How to discern who is "the one"?

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Hi,

today I’ve read multiple stories of members of these forums on numerous marital problems. Many threads describe these marriages as broken, or going downhill very fast, and some even experience strong division during engagement.

For this reason I wanted to open a thread where everyone can give advice to the singles on how to discern who is the right person to marry. I personally would be particularly interested in stories of those who already are happily married, but really everybody’s opinions and comments are welcome.

For example, imagine you are a normal young adult with a decent circle of friends, including those of the opposite sex, who you get along with very well. How would you go about finding out who might be a “candidate” (for lack of a better term) for marriage? How would you get to know them better so you can make this decision, in a way that is pleasing to God?

Any kind of advice, whether practical, spiritual, philosophical etc. is welcome. Maybe we can make a little collection of useful information for everybody who is asking themselves this question to look at.

Thank you
 
Okay, I’ll start!

I met my wife at the Catholic Student Center at college. We dated in college, and then she broke up with me because it was too intense. No sex, just sorta knowing that you’ve met the one and not ready at all to get married.

I joined the Army and she moved back home after graduation. I started calling her and we “got together again” long distance. Then she broke up with me again.:eek:

However, any girl I went out with other than her just didn’t measure up. She later said the same thing. I was afraid that I had missed my chance.

Then, one day, my mom mentioned that she (my wife) had called asking for my address. 👍 It seemed like forever until her letter came, inviting me to visit with her and her folks (so she wouldn’t create scandal and would have the home-field advantage). From the time I saw her at the front door, weknew that we were going to get married.

So, I knew her for five years before we got married. We were best friends. We thought about it a lot. We had no misgivings. No second thoughts. Our families were very similar. (No divorce in our parents or any of our siblings.) Our dads had basically the same profession. Our moms are both college graduates.

So, the secret for a successful marriage is, indeed, finding “the one”. The success of your marriage is basically determined before the ceremony begins. If you marry someone with similar beliefs, who believes marriage is forever, and loves and respects you, you are on your way.

Oh, yeah, a big sense of humor and a short memory help.

Oh, and since she is of Italian descent and I am mostly Irish, the kids came out perfect!
 
There is no “One” except in The Matrix, The Highlander and Babylon 5. 😛

Each of us could potentially have a successful marriage with any one of thousands or even millions of candidates. I write this even as I am keenly aware that my wife and I seem to have been prepared for each other (that is, God seems to have prepared my heart in specific ways so that I may be able to better love my wife and vice versa - I think He did that out of His foreknowledge and not out of any specific decree).

In the years leading up to our meeting and eventual marriage, I prayed that God would care for and guide the woman I would marry. as we were discerning marriage and all through our engagement, I sought Him first and asked that if our planned marriage was within his will that He would bring us together and that if it was not within his will that He would lead us such that we could recognize that. (Obviously, that latter prayer ceased immediately with our wedding.)
 
I don’t believe in “the one.” I think more than one person on the planet could have been my husband; it just so happened that God put this man and me together in an interesting way.

As for you…You’re already part of a mixed group of young men and women? Well, what do you talk about as a group of friends? Do you listen to the girls talk about their lives, their hopes, their dreams? What do they see as their vocation - is it marriage and a family or is it a career? (You see I am assuming you are spending time with other Catholics, which may not be the case, but it is easier if you are hanging with other Catholics.)

If this group isn’t mostly Catholics, especially the girls, go spend time in your church, volunteering, doing stuff that will put you in contact with Catholic young ladies. Talk to them, and most importantly, LISTEN TO THEM. Then, when you hear someone who seems to have the same morals and values that you do, ask her to come along to the next group activity. “Hey, Brandy, a bunch of us are going over to Red Robin after class next Tuesday, want to come along?” See how that goes, and then IF IF IF it goes well after a couple of those group activities, you could ask her out alone. Of course I am assuming that you are chaste and would be treating her as a sister in Christ!

This is called DISCERNMENT. It takes a lot of work! And care! And prayer!

