How to defend catholic faith to husband against priest molestation accusations?

[Erin_m87]

I am new to Catholism. I was baptized Protestant at 17, I’m 25 and married for a year. My husband is a believer, but does not practice any religion or attend church. I fell away for awhile, but recently attended a Christmas Mass at a Catholic church (my first time at a mass) and I have been growing in m faith ever since. I am s drawn and in love with the Catholic Church and the ways of worship and the ritualistic practice. I have decided to attend RCIA classes and am seriously considering joining the church.

My husband; however, hates the Catholic Church. He is so focused on the past mistakes, corruption of church leaders, the wealth, and specifically the child abuse accusation. I choose to forgive and accept the religion for the faith and the tradition rather than the negative. I’ve had nothing but good experiences with the people of the church so far.

He says he can’t believe I am stupid enough to go to the Roman Catholic Church ( or Church of Rome) that it is a sick church, and the priest rape little boys, and I must be brainwashed. He also says I am being close minded, and I need to look it up. Of course I have heard of and know all the bad things, but that does not change my faith. I am really saddened by the past mistakes but in no way does that affect my love for the catholic ways. How can I defend my choice? I am very new to Catholicism so any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank-you, and God Bless.

 

[po18guy]

First, one must separate behavior from teachings. If we cannot, then no faith on earth is worth believing in. At this stage of presenting the faith, I can heartily recommend a copy of Catholicism for Dummies. It is a well-written easily read and understood compendium of the beliefs and practices of the faith. You may rely on it for years to come. I learn something each time I read my copy.

As to sexual scandals, just Google “pastor scandals” “Rabbi scandals” and “Islamic sex scandals” You will see that it is a worldwide epidemic.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Welcome home! I agree that someone needs to look things up, but I’d lean more toward your husband being the one in that boat. As awful as the sex abuse scandal was, looking at the facts puts it in a somewhat different perspective. The bulk of the abuse cases took place over a 20-30 year period, from the 70s into the 90s. At the time this was going on, common practice at the time (not just in the Catholic church) was to try to treat the offender and move them out of the circumstances that led to their abuse. From what I’ve read, criminal charges were the exception, not the rule. Teachers, pastors, priests, etc. would possibly go through some sort of treatment program, or would promise to not do it again on their own recognizance. They’d then be transferred, given a new position, etc. which left them free to start molesting kids again. When the scandal broke, the Church was portrayed as unique in this regard, although that certainly wasn’t the case.

Some other things to look at are just how many accused priests were later acquitted, and how many of victims were over the age of 18. One report I read early in the 2000s claimed that as many as 85% of accused priests were never indicted. A report I read more recently claimed that over 50% of the victims were adults at the time of their abuse. While that doesn’t justify things by any means, it paints a different picture than the stereotypical pedophile priest (in other words, it was much more of a homosexual issue than a pedophile issue). As things stand now, the Church has some of the strictest guidelines when it comes to accusations of molestation. On top of that, following the scandal, the Church went to great lengths to remove homosexuals from the seminaries and active ministry. At the height of the scandal, reports I’ve read have claimed that a child was as much as 100 times more likely to be molested by a public school teacher, and up to ten times more likely to be molested by a minister from another denomination. In recent years, despite the stereotypes, the number of accusations has dropped off to negligible numbers. From 2005-2011 there were a grand total of 58 accusations of molestation of a minor by priests in the US (compared with over 63,000 accusations overall in the US in 2010 alone).

Comparing the Church to other organizations, you see that, while any abuse is awful, the problem within the Church was nowhere near as bad as the problems outside the Church. While the Church in the US has cleaned up Her act, other organizations certainly haven’t. I can’t find the article right now, but one I read recently discussed a study done of abuse cases in New York public schools. Reported cases in a single district for the most recent year they had records for was over 30. The report also showed that the bulk of the accused teachers were given paid administrative leave (some for years on end before finally being released with full retirement benefits) and that many were never reported to the authorities. Still, it’s the Catholic Church that’s portrayed as the only organization in the country that covers up and facilitates abuse by its members, putting children at risk while avoiding a public relations black eye. It certainly wouldn’t happen at a public school or Big Ten university.

