How to deal with this?

[luvpinsanity]

This is complicated, so bear with me. My husband and I got married a month ago. Right before the wedding, he got hired for a new job (full time, with benefits). At the time, he was working two jobs from 4a-5p a day. Due to the training schedule with the new job, he had to ask both jobs for time off work. The first job (from 4a-8a) was very hesitant and he got the feeling at the time that they were going to fire him. On day he went in to work (a 45 min drive) and when he got there at 4a, no one else was in the parking lot. It was one of those days that apparently everyone else but him had been told they were starting late. Instead of waiting the hour until they started, he drove back home (he had Friday’s off from his other job so that was the only job he worked Friday’s) So, that was the last day he went to that job.

I really swallowed my anger and just said we will deal with it. He does have a new job afterall that was starting on that Monday.

With his second job, his boss gave him the time off work (grudgingly). It’s a pay per client, so he only gets hours when he has clients. After the two weeks of training at his NEW job we still didn’t have a permanent schedule for him, like we were promised, so he wasn’t able to go forward and get his hours. Well, turns out that DH wasn’t doing his job emailing his boss promptly and returning her phone calls. At one point, he claimed she hadn’t emailed him back. He had left his email logged in on the computer (we share a profile but have separate email addresses) so I just did a quick search for his bosses name. First thing that popped up was an email she had sent him a week ago. She literally emailed him back within hours of his email and he never opened it. When I called him about it, he apologized and said he would deal with it. He claims that when he calls her, she doesn’t answer or return his calls. I know she screens her phone calls, so I know the first part is true, but every other time she has always returned his phone calls. Anyway, in the email the tone of the email was pretty dire. Basically, you need to contact me or you will be fired, so I would assume he would seriously put his attention to this matter.

So, again, I swallowed my anger and haste and let him deal with it. In the meantime, we find out from his new job that he may have to get moved around to a different program, or even dropped into the floater pool and given part-time (or less) hours. We panic for a week before we hear the answer that they aren’t moving him or switching his hours. The next Monday, his supervisor calls him and says that HR wants him moved to a different program next week. So he starts applying for new jobs when this all started happening, and I remind him to make sure that he gets everything squared away with his old boss so he can pick up hours there if he needs to (which he does ANYWAY)…

So on Wednesday, I asked him to call his boss and make sure that he left her a message. I said, you know, just call her when you are driving into work, call her on your lunch break, etc. He just said I have it handled. Well, tonight, I was a bit devious and logged into his email. We know each other’s passwords and such. So, again, I searched for his boss’s name. First thing that pops up is a read email from MONDAY that says basically “I need two things from you by Friday or else I am terminating your position” Of course, I just asked him to call his boss YESTERDAY (who knows if he did it)… so I lost it.

I called him and flipped out. Yes, I get that he is frustrating that his jobs aren’t working out but the major catalyst behind this is his PRIDE. He was too prideful to wait for the other coworkers so he quit the job, he couldn’t acknowledge that he wasn’t doing everything to contact his old boss, so he’d rather ignore her until she fires him… I MEAN it’s been five weeks since he’s worked for her and she hasn’t fired him. She has been MORE than reasonable. He says ‘the job isn’t worth it’ and I said “but its MONEY” - we are having car troubles and money troubles and I just feel so stressed that he just seems to think that we will manage. I want to get AHEAD not stay in the same place.

Yes, I realize I shouldn’t have read his email. But I mentioned to him on the phone… what was he going to do after Friday when I asked him about contacting his old boss? He never told me about the email, or how serious the situation was. He said he had no idea what he was going to say to me after Friday. He gets out of work at 11pm, so I have some time to figure this out… but there’s really nothing we can do to save this job at this point. My husband’s inaction speaks louder than words. I guess he simply just doesn’t care.

Please, how would you deal with this?

(FWIW, I am in school 2 days a week, and we have one car.)

 

[Aggies08]

It sounds like you are the mom, and he is the child.

That’s not healthy.

He may need to “crash and burn” before he gets his act together.

I’d let him handle it, and only offer help if he asks for it.

 

[1ke]

How old are the two of you?

Has this pattern of irresponsibility been an ongoing thing in the past?

You are not his mom. He needs to handle his own business.