:love:

The main thing is that if you are nowhere near ready to marry, you keep the dates on a friend level only and don’t start down the road of getting serious until you really are ready to discern marriage. So I don’t know if that is your situation at the moment or not.

I think the woman you marry is “the one.” Not that there is only one possible mate for you. 🤷
 
If you want to know how to discern who you will marry, then I advise you to work on yourself first. Be the best “you” that you can be. Be moral, develop a good base of practical knowledge, develop a good career. In doing those things, you will both attract a good spouse, and be ready for her when you find her. When I see failures in relationships, I see them come about because people did not make themselves ready to be good partners. Because they were not good partners, they did not attract good partners. It ends up a train wreck. But if you work on yourself first and make yourself a valuable spouse, things will likely work themselves out. That’s not to say there isn’t much, much more to it, but I think it’s of vital importance.
 
I just knew it. Tough we dated 5 years before we actually married. My heart felt it like no other like a euphoric feeling and though 5 years seemed like an eternity it was a good testing ground to our staying power. He wanted to be prepared to be the best husband and dad he could be. And I was very happy to know he was Catholic and wanted many of the same things I wanted. So we grow in our faith together and we pray together for each other and for our family. Not everything is bliss but we certainly know how to forgive, we know we have faults and illnesses, and work at things and always go back to the love we first felt but has only grown. We always kiss before we go to sleep and say we love each other every day. The thought of not being with him would tear my heart up. I appreciate that my priest always prays during the mass for the married couples that they always remember the love they had on their wedding day. It means a lot to us. Pray to God to help you find answers. I’ve made a habit of that…🙂
 
I think my husband is “the one” and that God gave us to each other for reasons that we couldn’t understand at the time. Before my husband, I dated the same guy for 5 years (from age 15 - 20). We were both Catholic and had so much in common. I believe we could have been happy together forever as we had a wonderful relationship for the duration. I only broke up with him to start dating my husband who was not Catholic and had almost nothing in common with me. But he was the one and we both knew it. I just had this gut feeling the first time I laid eyes on him, even though I tried to ignore it. It wasn’t even a physical attraction…I actually thought he might be gay at first. I tried to fight the strange feeling for a while but it wouldn’t go away so I had to give him a chance. And here we are 14 years later. He’s an amazing husband and I couldn’t have dreamed up anyone better for me or for our kids. Things have not always been perfect but he has always been willing to humble himself and Work on our relationship,made king help whenever it’s needed. He converted to Catholicism and is such a strong spiritual leader for our family.

So basically, I accepted the one that was sent to me. Dating him quickly confirmed that he was the one God made for me and I for him. It was more of a feeling than a rational discernment other than confirming that we both placed God as #1 and were on the same page as far as our roles in a family and what we wanted for our futures.
 
Well, my hubby and I met in High School and we were friends, but neither of us had any romantic relationship at that time. We graduated and went our separate ways, we saw each other occasionally, but one or the other was always dating and we just never considered each other that way.

Then about three years after High School I went on a group trip to the beach and we were both there and single. He had forgotten a towel and I hadn’t gone in the water yet, so I let him use mine. We talked and I hoped he would ask me out or something, but no such luck. That night we all decided to go out dancing we danced with each other quite a bit, but still he didn’t ask me out. A few days later some of the friends set up a scavenger hunt and we ended up on the same team. He asked for my number and it blossomed from there.

He decided to go into the Coast Guard and was set to go to boot camp about six months into our relationship. The thought of being away from him for over 2 months was really hard for both of us. (I think this is when I knew for sure he was the one). We made it through and we still had a strong bond as ever. A few weeks later he went to a thing called A-School (which trains them to be petty officers in a certain rates/specialties). This was about another two months. Once he found out where he was going to be stationed, we decided to get married in the court house because we had a window of three weeks and wanted to do our church marital preparation together as opposed to being away from each other a year while I went through RCIA and had cross-country marital preparation with maybe one visit.