For the record, I’ve had to have this same argument with several friends and family members (most of them Catholic) in the past year or two. Most recently was my son who had one of those family members and a few of his friends “educate” him on what a horrible organization of pedophiles the Church is. Again, I’m not trying to justify what happened–any abuse is horrible and should be condemned–but to virulently attack the Church while giving these other organizations a virtual free pass is ridiculous.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

I am new to Catholism. I was baptized Protestant at 17, I’m 25 and married for a year. My husband is a believer, but does not practice any religion or attend church. I fell away for awhile, but recently attended a Christmas Mass at a Catholic church (my first time at a mass) and I have been growing in m faith ever since. I am s drawn and in love with the Catholic Church and the ways of worship and the ritualistic practice. I have decided to attend RCIA classes and am seriously considering joining the church.

My husband; however, hates the Catholic Church. He is so focused on the past mistakes, corruption of church leaders, the wealth, and specifically the child abuse accusation. I choose to forgive and accept the religion for the faith and the tradition rather than the negative. I’ve had nothing but good experiences with the people of the church so far.

He says he can’t believe I am stupid enough to go to the Roman Catholic Church ( or Church of Rome) that it is a sick church, and the priest rape little boys, and I must be brainwashed. He also says I am being close minded, and I need to look it up. Of course I have heard of and know all the bad things, but that does not change my faith. I am really saddened by the past mistakes but in no way does that affect my love for the catholic ways. How can I defend my choice? I am very new to Catholicism so any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank-you, and God Bless.

Hi, and welcome!

I go through something similar with my father (who is actually Catholic). I was raised in the Church, though my family faell away from the Church some six years ago. I came back about a year ago. My father, when conversations regarding religion or Catholicism come up, with invariably say something like, “I will always be a member of the Catholic faith, even if I disagree with the Catholic Church,” and then go one to bloviate about how awful the Chruch is because of how the clergy sex abuse crisis was handled. He says this is “inexcusable,” which it is. What he’s really saying is, “I’m not interested in contemplating forgiveness.”

What’s important to remember about the sex abuse scandals is:

-This is not a problem exclusive to Catholic priests. There are child abuse cases reported in other religions, in the Boy Scouts, in schools, between neighbors, and even within families. By your husband’s (and my father’s) logic, people should avoid those other religions, Boy Scouts, schools, neighbors, and their families.

-Between 1950 and 2002 (the period of time covered by what is known as the “John Jay Report”) a little under 11,000 alleged victims were reported. About 4,300 priests were accused by these victims, roughly 4% of all priests active in this time frame. Of the 4,300 priests accused, 149 of them were responsible for 3,000 victims. The overwhelming majority of priests were not–and are not–abusing children.

-Some, not all and not most, bishops looked the other way or actively covered up these cases. It happened, and there is no denying it. That, however, is a mishadling of criminal discipline, not a theological or spiritual point, which ought to be the main reason for joining (or not joining, for that matter) the Church. If a bishop acted in such a way, he is respinsible for the consequences, and the truth of the Church’s spiritual message is unaffected by that.

-There have been, and likely are still, some bad preists, bishops, deacons, and lay people. Does that mean that the Church is wrong and that people should avoid joining or leave? No. There are also bad doctors, lawyers, policemen, and firefighters. Does the existance of a bad firefighter mean that you shouldn’t call 911 when a fire breaks out in your house? No.

-A great deal of the priests who were re-assigned to parishes after having had an allegation of abuse made against them (which admittedly facilitated continued abuse), were only reassigned after having undergone counselling to “cure” them of their disorder. The prevailing psychology of the time when most of these cases occured, namely the late 1960s and into the '70s, said that the inclination of sexual attraction to children was something that could be “cured.” We know better now. Bishops who had reassigned those priests did so with the advice of what was at the time considered expert medical advice.

-Tell your husband to look it up, or to at least site his own sources for his ideas about the sex abuse crisis. (For the record, you should look at the statistics reported by the John Jay Report. Google it.)

I am not saying any of this to try and shift the blame from where it is due. The Catholic Church does need to continue to be actively on the lookout for abusive priests and to deal with them in a way that removes them from ministry. But do the past mistakes vacate the teachings of Christ? Not one bit. Ask your husband that: *can *the mistakes of some individuals can change anything about Christ? If he says yes, then there is a deeper issue at stake than just anger about the sex abuse crisis.

p.s. Watch this: youtube.com/watch?v=OE00MMOh_z0

 

[mountee]

For 44 years, since I met my husband, I have listened to the many different ways he dislikes the Church,and this goes well before the abuse scandals. Over the last 3-4 years I have listened to old friends,who call themselves Catholic, talk about the various ways they disagree and hate the Church, but because its all they ever knew they still go to Church. This has put me in the position of trying to find a place where I can be Catholic and not be constantly defensive. In your situation you have an opportunity to talk this over with your husband and at least get him to the place where he will support your faith pursuit even if he doesn’t understand or agree. There are many parts of our faith which are misunderstood by people who are not Catholic, this may never change for your husband and you will have to try to determine how to proceed without his support.

