How to define hanging out vs. dating?

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I attend a base chapel for Mass and a guy around my age (early 20’s) just got stationed on base and has been attending for the last month. There’s not more than two other young adults per week that attend besides us. He seems to be really nice and very devout (from the outside, of course not knowing him, I don’t know more than that) but very, very quiet. And knowing several military kids and personnel, even the outgoing ones that are new to the area have a hard time finding good friends or things to do. I really want invite him to some things around the area, either young adult ministry events or other local venues.

But …
  1. I don’t want to sound over eager because I tend to do that when people are new at church or when I was in high school (like say “we should hang out and you should come and do this or this or this!”). Some people actually appreciate being and/or need to be reached out to like that but others just end up thinking I’m a freak, which is okay 😛 But I don’t want to scare him if I have the chance of reaching out.
  2. I absolutely do not want him to think that I’m asking him out (and especially since we’re the same age, it might get misconstrued). I just want to help. Especially since I don’t know him, the topic of dating is not even on the table.
My question is: what is the line between a girl asking a guy to hang out vs. asking him out?

Let me say I’m very against girls asking guys out, so I have no intention of that. But oftentimes any hanging out with the opposite sex (unfortunately) can get misconstrued as more than just a friendly get together, especially since there are people who don’t think it’s possible to have just a friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Invites to group things (like a young adult group event) to me seem like an obvious okay and that there should really be no confusion on whether it’s a friendly invite or a date but I don’t know how guys really feel on that subject. And even if a guy asked me to hang out and get coffee I wouldn’t see that as a date, but again, some people would at least see it as a casual date so I really don’t to mislead him in any way.

So especially guys, opinions? :confused: Girls, I’d really like your opinions too though, especially if you’ve had personal experience with something similar! Thanks in advance!
 
A few thoughts, from a guy:

a) There’s a subtle difference between asking someone along to an event and informing them of it. It can be misconstrued either way, but if you are worried about coming across the wrong way, try to put the focus on information…“there’s such-and-such on that you may be interested in” rather than “why don’t you come along to such-and-such with me”.

b) If a guy asks you to have coffee with him, it sounds pretty close to a date. If you ask a guy to have coffee with you, you should assume he may/will interpret it that way.

c) I see nothing wrong with girls asking guys out, but that’s of course up to you.
 
I can definitely relate to your worries on the matter. I tend to love to invite people to various events but worry about sounding over eager or making it sound like a date.

I think the best approach would be to say something like what underacloud said. Focus on the information. Also, if you volunteer anywhere or are going to be helping out around the chapel you could easily invite him to that without sounding over eager or date-like. It would be good common ground.

Either way, I’m sure it’ll work itself out. Best of luck!
 
If you ask with another person preferably a guy there’s no way it can be misunderstood
 
From my pastoral observations, if one could call them that (I think there was a study that backed this up statistically):
  1. Women can have male friends and desire nothing more.
  2. Men can not.
Proceed with caution.
 
Khalid said:
From my pastoral observations, if one could call them that (I think there was a study that backed this up statistically):
  1. Women can have male friends and desire nothing more.
  2. Men can not.
Proceed with caution.
Click to expand...
For what it’s worth, I very much agree with you. 👍
 
If you ask with another person preferably a guy there’s no way it can be misunderstood
Click to expand...
I totally agree with this idea, simply ask in the company of another guy or ask a guy to do the asking.
From my pastoral observations, if one could call them that (I think there was a study that backed this up statistically):
Click to expand...
  1. Women can have male friends and desire nothing more.
  2. Men can not.
Click to expand...
When you say men can not, its an over generalized statement, I beg to differ. Men can. I know some.
 
Khalid said:
From my pastoral observations, if one could call them that (I think there was a study that backed this up statistically):
  1. Women can have male friends and desire nothing more.
  2. Men can not.
Proceed with caution.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. I have a few friendly acquaintances with women, but I would not call them friends.

My past experiences with women who were just friends ended up poorly in every case -especially if one of us was married. Maybe some men can just be friends with women, but I know that I cannot.
 