So we got married in the court house and I moved with him and a year later we got married in the Church. We have been able to fair some hard situations before our marriage and still do in our marriage and we are strong and close.
 
Fifteen years married, and our marriage is the envy of all our friends.

First, I would say to not think that there “the one” out there. As some others have posted, any number of people could have been your spouse, and God would have been pleased with that. The thing to realize is that, once you marry, that person becomes The One. You are bound to that person for as long as you both live. Divorce is nothing more than legal fiction. That person really, really is The One.

Would you miss the chance to be with your soul-mate? Your soul-mate is the soul to whom you mate yourself. Don’t lose your soul-mate.
 
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TheRealJuliane:
I don’t believe in “the one.” I think more than one person on the planet could have been my husband; it just so happened that God put this man and me together in an interesting way…

… I think the woman you marry is “the one.” Not that there is only one possible mate for you.
Click to expand...
Yes, i agree. I spoke of my wife being “the one”, but i agree that God doesn’t pick one person for you and you have to find them.

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I am not an expert on the spiritual part, and I don’t have the moral ground to talk about that. On the other hand, I can talk about practice of life and to some extent about psychological matters.

It does help to have certain communication skills and be able to realise when you’re being taken for a ride, to know when and how to ask for information and what kind of information as well. The “what kind of” depends on what you are seeking, which is subjective and not the same for everybody.

Sometimes there are extreme situations. I remember consulting a photographical expert to determine that certain pictures I had received were not all of the same person. Once upon a time, myself being a criminal lawyer by education and somewhat attuned to fishy testimony, I had doubts about a certain fellow lawyer-gone-PR-wizard I was then seeing, and so I ran her through another trial lawyer, who was a commissioned officer in the prison service (and a married lady slightly older than either of us two). Talk about going hardcore. It’s not like I haven’t consulted therapists in some cases, either. You’d also be amazed as to what Google can yield.

In most cases you don’t get such a messy situation and when you find yourself needing to go to such lengths, it probably means you should keep looking. You may simply need to have an honest, open conversation and act according to the results. If you’re not satisfied, then leave.

You need to separate the benefit of the doubt you give to a person (and we really should) from the benefit of doubt you may be inclined to give to the decision to marry that person. In which case, if you have serious doubts, you shouldn’t proceed. And if you catch yourself explaining doubts away, perhaps you need to check if “unserious” doubts aren’t really serious. Preferably by conversation, not by hiring a private eye. If you’re inclined to hire a private eye, you should probably be inclined to end the relationship.

On the other hand, do give a serious reality check to all your doubts. Some of those things may be fixed habits, presumptions, assumptions, jumped conclusions, erroneous patterns from childhood, anchors (similarities and other associations that live in the subconscious), or just simply trivial things you obsess about, generally by imagining a deeper meaning which isn’t always true, or by exaggerating the importance of some things to your life, things you really could tolerate with ease or be happy without. Just don’t dismiss all of such things at once without thinking about it, or you may simply find yourself forcing a match with someone who just isn’t compatible with you.

For the record, there’s no such thing as absolute incompatibility but some matches are more difficult than others.

Spiritual complications here include two things:
  1. Forgiveness. Forgiving and forgetting and loving despite various things, loving even unconditionally. Which is virtuous to do and which does have the potential to change people, but acting on it may seem to conflict with prudence. Reconciling forgiveness with prudence is probably a spiritual matter.
  2. Marriage like all of earthly life is about vocation and salvation, which basically means the easiest and nicest marriage might actually not be the one somebody’s called to. A difficult marriage may be a way of sanctification. Which, however, is not an excuse for acting like a lemming and simply giving in to the attraction generated by a dark and handsome or a femme fatale, and thinking it’s somehow a holy thing to do (more like a stupid thing to do). Just saying that one’s calling is not necessarily the easiest or most comfortable path one could take. It can include dealing with a difficult person or situation. Sanctification isn’t really connected with the easiest possible life.
But like I said, I’m not qualified, so I won’t develop these two notes any further.

