How to deal with this?

[1ke]

Seriously? She’s already acknowledged spying on him was not the best, but are you REALLY suggesting she’s a little wife who should just trust her man to his man stuff and not interfere?

Yes.

What world do you live in where a woman can’t ask more of her husband to follow through and be honest with her?

One where I don’t emasculate my husband.

Yes, they should certainly discuss it as a couple, which they did. Then she needs to LEAVE IT ALONE.

Are you really saying she should just let her family slide into public assistance and living with her parents, how’s that good?

No, I am saying that if he does not follow through that is the worst that might happen.

The worst that happens is that she discovers he will not change and then she makes a decision to move on. This might include public assistance or assitance from family. It might not.

Of course she is free to get a job herself, but that does not seem to be her agenda at this time.

 

[1ke]

I understand the sentiment, but the problem is that when he fails … like today, when he failed to contact his boss prior to the deadline and will be terminated. So, yes, he did it on his own terms (no contact).

But his choices don’t just impact him - they impact me and the kids, too.

I also found out he lied to me - he never called or left a message for his boss on Wednesday.

When he came home from work last night around midnight, he did not even speak a word to me other than to ask how the children were and then went straight to bed. He did not mention anything to me this morning. He knows my feelings from the phone call yesterday, and still… has not said a word to me.

I just do not know how to handle this or talk to him. I waited for him to “man up” and he hasn’t… so I will give him more time.

Well, I am of the opinion he is not likely to “man up”. But if he is going to it needs to be without you nagging, snooping, and berating him. If he doesn’t, move home with your kids until he does.

 

[PJH_74]

But if he is going to it needs to be without you nagging, snooping, and berating him.

All I can say is as a man, I’d hope my wife would call me on my stuff like she is here if some some weird reason I started acting this way.

 

[SMHW]

All I can say is as a man, I’d hope my wife would call me on my stuff like she is here if some some weird reason I started acting this way.

It seems as if she has called him out on it.

I see three broad categories of advice we can give the OP:

1. 
   *]How she can learn to be content with the status quo,
   *]How she can try to change her husband’s behavior,
   *]What she should do if/when her husband does not change his behavior (within a given time period).
   
   Some of us are of the opinion that she should be prepared to look for Category 3 advice.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

One where I don’t emasculate my husband.

Yes, they should certainly discuss it as a couple, which they did. Then she needs to LEAVE IT ALONE.

Nope, sorry. The well being of the family comes before his ego and desire to not be emasculated. The idea that she should move her kids out of their house, make them switch schools, move away from their friends and routine and in to their grandparents house rather than make the husband feel “emasculated” is archaic, destructive, and irresponsible.

Additionally, moving back home is not an option for everyone. Her parents may not take her (my mom refuses to allow her married children to stay with her when they have marital problems), they may not have room, they may not be alive, they may be in a nursing home, she may have a terrible relationship with them due to past abuse, or any other number of issues.

The only thing for her to do is realize that if she stays with him he will ruin them financially and she will always be forced in to the role of being his mother. Alternatively, she could leave him and give herself a shot at being with a man who is mature enough and ready to have a family. I vote option number 2.

 

[The_Bucket]

All I can say is as a man, I’d hope my wife would call me on my stuff like she is here if some some weird reason I started acting this way.

No kidding.

Look, I’m all for wives helping their husbands feel like men. I’m all for the traditional family dynamic. But the thing is that the traditional family dynamic does not include a man just taking care of the business and the woman being a little wife who does nothing else but depend on her husband and watch the kids. Husbands and wives are supposed to work together and when the men act like children, the women need to knock us in the head and tell us to get our act together. I prefer a direct approach to snooping around, but if the direct approach ain’t working, then you do what you have to do!

I see the family as a ship. The husband is the captain and the wife is the first officer. The first officer is entrusted with ensuring that day-to-day operations run smoothly and the captain ensures that the ship is headed in the right direction. But if the captain screws up, the first officer has to step in and relieve him of his command for awhile. You don’t just let the captain run the ship into rocks because hey, he’s the captain! That’s idiotic.