You know, for me and this is just me ok. Women aways ask me to go out with them alot. Hey Jess lets go to the movies or lets have coffee, lets go bowling. And we do. I’m glad they do cause I’m a pretty shy and timid person. Then, there’s some that say, lets hang out, not a date ok. ok no problem, is my reponce. I never take it as going on a date unless they or I make that distinction. So, I guess it all boils down to communication and Boundaries. Once again this is just my experience.

God bless

jesus g
 
If you really don’t want to date him, arrange a group event and ask him along. Like bowling, or some other active recreation. Not one on one. Asking him to meet for coffee is a date, IMO, if you will be alone. A beginning date, but a date. I would assume that someone is interested in me if they ask me for coffee, one on one.

I do not like women asking men for dates. I’m too old-fashioned I guess.
 
Literally using the words “hang out” often implies that it is nothing more than a time with a friend. I have only had ONE situation where the other person got the wrong impression, and it was because we were previously romantic interests. With people I am just friends with or just met never get the wrong impression. Just say something along the lines of “hey want to hang out sometime?” or you could even ask for their Facebook and just talk through that. It’s usually the best option.
Khalid said:
  1. Women can have male friends and desire nothing more.
  2. Men can not.
Click to expand...
This double standard is ridiculous. I know so many guys who love to have people for just friends; it’s human nature.
 
If you want to ask him to a group event, focus on the group part of it. Something like, “There’s a young adult group meeting for such-and-such friday night. I think you might like them, they’re a great group of people. Here’s the info if you want to come.”
 
Thank you everyone! I guess it makes sense that it depends on the guy for how they would react, so I’ll definitely keep that in mind 🙂
 
TheRealJuliane said:
If you really don’t want to date him, arrange a group event and ask him along. Like bowling, or some other active recreation. Not one on one. Asking him to meet for coffee is a date, IMO, if you will be alone. A beginning date, but a date. I would assume that someone is interested in me if they ask me for coffee, one on one.

I do not like women asking men for dates. I’m too old-fashioned I guess.
Click to expand...
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to date him down the line if we got to know each other and seemed to hit it off, but I’m old-fashioned in that too- I would never do the asking out (just asking to hang out) and plus, I really don’t know him well enough to really consider that right now. I just hate all these fine lines and rules! But thank you!
 
Just be casual about it and make it clear that you want him to go because you think that there will be other people there that he will hit it off with and that he’d enjoy it.

As for the idea that men and women can’t just be friends, that’s nuts. I’m an attractive 20-something and all but one of my friends are male. No really, every single one. I am so much one of the guys that I get invited to bachelor parties (and not as “entertainment”), and I’m having male bridal attendants instead of bridesmaids. Trust me, nothing has ever or would ever happen, and none of my friends have ever tried to cross a line.

Of course its your preference not to ask a guy out. But I know many people who would not be married right now if their wives hadn’t made the first move. It wasn’t that the men didn’t notice them, it was that they weren’t really interested and went out on a date thinking “What the heck?” but really ended up hitting it off. Sometimes getting a man to notice you just isn’t enough.
 
From the perspective of a woman, I’m sure that’s the case - that’s why I grouped the generalization (which is valid) in to two statements, one for men, one for women.

I believe the original study, which none of the news articles link to, that prompted the below wave of comments (two out of several, covered in many news sources, from the mainstream news to New Scientist, etc.) was published in the journal Sex Roles in 2011. A new study, published I don’t know where, which prompted the Huffington Post article, is even more recent - the Huffington Post article is from 10/23/2012.

"Can heterosexual men and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

"New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment…

…“Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners. Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.” -Adrian Ward, Huffington Post

“Indeed, while other gender stereotypes might be valid, such as it’s easier for women to define intimate relationships with men as non-sexual than vice-versa, individual differences among people will always provide exceptional cases. Thus, some women might have a more “masculine” approach to heterosexual friendship than average and some men might relate to friends in a more stereotypically “feminine” manner than most.”
 
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