Oh, and I’ve had the “the one” feeling so many times it’s not even funny (I’m a single guy finishing 30 in a moment). Don’t presume it’s true (statistically, it probably isn’t). Just because you’re feeling it right now for that person doesn’t mean you can’t feel it again for someone else. Or even at the same time. Also, just because loss would be painful doesn’t yet mean some kind of destiny is at play and the loss must at all costs be avoided. There’s a number of things that are more important than not losing a relationship. For example, you don’t do evil things, you don’t lie, you don’t go against God just to save a relationship, no matter how good or promising. You also don’t give up your dignity to turn into a doormat.

But like I said above, the other side of the coin is fussiness. Don’t be fusy about trivial things and especially don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader or have supernatural abilities or to feel the earth shake under your feet when you meet him or her. Basically, keep it real but remember that realism is a skewed view of reality. 😛
 
Also, remember you don’t owe anyone a relationship or a chance of it. This will typically involve the ladies, who tend to be pressured to be somewhat “fair” towards the men who are asking. Give a chance, don’t be too fussy, don’t favour or exclude any particular race or social class and so on and so forth. Cut it. You’re making arrangements for your own future, not handing out favours. You don’t owe it to people to play their game using rules they wrote. If they aren’t interested in working on the rules with you, they can go back where they came from. You can tolerate certain moderately annoying behaviours that are less incriminating when you consider that someone had a difficult past and still needs to work out the issues (e.g. a stalker’s victim may be a little overprotective about privacy and somebody who has recently had a burglary incident may be inclined to sleep with a gun, people with a real case of dyslexia are more easily excused than those who just don’t care to “speel” etc.), but it’s not like you need to give someone preferential treatment just because he or she comes from a historically underdog race or nation or has a disability or anything else that’s not your fault. Denying a relationship is not the same as denying friendship and not actually investing in a friendship is still not necessarily an offence against charity.

Realising the above does help discernment processes. It helps avoid falling victim of pity-based strategies or your own misplaced feelings of guilt. (This said, do be careful with people who could be more hurt than the average person, and avoid giving them hopes which are unlikely to come true.)
 
I want to thank everybody for these great replies so far, and also clarify that I did not mean the term “the one” in a sense of predestination or anything like that. But, even though it is our free decision who we marry or not, I believe that we can have a much better & happier time if we choose wisely. You can read the title of this thread as in “How to discern who to marry” if it makes it easier. Thanks again
 
As a happily married woman who helped her two sisters (now both happily married) figure out some of the pitfalls of courtship, I will reply again. (I posted earlier, but it was mostly about your soul-mate being the one you mate your soul to.)

When choosing a spouse, look for a person of integrity who shares your religion (yes, I recommend not mixing marriages) and as much of your worldview as possible. That gives as much common ground as possible to start with and gives you a good foundation to work from. That way, when difficulties or disagreements come up, you have a set of shared premises. Imagine trying to discuss the question of whether or not have another child with someone whose ideas on means of avoiding a child do not match yours.

I don’t even rate “chemistry” as a thing to look for. In my experience, love will breed desire, but not vice versa.
 
As others have said, I do not believe there is “the one.” Although I feel that way about my wife.

One part of the puzzle especially in modern times, is that marriage younger rather than older, in my opinion results in both spouses being more malleable. The older you are, the more set in your ways you are, and the more unlikely you are to make changes. I married at 23; we met when we were 22.

The other part is that compromise. It sounds cliche, but before marriage, my wife and I agreed on a basic life plan (one that could have changed, and did). But while laying that out we both gave significantly. In this case, I moved to be closer to her family and she became Catholic.

The final big piece, is a common worldview, especially religion. So, being Catholic was non-negotiable for me. For her, working in more self-employed situation (for both of us) was her non-negotiable. We were both open to the other’s requests.

Good luck, and in all cases, have someone who is married a long time to talk to about it and who is a practicing Catholic.
 
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