 

[Lady_Love]

Tell him that priests do not become pedophiles. Pedophiles become priests. Pedophiles need to find ways to have access to children without getting caught. Being a priest for a time was a great way for pedophiles to gain access to children without getting caught, no one suspected them.

Weird as it may sound, pedophiles sometimes run in groups or are connected with other pedophiles and they share ideas. Word got out that the priesthood was a great way to go unsuspected and this is why there were so many in the church.

 

[Augusta1990]

Others have pointed out the relevant statistics, but I somehow doubt that that’s his genuine objection. This type of thing is usually just more convenient to blame, compared to what the real issues might be.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Others have pointed out the relevant statistics, but I somehow doubt that that’s his genuine objection. This type of thing is usually just more convenient to blame, compared to what the real issues might be.

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No use arguing. You might want to pray that the Holy Spirit change his heart. Good luck, this type of thing can be a rough road.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

One other factor is that back in the 1950s and 1960s, and even up through the 1970s, it was not known that pedophilia was one of the most persistent personality/mental illness disorders. The belief at the time was that a pedophile could be cured through therapy and possibly not being in tempting situations. Over time, it has been seen that pedophilia is very persistent and now is viewed as almost incurable through the usual methods of therapy.

 

[acadiANNA]

A friend of mine occasionally will tell me of her husband’s complaints. One is that he doesn’t know if the Priest giving him Holy Communion is a pedophile or not. Another is that he doesn’t want to put money in the collection since it will be used to defend erred Priests. Every Sunday morning, her husband goes through the same mumblings. To me, he is missing the point of being a Catholic and the right to worship and thank our Lord for His many blessings through the celebration of the Holy Mass. I have not been able to offer my friend any way to handle this with her husband. I believe that he is determined to make this an issue and stubbornly refuses to yield. Yes, we know that some of the Priests have disappointed Jesus. I pray for them that they will repent and do this no more. They suffer from-I don’t know if you call it sexual deviance disorder-or what. The previous posts have make signigicant points. I will keep you in prayer. God bless you for embracing the Catholic Church in your faith journey.

 

[CollegeStinks]

Erin, I have tremendous sympathy for you. I do not have a spouse who rejects the Catholic Church in its entirety (though my fiancée’s devotion to the Church isn’t quite as strong as I would like, but this is a work in progress), BUT what you are going through with your husband is exactly the thing I go through with EVERYONE ELSE around me.

You are going to have to be patient. Very patient. And if you’re honest with yourself, it would seem that you might not even be able to win. But the good news is that Jesus is able to win. So above all else, I suggest you pray, and pray hard. And the next equally important step is to live as virtuously as you possibly can. Learn to despise sin, and how to fight against it in your own life. Pray to Mary, for she is the ideal woman, and she herself conquered sin. She will help you too. If you do everything you can to become holy and to avoid sin, you will see many miracles in your life performed by the hand of the Lord. Do not become discouraged but remain faithful to God and His bride the Church no matter what.

The defences that others have posted are excellent. Use them to defend his attacks. But be patient. If you are aggressive, he will become doubly aggressive (I know this as a male). You don’t have to sit him down and tell him point by point why he is wrong. In fact, make sure NOT to do that. Instead, go throughout your life loving him as a wife should, and when God gives you the opportunity to defend the Lord, you will take it. Pray for courage, pray for patience, pray for steadfastness. Put forth your defence with compassion, not anger. Men do not listen to angry women, they see it as a challenge to their authority. But men do listen to loving and compassionate wives.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clotilde

^Pray to her. She is a saint. And she did the unthinkable and converted a pagan barbarian Frankish tribe warlord. She was a Catholic, and her husband, Clovis I, was a pagan. But through a loving ministry and great patience, and literally the intervention of God (you can read about his story) succeeded in bringing Clovis to the Lord and specifically to the Catholic Church. Clovis went on to become the first Catholic king of the Franks, and built a glorious Catholic kingdom in the name of Christ Jesus, which eventually went on to become the Kingdom of France, also known as the Eldest Daughter of the Church (this was of course before the Western world apostatized and became what it is now).