 

[luvpinsanity]

I have tried the whole crash and burn thing before. He got fired from a job in 2011 (it wasn’t his fault for this… it was just a stupid situation he couldn’t have done anything differently) and he did not really try to get a job. About two weeks before we were going to be forced to move in with my parents, I was able to secure a job that made enough money that we could float by. While I was the only one working, it was horrible. He was terrible with the kids, was always cranky, and we were both in school that semester too. I ended up having to quit my job because he wasn’t motivated to find a job while I was working. He didn’t blame me for quitting (there were other reasons I quit- lack of training, lack of hours, consistent bullying from management, etc.) but the fact that he was not motivated to find a job was a big one for me. It wasn’t like my job was earning anywhere near what he makes either - I was making $8/hr. He has an education, so he gets paid more… He found two jobs in March and has been really motivated this year so far until this whole fiasco.

How old are the two of you?

Has this pattern of irresponsibility been an ongoing thing in the past?

You are not his mom. He needs to handle his own business.

I’m 24, he’s 27.

Yes, I agree he needs to handle his own business. I want him to… but obviously the problem here is that he hasn’t.

I also feel like he was untruthful to me because when I inquired about the situation with his boss he never really let me know everything.

 

[PJH_74]

I’m going to be blunt not to be mean, but hopefully save your marriage. You really need marriage counseling (even if you just go yourself) more than this forum. I’m also guessing your pre-marital counseling didn’t happen or was wholly inadequate. He sounds quite passive-aggressive (pick up a book on the topic or look at the definition and see if it fits your situation) and you are rapidly losing respect for him. This is a recipe for a very short or very unfulfilling marriage unless you get to the bottom of this in detail.

I’m sorry you guys are in this situation and will pray for you.

 

[luvpinsanity]

I’m going to be blunt not to be mean, but hopefully save your marriage. You really need marriage counseling (even if you just go yourself) more than this forum. I’m also guessing your pre-marital counseling didn’t happen or was wholly inadequate. He sounds quite passive-aggressive (pick up a book on the topic or look at the definition and see if it fits your situation) and you are rapidly losing respect for him. This is a recipe for a very short or very unfulfilling marriage unless you get to the bottom of this in detail.

I’m sorry you guys are in this situation and will pray for you.

Marriage counseling isn’t an option right now with his job schedule. I can’t even schedule DR appointments (I keep having to reschedule them) his job can’t keep his schedule straight. Just this week they changed his schedule on two different days.

He is getting switched to a new program for two weeks (ish) and then going back to his current program, and hopefully from there on he will have a permanent schedule. Even a semi-permanent schedule would be better so I could make some appointments and run errands.

Thank you for your prayers. I really just needed someone to talk to before he comes home tonight.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You need third party counseling. You cannot nag him into being more responsible.

It sounds like you have made some bad mistakes by living together and having children before marriage and then perhaps marriage without proper preparation. You need to reset things completely.

 

[bstorm]

Difficult situation. Staying out of it is an option, the problem is that his job situation affects you and your children directly. I wonder if rather than nagging him about calling the boss and replying his emails, you could offer him your help. Be his personal assistant/secretary and help him write emails. If he has trouble wring emails to his boss, do it for him. Obviously, this is something you can only do with your husband’s permision.

 

[Julia_Mae]

This is complicated, so bear with me. My husband and I got married a month ago.

Yes, I realize I shouldn’t have read his email. But I mentioned to him on the phone… what was he going to do after Friday when I asked him about contacting his old boss? He never told me about the email, or how serious the situation was. He said he had no idea what he was going to say to me after Friday. He gets out of work at 11pm, so I have some time to figure this out… but there’s really nothing we can do to save this job at this point. My husband’s inaction speaks louder than words. I guess he simply just doesn’t care.

Please, how would you deal with this?

Lawyer. Annulment or quick divorce. Find man emotionally older then 14 who wants a mommy to take care of him for the rest of his life. Protect your marital assets. It’s been a month. What do you think it will be like in a year? And no sex. At all. Pregnancy is to be avoided at all costs.

I’m sorry this is happening. But best to find out while your investment is as low as it is. Move on, don’t give away the farm.

 

[luvpinsanity]

You need third party counseling. You cannot nag him into being more responsible.

It sounds like you have made some bad mistakes by living together and having children before marriage and then perhaps marriage without proper preparation. You need to reset things completely.

Yes, we made mistakes. Unfortunately, my parents were not good examples of Catholic marriage and did not raise children with those values. I would have preferred not to move in with my husband prior to marriage, but it was not to be avoided due to the circumstances I was in at the time.

If I could do it again, I would still have my children. They are blessings from God and should not be punished for my own shortcomings. My husband and I abstained prior to getting married and we were absolved in confession before the marriage.

bstorm:

Difficult situation. Staying out of it is an option, the problem is that his job situation affects you and your children directly. I wonder if rather than nagging him about calling the boss and replying his emails, you could offer him your help. Be his personal assistant/secretary and help him write emails. If he has trouble wring emails to his boss, do it for him. Obviously, this is something you can only do with your husband’s permision.