And by the way, the notion of a man being in charge and a woman just being the little wife is not archaic. It’s revisionist history. Yes, this dynamic did exist in certain circles from time to time, but wives have usually been working right there alongside husbands. Think there was time for the wife to sit at home and let their family fortunes rise or fall based on what the husbands did when it came to the Middle Ages? How about the frontier days? How about even rural America today? This sort of thing may have been idealized in 1950s and 1960s television, but it didn’t really play out in real life.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And by the way, the notion of a man being in charge and a woman just being the little wife is not archaic. It’s revisionist history. Yes, this dynamic did exist in certain circles from time to time, but wives have usually been working right there alongside husbands. Think there was time for the wife to sit at home and let their family fortunes rise or fall based on what the husbands did when it came to the Middle Ages? How about the frontier days? How about even rural America today? This sort of thing may have been idealized in 1950s and 1960s television, but it didn’t really play out in real life.

Heck, even my grandmother put on trousers and worked the farm alongside my grandpa. They didn’t have the money for my grandma to be the little woman who raised children and spent her days cooking and cleaning. And even if they did have the money, my grandpa picked the wrong woman for that.

And when he died she could and did take care of herself. She knew where all of their money was, what their obligations and investments were, and what their budget was like. She had had an equal hand in everything their entire lives, and that saved her a lot of money. (She could also change the oil in a car, repair a lawnmower engine, and she built my swing set herself when I was a kid, and it wasn’t one of those store bought ones either. She bought the lumbar and did all of the measuring, sawing, hammering, and drilling herself.)

 

[The_Bucket]

Exactly. True enough that women, outside of monarchies, were not included in the political sphere for most of history. True enough that men had all kinds of public sphere clout and used that clout on far too many occasions to dominate women.

But for average folks this kind of nonsense didn’t happen. When you’ve got just a little scrap of land and you’re trying to feed your family, there’s no marrying women off to cool political tensions between families. You’re working together in a partnership from the start. I find it incredibly ironic that the ruling classes who throughout history have tried to be standard bearers for public morality had this so, so wrong for so many centuries, while the little guy had it far more right.

 

[The_Bucket]

That’s not to say, by the way, that on the farms women of child bearing age typically found themselves around the house more often than men. They were. They needed to be there to cook, clean and raise the kids. They also had to feed the chickens, get the eggs, make clothes, get water from the well and do all kinds of work. Men were out in the field more because well, we’re stronger. But that’s a division of labor based on a partnership. Sure, the partnership generally included men being the “leader” but it’s a partnership nonetheless and when the leader acts like an idiot, he needs to be straightened out.

 

[1ke]

All I can say is as a man, I’d hope my wife would call me on my stuff like she is here if some some weird reason I started acting this way.

Started?

I think you missed the part where I asked if he was this way before they married and she replied “yes”. This is HIM. She married him knowing he was this way and now thinks he will magically change. Not gonna happen.

I suggested individual counseling for both of them and joint counseling.

But, the nagging and snooping will change nothing and he will simply dig in his heels further.

 

[Lorelei12]

Although I can see why you might be compelled to snoop around and bug him about his job duties, I think you realize it’s not going to help anything. Yes, you are his wife and his job performance is your business. But you need to back off and allow him to do his own job and establish himself at his new job.

If he truly cannot be trusted to do that, then you need to begin planning to either find a job or get some aid, or both. You mentioned you are in school- how much longer do you have? Do you think he will be responsible enough to stay in this job until you are done? If not, you need to put school on hold and find a way to support your family.

Also, now that he is only working one job, you should be able to find some time for counseling. It really does sound like you both need it- he is irresponsible and lies to you, and you seem to treat him like a child. In the end, you need to do what is best for your marriage and what is best for your children, whether that means taking a job yourself, finding out what kind of aid you qualify for, getting some counseling, or all of the above.

 

[luvpinsanity]

Hi everyone, so my husband called his boss and I think he is working on getting that straightened out. I think she is being lenient and giving him a bit more time. Unfortunately, tomorrow would have been perfect for the meeting but my son has a doctor appointment in the morning and then I have class. Hopefully we can make it work before the holiday.

We had a long discussion. I think he was just fearful and did not want to lose face. He understands our financial situation, but I think he does not like to acknowledge the reality. He did apologize, and realized that he wouldn’t like it if I went out and made a decision on my own that affected the family.

I am hopeful we can look into counseling in the future. My classes end in Dec, and we are still undecided where to go from here with my schooling. That, and hopefully DH will get a solid schedule so we can make one day for an appointment and we can keep it the same every week. Thanks for all the advice.