Your situation is very unfortunate, but it is becoming a larger problem in society. It was easy for me to bring my fiancée to view the Church in her proper splendour, because my fiancée naturally followed me. But for situations like yours, it is a shame that the man, who is supposed to be a leader, is so far off of the path himself. This is becoming a problem in our culture. Men are not doing their jobs very well and are falling short of the expectations that God originally gave him. But the good news is that your goal has been done before. Many times. You won’t be the first woman to bring a non-believer to the Church. It was pretty routine for Catholic women to convert their pagan husbands during the “Dark Ages.” I believe that you can do it too, in these dark ages of our own. Remain patient, and whatever you do, don’t you dare give up on your husband. Pray for courage, patience, wisdom, and communication. Pray that your husband’s ears will be opened on God’s command. Pray that he may hear God’s call to all men to become shepherds, so that someday he may lead you, and present you to the Lord “in all of your glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that you would be holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5)

You will have my prayers, and I mean that sincerely.

 

[tjones80]

Well in every institution there are people that commit sins. I attended a protestant church years ago with a family member and the pastor was sleeping with the flocks teenage daughters. That doesn’t mean that God isn’t present or that every person in that Church is bad.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Tell him that priests do not become pedophiles. Pedophiles become priests. Pedophiles need to find ways to have access to children without getting caught. Being a priest for a time was a great way for pedophiles to gain access to children without getting caught, no one suspected them.

Weird as it may sound, pedophiles sometimes run in groups or are connected with other pedophiles and they share ideas. Word got out that the priesthood was a great way to go unsuspected and this is why there were so many in the church.

This is a simple answer to a complex question. I mean simple in a good way. Many people who ask the question or make the charge don’t really want an in-depth answer.

I also think that some men went into the priesthood thinking the “gift of celibacy” and grace would protect them from sin which isn’t very realistic.

 

[detoutcoeur]

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No use arguing. You might want to pray that the Holy Spirit change his heart. Good luck, this type of thing can be a rough road.

Hi Erin,
I agree with this. I’d pray with all your heart for him instead. This is a tough one, but don’t give up. Miracles do happen.

 

[MichaelHowling]

Keep in mind…scandal has always been a part of human history. It’s literally everywhere!

Because the church has a human element to it…it too can have scandals.

Here’s a good “argument” . . .

Jesus was a devout Jew… however, we know that the Jewish faith had all kinds of corruptions. Jesus called the priests hypocrytes, they condemend an innocent man “it is better for one man to die than the entire people”. There were problems with power, wealth, pride etc etc etc

But Jesus was a devoute Jew and was known for a awsome love of the Holy Temple. Why? Because it all belonged to God. Likewise with the current church. And lets not forget that the present church did not have a beutiful begining to it …we’ve got a long history of scandal. EVEN WHEN JESUS WAS HERE…judas betrays Him, was known to steal money from the poor collection, Peter the first apostle and leader denied Christ, all His friends ran from Him when He needed Him the most…how scandalus!

It’s in the amazing proof that all the scandals of the church have not destroyed it (like any other institution would have been by now), it’s that the church can produce so many amazing saints, it’s the truths and God’s faith in us that we should look at …not the faithless. I’m going to quote from someone I heard on here on this topic… "you don’t look at the sick that don’t take the “medicine” of Christianity to see if the medicine works…you look at the sick that take the medicine …“the saints!” "

People are always doing evil…you don’t run away from truth just because others can’t follow it. It’s a cop-out.

God bless!

 

[Gorgias]

One is that he doesn’t know if the Priest giving him Holy Communion is a pedophile or not.

I guess that means that he didn’t send his children to school – after all, he doesn’t know if the teachers were pedophiles.

I guess that also means that he doesn’t buy anything from any retail stores – after all, with 4% or so of the population having committed the sin of pedophilia-related assaults, he doesn’t know if that clerk across the cash register is a pedophile, right?

Another is that he doesn’t want to put money in the collection since it will be used to defend erred Priests.

Wow. No – no, it doesn’t: when a priest is accused of a crime, he defends himself – not only against the state, but in a canon law trial, also!

 

[acadiANNA]

Gorgias, thank you for your comment to my post. I was stating my friend’s husband’s beliefs. From what you have said, I am sure I can give my friend something to work with. Thank you and God bless.