How to discipline a tween (11-12)

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Lea101

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So I’m not a mom, but I kind of have to act like one

had a mom, the three of us (my siblings and I) turned out fine (we are not perfect, but we are not too stubborn and we are mature enough). Mom died, my father is one of those people that are scared to discipline my sister (the youngest). She is really spoilt. The way she was brought up was very different (we had chores etc, we have to study). She basically spends the whole day on the internet and if we tell her to clean up after herself, she’ll throw a tantrum.

Her behavior is honestly worrying to me. It’s normal for people her age to be all moody and stubborn, but she is just too spoilt. I tried confiscating her phone (not really a phone phone, just a smart phone so she could access youtube and game apps) (she was being really rude) and she pointed her middle finger at me and threw a huuuge tantrum.
(To anyone wondering, my dad kind of let me deal with her. He wants to be the good guy lol)

So any moms, SHARE YOUR WISDOM!
 
Unfortunately, it’s your dad’s job, not yours. It is unfair of him to try to pass that responsibility to you. You should treat her as an older sister would, not as a substitute parent would.

11-12 is a rough age. I would try to show her how to behave by modelling as much as possible. Show her respectful conversation, self-care. Talk to her about her goals and what she wants to do in life. Encourage her to participate in hobbies that require skill, talent, and effort, and attend/supervise as you are able (e.g. if she plays sports, attend her games when you can.)

If she is enrolled in school, you might see what counseling services are available there and ask them if they are aware of the situation at home and if they could reach out to her to provide support. I’d also look at support groups - say, Big Brother Big Sister or other mentorship programs in your area. Is there anything through your parish?
 
It’s not your place to discipline your sister. That role belongs to your father alone.

Be a sister, not a mother. Influence her behavior through your own example and persuasion, not attempts at a power struggle. You’ve created a power struggle and it will get you nowhere fast.
 
I agree with the other posters - you are her sister, not her mother.

I have an older brother and if he had tried to discipline me instead of my parents I would have become very resentful of him very quickly. It wouldn’t have been his place, nor is it yours. Don’t damage your relationship with her and encourage your father to discipline her instead.

Lou
 
I second the opinion that it’s completely inappropriate for you to discipline your sister. Stop doing it. The only thing you CAN do is set boundaries for how you expect to be treated. I would go to her and say something like, “I’m sorry that I was trying to take on a parenting role with you. I understand that I’m not your mother. In the future, I’ll let dad do the parenting. I understand why you’ve been upset with me and I hope if I stay in my place, you will stop being disrespectful toward me as well. Otherwise I will not want to be around you anymore because I don’t deserve to be spoken to or treated that way.”
 
I agree. Dad has to do the discipline. As soon as you’re old enough, you’ll be away to college, and then marriage and your own kids.
 
As was said, you really can’t discipline a sibling. Let your dad do it.

If you think she’s a handful now, wait until she discovers boyfriends!

ICXC NIKA.
 
I see you live in Singapore.

Are older siblings expected to take on parenting roles in your culture since your mother has passed away?

If not, then relax and be a big sister.

If you are expected to be a surrogate mother now, then I would suggest seeking advice from those in your own culture, as most of the people here are from the US and Europe. Our ideas about child-rearing and familial roles may be very different and not very helpful I’m afraid.

God bless you! I will pray for the repose of your mother’s soul, and for all the members of your family! :signofcross:
 
Gertabelle said:
I see you live in Singapore.

Are older siblings expected to take on parenting roles in your culture since your mother has passed away?

If not, then relax and be a big sister.

If you are expected to be a surrogate mother now, then I would suggest seeking advice from those in your own culture, as most of the people here are from the US and Europe. Our ideas about child-rearing and familial roles may be very different and not very helpful I’m afraid.

God bless you! I will pray for the repose of your mother’s soul, and for all the members of your family! :signofcross:
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Yes, it’s pretty normal for us to listen to our older siblings (i have to obey my older brother for example, unless my dad says something different), especially when there’s no mom/dad/both involved

In fact, my siblings and I are “raising” my younger sister up. My dad is basically a depressed alcoholic and he doesn’t do anything in terms of parenting (besides giving money). I don’t want to talk about that much but basically my sister respects us more than him, so leaving discipline up to him is completely useless

(When i say discipline, I don’t mean punishing/hitting but like how to get her to behave or do her work)
 
Generally speaking, it’s an issue of natural consequences, but you have to talk to your dad about how you may proceed. If he undermines you, you are sunk.

