pornography.

Invite your wife to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. You both will hear how to keep your relationship a priority, how to really listen to each other, how to communicate better. Nothing on the weekend is shared with anyone but you and your wife. After listening to the presenters, you will go to the privacy of your own room to share with each other. wwme.org/

WWME is for good marriages to make them better. You may need Retrouvaille which is help for hurting marriages. retrouvaille.org/

Keep loving her with all your being. You will slowly remove the walls she built over those years when you caused pain to your marriage. She built them to protect her heart.

I’m praying for you, your wife, and your beautiful Sacrament of Marriage.

Thank you for your prayers and comments. Taking things slow is not something I have ever been very good at, but I think you are right. It is going to take some time to heal.

The lack of time to talk is my biggest challenge. She stays up late with the kids - past my bedtime; or she falls asleep in the kids room in the chair or something at night. We have talked about earlier bedtime, but she has not changed it. I could try getting them to bed myself, but my wife has usually sabotaged my attempts in the past, for lack of a better word. I spent so many years neglecting my kids that my relationship with them is not that strong. I will try to schedule time at least weekly though, when we can get a sitter on weekends.

We have tried Retrouvaille, and it was a good weekend. But we never put in the time to talk to make it work.

 

[RoseMary131]

Thank you for your prayers and comments. Taking things slow is not something I have ever been very good at, but I think you are right. It is going to take some time to heal.

The lack of time to talk is my biggest challenge. She stays up late with the kids - past my bedtime; or she falls asleep in the kids room in the chair or something at night. We have talked about earlier bedtime, but she has not changed it. I could try getting them to bed myself, but my wife has usually sabotaged my attempts in the past, for lack of a better word. I spent so many years neglecting my kids that my relationship with them is not that strong. I will try to schedule time at least weekly though, when we can get a sitter on weekends.

We have tried Retrouvaille, and it was a good weekend. But we never put in the time to talk to make it work.

Tonight when she gets the kids to bed, step into the room with them. (If she asks you to leave, do so.) Just be there, not taking away the “work” she does in getting them to bed…just be in the same room with them. If she asks why…“because I want to be with my family tonight.” Repeat this every night (unless it causes her to be upset). If she feels irritated…follow her lead…your change of heart doesn’t mean she realizes your love nor is ready to forgive past hurts.

Your daily talk does not need a sitter. A wonderful night out together without the kids is a fantastic idea. However, it is every single day…that she needs to feel your love by you taking the time to spend 10 minutes, just 10 minutes of only the two of you.