I cannot help him with something if he will not reach out to me and ask me. I cannot help him at all if he does not tell me what’s going on… I try not to nag, I really do, but you can see I am not working with much here… I try so much to give him opportunities to do right. We normally share everything - I mean, everything.

In anger, I told him I wanted to see his call history to see if he actually called his boss yesterday. Should I regret speaking out in anger or should I be really worried that he was lying to me? I am conflicted here.
Julia Mae:

Lawyer. Annulment or quick divorce. Find man emotionally older then 14 who wants a mommy to take care of him for the rest of his life. Protect your marital assets. It’s been a month. What do you think it will be like in a year? And no sex. At all. Pregnancy is to be avoided at all costs.

I’m sorry this is happening. But best to find out while your investment is as low as it is. Move on, don’t give away the farm.

You can’t be serious, right?

 

[HouseArrest]

His three jobs don’t add up in my mind. If he was hired for a full time job with benefits, why would he ask for time off work from the other two jobs? Why wouldn’t he resign from both?

Maybe he is doing too much. I can’t imagine the stress of a wedding, children, and three jobs.

 

[1ke]

The problem, as I see it, is that you married a man who continues to behave the same way he did before you were married and yet you expect him to magically change and be different. Ain’t gonna happen.

You knew his pattern, yet you married him. I think you need to readjust your expectations of him or you are not going to last long. You need counseling, he needs counseling, and you need joint counseling.

I don’t hold out hopes, however, that his character will change at all. Character is developed over years. He has shown his character, you simply chose to ignore it. It happens a lot. I am really sorry this is happening to you!

 

[1ke]

His three jobs don’t add up in my mind. If he was hired for a full time job with benefits, why would he ask for time off work from the other two jobs? Why wouldn’t he resign from both?

Maybe he is doing too much. I can’t imagine the stress of a wedding, children, and three jobs.

I don’t really understand that either, but it really isn’t the heart of the matter. It is their communication and his passive approach and the parent-child dynamic in this relationship that are troubling. Not to mention her sneaking around behind him, reading his email, and checking up on him.

Not a healthy dynamic at all.

 

[PJH_74]

I don’t hold out hopes, however, that his character will change at all. Character is developed over years. He has shown his character, you simply chose to ignore it. It happens a lot. I am really sorry this is happening to you!

I might hold out a little more hope as we really don’t know the man. This could be a character issue; but this can also be a man who feels trapped, depressed, was abused, or has low self-esteem. The why of his behaviors and his willingness to address them will provide the answer. However passive-aggressive type self destructive behaviors need to end now, especially with kids to feed.

 

[cmscms]

His three jobs don’t add up in my mind. If he was hired for a full time job with benefits, why would he ask for time off work from the other two jobs? Why wouldn’t he resign from both?

Maybe he is doing too much. I can’t imagine the stress of a wedding, children, and three jobs.

I totally agree with this. I have NEVER heard of someone taking a new job and asking for time off at the old one. Usually when you take a new job you resign from the old one. I also know from experience that when you have a part-time job, it is next to impossible to have a second part time job. There will always be some days that both employer’s will want you to work and you just can’t be two places at once.

And my heart does bleed for you because again I know from experience how hard it can be to find work.

So…what can you do for your husband? Sadly the only thing I can think of is to pray to God. Also, (and I know you aren’t going to like this), you will have to honestly make a choice between staying with him and putting up with his inability to be responsible or move on. I am NOT going to tell you what to do either way, only God can guide you on that. However, you do need to realize that if you choose to stay, this is probably what the rest of your life will be like and you will need to constantly pray for acceptance

CM

 

[luvpinsanity]

His three jobs don’t add up in my mind. If he was hired for a full time job with benefits, why would he ask for time off work from the other two jobs? Why wouldn’t he resign from both?

Maybe he is doing too much. I can’t imagine the stress of a wedding, children, and three jobs.

Like I said it’s complicated.

He no longer works job #1 - it was a part-time job (20hrs a week) The reason he didn’t quit that job was because he was told he was going to be working second shift. This job was 4a-8 or 9a, so it wouldn’t have been impacted. However, the training was a fixed schedule from 8a-4p for two weeks, which is why he needed the time off work. He intended to return to work after the training was over.