Much-older siblings tend to “discipline” younger siblings who cannot drive by not doing things for them. For instance, maybe your sister’s laundry doesn’t get done until she’s done her chores. Maybe she gets to prepare her own meals if she doesn’t help with meal preparation.

The other way parents sometimes do this is the “team building” method. When someone loses their internet privileges, for instance, the entire house goes without it. Like the baseball team that has to run laps because one team member showed up for practice late, this has a tendency to lead to a great deal of social pressure that the guilty party cannot easily dismiss as "none of your business.
 
Lea101 said:
So I’m not a mom, but I kind of have to act like one

had a mom, the three of us (my siblings and I) turned out fine (we are not perfect, but we are not too stubborn and we are mature enough). Mom died, my father is one of those people that are scared to discipline my sister (the youngest). She is really spoilt. The way she was brought up was very different (we had chores etc, we have to study). She basically spends the whole day on the internet and if we tell her to clean up after herself, she’ll throw a tantrum.

Her behavior is honestly worrying to me. It’s normal for people her age to be all moody and stubborn, but she is just too spoilt. I tried confiscating her phone (not really a phone phone, just a smart phone so she could access youtube and game apps) (she was being really rude) and she pointed her middle finger at me and threw a huuuge tantrum.
(To anyone wondering, my dad kind of let me deal with her. He wants to be the good guy lol)

So any moms, SHARE YOUR WISDOM!
Click to expand...
I am very impressed at your desire to help your sister. Please pray for her and ask for the intercession of a saint that helps teenagers (St. John Bosco for example).

If possible, watch movies together that focus on virtue. Several saint movies come to mind that I could recommend.

Read to her or give her books that help with character and virtue.

I’m sure she misses your mother. Remember that she is young and suffering and is acting out along with being spoiled.

I have a 10.5 year old daughter and can relate to this very well.
 
Lou2U said:
I agree with the other posters - you are her sister, not her mother.

I have an older brother and if he had tried to discipline me instead of my parents I would have become very resentful of him very quickly. It wouldn’t have been his place, nor is it yours. Don’t damage your relationship with her and encourage your father to discipline her instead.

Lou
Click to expand...
Sorry. I forgot Western family dynamics are slightly different. It’s normal to obey older siblings here (not control wise but like if I told her to do her homework she has to listen). And she respects me more than her father, it’s just that she has anger issues nobody can tame
 
Lea101 said:
Sorry. I forgot Western family dynamics are slightly different. It’s normal to obey older siblings here (not control wise but like if I told her to do her homework she has to listen). And she respects me more than her father, it’s just that she has anger issues nobody can tame
Click to expand...
Ah, maybe I get what you’re getting at now.

I think you’re referring to learning anger management strategies, learning to use them, teaching them to her, and insisting that both she and her older siblings use them.

The other strategy is to say, “OK, we need to each give our side, here. We need you to help, you want to have more control of your own time. What can we work out, here?”

For instance, when our boys were in middle school or so, we made them this deal: these are the things you need to get done and this is the standard that says you’ve done them well enough. If you see to it that they get done, you get to do them when you see fit. If we have to nag you, though, then you have to do them when it is convenient for us to oversee you. That means if she’s done what is expected, she gets left alone about camping on the computer or whatever. She has to have some reason to make herself do it. One reason would be to have control of her own time and not have you nagging. That requires that you define what is hers to do, what her deadlines are, what helps she wants (and does not want) in meeting the deadlines, and what the consequences and rewards are, depending on how she performs.

A hint: You always want to have a worse consequence than what you’ve already doled out in reserve. You also want predictable results…maybe a heads-up, a consequence is coming warning, but not an unpredictable connection between threat and consequence and certainly not a predictable lack of consequences. Natural and commensurate consequences are the best, and for a 13 year old I would explain broadly what they are, put it in writing, and get her to sign something that puts what she’s been warned about and promised in writing.

Hmmm…you might also try “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens: The Ultimate Teenage Success Guide” by Sean Covey. I have heard it is a more approachable and readable version of his father’s book. Steven Covey (the father) is all about understanding how to go about identifying goals, expanding your sphere of influence and how to manage yourself and others, so that might be a help.
 
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