Job #2 is the one he will lose tomorrow. He hasn’t worked that since the beginning of Oct either. When he worked job #1 and job #2 he went straight to this job from job #1. This job does not have a set schedule, it’s on a client by client basis, so it is very flexible as long as their is a case available. (each case only gets a certain number of hours, so it’s possible for him to get a case that would only have 5-10 hrs). When he started job #2 he was told it was going to be full time hours, but over the eight months he worked there he averaged about 10 hours a week I will guess, maybe less. The most hours he ever got in a week was 25. Obviously, we could not survive on this by itself, which is why he was looking for another job (and working job #1)

Job #3 is the one he started in Oct. The idea was that he could either work job #1 or job #2. The plan was never for him to work all three jobs, but job #3 does not pay all the bills. The hope was that he could get one case at job #2 so we did not have to worry about a buffer. So, we just need more money. That’s the reason for the second job. Plus, because this job #2 was something he could have stayed at for years with no problems just going client by client would have been a great way for him to gain experience…

Can you blame me for checking up on him when I realize what he has been doing? I mean, yes I got my hand bit in the cookie jar but he has not said a thing to me about this all week. I didn’t hide it from him either - I told him straight up that I did it.

 

[PJH_74]

Can you blame me for checking up on him when I realize what he has been doing? I mean, yes I got my hand bit in the cookie jar but he has not said a thing to me about this all week. I didn’t hide it from him either - I told him straight up that I did it.

When it comes to actions of his (or yours) that affect your family’s ability to eat, have shelter, transportation, and heat; both of you have the right to know what the other is doing. The Priest said you are one…not a joint venture…and he needs to honor that.

While I would never call my marriage perfect, I also happen to be in the middle of a job change. This job change involves about a 5% paycut but is much better for me long term and for career advancement. Eventhough this 5% cut really does not affect our lives, my spouse has been involved in every step and we even did a pro/con list together. I won’t even give my notice to my current employer without telling my spouse ahead of time.

In short I’m trying to afirm you deserve to know what is going on with his job. The obligation you have as his wife is to try to work with him if he has some reasonable explaination for his behavior and he is truly working to change it. But doing whatever I want to do, especially when it comes to supporting children, because I want to/am angry/was hurt/etc. will not cut it. If he presists, it is not you who will have left the marriage, it is him that already has.

 

[1ke]

Can you blame me for checking up on him when I realize what he has been doing? I mean, yes I got my hand bit in the cookie jar but he has not said a thing to me about this all week. I didn’t hide it from him either - I told him straight up that I did it.

Yes.

He is a man, not a child. You need to treat him like one. Do not nag, do not spy, do not follow up.

If he fails, he fails. He must do it or not do it on his own terms. Let him rise to the occasion of being a husband and father. Leave him alone and trust that he will support you.

If you do not have that, you do not have anything. Trust is very important.

If he does not support you, then you can obtain government aid temporarily to help you and the children and you will know the truth of the situation. You can move back in with your family if necessary-- you won’t be on the street.

 

[luvpinsanity]

Yes.

If he fails, he fails. He must do it or not do it on his own terms. Let him rise to the occasion of being a husband and father. Leave him alone and trust that he will support you.

I understand the sentiment, but the problem is that when he fails … like today, when he failed to contact his boss prior to the deadline and will be terminated. So, yes, he did it on his own terms (no contact).

But his choices don’t just impact him - they impact me and the kids, too.

I also found out he lied to me - he never called or left a message for his boss on Wednesday.

When he came home from work last night around midnight, he did not even speak a word to me other than to ask how the children were and then went straight to bed. He did not mention anything to me this morning. He knows my feelings from the phone call yesterday, and still… has not said a word to me.

I just do not know how to handle this or talk to him. I waited for him to “man up” and he hasn’t… so I will give him more time.

 

[PJH_74]

Yes.

He is a man, not a child. You need to treat him like one. Do not nag, do not spy, do not follow up.

If he fails, he fails. He must do it or not do it on his own terms. Let him rise to the occasion of being a husband and father. Leave him alone and trust that he will support you.

If you do not have that, you do not have anything. Trust is very important.

If he does not support you, then you can obtain government aid temporarily to help you and the children and you will know the truth of the situation. You can move back in with your family if necessary-- you won’t be on the street.

Seriously? She’s already acknowledged spying on him was not the best, but are you REALLY suggesting she’s a little wife who should just trust her man to his man stuff and not interfere? What world do you live in where a woman can’t ask more of her husband to follow through and be honest with her? Are you really saying she should just let her family slide into public assistance and living with her parents, how’s that good?